My Child Is Starting Sex Ed - Send HELP!
Here are 10 tips to help parents talk to their child about sex education.
Ideally, sexual health conversations have already been happening in your home since your child was a toddler. If not, it is not too late. Take a deep breath, you have what it takes to talk to your child about sexual health topics. I am here to cheer you on.
First, let me say that most school-based sex education is woefully inadequate and certainly not comprehensive. It isn’t even medically accurate in most states, nor required to be by law. Pleasure is rarely, if ever, a part of the discussion and certainly must be. I could go on and on. Therefore, you as a parent play a critical role in your child’s education about sexual health.
The good news is – you don’t have to know all the answers! You don’t have to teach kids everything at once. In fact, it is best to have one conversation at a time. One question at a time. And one short topical discussion at a time. You can do this!
10 TIPS FOR PARENTS
Let your child know that they will be having sex ed classes at school and when it will happen. Do not let it be a surprise to them. Giving them a heads up is good preparation and may help to open the doors to potential conversations with them ahead of the class, and in the future.
Reinforce to your child that you want to talk about what they hear and learn. Show interest, just as you would over their other classes in school. Follow up and then follow up again.
Be honest, tell them that it might be uncomfortable for them, their friends, and even parents - to talk about bodies and sex. Feeling uncomfortable is normal! And it is important and healthy to talk about bodies and sex. You might even apologize if you’ve never brought up the topics before. Reiterate your desire to do so moving forward.
Parents can be given access to the curriculum ahead of time. Ask for it if this is important to you. Use it to jump start conversations at home ahead of the classes. The more context your child has, the better they will be able to understand and sift through what they learn.
Ask questions about what they hear in the class. A good time to do this is while driving or walking the dog around the block – preferably not while sitting at the table face to face with each other (at least at first).
To follow up, ask questions initially as well as after some time has passed. For example, initiate a conversation such as, “I was thinking more about the sex ed class you had a school and wondered if they talked about _____,” or “Remember the sex ed class at school, did they bring up pleasure and sex at all? It is an important part of sex and I want to talk to you about that.”
Remind your child that you are available. Remind them often. Encourage your child to ask you their questions. Assure them that if you don’t know the answer, you will find out and get back to them. And then get back to them!
Encourage your child to not use Google as their way of finding out sexual health information and education. Clearly explain that googling will often bring up results that are inappropriate for them at this age. This may lead nicely into a conversation about pornography and media literacy. Communicate that you are available to help them get the information that they want.
Open a discussion about pornography if you haven’t done so already. Talk about what it is, what it isn’t, what to do if they come upon it or are introduced to it by someone else. Ask them in a non-judgmental manner what they have seen or if they have seen images. Reinforce what is healthy and unhealthy within the boundaries of your family values.
Ask if they would like a book or books to read on their own or together to get more information. Please do not just leave them a book to read with no discussion. Another idea is to investigate educational websites to direct them to or to learn from together.
CHEERING YOU ON!
FOR MORE ON THIS TOPIC, CHECK OUT THESE LINKS:
Book a parent workshop with some friends.
Talking with a partner about sex
Good communication is one of the keys to a nourishing relationship.
Does talking about sex feel like speaking a language you don’t know?
Good communication is one of the keys to a nourishing relationship. Talking about the topic of sex is one area where many people seriously struggle to have open conversation. Most people grow up with a lot of silence about sex and so it may be like a language you never learned.
The fact is that it is absolutely normal to have to discuss and negotiate the many facets of sex.
So while it may not always be comfortable or easy, it is normal and needed. Good communication and good sex go together and can lead to a lot more pleasure!
And here is the good news - talking about sex is a language you can learn! Just like any foreign language, it takes practice. The more you practice, the easier it gets.
Do these common responses sound familiar to you?
“I view a discussion about sex as threatening to myself or fear it will feel threatening to my partner, it is easier to say nothing, than to take the risk”
“ I don’t want to hurt my partner’s feelings, so I don’t speak up”
“ I believe if my partner really loves me or cares about me, they will know what I like and want.”
“ I wonder what my partner is open to trying or into but I am afraid to ask”
“ What used to work before, doesn’t work anymore, how do I tell my partner”
I hear these kind of comments often, so if they resonate with you, you are not alone!
Here are some tips that might help get you started having healthy conversations about sex.
Basic Communication Strategies and Starters
Start the conversation with something positive, “I really love it when...” Then suggest what you want, “I would enjoy more….” Follow that with a specific example, “I think it would be a turn on if we….” Then ask for their feedback, “What do you think would be fun to try?”
Begin sentences with “I” instead of “You” For example: “I’ve noticed some things about my body and how it responds during sex and I want to share that with you” instead of “You aren’t doing what my body needs to get aroused.”
To gather more information and gain understanding, Say things like “tell me more about that…” or repeat what you THINK you heard them say and clarify that you heard accurately what they were trying to communicate.
Have conversations about sex out of the bedroom (not right before or during sex) - perhaps while you are driving in the car together or taking a walk. A neutral location.
Better not to “surprise” your partner, but rather, tell them ahead you want to talk about sex and ask to set up a time to do so.
Practice what you want to say ahead of time. Think through how to communicate in a way that your partner will hear and understand. Is there an example or demonstration to make things more clear?
Tackle one topic at a time. It is better to address one thing at a time and have ongoing short conversations rather than everything all at once.
Give answer options. Sometimes this helps spark a healthy discussion when one of you wants to try something new (new position, place, toy, technique etc...) Answer options: Yes. No. Maybe or Thumbs up. Thumbs down. So-So
Start with simple vocabulary words such as: Harder ~ Softer ~ Deeper ~ Faster ~ Slower ~ Stop ~ Up ~ Down ~ Left ~ Right.
To learn more:
Read a book on sex together to help open up conversations.
Listen together to these episodes on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast:
Communication, Couples and Sex
Talking About Sex (when things aren’t great)
Want Better Sex? Ask Yourself These Questions
Sexual Communication
