Orgasm - answering your questions
Direct questions from my sex survey:
Q). Does every woman achieve orgasm from intercourse every time?
Fact: Every woman does not orgasm every sexual encounter and especially not with intercourse alone.
Q). Is there a way to make it more likely for a woman to achieve orgasm while having sexual intercourse?
Fact: About 20% of women reliably orgasm with intercourse alone.
Fact: About 80% of women do not reliably orgasm with intercourse alone.
Fact: The overwhelming majority of women need manual or oral stimulation to the clitoris to reach orgasm. Clitoral stimulation is what makes it more likely a woman will orgasm. There are four techniques women describe using to increase pleasure and orgasm with penetration.
Q). How come I do not orgasm every time?
Fact: There are numerous reasons women may not orgasm every time. It may be the context, feelings about your partner, time of the month, not the right stimulation, disruption in stimulation, distractions, mental load, stress, fatigue - just to name a few. As well, many women say orgasm every time is not necessary for them to enjoy a satisfying sexual experience with their partner.
focus on pleasure not orgasm
Our goal driven society and culture does not translate well into our sexual lives. If you need a “goal” then make it pleasure and see if that helps you to switch up your mindset and anxiety about orgasm happening or not happening. The more anxiety around “will I” and the more pressure you feel to “get there” actually work against the process.
Orgasm is something you allow to happen, as opposed to make happen.
Orgasm is a series of rhythmic muscle contractions that are centered in the pelvic muscles and clitoral network. It is a reflex. It is definitely more subjective for women than for men. The experience of orgasm is unique to each individual. Orgasm also differs from experience to experience in the same woman. It can range from a pleasant wave of sensation to a mind-blowing intense whole body experience--and everything in between! Women also describe different kinds of orgasms, as well as experiencing multiple orgasms in a single sexual experience.
All of these variations are normal.
Many factors play into the process of orgasm, the most crucial being the need for clitoral stimulation. In answer to the question above; “is there a way to make it more likely to orgasm with intercourse?” the answer is to incorporate stimulation to the clitoris during intercourse. To spell it out, you or your partner needs to use your hands, or a toy or positions that directly stimulate the clitoris. Pleasure techniques such as pairing, shallowing, rocking and angling can help. Another necessary piece to the puzzle is to be aroused good and well before penetration of any kind. This means that your whole clitoral network is ready and wanting so that if it continues to get enough stimulation you will allow for orgasm.
Another significant factor is sufficient time.
Time to increase arousal thus leading to orgasm (often referred to as foreplay). Women’s bodies require adequate time to allow the vagina and vulva to lubricate, increase in blood flow, and soften. All of this necessary warming up is part of the whole process that helps the body to allow for orgasm. The female arousal process takes more than 5 minutes! (More like 12-20min)
Lastly, use your brain and know yourself. Stay focused and tuned into experiencing all the pleasurable sensations. Going over your ‘to do’ list during sex is NOT staying focused. Sex and multi-tasking do not go well together! And most important of all, is to learn and know your own body and what feels good and brings you pleasure - and then to communicate that to your partner. Take a step toward opening the conversation. Your pleasure matters.
