Teaching Kids About Consent
Teaching your kids about consent: Why I don’t want you to tell your kids that ‘One thing leads to another.’
Why I don’t want you to tell your kids that ‘One thing leads to another.’
Informed consent means yes to the one thing discussed and decided upon.
It is not an implicit agreement to do anything else or to take things further; for example, agreeing to or initiating making out with someone does not mean yes to anything else until consent is revisited.
Young people are often told that “one thing leads to another” when it comes to sex. Then they get into situations where that misguided mantra causes them to believe that if they gave consent for one thing, like oral sex, that means if things progress from there to penetration, well…
“one thing led to another.”
One thing does not lead to another without revisited consent!
Consent also includes the right to revoke your yes at any time. If you consented, but then decide in the middle of an encounter that something is painful, emotionally triggering, or it makes you uncomfortable — even if you initially agreed to participate in it — you have the right to change your yes to a no! This is an important point about consent: You have the right to change your mind. You have the right to say, “Stop now!”
Consent means: Yes, to one thing discussed and decided upon.
Consent does not mean: An implicit agreement to do anything else or to take things further.
Consent includes: The right to revoke your yes at any time.
When Should My Child Stop Seeing Me Naked?
When should I stop being naked around my child? Helping parents navigate nakedness in the home.
Nakedness in the home
At my parent workshops, one of the most frequently asked questions is “How should I handle nakedness?” Parents want to know what the age cut off is or when the appropriate time is to stop being naked around their child.
We all have various feelings and past experiences with nakedness from our own childhoods. This can influence how we feel about it as adults with children of our own. This topic is a good one for parents to talk about early in their parenting. Every home will look a bit different.
There isn’t one “right” age or time frame that works for “every” family.
Keep in mind that children are naturally curious. They will look at bodies out of that normal curiosity and it will prompt questions. Bare bodies are not damaging for children to see. Additionally, it’s important to remember that adults sexualize nudity long before a child does.
Young children don’t see through erotic glasses like adults do.
Pay attention to your child and their verbal and non-verbal cues. Are their words or actions communicating discomfort with your nudity? For example, do they walk in on you getting out of the shower and turn their back or avert their eyes? Do they stop walking into the bathroom with you like they used to?
Initiate a simple conversation with your child. Next time you are walking around the block together or riding in the car, pose questions such as: “Are you comfortable seeing me when I don’t have my clothes on?” or “How do you feel about seeing mommy/daddy naked.”
Thinking through the questions below and discussing them with your partner will assist you in understanding each of your comfort levels with nakedness and bodies. These questions may help you open a conversation about how you will navigate nakedness in your home.
1. Am I comfortable with my child seeing my naked body?
2. Am I comfortable with my child seeing my partner's body?
3. When my child comes upon me naked, how ‘do’ I respond/react? How would I ‘like to’ respond/react?
When Kids Ask Questions
6 top reasons kids ask questions. Understanding the why behind your child’s questions about their bodies and sex.
When your child asks you questions about sexual health, you certainly want to give them an answer. Consider going a step further with them to determine the why behind the question, so that you are providing the right information at the right time. It can be helpful for you to understand the reasons behind why they are asking.
One way to do this is by asking a follow up question such as, “What made you ask that question?” or “Good question! What have you heard about this?”
Here are the 6 TOP reasons kids ask questions
Information - This can be a simple straightforward inquiry. They are curious or possibly wanting context for something they have seen or heard. They’re looking for education and information.
Am I normal - They want to understand if they are normal, and what is normal. They are seeking to learn how they fit into normal when they feel like they don’t.
Shock Value - They are looking for your reaction to a question, their knowledge about something, or their desire to know something. Your reaction and response is giving them information about what they can ask you about. They may be thinking, “Am I allowed to talk about this topic with my parent?” or “Can my parent handle these kind of questions?”
Permission seeking - They are seeking to get your permission for something. They may also be trying to determine if they need/want your permission.
Values based - They want to understand the values you hold surrounding a topic or question. The older they get they may also be determining if they align with your values.
Personal - They have something going on with their body, sexuality, or other personal question. The inquiry is directly about themselves.
With all the above, try to be intentional about affirming the ask and helping them understand that you are a safe person to continue coming to with all their questions.
Learn more about this topic:
Be your child’s sexual health educator
4 questions for parents as they talk about sexual health
10 tips for parents
Childhood sexual abuse prevention: 2 tools
6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child
My Child Is Starting Sex Ed - Send HELP!
Here are 10 tips to help parents talk to their child about sex education.
Ideally, sexual health conversations have already been happening in your home since your child was a toddler. If not, it is not too late. Take a deep breath, you have what it takes to talk to your child about sexual health topics. I am here to cheer you on.
First, let me say that most school-based sex education is woefully inadequate and certainly not comprehensive. It isn’t even medically accurate in most states, nor required to be by law. Pleasure is rarely, if ever, a part of the discussion and certainly must be. I could go on and on. Therefore, you as a parent play a critical role in your child’s education about sexual health.
The good news is – you don’t have to know all the answers! You don’t have to teach kids everything at once. In fact, it is best to have one conversation at a time. One question at a time. And one short topical discussion at a time. You can do this!
10 TIPS FOR PARENTS
Let your child know that they will be having sex ed classes at school and when it will happen. Do not let it be a surprise to them. Giving them a heads up is good preparation and may help to open the doors to potential conversations with them ahead of the class, and in the future.
Reinforce to your child that you want to talk about what they hear and learn. Show interest, just as you would over their other classes in school. Follow up and then follow up again.
Be honest, tell them that it might be uncomfortable for them, their friends, and even parents - to talk about bodies and sex. Feeling uncomfortable is normal! And it is important and healthy to talk about bodies and sex. You might even apologize if you’ve never brought up the topics before. Reiterate your desire to do so moving forward.
Parents can be given access to the curriculum ahead of time. Ask for it if this is important to you. Use it to jump start conversations at home ahead of the classes. The more context your child has, the better they will be able to understand and sift through what they learn.
Ask questions about what they hear in the class. A good time to do this is while driving or walking the dog around the block – preferably not while sitting at the table face to face with each other (at least at first).
To follow up, ask questions initially as well as after some time has passed. For example, initiate a conversation such as, “I was thinking more about the sex ed class you had a school and wondered if they talked about _____,” or “Remember the sex ed class at school, did they bring up pleasure and sex at all? It is an important part of sex and I want to talk to you about that.”
Remind your child that you are available. Remind them often. Encourage your child to ask you their questions. Assure them that if you don’t know the answer, you will find out and get back to them. And then get back to them!
Encourage your child to not use Google as their way of finding out sexual health information and education. Clearly explain that googling will often bring up results that are inappropriate for them at this age. This may lead nicely into a conversation about pornography and media literacy. Communicate that you are available to help them get the information that they want.
Open a discussion about pornography if you haven’t done so already. Talk about what it is, what it isn’t, what to do if they come upon it or are introduced to it by someone else. Ask them in a non-judgmental manner what they have seen or if they have seen images. Reinforce what is healthy and unhealthy within the boundaries of your family values.
Ask if they would like a book or books to read on their own or together to get more information. Please do not just leave them a book to read with no discussion. Another idea is to investigate educational websites to direct them to or to learn from together.
CHEERING YOU ON!
FOR MORE ON THIS TOPIC, CHECK OUT THESE LINKS:
Book a parent workshop with some friends.
Childhood Sexual Abuse Prevention: 2 Tools For Parents
Start with teaching correct names for body parts, then use these 2 tools.
We all want to keep children safe from sexual abuse. While there is no foolproof way to protect them, there are some tools to help reduce the risk. The one to start with?
Teach your child the correct names for their genitals and body parts.
Children who know the correct names for their body parts are better able to tell you when something is wrong.
As your child gains language, move toward the two tools below. These give parents and caregivers tangible ways to direct kids with words as well as action steps when they are in an uncomfortable or unsafe situation. This needs to be an ongoing conversation with your child - not a one time discussion!
IT IS IMPORTANT TO BRING THIS TOPIC UP REGULARLY.
Ask questions, role play, and provide opportunities for your child to talk about how to handle potential situations with you. Communicate often to your child that they can come to you with any concerns or questions.
Start with the 3 simple words for young children. Then, add the easy to remember acronym from NSPCC (which they call PANTS), as your child approaches school age.
FOR YOUNG CHILDREN
NO - use your voice and say no!
GO - use your feet and go.
TELL - use your mouth and tell a trusted adult.
AS CHILDREN APPROACH SCHOOL AGE
Privates are Private
Always remember your body belongs to you
No means no
Talk about secrets that upset you
Speak up, someone can help
Learn more:
These tips are a part of my parent workshop. Book a workshop with a few friends!
Read my letter of encouragement to parents.
Read my conversations starters for parents.
6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child.
Listen to the Permission for Pleasure Podcast: Why Sex-Ed Really Matters and the Mother/Daughter Interview: Healthy Conversations About Sex
Listen: 'Survival Guide for Talking to Your Kids About Sex'
Listen in on this conversation loaded with tips and strategies for parents on talking to your kids about sex. I was delighted to be a guest on the Confessions of a Super Mom Wannabe podcast with Kristen Wheeler.
I recently had the pleasure of being a guest on the 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐒𝐮𝐩𝐞𝐫 𝐌𝐨𝐦 𝗪𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐚𝐛𝐞 Podcast, where I share lots of 𝐭𝐢𝐩𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐞𝐬 for parents with Kristen Wheeler.
"Cindy gives us a survival guide for how to talk to our kids about this subject that can feel scary, overwhelming, and awkward...
She helps us be prepared for the 𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 that will come,
how to 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐨𝐥𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐝 not to shy away from them, and
the HUGE favor we can do for our daughters by 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐱 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞."
Find it at the links below:
6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child
Using books can jump-start conversations with your child.
Using books can jump start conversations with your child.
Read the book before sharing it with your child. Understand what content is there.
Especially with younger child, reading the book together may be the way to go. This will allow you to filter information, give alternate language and answer immediate questions as you read.
Feel the freedom to read parts of a book together at one point and leave other parts for later. There may be parts you want to leave out altogether.
If you give your child a book, HAND it to them. Please don’t just leave it for them to randomly find. You want to communicate your comfort and availability in being their primary source of sex education.
Follow up so that you can answer questions and initiate discussion. Even if they do not come to you and ask--YOU initiate follow up conversation.
No book is perfect. No parent is perfect. We are not trying for perfect. Our goal is to do the very best we can to give the right information at the right time.
Learn more:
Letter to parents
Conversations starters for parenting partners
My child is starting sex ed at school. Send help!
Why Sex-Ed Really Matters
Mother/Daughter Interview
Less Shame. More Sex Ed
Childhood sexual abuse prevention: 2 tools for parents
4 Questions For Parents As They Talk About Sexual Health With Kids
Feel more prepared to navigate your role as your child's sexual health educator.
When I am teaching parent workshops, I encourage parents to think through their own feelings about sex and sexuality. Your past experiences, and your own sexual health education you received growing up - do influence how you parent your own child and their sexual health.
It’s important for parents to do some personal investigation and reflection into this. And, if you are parenting with a partner, take some time to discuss together how you will approach sexual health with your own child. These ongoing conversations will help you feel more prepared as you navigate your role as your child's sexual health educator.
Here are 4 questions to get you started:
What influenced you as a child growing up in regard to sexual health?
What is your comfort level in talking out loud about bodies and sexual health topics?
What are your feelings and thoughts about nakedness in your home?
What education do you have or still need to teach your child their sexual anatomy?
Learn more about these topics:
Letter of encouragement to parents.
My child is starting sex ed at school. Help!
Tips for using sexual health themed books with your child.
Why Sex-Ed Really Matters
Mother/Daughter Interview: Healthy Conversations About Sex
Female anatomy 101
Parents: You Can Be Your Child's Sexual Health Educator
Your home is the ideal place for your children to learn about their body, sexuality, relationships, consent and ALL things related to their sexual health. Parents you can be your child’s sex educator!
Parents: You can be your child’s primary sexual health educator!
Children desperately need adults that can talk to them openly about their bodies, sexuality, puberty and sex. So often, parents feel unsure, uncomfortable and unprepared to open these conversations, so they remain ... silent.
Silence is the enemy of sex education!
Research shows that children are primarily influenced by their parents. So, it is imperative that parents educate themselves ahead of time and be prepared to talk to their children about these important topics, as well as be the one their child seeks out with their questions and concerns...uncomfortable or not!
From babyhood, boys and girls need to understand the names for their sexual body parts. By that I do not mean, “your woo-woo, or wee-wee” -- I mean PENIS and VAGINA and VULVA. It is important for genitals to be named in the same matter-of-fact manner as other body parts, not associated with nicknames or snickering or attitudes that shame. For example: this is your leg, this is your nose, and this is your penis. This is your elbow, this is your vulva, and you pee out of your urethra. Young children also need to hear often that their body is unique to them. That no two bodies are alike! It is crucial that they understand from the get go that all bodies are different and differences are beautiful and normal. The comparisons begin at an early age and young children need a solid base of body self-acceptance before the puberty years ahead.
By starting early and often, these conversations become a natural part of daily life.
One of the most vital roles parents can play is to be their child’s primary source of information and education on matters surrounding sexuality and sex. It is imperative to communicate that you are open to ANY question asked. That nothing is off limits. Children need to be assured that if a parent does not know the answer, they will find out for them, and get back to them. AND THEN DO IT! Today’s child has easy access to the Internet and if you will not answer their questions, they will either Google for the answer, ask their peers (who knows what they know) or view pornography to gather information. So many kids today when asked, say that their primary source of sex education is from pornography. There are so many mixed messages for children in our culture today; it is crucial that parents help their child navigate the confusion. You can do this by playing an active role in providing accurate information and being available. You can do this by consistently affirming what is normal and natural.
As your child asks questions, learn to really listen for what is being asked. A good first response might be, “Wow! What a great question, what made you think of that?” to allow the child to give context to what they truly want to know.
The key here is giving the right information at the right time.
So, don’t be afraid to take that pause after a difficult question posed, and with your game face on, ask that additional context question before you answer. Another idea is to give a little bit of information and wait to see if that is all they really want to know or if you should add a bit more. If your child isn’t asking any questions, take the initiative and ask questions yourself. An easy way to jumpstart a conversation is to use things you encounter together. For example: a breastfeeding mother; a new baby, or a pregnant woman. With an elementary age child you might ask something like, “I know kids at school are probably talking about sex. Are you hearing things you have questions about?” or “When I was your age, I had questions about…. (pubic hair or breasts or where babies come from), have you ever thought about that?”
Ideally, it is best if these kinds conversations start at an early age and occur often as a normal part of your family conversations. However, it is never too late to start being available and opening the doors to talking about sexuality and sex. No matter the age of your child, take the initiative and break the silence!
4 questions for parents to discuss
My child is starting sex ed - send help!
Childhood sexual abuse prevention: 2 tools for parents
6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child
Contact me to learn more about my Parent workshops!
The Shared Journal
A shared journal is one way to open the doors for communication and conversation with your child.
As a mom raising three daughters, I was constantly trying to find ways to keep opening doors for conversation with my girls. So often in everyday life, the timing isn’t right or the issue is touchy or someones having a meltdown - and we can miss opportunities to connect and really hear what is going on inside our child’s mind and heart.
I’ve always been a journal keeper, and so I decided to keep a journal between each daughter and myself. Sort of like note-writing back and forth - but in a little book. A little book I left under their pillow to find.
With today’s technology, the idea of note-writing is a lost art, but honestly there is a lot of appeal in a personal and intimate journal. If you have a child that enjoys drawing more than writing, use a sketch book instead and draw pictures to replace words. Do what works for you and your child.
Pillow Talk: Kids edition
To start, purchase a journal/sketch book and write to your child on the first page explaining that this will be your special place to write to each other. Explain that anything is okay to write about: feelings, questions, fears, et cetera. Let them know you will both write in the book and then leave it secretly back and forth for each other.
Then, tuck the journal under your child’s pillow for them to find. Younger children may come running with it wanting clarification - great! Laugh with them and whisper that it is a secret between the two of you. Older children may not say a word, but hopefully the idea is initiated, and you find the journal under your pillow soon with a few words or a picture.
Key: If your child leaves the book for you - respond
Ideally, respond the same day and leave the book under their pillow for them to find.
Hopefully this starts the process of writing back and forth to one another about all sorts of feelings, concerns, questions and sometimes just silly fun.
Let me be honest, sometimes I would find the journal under my pillow three times in a day, or sometimes months would go by and I wouldn’t see it at all. Often, I initiated a conversation in the journal or asked a question and slipped it under my child’s pillow. Sometimes she responded. Sometimes she didn’t.
Do your best to keep the focus on your child’s feelings and not your own. Whether they respond each time or not, keep moving forward knowing that you are investing in your child. When an opportunity presents itself, initiate the back and forth conversation.
The point here is to have another form of communication with your child that feels safe and non-threatening. Try not to have a big agenda about it. This may work for you and your child, or it may not.
My encouragement to parents: keep trying different ways to open the doors to conversation. You lead the way. Show your child how to listen, talk and connect with you and with others.
(Hear me talk more about parenting in this Mother/daughter conversation on the podcast)