Articles about sex and relationships to increase your pleasure and intimacy
This is a round up of the most popular articles and blogs about sex and relationships with my newsletter community in recent months. I curate sex education, so that you can increase your pleasure and intimacy! Sign up to join our community.
This is a round up of some recent articles and my blogs about sex and relationships to increase your pleasure and intimacy. These were the most popular with my newsletter community over the past several months and there is a little something for everyone!
*If you enjoy curated sex education like this, I want to invite you sign up HERE for my monthly newsletter where articles like these come straight to your inbox.
For women
10 Ways to Orgasm, That You Haven’t Thought of, According to Sex Therapists
Written for The Everygirl by Jose Santi, you might be surprised at a few of these. Often they aren't on your usual radar. Here's three examples: Building Sensuality Outside of the Bedroom, Don't Over-Hype the Climax and Explore Blended Orgasms.
Why Vibrators Work for Women and How To Choose One
By far one of my most popular blogs to date. There is a lot of stigma around sex toys, but the reality is they don’t have to be scary or overwhelming. And they certainly aren’t bad or taboo! Included are how to introduce a vibrator with a partner, choosing one that’s right for you and recommendations.
Are There Different Kinds of Orgasms?
Are there really different types of female orgasms? Is one type better than another? My blog answers these frequently asked questions, and more — about clitoral, G-spot, A-spot, blended, and uterine orgasms. What's true and what isn't, and why pleasure is the best focus!
For Couples
11 Sexual Penetration Techniques To Insert Into Your Pleasure Routine
Written by Mary Grace Garis for WellandGood, this article walks you through "specific techniques that feature the winning combination of penetration and clitoral stimulation." It includes simple drawings to demonstrate each technique from OMGyes.com, a "sexual-education platform that uses research and real experiences to help vulva-owners maximize their pleasure.” YES to that!!
9 Ways To Use Your Hands During Sex That’ll Make You & Your Partner Feel So Good
This article offers some specific tips for using your hands as tools for pleasure. Written by Rachel Shatto for Elite Daily, the article breaks down ideas for him (create a tunnel of love), and her (knuckles are the new fingertips), to let your fingers do the talking!!
ONE For my over age 50 crowd
Redefining Sex After 50
A great article by Stephanie Auteri for The Buzz by Pure Romance. "We know that, as we grow older, things naturally change...Why, then, are so many of us resistant to adapting to the changes that can happen in the bedroom?" This article is honest talk about how to redefine sex as we age!!
Erectile Changes vs Erectile Dysfunction
For men, erection changes are normal as they move into middle age and beyond. Just because you experience changes as you age, does not necessarily mean you have erectile dysfunction. Giving up on sex isn’t the answer!
Most people are aware that women experience sexual health changes with midlife and menopause, but are not so aware that men experience changes with midlife and aging as well.
For men, erection changes are normal as they move into middle age and beyond.
Many people assume the source of the changes is the condition called erectile dysfunction that they get regularly exposed to through the seemingly endless number of ads and commercials on TV and radio for medications to address it.
Just because you experience 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘴 as you age, does not necessarily mean you have erectile dysfunction.
Normal changes that might occur with aging:
You don't become erect as quickly
You don't become erect with fantasy alone
To become erect, you need direct stimulation
Erections may not feel as firm
Erections may droop from minor distractions
It takes longer to get an erection again after orgasm/ejaculation
The changes above are symptomatic of the lesser known term erectile dissatisfaction. (dissatisfaction being the result of a man comparing his current erections to those when he was younger, and feeling his erections aren't quite the same)
Strictly speaking, true erectile dysfunction is the inability to get and keep an erection firm enough for sex. Perhaps an easier way to think about it is the inability to get and keep an erection despite vigorous and persistent stimulation.
If you are experiencing erectile changes, now is the time to get proactive by educating yourself about why the changes occur and what options are available to help.
Giving up on sex is not the answer!
Have an honest conversation with yourself first and acknowledge what is going on. Then, open up a discussion with your partner about the changes. See if the two of you can figure out ways to adapt your sex life to the changes.
Here are a few initial adjustments to consider if you are experiencing erectile dissatisfaction:
Keep your head in the game (!) - stay mentally focused and present
Plan for sex before big meals and alcohol consumption not afterwards (keep the blood flow going to your genitals, not your digestive system)
Timing - morning or afternoon sex instead of evening or night hours (you have more energy and testosterone levels are highest in the morning)
Try exercising before sex to increase blood flow to your genitals for faster arousal
Reframe penis-centered sex, focus less on your penis and more on full body pleasure
Keep performance anxiety in check - erection changes do not equal sexual failure
Have an agreed upon plan in place if you lose your erection during sex - such as we’ll use a toy, or switch to oral or manual stimulation
Recognize that your refractory period (simply your recovery times between orgasm/ejaculation and your next erection) lengthens as you age. Take this into account and refrain from masturbating 12-24 hours before partnered sex. Scheduling sex can be helpful in managing this.
Outside of the normal changes with aging, there are many factors that can contribute to, or cause difficulties with erectile function. Though not an exhaustive list, below are some of the potential contributors that need to be considered.
POSSIBLE CAUSES OF erectile issues for men:
Stress
Anxiety
Fatigue
Excessive alcohol use
Smoking
Decline in testosterone or testosterone deficiency
Conflict in the relationship
Performance anxiety
Medications (for example: diuretics, antihistamines, blood-pressure meds, antidepressants, or treatments for cancer)
Underlying health conditions such as: cardiovascular disease, diabetes, MS, Parkinson’s, clogged blood vessels, high cholesterol
Thyroid function
Treatments for prostate cancer
Sometimes a combination of physical and psychological issues causes dysfunction
As you can see by the length of the list above, that it may be worth scheduling a visit with your healthcare provider to help determine if any of the issues (or others) are affecting your erectile functioning. Also, it’s important to understand that this same list can possibly be affecting your sexual desire as well. If opening these kinds of conversations feels daunting, read my talking points to have a game plan in place before you see your healthcare provider.
Erectile issues are a big and sometimes complicated topic. This short blog is just the tip of the iceberg. There is much more to discuss regarding options, medications, and devices available for erectile dissatisfaction and/or erectile dysfunction. My hope is after reading here, you will open this important conversation with yourself, your partner and your medical provider.
Men, you are not alone in this.
As freaked out as you might feel about your penis not doing what it used to, these changes do not make you less of a man or require retirement from sex! Get educated, talk to your partner, make adjustments and schedule an appointment with your healthcare provider for a check up.
More on this topic:
How Toxic Masculinity Can Invade Your Sex Life
Men and Sex
Misconceptions Men Believe About Sex
Midlife and Beyond
Book Review: Naked at Our Age, Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex
This book is a solid resource for my over 50 crowd. As the author points out, “wrinkles and decades of birthdays are no deterrent to hot sex.”
This book is a solid resource for my over 50 crowd. As the author points out, “wrinkles and decades of birthdays are no deterrent to hot sex.”
Joan Price, calls herself an "advocate for ageless sexuality” and she does a great job of talking out loud about senior sex! The approach is honest and no nonsense in addressing both the challenges and joys of pursing love and sex in the second half of life.
NAKED AT OUR AGE READS A LOT LIKE A QUESTION & ANSWER WORKSHOP.
Men and women from all walks of life candidly ask their questions and tell their stories about sex. Then, the author, along with a wide range of experts, gives their answers, tips and advice. It is very easy to read and has a good index to search for specific topics.
Covering both physical and emotional topics, it addresses relationship issues as well as common health concerns and includes a lot of tangible ideas for sexuality in your 50’s and beyond.
(Do you see all my stickies in the photo? There are some gems in this book!!)
There are 20 chapters, here are a few examples: Reviving Desire, Sex With Myself, Reclaiming Sexuality After Cancer, Erectile Dysfunction (2 chapters), and The Old Ways Don't Do It Anymore.
Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.
All About Lube
Adding a personal lubricant into your sex life is not just for when you need a little “extra,” but can enhance your sexual activity and make it feel “extra!”
Picture going down a water slide without enough water … It is not comfortable, or fun! Adequate water is needed for the slide to be slippery and cut down on the friction between it - and you! Lubrication is a lot like that.
Whatever you have heard and believed about sex, women and lubrication – throw it out the window and let’s start fresh with the basics. Sex can involve your body parts rubbing or moving against another surface or partner’s body parts. This results in friction. When there is too much friction it can cause discomfort, micro-tears of the skin, or pain. Adequate lubrication reduces the friction.
Reducing friction can also increase pleasure.
This means that adding a personal lubricant into your sex life is not just for when your body needs more moisture to avoid discomfort, but it can also make the sex you’re having slicker, longer lasting and more enjoyable. It can be an enhancement for your sexual activity.
Before you read further, let’s be clear - the cultural myth that a woman getting “wet” is the indicator that she is turned on and aroused is simply not evidenced-based. The best indicator to determine if a woman is aroused is - listening to her words - letting you know she is. Also, a lack of lubrication does not indicate a lack of arousal or desire for sex. These two facts are important for you and a partner to understand.
Lubrication is part of the sexual response cycle.
With arousal, there is increased blood flow to the genitals which begins the lubrication process. Women are all different, but typically need 11-20+ minutes of warming up activities (foreplay) to reach full arousal. A woman’s lubrication can vary day to day and from partner to partner. Women naturally lubricate in varying amounts.
Experiencing times of vaginal dryness is not an “old lady” issue.
There are many reasons why any woman of any age might not produce sufficient vaginal lubrication to allow for pleasurable sex. It may occur on and off in a woman’s life or it may be the nature of the way your individual body works all of the time. Certainly, a woman’s hormonal shifts in life can be a significant factor.
It is normal to experience times of increased dryness after birthing a baby or while breastfeeding. It is well known and documented that menopausal changes and aging can result in vaginal dryness and lack of lubrication. Other factors can affect lubrication as well. Stress, alcohol, medication side effects, dehydration, and skin irritation are a few known culprits.
Touching your genitals when they are dry, is not usually pleasurable!
So, whether for solo play and exploration or for partnered sex, lube is a good thing to have on hand. For the times you and your partner may be having a quickie - lube is most certainly recommended due to the decrease in time for arousal.
Despite what you may have seen on TV or in movies - saliva is not good lube. It isn’t slippery and has no staying power because it evaporates quickly. It can also transmit STI’s and unwanted bacteria from one partner to another.
Using lube with protective barriers like condoms is highly encouraged. It decreases friction that can cause discomfort as well as reduces condom breakage. Pick a lube based on its compatibility with the type of condoms you regularly use. Additionally, a good lubricant is essential for anal play or anal sex. The anus does not self-lubricate at all and penetration of any kind without lube can result in tissue trauma and pain.
BASIC categories of lube:
It is best to think through each type and possibly try a few to determine what will work best for you and your partner. I highly recommend you test out the lube on skin other than your vulva or vagina first to determine any sensitivity. The underside of your arm works well, dab some on there and wait a day to see if you tolerate the lube without irritation. Always check labels, the fewer ingredients - the better.
Silicone based lube:
Generally well-tolerated, non-irritating, and unlikely to cause allergic reactions. Safe to use with condoms. Not usually compatible to use with silicone toys. A little goes a long way, slippery not runny, and stays where you put it. Long lasting, and doesn’t evaporate. Suggestion: Uberlube.
Water-based lube:
Thinner consistency and dries up quickly which may require reapplication. Often a good choice for those with sensitive skin. Check ingredients and steer clear of parabens, fragrances and glycerin. Easy cleanup. Safe with latex condoms and silicone toys. Suggestions: Coconu, Good Clean Love Almost Naked, Okanagan Joy.
Oil based lube:
Thicker consistency and can play multiple roles as a friction reducer as well as great for skin-on-skin contact and sensual massage. Be careful with ingredients - may cause irritation/infection in some women. Not safe with latex condoms. Suggestion: Coconu
Food Oils:
None are recommended for vaginal lubrication. Though many people tell me they use coconut oil with good results and no ill effects. Food oils can speed up growth of bacteria and yeast in the vagina. They don’t flush out of your system easily. Oil causes condom breakage - do not use with condoms. Suggestion: Coconut oil
Petroleum-based lubricants (Vaseline, mineral oil)
These products should not be used internally and are not recommended. They can irritate and promote bacterial growth that can lead to infections. Never use with condoms or other latex barriers because they cause breakage.
More Options:
Hybrid lubes: a mix of water based with some silicone that provides a longer-lasting benefit with easier clean up. Suggestion: Good Clean Love
Lubes infused with CBD or hemp. Suggestions: Coconu, Foria, GoLove
Edible or flavored lubes
To try UberLube use code CINDY for 15% off
To try Coconu use my affiliate link and code Pleasure for 15% off
To try Okanagan Joy use my discount code CINDY15
*AFFILIATE LINKS AND RECOMMENDATIONS: I may earn a small commission when readers purchase products through my affiliate links. This doesn't affect which products are included. I choose products carefully, and anything I recommend on my website is recommended for its quality, performance, and overall reputation, regardless of any affiliate relationship.
