My Child Is Starting Sex Ed - Send HELP!
Here are 10 tips to help parents talk to their child about sex education.
Ideally, sexual health conversations have already been happening in your home since your child was a toddler. If not, it is not too late. Take a deep breath, you have what it takes to talk to your child about sexual health topics. I am here to cheer you on.
First, let me say that most school-based sex education is woefully inadequate and certainly not comprehensive. It isn’t even medically accurate in most states, nor required to be by law. Pleasure is rarely, if ever, a part of the discussion and certainly must be. I could go on and on. Therefore, you as a parent play a critical role in your child’s education about sexual health.
The good news is – you don’t have to know all the answers! You don’t have to teach kids everything at once. In fact, it is best to have one conversation at a time. One question at a time. And one short topical discussion at a time. You can do this!
10 TIPS FOR PARENTS
Let your child know that they will be having sex ed classes at school and when it will happen. Do not let it be a surprise to them. Giving them a heads up is good preparation and may help to open the doors to potential conversations with them ahead of the class, and in the future.
Reinforce to your child that you want to talk about what they hear and learn. Show interest, just as you would over their other classes in school. Follow up and then follow up again.
Be honest, tell them that it might be uncomfortable for them, their friends, and even parents - to talk about bodies and sex. Feeling uncomfortable is normal! And it is important and healthy to talk about bodies and sex. You might even apologize if you’ve never brought up the topics before. Reiterate your desire to do so moving forward.
Parents can be given access to the curriculum ahead of time. Ask for it if this is important to you. Use it to jump start conversations at home ahead of the classes. The more context your child has, the better they will be able to understand and sift through what they learn.
Ask questions about what they hear in the class. A good time to do this is while driving or walking the dog around the block – preferably not while sitting at the table face to face with each other (at least at first).
To follow up, ask questions initially as well as after some time has passed. For example, initiate a conversation such as, “I was thinking more about the sex ed class you had a school and wondered if they talked about _____,” or “Remember the sex ed class at school, did they bring up pleasure and sex at all? It is an important part of sex and I want to talk to you about that.”
Remind your child that you are available. Remind them often. Encourage your child to ask you their questions. Assure them that if you don’t know the answer, you will find out and get back to them. And then get back to them!
Encourage your child to not use Google as their way of finding out sexual health information and education. Clearly explain that googling will often bring up results that are inappropriate for them at this age. This may lead nicely into a conversation about pornography and media literacy. Communicate that you are available to help them get the information that they want.
Open a discussion about pornography if you haven’t done so already. Talk about what it is, what it isn’t, what to do if they come upon it or are introduced to it by someone else. Ask them in a non-judgmental manner what they have seen or if they have seen images. Reinforce what is healthy and unhealthy within the boundaries of your family values.
Ask if they would like a book or books to read on their own or together to get more information. Please do not just leave them a book to read with no discussion. Another idea is to investigate educational websites to direct them to or to learn from together.
CHEERING YOU ON!
FOR MORE ON THIS TOPIC, CHECK OUT THESE LINKS:
Book a parent workshop with some friends.
Childhood Sexual Abuse Prevention: 2 Tools For Parents
Start with teaching correct names for body parts, then use these 2 tools.
We all want to keep children safe from sexual abuse. While there is no foolproof way to protect them, there are some tools to help reduce the risk. The one to start with?
Teach your child the correct names for their genitals and body parts.
Children who know the correct names for their body parts are better able to tell you when something is wrong.
As your child gains language, move toward the two tools below. These give parents and caregivers tangible ways to direct kids with words as well as action steps when they are in an uncomfortable or unsafe situation. This needs to be an ongoing conversation with your child - not a one time discussion!
IT IS IMPORTANT TO BRING THIS TOPIC UP REGULARLY.
Ask questions, role play, and provide opportunities for your child to talk about how to handle potential situations with you. Communicate often to your child that they can come to you with any concerns or questions.
Start with the 3 simple words for young children. Then, add the easy to remember acronym from NSPCC (which they call PANTS), as your child approaches school age.
FOR YOUNG CHILDREN
NO - use your voice and say no!
GO - use your feet and go.
TELL - use your mouth and tell a trusted adult.
AS CHILDREN APPROACH SCHOOL AGE
Privates are Private
Always remember your body belongs to you
No means no
Talk about secrets that upset you
Speak up, someone can help
Learn more:
These tips are a part of my parent workshop. Book a workshop with a few friends!
Read my letter of encouragement to parents.
Read my conversations starters for parents.
6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child.
Listen to the Permission for Pleasure Podcast: Why Sex-Ed Really Matters and the Mother/Daughter Interview: Healthy Conversations About Sex
Book review: Girls & Sex, Boys & Sex, by Peggy Orenstein
When parents of teens and young adults ask me what I recommend they read to grasp some understanding of the sexual culture of today, Peggy Orenstein’s books: Girls & Sex and Boys & Sex top my list.
When parents of teens and young adults ask me what I recommend they read to grasp some understanding of the sexual culture of today - Orenstein’s books top my list. She dives into the lives of young people and shares first hand interviews she conducted. These conversations will give you much needed insight into the sexual development of young men and the complicated sexual landscape for girls. You’ll hear all about what young people are thinking, feeling and navigating in their lives and sexual health.
To be frank, these books are not “easy” reads.
What they are is honest, sometimes surprising, and often heartbreaking. They are also important reading for those who care about the next generation and want to be more aware of the struggles and challenges that young people face in today’s sexual health landscape. Best-selling author and journalist Peggy Orenstein is a good and compassionate guide for you through her writing.
I find that most parents really do want to be supportive and prepare their children with information and tools to navigate their sexual health journey. I also find that sometimes parents have blinders on about their kids and sex, or they are simply unaware of the realities their children are facing.
These books can help to provide you with powerful insights that may assist you to open the door to healthy conversations about sexual health with the boys and girls in your life.
Conversations that matter!
Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, these are books that I recommend fully and have read myself.
Listen: 'Survival Guide for Talking to Your Kids About Sex'
Listen in on this conversation loaded with tips and strategies for parents on talking to your kids about sex. I was delighted to be a guest on the Confessions of a Super Mom Wannabe podcast with Kristen Wheeler.
I recently had the pleasure of being a guest on the 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐒𝐮𝐩𝐞𝐫 𝐌𝐨𝐦 𝗪𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐚𝐛𝐞 Podcast, where I share lots of 𝐭𝐢𝐩𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐞𝐬 for parents with Kristen Wheeler.
"Cindy gives us a survival guide for how to talk to our kids about this subject that can feel scary, overwhelming, and awkward...
She helps us be prepared for the 𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 that will come,
how to 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐨𝐥𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐝 not to shy away from them, and
the HUGE favor we can do for our daughters by 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐱 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞."
Find it at the links below:
