Book Review: Yes, Your Kid by Debby Herbenick, PhD
There are some stark differences in the sexual lives of modern teenagers and young adults. Parents need to know about this sexual landscape in order to help their kids navigate it.
When I asked Debby Herbenick why she wrote this book. She said, “Parents need an update!”
As a parent, sex educator and researcher, Herbenick says that, “Most of the sex education books for parents were written in the before times.” Not only were they written before current social media, but also before the internet as it is today with widely accessible pornography. There are some stark differences in the sexual lives of modern teenagers and young adults, and parents need to know about this sexual landscape in order to help their kids navigate it.
This book provides parents education around topics such as: taking and sharing sexual images, sexting, birth control, anal sex, pornography, STI’s and even includes a packing list for your college student. I appreciated the author’s detailed research and statistics, as well as her practical tips on talking to different aged children appropriately. Also included are some role play scenarios for parents to demonstrate how they can respond to questions and keep the doors open for further conversations with their kids.
The rise and mainstreaming of rough sex is one of the most profound changes that Herbenick wants parents to know about. I was so compelled by what she wrote in the book that I invited her to be a guest on the podcast. As she says in the book, “Today’s version of rough sex is different than you may think—more aggressive and riskier, and often with little or no communication between partners.” Listen in to hear us talk more about this topic (especially choking) in episode 91 that drops July 10th.
If you are a parent of a tween, teen or young adult, I highly recommend this book as an excellent resource.
Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.
Childhood Sexual Abuse Prevention: 2 Tools For Parents
Start with teaching correct names for body parts, then use these 2 tools.
We all want to keep children safe from sexual abuse. While there is no foolproof way to protect them, there are some tools to help reduce the risk. The one to start with?
Teach your child the correct names for their genitals and body parts.
Children who know the correct names for their body parts are better able to tell you when something is wrong.
As your child gains language, move toward the two tools below. These give parents and caregivers tangible ways to direct kids with words as well as action steps when they are in an uncomfortable or unsafe situation. This needs to be an ongoing conversation with your child - not a one time discussion!
IT IS IMPORTANT TO BRING THIS TOPIC UP REGULARLY.
Ask questions, role play, and provide opportunities for your child to talk about how to handle potential situations with you. Communicate often to your child that they can come to you with any concerns or questions.
Start with the 3 simple words for young children. Then, add the easy to remember acronym from NSPCC (which they call PANTS), as your child approaches school age.
FOR YOUNG CHILDREN
NO - use your voice and say no!
GO - use your feet and go.
TELL - use your mouth and tell a trusted adult.
AS CHILDREN APPROACH SCHOOL AGE
Privates are Private
Always remember your body belongs to you
No means no
Talk about secrets that upset you
Speak up, someone can help
Learn more:
These tips are a part of my parent workshop. Book a workshop with a few friends!
Read my letter of encouragement to parents.
Read my conversations starters for parents.
6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child.
Listen to the Permission for Pleasure Podcast: Why Sex-Ed Really Matters and the Mother/Daughter Interview: Healthy Conversations About Sex
4 Questions For Parents As They Talk About Sexual Health With Kids
Feel more prepared to navigate your role as your child's sexual health educator.
When I am teaching parent workshops, I encourage parents to think through their own feelings about sex and sexuality. Your past experiences, and your own sexual health education you received growing up - do influence how you parent your own child and their sexual health.
It’s important for parents to do some personal investigation and reflection into this. And, if you are parenting with a partner, take some time to discuss together how you will approach sexual health with your own child. These ongoing conversations will help you feel more prepared as you navigate your role as your child's sexual health educator.
Here are 4 questions to get you started:
What influenced you as a child growing up in regard to sexual health?
What is your comfort level in talking out loud about bodies and sexual health topics?
What are your feelings and thoughts about nakedness in your home?
What education do you have or still need to teach your child their sexual anatomy?
Learn more about these topics:
Letter of encouragement to parents.
My child is starting sex ed at school. Help!
Tips for using sexual health themed books with your child.
Why Sex-Ed Really Matters
Mother/Daughter Interview: Healthy Conversations About Sex
Female anatomy 101