I receive SO many questions about orgasm, more than ANY other topic hands down. Obviously, this is an issue with a lot of confusion and misinformation for women of ALL ages. Hopefully, this blog will be a safe place for good sex education as well as affirmation that YOU ARE NOT ALONE in your questions. This will be one in a series of several blogs about the “Big O.”
Direct Questions from my sex survey:
Q). Does every woman achieve orgasm from intercourse every time?
Q). Is there a way to make it more likely for a woman to achieve orgasm while having sexual intercourse?
Q). How come I do not orgasm every time?
Fact: Every woman does NOT orgasm every sexual encounter. They are normal.
Fact: Many women say orgasm every time is not necessary for them to enjoy a satisfying sexual experience with their partner. They are normal
Fact: About 30% of women reliably orgasm with intercourse alone. They are normal
Fact: About 70% of women do NOT reliably orgasm with intercourse alone. They are normal
Fact: The overwhelming majority of women need manual/oral stimulation to the clitoris to reach orgasm. All are healthy and normal.
My new mantra is focus on PLEASURE not orgasm. Our goal driven society and culture does not translate well into our sexual lives. If you need a “goal” then make it pleasure and see if that helps you to switch up your mindset and anxiety about orgasm happening or not happening. The more anxiety around “will I” and the more pressure you feel to “get there” actually work against the process. I do really believe that orgasm is something you ALLOW to happen as a woman, as opposed to MAKE happen.
Orgasm is a series of rhythmic muscle contractions that are centered in the pelvic muscles and clitoral network. It is a reflex. It is definitely more subjective for women than for men. The experience of orgasm is unique to each individual. Orgasm also differs from experience to experience in the same woman. It can range from a pleasant wave of sensation to a mind-blowing intense whole body experience--and everything in between! Again--ALL NORMAL!
Many factors play into the process, the most crucial being the need for clitoral stimulation. To the question “is there a way to make it more likely?” the answer is to incorporate stimulation to the clitoris during intercourse. To spell it out, you or your partner needs to use your hands, or a toy or positions that directly stimulate the clitoris. Another option is to be aroused good and well before penetration of any kind. This means that your whole clitoral network is ready and WANTING so that if it continues to get enough stimulation you will allow for orgasm. Read more about the whole clitoral network (here)
Another significant factor is sufficient TIME in a lovemaking session to increase arousal thus leading to orgasm. Women’s bodies require adequate time to allow the vagina and vulva to lubricate, increase in blood flow, and soften. All of this necessary warming up is part of the whole process that leads to orgasm.
Lastly, use your brain and know yourself. Stay focused and tuned in to experiencing all the pleasurable sensations. Girls, going over your ‘to do’ list during sex is NOT staying focused :) Sex and multi-tasking do not go well together! Also, and likely most important, is to learn and know your own body and what feels good--and then to communicate that to your partner. People are not mind readers. We need to talk about sex!