24 Conversation Starters and Questions To Help You Talk About Sex With a Partner

Current Favorites

1. What do you most enjoy about our sex life right now?

2. What do I do that really turns you on?

Let’s Do This More

3.  Are there things I can do to make sex more pleasurable, fun, or satisfying for you?

4. What are some of the reasons that motivate you to have sex.

5. Is there anything you would like more of during sex?

Consistency & Variety

6. Do you enjoy having sex the same way with some consistency? 

7. Do you ever wonder about adding more variety to our sex life?

8. Is there something you imagine us doing sexually that makes your heart race? (even if it isn’t something you want to do in real life)

Changing Interests

9. Is there anything you used to like sexually that has changed for you or no longer turns you on?

10. Was there anything in the past that you were not interested in, that you’re now curious about?

11. How do you feel about the amount of affection we show each other outside of sex? Would you like to see it change? Physically, verbally or in other ways? 

 
Frequency 

12. Is there anything you would change about how often we have sex?

13. How often would you ideally like to have sex?

14. How do you feel about scheduling a sex date?

 
Inviting Intimacy & Play

15. What is something we can do with our bedroom space that would invite more intimacy?

16.  Could we play more in the bedroom? 

17.  What is something that sounds playful or fun to you that we could try?

 
Senses & Sensual Touch

18. What parts of your body would you like me to touch more?

19. Which of your 5 senses is the most sensitive? 

20. How has the way you experience sex in your body changed in the last few years?

21. What are some of my body parts that you find sexy?

Initiation 

22. What is your favorite way for me to initiate sex?

23. When you initiate sex and I say no, what feelings come up for you?

24. How would you like me to say no, or not now, when you initiate sex, and I don’t want to?

When Kids Ask Questions

When your child asks you questions about sexual health, you certainly want to give them an answer. Consider going a step further with them to determine the why behind the question, so that you are providing the right information at the right time. It can be helpful for you to understand the reasons behind why they are asking.

One way to do this is by asking a follow up question such as, “What made you ask that question?” or “Good question! What have you heard about this?”

Here are the 6 TOP reasons kids ask questions

Information - This can be a simple straightforward inquiry. They are curious or possibly wanting context for something they have seen or heard. They’re looking for education and information.

Am I normal - They want to understand if they are normal, and what is normal. They are seeking to learn how they fit into normal when they feel like they don’t.

Shock Value - They are looking for your reaction to a question, their knowledge about something, or their desire to know something. Your reaction and response is giving them information about what they can ask you about. They may be thinking, “Am I allowed to talk about this topic with my parent?” or “Can my parent handle these kind of questions?”

Permission seeking - They are seeking to get your permission for something. They may also be trying to determine if they need/want your permission.

Values based - They want to understand the values you hold surrounding a topic or question. The older they get they may also be determining if they align with your values.

Personal - They have something going on with their body, sexuality, or other personal question. The inquiry is directly about themselves.

With all the above, try to be intentional about affirming the ask and helping them understand that you are a safe person to continue coming to with all their questions.

Learn more about this topic:
Be your child’s sexual health educator
4 questions for parents as they talk about sexual health
10 tips for parents
Childhood sexual abuse prevention: 2 tools
6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child

New Year Intentions For Better Sex

• Get to know your body and anatomy

• Gain more understanding of your sexuality

• Give yourself permission to try something new

• Get curious about eroticism and sensual play

• Gain more education about sex through the podcast

• Give yourself permission to talk about sex

• Grow your sexual conversation with a partner by using these prompts

• Gift yourself a vibrator or toy

• Grab a good lubricant for sex

• Get curious about temperature play

• Give your arousal a nudge with these three tips

• Get up for morning sex

• Go sexify your bedroom

• Gift yourself a sexual wellness retreat with my book Permission for Pleasure: Tending Your Sexual Garden

• Get out of your bedroom boredom with an Ayra intimacy subscription box (use my discount code CS15)

• Glow up your arousal with Foria’s CBD Intimacy Oil

Talking with a partner about sex

Does talking about sex feel like speaking a language you don’t know?

Good communication is one of the keys to a nourishing relationship. Talking about the topic of sex is one area where many people seriously struggle to have open conversation. Most people grow up with a lot of silence about sex and so it may be like a language you never learned.

The fact is that it is absolutely normal to have to discuss and negotiate the many facets of sex.

So while it may not always be comfortable or easy, it is normal and needed. Good communication and good sex go together and can lead to a lot more pleasure!

And here is the good news - talking about sex is a language you can learn! Just like any foreign language, it takes practice. The more you practice, the easier it gets.

Do these common responses sound familiar to you?

“I view a discussion about sex as threatening to myself or fear it will feel threatening to my partner, it is easier to say nothing, than to take the risk”

“ I don’t want to hurt my partner’s feelings, so I don’t speak up”  

“ I believe if my partner really loves me or cares about me, they will know what I like and want.”

“ I wonder what my partner is open to trying or into but I am afraid to ask”

“ What used to work before, doesn’t work anymore, how do I tell my partner”

I hear these kind of comments often, so if they resonate with you, you are not alone!

Here are some tips that might help get you started having healthy conversations about sex.

Basic Communication Strategies and Starters

Start the conversation with something positive, “I really love it when...” Then suggest what you want, “I would enjoy more….” Follow that with a specific example, “I think it would be a turn on if we….” Then ask for their feedback, “What do you think would be fun to try?”

Begin sentences with “I” instead of “You” For example: “I’ve noticed some things about my body and how it responds during sex and I want to share that with you” instead of “You aren’t doing what my body needs to get aroused.”

To gather more information and gain understanding, Say things like “tell me more about that…” or repeat what you THINK you heard them say and clarify that you heard accurately what they were trying to communicate.

Have conversations about sex out of the bedroom (not right before or during sex) - perhaps while you are driving in the car together or taking a walk. A neutral location.

Better not to “surprise” your partner, but rather, tell them ahead you want to talk about sex and ask to set up a time to do so.

Practice what you want to say ahead of time. Think through how to communicate in a way that your partner will hear and understand. Is there an example or demonstration to make things more clear?

Tackle one topic at a time. It is better to address one thing at a time and have ongoing short conversations rather than everything all at once.

Give answer options.⁣ ⁣ Sometimes this helps spark a healthy discussion⁣ when one of you wants to try something new ⁣ (new position, place, toy, technique etc...)⁣ Answer options: Yes. No. Maybe⁣ or Thumbs up. Thumbs down. So-So⁣

Start with simple vocabulary words such as: Harder ~ Softer ~ Deeper ~ Faster ~ Slower ~ Stop ~ Up ~ Down ~ Left ~ Right.

To learn more:
Read a book on sex together to help open up conversations.
Listen together to these episodes on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast:
Communication, Couples and Sex
Talking About Sex (when things aren’t great)
Want Better Sex? Ask Yourself These Questions
Sexual Communication