5 ideas for keeping it sexy using condoms

Putting on a condom is ruining the mood; how can I keep it sexy?

This question was submitted in my recent Ask Me Anything Q & A. If you are feeling the same way, here are five ideas to try.

1. Change your mindset. Literally, say “sexy” rather than “ugh” to yourself and each other. Don’t turn yourself off with a negative voice in your head or out loud to each other.

Your brain is your most important sex organ - Use it!

Let me also add that if you desire to prevent pregnancy and/or you are taking measures to have safe sex with a barrier method such as condoms - that is sexy!

2. Try different textured condoms.

Condoms come in several textures such as ribbed, dot design, and studded. Check out a different brand or type and see what sensations feel good for both of you. If either partner has sensitivities, you’ll want to take this into consideration before trying these options.

3. Use your mouth along with your fingers.

Combining oral pleasure as you roll it on adds some different stimulation. Look into each other’s eyes for even more heat and connection.

4. Use 1-2 drops of lube inside the condom.

Lube not only makes using condoms more comfortable, for some it can increase pleasure. Try using a small amount of lube and see what a difference it can make. Reminder: oil-based products are not compatible with latex condoms - use water based or silicone.

5. Roll it on in a 69 position to combine with oral for the partner on top.

This idea is both sexy and pleasurable for both partners. Taking your time here will definitely keep you in the mood while rolling one on!

Listen: 'Sex Postpartum' on the Mamas in Training Podcast

I was delighted to join Jessica Lorion on the Mamas in Training Podcast for a two-part series on all things Sex, Pregnancy and Postpartum.

We discuss the realities of the fourth trimester, that go far beyond the infamous 6-week mark! I encourage moms not to jump into sexual activity they do not feel ready for physically or emotionally and to remember that sex should not be painful.

One topic we talk about:

What does it mean to be touched out?

Here’s a clip from the show notes: “Especially in postpartum, our bodies can feel like baby machines. They have just been put through a major trauma and now they are being used to feed, soothe and nurture a human. It is very challenging to expect our bodies and our minds to then flip a switch and become sexual beings. Cindy shares with us the importance of “changing hats.” It is important that we take off our mother hat and give ourselves time to not be touched, so then we can put on the hat of wife/partner who wants to be desired and is desirable.” 

One of my favorite podcast interviews to date. Give it a listen via the links below.

Listen: 'How to Navigate Sex During Pregnancy' on the Mamas in Training Podcast

I was delighted to join Jessica Lorion on the Mamas in Training Podcast for a two-part series on all things Sex, Pregnancy and Postpartum.

This rich conversation goes far beyond whether sex during pregnancy is safe. I encourage listeners to rethink desire, intimacy, and sexual activity in new and different ways.

One frequently asked question I address in this episode:

What if I don’t desire sex or my partner doesn’t desire sex during pregnancy?

Here’s a clip from the show notes: “We often think about sex in a very narrow way and Cindy shows us how to shift our mindset and communicate with our partners. Oftentimes during pregnancy and postpartum, our bodies can feel like a machine, or it can begin to feel foreign to us, so how do we check back in and find that sexual desire again? Your relationship doesn’t have to suffer during this time and there are ways to navigate this tricky subject that Cindy gives us in this episode.”

This was one of my favorite podcast interviews to date. Give it a listen via the links below.

Your Accelerator & Brake

YOUR DUAL CONTROL SYSTEM

Your brain and its two part sexual control system

There is a dual sexual control system at work in your brain. It includes an accelerator and a brake.

A lot of people think there might be something wrong with their accelerator or their on.

More often, the issues are with your brake or off’s.

Investigate what pushes your brake.

*Link to Book Review mentioned in video

Scheduling Sex

WHY SCHEDULING SEX IS A GOOD THING

Pain and Sex

Painful sex is never normal.

Due to the lack of education about sex, and years of hearing half-truths, many women think pain with sex is typical or normal. They believe that pain might just be part of what every woman experiences with sex.

False.

If you are experiencing painful penetration, the three reasons I address here are potential causes that have solutions that you can take control over right now.

However, if these more common causes don’t seem to be the issue, then I encourage you to seek help from your medical provider. Preferably, start with an OB/GYN doctor or a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist. A qualified healthcare provider can assess more involved issues causing dyspareunia. Dyspareunia is the medical term for genital pain that occurs just before, during or after intercourse. Though certainly not an exhaustive list, a few examples of conditions that might cause pain would be: hormonal changes that decrease lubrication and elasticity of the vagina; ovarian cysts; fibroids; endometriosis; skin irritation or inflammation; infection; or vaginismus.

There are solutions, and I strongly encourage you to seek the help.

Tips on talking about sexual health with your healthcare provider HERE.

Three Common Causes

1. Not enough “arousal” time before penetration

Women’s bodies require sufficient time for arousal in order to get to a place of desiring anything entering their vagina. Allowing time for increased arousal will give your vagina and vulva the time they need to lubricate. This also increases blood flow which allows your vagina to soften and lengthen. All of these arousal responses help ensure that you don’t feel pain during sex.

Take your time!

2. Not enough lubrication before penetration

Lubrication is absolutely necessary for penetrative sex not to result in pain. Some women’s bodies produce a lot of natural lubricant, and some don’t. Both are normal! It is important to understand how your own body functions and if you naturally lubricate enough for pleasure or if you need added lubrication. Many women need or desire more lube than they produce -- sometimes all the time, and sometimes at varying seasons in their lives. Some possible causes of decreased lubrication might be: hormonal changes, medications, menopause, postpartum or breastfeeding, and aging.

There are many lube options available, read about them HERE.

3. Positioning

If certain sex positions are painful for you then by all means, STOP using that position or figure out ways to modify that position so it doesn’t hurt. Often a certain position may be uncomfortable because penetration is too hard or too deep. An easy adjustment for this is to try positions where you are in charge of how deep and how hard. Women sometimes find that positions where they are on top allows them this kind of control. There are also options to customize penetration depth with devices such as Ohnut rings.

Gently try different positions and evaluate what works or doesn’t work for you.

What usually happens if someone has pain with sex?

They stop desiring it and ultimately stop having it altogether. Communication with your partner is crucial in working through pain with sex. Be honest with them. Talk about what is going on with your body and what you want to do about it. Take a step toward breaking the silence.

You do NOT have to give up on sex!

Learn more on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast
Pelvic Health and Painful Sex

* links are not sponsored content, but if you want to try Ohnut mentioned above, they offer my community 15% with code CINDY

Listen: 'Let's expand foreplay & Increase arousal' on the Smart Sex podcast

I was delighted to be invited back for another conversation with Leslie Gustafson on the Smart Sex Podcast! (Listen to our first conversation here).

This episode, #13, is a deep dive into what foreplay really is - in and out of the bedroom.

We discuss expanding your idea of foreplay, by dispelling the myth that foreplay is simply “pre-gaming.'‘

This conversation includes tips for using your senses, the differences between male and female arousal and ideas to help couples enhance their intimate relationship and sex life.

Listen via the links below.

Let’s keep opening these kinds of healthy conversations about sex!

Using Your Senses For Pleasure

Our brain has a sexual excitement system that uses our senses to scan around for sexually relevant stimuli. This system is always working under our conscious level. I want to encourage the idea of consciously activating this system, by using your senses and imagination with intentionality. When we use our mind and engage our senses, we send signals to our brain to “tune in” and those signals can then help press the “on” button to stimulate arousal.

Here are some very simple ideas to spark your thinking and get you started. Get curious and try one thing that brings a new element into your lovemaking. Again the idea is to activate your senses with intention. Keep in mind my friends that sex doesn’t have to be serious and precious all the time. It can be playful, fun and make you laugh together as well. Keep the focus on pleasure!

SEE

• Turn the lights on or use a dimmer switch for soft light

• Use candlelight

• Watch yourself or your partner in a mirror

• Use a blindfold

• Keep your clothes on

• Keep one piece of clothing/shoes on

• Dance for your partner, have your partner dance for you

SMELL

• Candle & Aromatherapy: here are a few researched options to consider: Sandalwood, Jasmine, Peppermint, Lavender, Ylang ylang, Pumpkin (for men), Almond (for women), Vanilla, Licorice, Cinnamon, Basil, Citrus

• Scented lube or scented body massage oil or scented massage candle (Maude’s are lovely)

• Scented bathing products  

TASTE

• Feed each other

• Create and enjoy a fruit feast on your body or your partner’s body,

• Share a mint back and forth as you kiss, or chocolate or another treat

• Edible lube

• Edible massage oil

HEAR

• Create a sexy playlist: choose songs with rhythms that feel erotic to you or with words that resonate for you and your partner, make the list together if possible

• Play ocean waves or raindrops on a sound machine (or whatever sound feels romantic)

• Choose a “sex song” or two or three - when you hear the song let your mind engage with sexual thoughts of your partner. Send the song to your lover when you are thinking of them.

• Tell your partner out loud what you like, communicate your pleasure, make some noise

TOUCH

• All over the body not just the genitals

• Try this pleasure touch exercise

• Massage each other

• Feathers for light touching

• Scarves for drawing along your body or touching through the silky fabric

• Dabble with temperature play using hot and cold sensations

IMAGINE

• Acknowledge your fantasies in your own mind

• Share fantasies with one another

• Act out fantasies or dip a toe into role play

• Bring to mind memories of passionate sexual encounters you have had. These can be erotic keepsakes that you can open and replay in your mind

• Remind your partner of pleasurable and hot sex you have had together. Share the details as sexy foreplay

*Some of the links are “affiliate links,” a link with a special tracking code. This means if you click on an affiliate link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission.

The Clitoris - It's a Network!

*Fun fact: The word clitoris is thought to come from the Greek word, kleis, a key.

It’s the key to unlocking pleasure

When asked to identify this 3-D picture model of the clitoris network, (pictured above), most people give answers like “I have no idea” or “a tulip emoji,” or even “a wishbone.”

This model provides some much needed insight into the shape and 10-centimeter size of the pleasure center for women.

Yes! It’s an entire NETWORK

Here are some facts about the clitoris to help you understand the entire network. As you read along, keep looking back to the 3-D model for reference; this will help you get a better understanding of where all the parts are as well as where they connect.

• The clitoris is actually composed of many parts, ALL of which can play a role in pleasure.

• The clitoris is a network of erectile tissue. It has as much internal erectile tissue as a penis does externally. Because it isn’t visible from the outside, many don’t know it is there! All of this erectile tissue can respond when aroused.

• Due to the design of the whole clitoris it takes time to warm up and become aroused. Studies are clear that most women require 12-20 minutes or more of arousal (warming up activities) to reach orgasm.

• The clitoris has thousands and thousands of nerve endings.

  The primary Function of the clitoris is PLEASURE

• The visible part of the clitoris on the vulva is called the glans or head. Sometimes it is referred to as the “love button,” because for many women it’s the most sensitive part of the clitoris. The glans is protected by the hood. The glans is attached to the clitoral shaft that runs just beneath the surface of the skin.

• The shaft is composed of erectile tissue and is extremely receptive to sensation. It forks and divides like a “wishbone” with branches. These legs of the clitoris extend deep within the tissue of the vulva, and split to straddle the urethra and the vagina. To be clear: The clitoris extends INTERNALLY all the way to the base of the vaginal opening, meaning you have sensation points from the tip-top to the very bottom (pun intended).

• The internal part of the clitoris is connected to the glans and shaft by two “spongy-like” bulbs of erectile tissue. These bulbs engorge with blood and increase in size when sexually aroused. The more aroused, the more increase of pleasure points internally with penetration or external pressure.

important keys to unlock ALL the pleasure

Every women is different. Every woman may desire different stimulation, and every woman is normal!

In other words, some women really love direct stimulation to the glans or head, while some women find that painful or too sensitive. Some women enjoy stimulation to the hood but not to the glans directly. And some enjoy penetration or massage/pressure to access all the internal nerve endings within the network.

This is all normal (Do you hear my theme here?)

There isn’t a right or wrong way -- or better or best. It is all about what each individual woman enjoys and what brings them pleasure.

I do think many women -- and most men -- simply do not understand how vast the network is. So often all the focus is on the glans or “love button.” If the glans brings you ALL the pleasure you desire, wonderful! However, what many women find as they explore stimulating other sensitive parts of the network is that there may be multiple ways to feel pleasure and different ways to orgasm.

I frequently get asked questions about the G-spot, so let’s use that as one example.

The G-spot is part of the clitoral network

It is not some spot on its own, it is a connected part of the network. This area is a clitoris cluster that attaches to the vaginal ceiling, Made up of spongy erectile tissue, it doesn’t have nearly the number of nerve endings as the clitoral head. Most often this area responds to massaging pressure that is persistent, (think: come hither motion) after a period of arousal has taken place. For some, this is a real focal point of pleasure; for others, not so much.

Again, different experiences and all normal

My encouragement to you is to get to know yourself and your body more and more. Help yourself and your partner figure out what brings you pleasure. Have fun in the process. Don’t be afraid to explore and experiment and laugh and moan along the way. This knowledge about the clitoris network may open up a whole new arousal world for you. Then again, it may not. Either way, you are normal.

Make pleasure the goal

Reels with demo’s on IG
Parts of the clitoris
Network under the surface

To learn more about these topics
Female arousal
Female anatomy
G-spot
The clitoris has a hood
Pleasure techniques with penetration
Cliteracy
Make some noise