When Kids Ask Questions
6 top reasons kids ask questions. Understanding the why behind your child’s questions about their bodies and sex.
When your child asks you questions about sexual health, you certainly want to give them an answer. Consider going a step further with them to determine the why behind the question, so that you are providing the right information at the right time. It can be helpful for you to understand the reasons behind why they are asking.
One way to do this is by asking a follow up question such as, “What made you ask that question?” or “Good question! What have you heard about this?”
Here are the 6 TOP reasons kids ask questions
Information - This can be a simple straightforward inquiry. They are curious or possibly wanting context for something they have seen or heard. They’re looking for education and information.
Am I normal - They want to understand if they are normal, and what is normal. They are seeking to learn how they fit into normal when they feel like they don’t.
Shock Value - They are looking for your reaction to a question, their knowledge about something, or their desire to know something. Your reaction and response is giving them information about what they can ask you about. They may be thinking, “Am I allowed to talk about this topic with my parent?” or “Can my parent handle these kind of questions?”
Permission seeking - They are seeking to get your permission for something. They may also be trying to determine if they need/want your permission.
Values based - They want to understand the values you hold surrounding a topic or question. The older they get they may also be determining if they align with your values.
Personal - They have something going on with their body, sexuality, or other personal question. The inquiry is directly about themselves.
With all the above, try to be intentional about affirming the ask and helping them understand that you are a safe person to continue coming to with all their questions.
Learn more about this topic:
Be your child’s sexual health educator
4 questions for parents as they talk about sexual health
10 tips for parents
Childhood sexual abuse prevention: 2 tools
6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child
Childhood Sexual Abuse Prevention: 2 Tools For Parents
Start with teaching correct names for body parts, then use these 2 tools.
We all want to keep children safe from sexual abuse. While there is no foolproof way to protect them, there are some tools to help reduce the risk. The one to start with?
Teach your child the correct names for their genitals and body parts.
Children who know the correct names for their body parts are better able to tell you when something is wrong.
As your child gains language, move toward the two tools below. These give parents and caregivers tangible ways to direct kids with words as well as action steps when they are in an uncomfortable or unsafe situation. This needs to be an ongoing conversation with your child - not a one time discussion!
IT IS IMPORTANT TO BRING THIS TOPIC UP REGULARLY.
Ask questions, role play, and provide opportunities for your child to talk about how to handle potential situations with you. Communicate often to your child that they can come to you with any concerns or questions.
Start with the 3 simple words for young children. Then, add the easy to remember acronym from NSPCC (which they call PANTS), as your child approaches school age.
FOR YOUNG CHILDREN
NO - use your voice and say no!
GO - use your feet and go.
TELL - use your mouth and tell a trusted adult.
AS CHILDREN APPROACH SCHOOL AGE
Privates are Private
Always remember your body belongs to you
No means no
Talk about secrets that upset you
Speak up, someone can help
Learn more:
These tips are a part of my parent workshop. Book a workshop with a few friends!
Read my letter of encouragement to parents.
Read my conversations starters for parents.
6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child.
Listen to the Permission for Pleasure Podcast: Why Sex-Ed Really Matters and the Mother/Daughter Interview: Healthy Conversations About Sex
Book Review: Celebrate Your Body, (and its changes too!)
A puberty book with a body-positive focus for girls ages 8+
There is a lot to like about this puberty book for girls that celebrates bodies and their changes too! Sonja Renee Taylor, founder of The Body Is Not An Apology, brings her commitment to radical self-love and body empowerment to this guide designed for girls ages 8+
As with any book on puberty, think of this guide as one option in your tool kit to open conversations with your daughter. I like Taylor’s tone of positive celebration over changing bodies as well as the book’s inclusivity of bodies that are all shapes, sizes and colors. It is simply illustrated, and uses very simple language. I appreciated the repeated emphasis on seeking out a trusted adult to talk, so important for girls to hear early and often!
Chapter themes include: bodies and their changes, anatomy basics, periods, breasts & bras, feelings & friends, and healthy lifestyle and nutrition. This book also offers print and online resources by chapter topic in the back of the book as well as a glossary and index.
My resource 6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child will give you some quick guidelines as you get started sharing books with your child. And if your child is starting sex ed at school soon, here are my Ten Tips for Parents to help you navigate healthy conversations in your home.
Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.
6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child
Using books can jump-start conversations with your child.
Using books can jump start conversations with your child.
Read the book before sharing it with your child. Understand what content is there.
Especially with younger child, reading the book together may be the way to go. This will allow you to filter information, give alternate language and answer immediate questions as you read.
Feel the freedom to read parts of a book together at one point and leave other parts for later. There may be parts you want to leave out altogether.
If you give your child a book, HAND it to them. Please don’t just leave it for them to randomly find. You want to communicate your comfort and availability in being their primary source of sex education.
Follow up so that you can answer questions and initiate discussion. Even if they do not come to you and ask--YOU initiate follow up conversation.
No book is perfect. No parent is perfect. We are not trying for perfect. Our goal is to do the very best we can to give the right information at the right time.
Learn more:
Letter to parents
Conversations starters for parenting partners
My child is starting sex ed at school. Send help!
Why Sex-Ed Really Matters
Mother/Daughter Interview
Less Shame. More Sex Ed
Childhood sexual abuse prevention: 2 tools for parents
4 Questions For Parents As They Talk About Sexual Health With Kids
Feel more prepared to navigate your role as your child's sexual health educator.
When I am teaching parent workshops, I encourage parents to think through their own feelings about sex and sexuality. Your past experiences, and your own sexual health education you received growing up - do influence how you parent your own child and their sexual health.
It’s important for parents to do some personal investigation and reflection into this. And, if you are parenting with a partner, take some time to discuss together how you will approach sexual health with your own child. These ongoing conversations will help you feel more prepared as you navigate your role as your child's sexual health educator.
Here are 4 questions to get you started:
What influenced you as a child growing up in regard to sexual health?
What is your comfort level in talking out loud about bodies and sexual health topics?
What are your feelings and thoughts about nakedness in your home?
What education do you have or still need to teach your child their sexual anatomy?
Learn more about these topics:
Letter of encouragement to parents.
My child is starting sex ed at school. Help!
Tips for using sexual health themed books with your child.
Why Sex-Ed Really Matters
Mother/Daughter Interview: Healthy Conversations About Sex
Female anatomy 101
Parents: You Can Be Your Child's Sexual Health Educator
Your home is the ideal place for your children to learn about their body, sexuality, relationships, consent and ALL things related to their sexual health. Parents you can be your child’s sex educator!
Parents: You can be your child’s primary sexual health educator!
Children desperately need adults that can talk to them openly about their bodies, sexuality, puberty and sex. So often, parents feel unsure, uncomfortable and unprepared to open these conversations, so they remain ... silent.
Silence is the enemy of sex education!
Research shows that children are primarily influenced by their parents. So, it is imperative that parents educate themselves ahead of time and be prepared to talk to their children about these important topics, as well as be the one their child seeks out with their questions and concerns...uncomfortable or not!
From babyhood, boys and girls need to understand the names for their sexual body parts. By that I do not mean, “your woo-woo, or wee-wee” -- I mean PENIS and VAGINA and VULVA. It is important for genitals to be named in the same matter-of-fact manner as other body parts, not associated with nicknames or snickering or attitudes that shame. For example: this is your leg, this is your nose, and this is your penis. This is your elbow, this is your vulva, and you pee out of your urethra. Young children also need to hear often that their body is unique to them. That no two bodies are alike! It is crucial that they understand from the get go that all bodies are different and differences are beautiful and normal. The comparisons begin at an early age and young children need a solid base of body self-acceptance before the puberty years ahead.
By starting early and often, these conversations become a natural part of daily life.
One of the most vital roles parents can play is to be their child’s primary source of information and education on matters surrounding sexuality and sex. It is imperative to communicate that you are open to ANY question asked. That nothing is off limits. Children need to be assured that if a parent does not know the answer, they will find out for them, and get back to them. AND THEN DO IT! Today’s child has easy access to the Internet and if you will not answer their questions, they will either Google for the answer, ask their peers (who knows what they know) or view pornography to gather information. So many kids today when asked, say that their primary source of sex education is from pornography. There are so many mixed messages for children in our culture today; it is crucial that parents help their child navigate the confusion. You can do this by playing an active role in providing accurate information and being available. You can do this by consistently affirming what is normal and natural.
As your child asks questions, learn to really listen for what is being asked. A good first response might be, “Wow! What a great question, what made you think of that?” to allow the child to give context to what they truly want to know.
The key here is giving the right information at the right time.
So, don’t be afraid to take that pause after a difficult question posed, and with your game face on, ask that additional context question before you answer. Another idea is to give a little bit of information and wait to see if that is all they really want to know or if you should add a bit more. If your child isn’t asking any questions, take the initiative and ask questions yourself. An easy way to jumpstart a conversation is to use things you encounter together. For example: a breastfeeding mother; a new baby, or a pregnant woman. With an elementary age child you might ask something like, “I know kids at school are probably talking about sex. Are you hearing things you have questions about?” or “When I was your age, I had questions about…. (pubic hair or breasts or where babies come from), have you ever thought about that?”
Ideally, it is best if these kinds conversations start at an early age and occur often as a normal part of your family conversations. However, it is never too late to start being available and opening the doors to talking about sexuality and sex. No matter the age of your child, take the initiative and break the silence!
4 questions for parents to discuss
My child is starting sex ed - send help!
Childhood sexual abuse prevention: 2 tools for parents
6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child
Contact me to learn more about my Parent workshops!
Book Review: The Period Book by: Karen + Jennifer Gravelle
This little paperback has solid information, is easy to read and can be a worthwhile option in your family library.
Honestly, I have yet to find the “perfect” book for younger-aged girls. I am still looking, so stay tuned. I do think this little paperback has solid information, is easy to read and can be a worthwhile option in your family library.
With simple illustrations and easy to understand language, it covers puberty and periods. The author also covers the first gynecological visit and the very basics about sex and pregnancy. I especially like the question/answer chapter with questions many young girls ask concerning “Is this normal?” Parents, please understand how often that very question is what needs to be addressed from the get-go. Girls need to first understand what is normal. Secondly, girls need to be affirmed over and over that they are normal!
What I often hear from parents is that they don’t want their child to have ALL the information they see in one book. For example, you may not feel your third grader needs to hear about a first gynecological visit until later (as with this book). So I encourage you to check out my blog 6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child before you move forward buying and sharing books with your child.
*Note: The Period Book has been around a long time. It was updated last year, and the newer edition includes some additional topics. The picture posted is the original book. It is available at most libraries, which allows you to look through it and decide if it is a good fit for you and your child.
Book Review: I am Confident, Brave & Beautiful by Hopscotch Girls
I have always been a fan of coloring for kids and adults alike, and I am even more of a fan of confidence-builders for girls!
I am Confident, Brave & Beautiful: A Coloring Book For Girls is a coloring book of positive affirmations is designed for girls ages 3 to 8, but certainly can be used by girls a bit older. I have always been a fan of coloring for kids and adults alike, and I am even more of a fan of confidence-builders for girls!
This book was designed by Hopscotch Girls, a company dedicated to empowering girls through strong female role models, inspiring confidence, and providing messaging about healthy body image. I used to buy their magazine back in the day for my own young daughters.
Some example pages include: “I am Strong,” “I am Curious, “I am Kind.” YES! YES! YES!
This is great gift idea for any little girl in your life. It can also be used as a parent/child project, or for girls to color and give pages away to their friends with a hug or fist pump.