Book Review: Yes, Your Kid by Debby Herbenick, PhD

When I asked Debby Herbenick why she wrote this book. She said, “Parents need an update!” 

As a parent, sex educator and researcher, Herbenick says that, “Most of the sex education books for parents were written in the before times.” Not only were they written before current social media, but also before the internet as it is today with widely accessible pornography. There are some stark differences in the sexual lives of modern teenagers and young adults, and parents need to know about this sexual landscape in order to help their kids navigate it.

This book provides parents education around topics such as: taking and sharing sexual images, sexting, birth control, anal sex, pornography, STI’s and even includes a packing list for your college student. I appreciated the author’s detailed research and statistics, as well as her practical tips on talking to different aged children appropriately. Also included are some role play scenarios for parents to demonstrate how they can respond to questions and keep the doors open for further conversations with their kids.

The rise and mainstreaming of rough sex is one of the most profound changes that Herbenick wants parents to know about. I was so compelled by what she wrote in the book that I invited her to be a guest on the podcast. As she says in the book, “Today’s version of rough sex is different than you may think—more aggressive and riskier, and often with little or no communication between partners.” Listen in to hear us talk more about this topic (especially choking) in episode 91 that drops July 10th. 

If you are a parent of a tween, teen or young adult, I highly recommend this book as an excellent resource.

Buy on Amazon

Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.

Childhood Sexual Abuse Prevention: 2 Tools For Parents

We all want to keep children safe from sexual abuse. While there is no foolproof way to protect them, there are some tools to help reduce the risk. The one to start with?

Teach your child the correct names for their genitals and body parts.

Children who know the correct names for their body parts are better able to tell you when something is wrong.

As your child gains language, move toward the two tools below. These give parents and caregivers tangible ways to direct kids with words as well as action steps when they are in an uncomfortable or unsafe situation. This needs to be an ongoing conversation with your child - not a one time discussion!

IT IS IMPORTANT TO BRING THIS TOPIC UP REGULARLY.

Ask questions, role play, and provide opportunities for your child to talk about how to handle potential situations with you. Communicate often to your child that they can come to you with any concerns or questions.

Start with the 3 simple words for young children. Then, add the easy to remember acronym from NSPCC (which they call PANTS), as your child approaches school age.

FOR YOUNG CHILDREN

NO - use your voice and say no!

GO - use your feet and go.

TELL - use your mouth and tell a trusted adult.

AS CHILDREN APPROACH SCHOOL AGE

• Privates are Private

• Always remember your body belongs to you

• No means no

• Talk about secrets that upset you

• Speak up, someone can help

Learn more:

These tips are a part of my parent workshop. Book a workshop with a few friends!

Read my letter of encouragement to parents.

Read my conversations starters for parents.

6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child.

Listen to the Permission for Pleasure Podcast: Why Sex-Ed Really Matters and the Mother/Daughter Interview: Healthy Conversations About Sex

Listen: 'Sex Postpartum' on the Mamas in Training Podcast

I was delighted to join Jessica Lorion on the Mamas in Training Podcast for a two-part series on all things Sex, Pregnancy and Postpartum.

We discuss the realities of the fourth trimester, that go far beyond the infamous 6-week mark! I encourage moms not to jump into sexual activity they do not feel ready for physically or emotionally and to remember that sex should not be painful.

One topic we talk about:

What does it mean to be touched out?

Here’s a clip from the show notes: “Especially in postpartum, our bodies can feel like baby machines. They have just been put through a major trauma and now they are being used to feed, soothe and nurture a human. It is very challenging to expect our bodies and our minds to then flip a switch and become sexual beings. Cindy shares with us the importance of “changing hats.” It is important that we take off our mother hat and give ourselves time to not be touched, so then we can put on the hat of wife/partner who wants to be desired and is desirable.” 

One of my favorite podcast interviews to date. Give it a listen via the links below.

Listen: 'Survival Guide for Talking to Your Kids About Sex'

I recently had the pleasure of being a guest on the 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐒𝐮𝐩𝐞𝐫 𝐌𝐨𝐦 𝗪𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐚𝐛𝐞 Podcast, where I share lots of 𝐭𝐢𝐩𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐞𝐬 for parents with Kristen Wheeler.
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"Cindy gives us a survival guide for how to talk to our kids about this subject that can feel scary, overwhelming, and awkward...⁣
She helps us be prepared for the 𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 that will come,⁣
how to 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐨𝐥𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐝 not to shy away from them, and⁣
the HUGE favor we can do for our daughters by 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐱 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞."⁣
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Find it at the links below:

Listen: 'The value of sex education' on The Good is in the Details podcast

I had a conversation chock-full of solid sex education with Gwendolyn Dolske and Konstantin Hatcher on the Good is in the Details Podcast. We talked about how we can better understand female pleasure, the lack of ownership women feel over their bodies, and the importance of a woman’s sexual relationship with herself. There is also good discussion about desire styles, painful sex and how to talk with a partner about sex. Lots of tips for parents on this episode as well - talking with your child about sex, how to use role play and why it’s important for a child to know the names for their genitals. A rich discussion worth your time.

Give it a listen at the links below

Gwendolyn Dolske and Konstantin Hatcher talk with sex educator, Cindy Scharkey.  What is good sex education?  How can we better understand female pleasure?  What are desire styles?  How can parents talk to their children about sex?