24 Conversation Starters and Questions To Help You Talk About Sex With a Partner
Boost your sexual communication skills with these conversation prompts.
Current Favorites
1. What do you most enjoy about our sex life right now?
2. What do I do that really turns you on?
Let’s Do This More
3. Are there things I can do to make sex more pleasurable, fun, or satisfying for you?
4. What are some of the reasons that motivate you to have sex.
5. Is there anything you would like more of during sex?
Consistency & Variety
6. Do you enjoy having sex the same way with some consistency?
7. Do you ever wonder about adding more variety to our sex life?
8. Is there something you imagine us doing sexually that makes your heart race? (even if it isn’t something you want to do in real life)
Changing Interests
9. Is there anything you used to like sexually that has changed for you or no longer turns you on?
10. Was there anything in the past that you were not interested in, that you’re now curious about?
11. How do you feel about the amount of affection we show each other outside of sex? Would you like to see it change? Physically, verbally or in other ways?
Frequency
12. Is there anything you would change about how often we have sex?
13. How often would you ideally like to have sex?
14. How do you feel about scheduling a sex date?
Inviting Intimacy & Play
15. What is something we can do with our bedroom space that would invite more intimacy?
16. Could we play more in the bedroom?
17. What is something that sounds playful or fun to you that we could try?
Senses & Sensual Touch
18. What parts of your body would you like me to touch more?
19. Which of your 5 senses is the most sensitive?
20. How has the way you experience sex in your body changed in the last few years?
21. What are some of my body parts that you find sexy?
Initiation
22. What is your favorite way for me to initiate sex?
23. When you initiate sex and I say no, what feelings come up for you?
24. How would you like me to say no, or not now, when you initiate sex, and I don’t want to?
Pleasurable Touch Exercise
Communicate to your partner how and where you enjoy being touched.
PLEASURABLE TOUCH
Often, we give touch the way we want to receive it. Our partner may enjoy touch differently than we do since everyone does not receive touch the same way.
It is important to communicate to your partner how and where you enjoy being touched.
Also, it is important to ask your partner how and where they enjoy being touched.
If you know each other extremely well, the exercise below may play out differently than if you are new to each other. Either way - have fun, listen well, communicate honestly and enjoy intentionally giving and receiving touch with each other.
This is a wonderful exercise to do regularly as a couple. We change, and pleasure in how we receive touch can also change.
TOUCHING SESSION
Take turns touching each other’s bodies all over
Start at the feet or head, and then move over the whole body, everywhere but the genitals
Tell each other how and where touch is most pleasurable for you
Listen and take note of what your partner says
Use a simple rating system that feels comfortable for you to communicate levels of pleasure
0-5 (0 = doesn’t really do anything for me, 5 = that’s my favorite)
Humming or murmuring quietly to loudly
Simply saying yes, no or maybe
Fun options
Use massage oil or a massage candle for the touch session (check out products from Maude use code CINDY10 and Coconu use code PLEASURE)
Blindfold the partner receiving touch
At another time, use the information you gathered here first to touch your partner in all the places they find pleasurable and then include the genitals
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Talking with a partner about sex
Good communication is one of the keys to a nourishing relationship.
Does talking about sex feel like speaking a language you don’t know?
Good communication is one of the keys to a nourishing relationship. Talking about the topic of sex is one area where many people seriously struggle to have open conversation. Most people grow up with a lot of silence about sex and so it may be like a language you never learned.
The fact is that it is absolutely normal to have to discuss and negotiate the many facets of sex.
So while it may not always be comfortable or easy, it is normal and needed. Good communication and good sex go together and can lead to a lot more pleasure!
And here is the good news - talking about sex is a language you can learn! Just like any foreign language, it takes practice. The more you practice, the easier it gets.
Do these common responses sound familiar to you?
“I view a discussion about sex as threatening to myself or fear it will feel threatening to my partner, it is easier to say nothing, than to take the risk”
“ I don’t want to hurt my partner’s feelings, so I don’t speak up”
“ I believe if my partner really loves me or cares about me, they will know what I like and want.”
“ I wonder what my partner is open to trying or into but I am afraid to ask”
“ What used to work before, doesn’t work anymore, how do I tell my partner”
I hear these kind of comments often, so if they resonate with you, you are not alone!
Here are some tips that might help get you started having healthy conversations about sex.
Basic Communication Strategies and Starters
Start the conversation with something positive, “I really love it when...” Then suggest what you want, “I would enjoy more….” Follow that with a specific example, “I think it would be a turn on if we….” Then ask for their feedback, “What do you think would be fun to try?”
Begin sentences with “I” instead of “You” For example: “I’ve noticed some things about my body and how it responds during sex and I want to share that with you” instead of “You aren’t doing what my body needs to get aroused.”
To gather more information and gain understanding, Say things like “tell me more about that…” or repeat what you THINK you heard them say and clarify that you heard accurately what they were trying to communicate.
Have conversations about sex out of the bedroom (not right before or during sex) - perhaps while you are driving in the car together or taking a walk. A neutral location.
Better not to “surprise” your partner, but rather, tell them ahead you want to talk about sex and ask to set up a time to do so.
Practice what you want to say ahead of time. Think through how to communicate in a way that your partner will hear and understand. Is there an example or demonstration to make things more clear?
Tackle one topic at a time. It is better to address one thing at a time and have ongoing short conversations rather than everything all at once.
Give answer options. Sometimes this helps spark a healthy discussion when one of you wants to try something new (new position, place, toy, technique etc...) Answer options: Yes. No. Maybe or Thumbs up. Thumbs down. So-So
Start with simple vocabulary words such as: Harder ~ Softer ~ Deeper ~ Faster ~ Slower ~ Stop ~ Up ~ Down ~ Left ~ Right.
To learn more:
Read a book on sex together to help open up conversations.
Listen together to these episodes on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast:
Communication, Couples and Sex
Talking About Sex (when things aren’t great)
Want Better Sex? Ask Yourself These Questions
Sexual Communication