Sharing My Thoughts On Steamier Vanilla Sex for HuffPost

Vanilla Sex Can Be Great, But These 5 Things Will Make It Steamier by August Mclaughlin for HuffPost

Sharing my ideas about setting a sultry stage and lubing it up in this article. Vanilla sex isn’t boring!

Read five ways to make it more delicious

Kivin Method

The Kivin method is more of a position than a technique. It is oral sex for her – sideways. This right angle can allow for increased sensations and highly pleasurable stimulation. Some describe experiencing involuntary, pre-orgasmic contractions and/or powerful orgasms with this position. 

How it works: 
Position: 

• The giver positions themselves perpendicular to the receiver’s vulva (T-shape)

• The receiver’s leg will be draped over the giver’s shoulder

• Try using pillows to make things comfortable

Technique: 

• The giver uses their tongue side to side across the vulva

• Focus on exploring the labia, inner thighs, and other areas first before the clitoral hood, and the clitoris

• Make circles, flick your tongue, gently suck - try different and varied techniques to see what brings pleasurable sensations

Remember that the clitoris is erectile tissue.
This means it will swell when aroused. 

Some givers of the Kivin method describe that once the clitoris is good and aroused, they can feel two tiny bumps on either side of the clitoral hood with their tongue. These are called  “K” points, and they are tiny - like a grain of rice. If you feel these, use your tongue across the clitoral hood between these points.

That said, not every person with a vulva enjoys this kind of stimulation nor has detectable “K” points. Experiment and play, then talk through these questions together:

• Do you like this kind of stimulation?

• Is it pleasurable for you? 

• As a partner do you enjoy giving oral in this position?

• Is it fun and exciting to try something new?

More on Oral Sex for Women

Three Sex Positions With Props

Lifted Missionary or Pillow Tilt

Prop needed: pillow/pillows - multiple soft, one firm, or a sex pillow specifically designed as a wedge 
How this works: The woman is laying on the bottom and the penetrating partner is on top. Place pillows under the woman’s buttocks in a way that lifts her hips. Experiment with height and angles that allow for the most pleasure.
Variation: The partner on top is in a standing position at the side of the bed. The woman can place her legs on either side of her partner, on partner’s shoulders or wrapped around her partner’s waist.
Why you might like this:
It can allow for deeper penetration, possible access to a g-spot, and more contact with the head of the clitoris via angling. It also provides a great visual and direct eye contact. 
Added bonus - if you pair direct clitoral stimulation with hands or a toy.

 
Chair Sex (variation on cowgirl)

Prop needed: chair - you may have to try a few to land on the right one for the rider’s height, leg, and hip flexibility (all chairs aren’t built alike)
How this works: The partner sits in a chair and the woman straddles her partner in a sitting position facing them.
Variation: Reverse the woman’s position so that she is sitting on her partner’s lap and facing out (reverse cowgirl). Again through angling, rocking, shallowing or pairing clitoral stimulation by the woman herself.
Why you might like this: It allows the woman to control her movements, angles, and timing to hit all the right pleasure spots. It provides lots of skin-to-skin contact, and direct eye contact. 
Added bonus - if you experiment with the pleasure techniques of rocking, shallowing and grinding.

Sex with height or heels

Prop needed: added height with heels or stairs
How it works: The woman wears heels for various standing positions. For entry from the front try a three legged dog position (she has one leg wrapped around partners waist). For entry from behind, try a standing spoon position or doggy style with a wall/couch/table for support. 
Variation: If you have access to stairs, you can use the different stair heights to position yourselves. For example: the woman kneels on one stair, her feet on a stair below that and her arms or hands on the stair above her. The partner kneels behind - on a lower stair. The woman will need to adjust her height to meet her partner’s pelvis comfortably. The partner below will need to hold hips for support.
Why you might like this:
Height discrepancies in standing positions can make things tricky or even uncomfortable. A little extra height may give your bodies the alignment they need.
Added bonus - pair direct clitoral stimulation with hands or a toy.  

Rather listen? Hear it on the podcast

Temperature Play

Dabbling with different temperatures can be a fun way to bring variety, playfulness, and new sensations into your sexy time. Our bodies have so many potential erogenous zones. It’s easy to focus solely on the genitals and forget the myriad sensitive areas over the entire body. Introducing hot and cold can be an intriguing way to explore with yourself or with a partner. 

Focusing on your senses helps you to stay present in the moment, get out of your head, and pay attention to what your body is feeling. Adding temperature is a relatively easy addition to sensual play. Getting curious about incorporating hot/cold and negotiating consent around it beforehand also alerts your brain to prepare and be on alert for new sensations. It can create exciting and sexy anticipation for your body to experience something new.

3 Ways to bring the heat

1. Use a massage candle or warmed massage oil to explore erogenous zones with heated wax/oil.

2. Drink something hot before kissing or oral sex

3. Focus a showerhead with various degrees of warm water on your genitals. For a hands free pleasure tool, consider the Waterslyde water diverter for an arousing water experience.

3 Ways to cool it down

1. Keep an ice cube in your mouth while kissing or during oral sex.

2. Run a piece of ice down your throat and follow the drip down to your navel or have a partner follow the drip with their tongue. Try the sensation of cold grazing the nipples or ear lobes.

3. Play with popsicles or whipped cream and have fun licking it off.

1 WAy to add intensity

1. Taking away one sense can heighten another. Consider blindfolding a partner on the receiving end of temperature play, with consent first of course. This can add an element of surprise and intensity to hot and cold sensations.

More on these topics:
Using your senses for pleasure
Your brain’s sexual excitement system
Waterslyde (use code CINDY for 10% off)
Maude massage candles (code CINDY10)

The Clitoris Has a Hood

The clitoral hood is located at the top of the vulva where the labia minora (inner lips) meet. It is a fold of skin that protects the glans clitoris (the external part of the clitoris). The glans clitoris is packed with nerve endings and highly sensitive to touch and irritants, like friction. The hood is its protection.

Remember that the glans is only one part of the clitoris, the rest of its structure is internal, but still accessible for arousal and pleasure. 

The amount of the glans covered by the clitoral hood varies from body to body. Each of our bodies is unique. The clitoral hood may cover all, some, or none of the glans clitoris.

When you become sexually aroused, your clitoris becomes engorged or swollen, this pulls back the clitoral hood allowing for more external access to the glans. Be sure to allow yourself enough time for adequate arousal. For some people, the clitoral hood is large, has extra tissue or is very thick. This may interfere with the kind of stimulation they may want/need to the glans clitoris. Below are some ideas to try for a range of different bodies.

Stimulation and pleasure 

Sometimes it feels great to avoid touching the exposed glans and just stimulate the hood or layers of skin around it. For some people, the glans clitoris is sensitive to the point that it is uncomfortable when touched directly. Touching the hood may be a technique to explore for pleasure.

When you touch the clitoral hood and the skin around the glans - it gives the glans little nudges of stimulation indirectly.

Some people can orgasm from stimulation to the clitoral hood alone.

Techniques to try

• Up and down strokes on the hood

• Move the skin of the hood

• Circling the hood

• Tapping the hood

• Gliding over the hood

• Vibration sensations using a vibrator on or near the hood

If you have a very thick or larger clitoral hood

Techniques to try

Apply more direct pressure to the hood

Strong vibrations using a vibrator

Gently draw back the hood (if able) for more direct stimulation to the glans

Use adequate lubricant, and rub around the hood and glans to determine if you can “free up” the glans. If unable to, consult with your healthcare provider.

Some people suffer from clitoral adhesions that hinder the clitoral hood from fully retracting, if you feel this might be the case for you, see your healthcare provider to determine the cause and potential treatment options.

Learn more about these topics:

The clitoris - it’s a network!
Female anatomy 101
A guide to lube
Why female arousal takes more than 5 minutes
Why vibrators work for women
3 tips for boosting your arousal
Reclaim your arousal mindset
Talking about your sexual health with your medical provider

Tips For Speeding Up Your Arousal

Sometimes timing is everything! Try these 3 tips to speed up arousal.

Sex after exercise

Exercise gets your heart rate up and increases blood flow. This means blood flow to your genitals too. Think of it as priming the genitals for arousal. This can speed up the process. Additionally, bringing blood flow to the genitals will increase your potential for orgasm.

Sex in the morning

Have sex in the morning or afternoon rather than late at night or as the last thing before bed. You have more energy earlier in the day, and energy for sex comes out of the same fuel tank as everything else in your day. Additionally, hormone levels (especially testosterone) are highest in the morning.

Sex as the appetizer rather than dessert

Sex before meals - rather than after can be better for arousal. Big meals require your blood flow to go to your digestion. You want all available blood flow going to your genitals! Next time you’re planning a date night, think about sex as your appetizer, not dessert!

Learn more about these topics:

Reclaim your arousal mindset

Benefits of morning sex

Why women’s arousal takes more than 5 minutes

Community Questions: Arousal, Role Play and Condoms

Exploring Your Perspective Of Pleasure

How do you feel about pleasure?

Exploring Your Perspective of Pleasure

Did you grow up with education around how your body experiences pleasure? The combination of cultural messaging, lack of education and silence all factor into shaping our perception of sexual desire, as well as our ability to allow ourselves physical pleasure.

There is no shame in desiring, enjoying and experiencing pleasure with sex. 

More than likely, you don’t often see a woman depicted in a movie who enjoys and pursues sex for the pleasure of it. Even more unusual is a woman portrayed who desires sex because she wants to be pleased, instead of being desperate to please.

The exercise of understanding the messaging you have taken in around pleasure is important for your overall sexual health and ability to pursue pleasure. Investigate what your internal voice says and what you have come to believe about pleasure. Take some time with the statements below and ask yourself questions such as:

“Do I believe this?” or “Do I tell myself this?” 

• Sex is a performance for someone else.

• My partner’s pleasure and satisfaction are what matters most.

• Sex is not for my pleasure

• My sexual pleasure is wrong, not allowed or doesn’t matter.

• I am a vehicle for pleasure; I can’t receive it.

• My pleasure is a bonus, not a focus of intimacy.

• My partner is responsible for my pleasure.

After working through these questions, decide for yourself what holds true and what doesn’t. You have permission to throw out ideas you no longer believe and grab onto new ones.

You can give yourself - permission for pleasure!

Learn more on this topic:
Are you having sex worth wanting?
Permission for Pleasure Podcast
My letter to young women
10 ways to be sexual without masturbating

New Year Intentions For Better Sex

• Get to know your body and anatomy

• Gain more understanding of your sexuality

• Give yourself permission to try something new

• Get curious about eroticism and sensual play

• Gain more education about sex through the podcast

• Give yourself permission to talk about sex

• Grow your sexual conversation with a partner by using these prompts

• Gift yourself a vibrator or toy

• Grab a good lubricant for sex

• Get curious about temperature play

• Give your arousal a nudge with these three tips

• Get up for morning sex

• Go sexify your bedroom

• Gift yourself a sexual wellness retreat with my book Permission for Pleasure: Tending Your Sexual Garden

• Get out of your bedroom boredom with an Ayra intimacy subscription box (use my discount code CS15)

• Glow up your arousal with Foria’s CBD Intimacy Oil

Sex and ADHD

Tips for intimacy with ADHD

Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is characterized by hyperactivity, restlessness, impulsive actions, and trouble paying attention. These symptoms may be influencing your sex life. There is very little available research around this topic, but I have gathered some tips that may help you to stay anchored and engaged to enjoy sex and experience more intimacy.

• Communicate with your partner. Be open about what you need, what helps you stay present and the things that make intimacy difficult for you. Honest dialogue will allow you and your partner to create intimacy that works for both of you. Sexual communication is key.

• Eliminate distractions in your bedroom. Are the lights too bright? Are the sounds too loud? Is there a TV on? What can you remove or change in your environment to keep your attention on the sensations you’re feeling and your partner?

• Add variety and mix things up to keep your attention active.

• Narrate your experience or have your partner narrate.

• Experience with playing different kinds of music to see if this facilitates your focus.

• Pick the time of day that’s best for you. First thing in the morning not your thing? Meet up for an afternoon delight date or try an evening sex date. Experiment with finding your ideal intimacy time window.

• Try scheduling sex which allows you time to mentally prepare for it.

• Exercise regularly. Activity can support focus and decrease symptoms.

• Talk to your healthcare provider about your ADHD medication. Do you have side effects that are affecting your libido? Is the timing of your ADHD medication working well with the time of day you are often sexually active? Most often, taking your ADHD medication will help you to focus and enjoy the sex you are having.

• Learn about mindfulness and start a practice. Mindfulness has been shown to improve general attention and concentration in people with ADHD. I highly recommend Dr. Lori Brotto’s book on mindfulness techniques as a way to get started.

• Meet with a trained sex therapist. Talk therapy may be helpful for you alone, or with your partner, to open healthy conversations around intimacy in and out of bed.

Learn more about these topics
Talking with a partner about sex
Sexual Communication
Sexify your space
Book review: Better Sex Through Mindfulness
Scheduling sex
Create a sexy playlist
Sex on the brain

Sexify Your Bedroom

How to build a sex-y bedroom: ten tips to sexify your space

We can’t all have an entire room just for sexy fun! But we can take some steps to make the space we do have feel sexier and more sensual. Research shows that those with the most enjoyable sex life, set up their environment for sex with intention. Choose from - moody lighting, mirrors, props, privacy and more.

level up your bedroom for better sex

1. First things first - get a lock on the door. It can decrease anxiety around being interrupted, walked-in on or surprised at the exactly the wrong time! Privacy and having a safe space for intimacy is your first priority.

2. If it isn’t for sleeping or sex - can you get it out of your bedroom? Clutter, dirty laundry, paperwork, electronics, unfinished projects - look around your space and see what you can eliminate that doesn’t help you sleep or have great sex. Get rid of distractions!

3. Keep the TV out of your sexy space. I know, I know! Some of you will strongly disagree about this, but studies have shown that couples have more sex when there isn’t a TV in their bedroom.

4. If it’s available to you, invest in high-quality sheets. The kind that make you want to slip into them. If that isn’t an option, wash your sheets often and use a lavender dryer bag or spritz them with an intoxicating scent you enjoy before jumping in.

5. Moody lighting. Whether you use candlelight, a dimmer switch, the soft glow from a small lamp or changing lightbulb that allows you adjust percentage/colors - light your room to match your mood. Create the atmosphere that turns you on!

6. Have a photo of you and your partner visible. This tip is especially for parents. Your children are amazing, but the family album on your bedside may not spark the desire you are looking for. It can be hard enough to switch from parent to lover, and a picture you really like of the two of you might be just the thing to remind you who you're in bed with.

7. Use a speaker for music or sound machine for privacy. Go ahead and create a sexy playlist while you’re at it or choose the ocean waves sound to get you in the mood.

8. Stop scrolling. Our phones are so distracting. Keep your head in the game and pay attention to each other rather than social media, email and texts. Let the last thing you touch at night and the first thing you touch in the morning - be your partner rather than your phone!

9. Mirror mirror on the wall. If you really enjoy the visual of watching your partner or watching the two of you together having sex, see if there is space for a mirror somewhere in your bedroom. Many people find this a turn on and a sensual way to connect with each other.

10. Bedroom props. Keep a pillow or two around to change up positions. If you like chair sex - keep one in your bedroom. Do you have a drawer or place to keep your toys and lube? Make sure the items you enjoy for sex are easily available.

Bonus Tip: Read these tips with your partner or listen to me talk about them on the podcast, and pick one or two ideas together to sexify your space!

4 Techniques Women Use To Increase Pleasure With Penetration

While there are a percentage of women who sometimes orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, most of the women I have talked to over three decades as a nurse say that they cannot or rarely do.

You are normal if you do or don’t!

I want to share 4 techniques women use to increase their pleasure with penetration. To clarify, when I say penetration, this can mean a penis, toy, or fingers. These techniques outlined below provide stimulation to the clitoris which is the main pleasure organ for women.

OMGyes, a research company and website devoted to women’s sexual pleasure, in partnership with Indiana University School of Medicine, conducted a nationally representative study of over 3000 women ages 18-93, and I am sharing their results. These techniques were reported and named through their study and published in the scientific journal, PLOS ONE

Having language for what works or to describe what you want can be helpful.

It is helpful for yourself, in understanding your body and how you experience pleasure. Additionally, it can be very helpful in communicating with a partner - to describe what you want and desire. You may read one or more of these techniques and think to yourself, “Ohhhh, I do that!” Or, you might read and think, “Hmmmm…. I want to try that one and see how it feels!” Get curious and explore. Your pleasure matters!

4 ways women report experiencing more pleasure from vaginal penetration

Shallowing: 

84% of women report using this technique

This is touch that stays just inside the entrance of the vagina - not all the way into the vagina. It is often slower, shallow thrusts and more gentle motions. Some women report enjoying a “curling motion” over and over. Good arousal and warm up time is key along with adequate lubrication. The perineum or tissue between the vagina and rectum is sensitive and will want lubrication to decrease friction but not sensation!

Watch my demo on Instagram

Pairing:

70% of women report using this technique

This is basically including stimulation to the clitoris along with penetration at the same time. This can be done by either by the woman, by her partner or with a toy. Remember, the clitoris is the key to women’s pleasure. So, if you enjoy stimulation to the glans clitoris on the outside of the vulva -reach down to stimulate that area. You can do this yourself or ask a partner do it. Have a conversation about it and you might ask a partner if you can guide their hand to show them where/how you enjoy the touch. Also consider choosing positions that allow for this kind of reach to the glans clitoris.

Watch my demo on Vimeo

Rocking:

76% of women report using this technique

With rocking, penetration stays inside. There isn’t thrusting motion. This allows the glans clitoris to be in constant contact without interrupted stimulation. Some people may call this grinding or other terms. If you are doing this with a partner, one way to “remind” them to keep still might be to wrap your legs around them. This prevents them from moving and allows more grinding and rocking motions by you rather than them (whether you are on the top or on the bottom).

Watch my demo on Instagram

Angling:

88% of women report using this technique

You may be doing this naturally, as it involves rotating, raising, or lowering the hips to adjust where the penis, fingers or toy comes in contact with the clitoral hood or glans clitoris. The distance between the clitoris and vaginal opening varies from woman to woman so there is not a set landmark to gauge from. You might consider using a pillow under your buttocks and experimenting with height and firmness. Another option to try is rounding your back to tuck your pelvis up or putting one leg up. Get creative and try tilting different ways and in different angles for different sensations.

These four techniques identified by OMGYES can really help you to talk about things you want to try or positions you want to use with a partner. Communication is key.

Prefer to listen? Hear Pleasure Techniques on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast

Learn more about these topics
All about the clitoris
The clitoris has a hood
Orgasm questions
Why female arousal takes more than 5 minutes
Talking with a partner about sex
Why vibrators work for women
Guide to lube

Do Women Ejaculate? What Is Squirting?

I often get asked these questions, and yes, women can ejaculate. Some women are aware that they do, though some may ejaculate without being aware of it. Both are normal. Ejaculating is not necessary for women to experience pleasure and it is not like what is portrayed in porn. There is no benefit to pressuring yourself to ejaculate, nor should you be expected to by a partner.

How it happens

The pair of glands on either side of the urethra (the hole where urine or pee exits the body) are called Skene’s glands. These glands can secrete a small amount of fluid during sexual activity. The amount would be approximately 1-2ml or a few drops of fluid - not a large amount. This is ejaculate. It is not urine, and it doesn’t squirt or project any distance. Usually it dribbles out, which is why many women may not be aware that it is happening. 

What about squirting?

There remains a lot of controversy and misunderstanding about squirting and the existing research on the subject is limited. Much of what people know about squirting comes from pornography or videos in which people are acting and performing. Most of what we see in these spaces is entertainment and unrealistic. 

Across women who report that they squirt, there is quite a bit of variance in how they describe it. The amount of fluid involved varies as well. Some report a few drops, others up to half a cup or more. This fluid comes from the urethra, not the vagina. It is watery, not slippery. There is discrepancy about what is included in the fluid and the scientific debate continues. The fluid comes through the urethra, so while it isn’t urine, it likely contains traces of urine and possibly a combination of other fluids.

For women who squirt, it results from firm stimulation to the urethral sponge either with fingers or a toy. The urethral sponge is a spongy cylinder packed with erectile tissue that surrounds the urethra. This is located above the roof of the vagina. This erectile tissue becomes engorged with blood and swells during arousal. Although the research on the subject is currently lacking, there is lots of correlation in how women report stimulation to the G-spot area, and squirting.

While squirting may happen with orgasm, one may occur without the other. For some it is associated with pleasure, and for others it’s not.

Pleasure is your guide

As you investigate sexual techniques, remember to let pleasure be your guide. Putting pressure on yourself or being pressured by a partner to achieve a certain goal creates an atmosphere of performance. This can lead to sexual shame, frustration, and decreased desire. Focus on enjoying the sex you are having, explore with mutual consent and allow yourself to be curious about experiencing more pleasure!

Condoms And Vaginal Health

Most people tolerate condoms well. If you have sensitivity, or you are looking for products with the least number of additives:

Consider these 3 things:

• Avoid condoms with spermicide (they typically include nonoxynol-9 or N-9)

• If condoms with lubricant already added are irritating - choose lubricant-free.

  Add your own preferred lubricant (water-based or silicone, not oil based)

• Consider using polyurethane rather than latex.

options:

• Maude condoms are vegan, made from 100% natural latex, vegan and free from spermicide or fragrance. (Use my Maude affiliate link/code CINDY10 to try them)

• Sustain condoms are nitrosamine-free

10 Ideas To Help You Explore Being a Sexual Person (No Masturbation Required)

In a recent Q & A someone asked me,

“How can you value yourself sexually besides through masturbation?”

This is a beautiful example of someone being sexually curious. They feel a desire to value or appreciate themselves as a sexual being.

Self-touching or masturbation is one healthy way to be sexual, but is certainly not the only way. You can be sexual outside of masturbating. Being an evolving sexual person is more than the act of having sex!

10 ideas to help you explore being a sexual person, and none of them involve Masturbation

• Think of yourself as a sexual being. If this is new for you, begin to see and acknowledge yourself as sexual. Even say it out loud to yourself to get comfortable with this natural and normal part of you. Read my letter to young women or explore this more in my book Permission for Pleasure: Tending Your Sexual Garden

• Explore your sexual ethic. Ask yourself questions like the following: What is your attitude about sex? What are your values around sex? What matters to you? What does sex mean to you? Try not to compare to others or media. Investigate and re-evaluate attitudes that may no longer be serving you. Considering journaling if it helps, or talk with a trusted friend.

• Get curious about what feels sexual to you and where you feel that in your body. Arousal can come from things other than touch such as your imagination or something that you see. What sparks signs of arousal and do you recognize them in your brain and body? These are normal questions to ask yourself as an ongoing conversation through the seasons of your life.

• Use your senses to engage with pleasure - embrace your sensuality. What sounds, sights, smells, tastes, non-sexual touches feel pleasurable in your body? How might you intentionally engage your senses to experience more pleasure. Here is a blog with specific ideas.

• Express yourself and your sexual energy through movement or dance. Use music or quiet, wear clothes or don’t, move with other’s or alone. Allow yourself the freedom to move and be fully present in your body. Not as a performance, just for you alone. Then, pause and ask yourself what that energy feels like and where it is moving within your body.

• Pursue non-sexual touch that feels comfortable to you. For example: stroke your arm, hug yourself, massage your scalp, circle your palm with your fingers, dry brush your skin. Close your eyes and notice the sensations you feel. Can you describe them?

• Make yourself a sensual playlist. Find songs that make you feel things in your body, spark curiosity or prompt desires. As you listen, pay attention to what it is you think or feel. Add and delete songs over time and as you change. Take it a step further by adding movement.

• Eye gaze with yourself in the mirror. Communicate care and tenderness to yourself through your gaze. Speak affirmations over yourself without vocal words – just using your eyes. Offer affirmations about your body, your mind, your sensuality —all of you!

• Begin a mindfulness practice. Take a few minutes every day to get quiet, breathe, and pay attention to the present moment without judgement. Practice keeping your mind in the present with your body. Learn more in Dr. Brotto’s book, or listen to our conversation together in this two-part episode on the podcast.

• Be in community with others who talk about sexual topics in a healthy way. Find a friend that is open to conversations or come over to my podcast community — a safe place to listen and learn along with others all around the world. Have your book club read my book and discuss it. I’ll even join you on zoom for a little Q & A!

5 ideas for keeping it sexy using condoms

Putting on a condom is ruining the mood; how can I keep it sexy?

This question was submitted in my recent Ask Me Anything Q & A. If you are feeling the same way, here are five ideas to try.

1. Change your mindset. Literally, say “sexy” rather than “ugh” to yourself and each other. Don’t turn yourself off with a negative voice in your head or out loud to each other.

Your brain is your most important sex organ - Use it!

Let me also add that if you desire to prevent pregnancy and/or you are taking measures to have safe sex with a barrier method such as condoms - that is sexy!

2. Try different textured condoms.

Condoms come in several textures such as ribbed, dot design, and studded. Check out a different brand or type and see what sensations feel good for both of you. If either partner has sensitivities, you’ll want to take this into consideration before trying these options.

3. Use your mouth along with your fingers.

Combining oral pleasure as you roll it on adds some different stimulation. Look into each other’s eyes for even more heat and connection.

4. Use 1-2 drops of lube inside the condom.

Lube not only makes using condoms more comfortable, for some it can increase pleasure. Try using a small amount of lube and see what a difference it can make. Reminder: oil-based products are not compatible with latex condoms - use water based or silicone.

5. Roll it on in a 69 position to combine with oral for the partner on top.

This idea is both sexy and pleasurable for both partners. Taking your time here will definitely keep you in the mood while rolling one on!

Listen: 'Sex Postpartum' on the Mamas in Training Podcast

I was delighted to join Jessica Lorion on the Mamas in Training Podcast for a two-part series on all things Sex, Pregnancy and Postpartum.

We discuss the realities of the fourth trimester, that go far beyond the infamous 6-week mark! I encourage moms not to jump into sexual activity they do not feel ready for physically or emotionally and to remember that sex should not be painful.

One topic we talk about:

What does it mean to be touched out?

Here’s a clip from the show notes: “Especially in postpartum, our bodies can feel like baby machines. They have just been put through a major trauma and now they are being used to feed, soothe and nurture a human. It is very challenging to expect our bodies and our minds to then flip a switch and become sexual beings. Cindy shares with us the importance of “changing hats.” It is important that we take off our mother hat and give ourselves time to not be touched, so then we can put on the hat of wife/partner who wants to be desired and is desirable.” 

One of my favorite podcast interviews to date. Give it a listen via the links below.

Listen: 'How to Navigate Sex During Pregnancy' on the Mamas in Training Podcast

I was delighted to join Jessica Lorion on the Mamas in Training Podcast for a two-part series on all things Sex, Pregnancy and Postpartum.

This rich conversation goes far beyond whether sex during pregnancy is safe. I encourage listeners to rethink desire, intimacy, and sexual activity in new and different ways.

One frequently asked question I address in this episode:

What if I don’t desire sex or my partner doesn’t desire sex during pregnancy?

Here’s a clip from the show notes: “We often think about sex in a very narrow way and Cindy shows us how to shift our mindset and communicate with our partners. Oftentimes during pregnancy and postpartum, our bodies can feel like a machine, or it can begin to feel foreign to us, so how do we check back in and find that sexual desire again? Your relationship doesn’t have to suffer during this time and there are ways to navigate this tricky subject that Cindy gives us in this episode.”

This was one of my favorite podcast interviews to date. Give it a listen via the links below.

What is edging?

Edging is a technique or practice of bringing yourself or your partner close to, or to the edge of orgasm, and then backing off or decreasing stimulation.

The focus is on building up arousal, and delaying orgasm.

It is pleasurable stimulation right up to the peak before climax, and then dialing it back. Then, building arousal again to the brink of orgasm, stopping stimulation, waiting, and building up again. This can be done repeatedly or for as long as you or your partner are able to hold off climax. One benefit of exploring this practice is that is causes you to slow down the sexual experience.

It is an exploration time of building arousal

A way of getting curious and possibly discovering more ways or places in your body that bring you pleasure and heighten your arousal.

Edging is a technique that takes practice and time to master. If you are going to explore it with a partner, you will want to have good communication! Talk about expectations and timing and be sure you both consent to exploring arousal in this way. You might even have a word or phrase that indicates you want to move into your orgasm so that the experience doesn’t lead to frustration for either you or your partner.
⁣
𝗪𝐡𝐲 𝐝𝐨 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐜𝗲 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬? ⁣

• Women may practice this solo to learn more about their own body. They can gain understanding of what their body responds to, how to increase arousal, and different stimulation they enjoy and that allows them to reach orgasm.

• Some women describe the orgasm as more intense and lasting longer when they do get to final release. ⁣

• Some men use this technique to get in tune with their bodies and learn to delay climax and ejaculation.

• One of the benefits is that it slows your experience down and extends it.⁣

• Practicing edging can help people become more fully attuned to their body and arousal.

• Couples want to introduce something new into their sexual experience together.⁣

Hear more on this topic:
Vibrators, Edging & Anal Sex
Pleasure Techniques with Penetration
Are There Different Kinds of Orgasms?
When your partner wants to try something new

Articles about sex to increase your pleasure.

Photo Credit: KScharkey

Here is a round up of a few articles and blogs about sex that were popular with my newsletter community. Cheers to more people increasing their pleasure through good education!

*If you enjoy curated sex education like this, I want to invite you sign up for my newsletter.

Pleasure Techniques with Penetration

Currently, my most visited blog about the 4 techniques women use to increase pleasure with penetration. The fact is, only about 18% of women orgasm with vaginal penetration alone. These techniques are worth exploring to increase your pleasure and allow for more orgasms!

11 Expert-Approved Sex Positions For Couples With High Drives

This article from mindbodygreen.com walks you through “specific techniques that feature the winning combination of penetration and clitoral stimulation.” It includes simple drawings to demonstrate each technique.

Why Vibrators Work for Women and How To Choose One

This blog draws a lot of readers! There is a lot of stigma around sex toys, but the reality is they don’t have to be scary or overwhelming. And they certainly aren’t bad or taboo! Included are how to introduce a vibrator with a partner, choosing one that’s right for you and beginner recommendations.

Sex Sexperts Share How They Orgasm

This article from Dame gives voice to the myriad ways women climax involving vibrators, fingers, tongues and penetration. It will make it very clear that there is no right way to orgasm and why pleasure is the best focus!

The 10 Sex Questions Every Long-term Couple Wants To Ask

Great article by British sex expert Tracey Cox for the Daily Mail. It addresses solutions to the ten most common sex challenges people in long-term relationships face. She offers practical tips on oral sex, initiating sex, how to go about a sexual "reset," fantasy, and why doing the same thing over and over is "sexual suicide."

All About Lube

This blog gets a lot of traffic as well as it’s corresponding episode on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast (Episode 12). You’ll read the facts about lube, learn the types available, hear my personal recommendations, and get discount codes to try my favorites!

The 45+ Best Sex Positions Every Couple Should Try

If you are looking for a new sex position to try, you will definitely find it in this article. The 45+ Best Sex Positions Every Couple Should Try offers something for everyone. With each position you're given the name, benefits, technique, as well as a hot tip to go along with a drawn image.

Sex After Baby

First things first, Congratulations and I am so proud of you!

YOU CARRIED AND BIRTHED A WHOLE HUMAN!

Your body has been through months of changes and adjustments for pregnancy and then birth. When you add in massive hormonal shifts, the fog of sleep deprivation, possible physical birth trauma and complete care of another helpless human - you have a recipe for an emotional and physical roller coaster ride in the “fourth trimester.”

You are not alone in all the feelings and physical adjustments.

You and your body have worked hard and changed. You are also forming a connection with your baby. So much of postpartum is about taking care of another. While this is normal, it may also cause some disconnection from your body and/or your partner.

Communication is so important right now!

I cannot emphasis this enough. Keep an open dialogue with yourself about how you are feeling. Have ongoing conversations with your partner about how you both are feeling, coping, and relating to each other. Offer yourself and each other a whole lot of grace!

Now let’s talk about the boatload of misinformation and silence around sex after a baby. Quite often women tell one another stories about common issues or problems. Especially when it comes to intercourse being painful. Let me be clear:

Painful sex is not normal!

When we feel pain, we never want to tell ourselves to “just push through it.” Instead, we need to back up and evaluate what is going on. Studies show that 9 in 10 women report pain during sex postpartum, even up to 6 months after birth. Obviously, this is a very common issue, and we need to address it out loud.

It is crucial to remember that an issue being common, does not make it normal! 

So, what advice have you been given so that you will not experience pain? Likely, the only information you received centered around waiting six weeks before putting anything into your vagina. This is minimally helpful, if at all. Most physicians subscribe to this guideline to ensure the vagina is healing, or the cesarean incisions are healing, and you have given your body a tiny bit of time to rest and recover.

This is a minimum recommendation -- not a mandate!

Many women do not feel ready for sex at six weeks and even long past that time frame. Normal! Occasionally there is a woman who is ready before that time. Again, normal.

The best way to approach sex after childbirth is to listen to your body and what she is telling you about when she is ready.

Do not pressure yourself, nor allow your partner to pressure you into sex you are not ready for.

If you haven’t heard this before, let me share a sexual health fact: Sex and pleasure are about more than just intercourse. Given all that is going on within your mind and body at this time, this is more important than ever!

After a baby is an especially good time to engage in times of naked playing, and intimate touching that doesn’t lead to penetrative sex. Try connecting with your partner in this way, before moving in the direction of intercourse. 

With that in mind, here are some ideas:

Give each other a sensual massage, do my pleasurable touch practice, or lay side by side naked and cuddle, mutually masturbate, touch each other all over, or kiss each other from head to toe. These times of connection and pleasurable touch will allow you to engage your sensual self, awaken your body and reconnect with your partner. 

When you are ready to try penetrative sex, consider the following:

• Give yourself time to change roles before sex. Switching from new mama to sensual woman is not always easy. Whether this looks like time alone, a long shower, a bath or change of clothes – transition time helps!

• You have an infant in contact with your body constantly and you may feel “touched out.” This is normal. Call it out for what it is; this allows you and your partner to normalize it, talk about it, and avoid hurt feelings.

• Use lube, more lube, do not forget the lube. I highly recommend using lube the first time you have intercourse after baby - no matter what! If you are breastfeeding, even more so. Breastfeeding leads to low hormone levels which usually results in vaginal dryness and your body producing less of your own natural lubricant.

• Allow adequate time for arousal. Female arousal takes more than 5 minutes and adequate arousal is necessary to avoid pain.

• Have a birth control plan. In case you heard differently from a friend, here’s the truth: you can get pregnant while breastfeeding. Anxiety about getting pregnant again can lead to tension, and tension can cause pain.

• Your hormones may still be shifting. Pay attention to what changes you are experiencing physically and emotionally. If you feel extremely “off” or depressed or unable to care for yourself or your baby, please call your healthcare provider to evaluate your hormone levels and get the help you need.

• Your body has changed. She may tell you new or different things now. Listen.

• What worked before in the bedroom to bring you pleasure may not be the same now. Shifts and changes are not a bad thing, they are normal. If the first time you have intercourse isn’t exactly fireworks, this does not mean you are broken, something is wrong with you, or you won’t experience great sex again.

• If you experience some minor discomfort initially, this may be due to your body adjusting to having something in your vagina again. If you experience pain, this is not normal. Gently stop penetration and move to other sexual activities if you wish. Take some time to evaluate what is going on. Were you aroused enough? Were you lubricated enough? Do you need to adjust positions or depth of penetration? If these easier fixes are not the issue, make an appointment with your healthcare provider to check into what might be causing the pain. Please do not tell yourself things such as: “This is normal,” or “This is just the way it is now,” or “It will get better by itself.”

If your healthcare provider is unable to find the cause of pain:

Request a referral for a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist (PT) evaluation from your OB/GYN. Quite honestly, I feel every woman who carries and births a baby should have a few visits with a Pelvic Floor PT – so if anything seems amiss physically, (wetting yourself, painful sex, pelvic pain, back pain etc.) I strongly recommend getting a referral, in fact, insist on it!

If you are not experiencing pain but feel like you just aren’t experiencing pleasure

Consider all the things discussed above and how they might be affecting you physically and emotionally. You are in a very unique season of life. Get curious about what does feel pleasurable. It may be helpful to ask the question: does taking penetration out of the equation allow me to experience pleasure? If you feel comfortable, gently masturbating with or without your partner may give you insight into what your body responds to right now. Be sure and share what you learn about yourself with your partner.

These suggestions are not meant to be all-encompassing, but rather a part of the larger conversation. This is not medical advice. Please, always seek help from your healthcare provider if you have questions or concerns. If you would like to schedule a consultation call with me to help you navigate these issues, please message me through my contact page. You are not alone.

To learn more on these topics:

Lube, Lube, Lube
Pain and Sex
Your Body After Baby
Pelvic Health and Painful Sex
Sex, Postpartum & Breastfeeding
Sex and Pregnancy
Sexy in Survival Mode
Stretched-out Vaginas and Other Myths