Listen: 'The value of sex education' on The Good is in the Details podcast
Listen in on this conversation chock-full of solid sex education with Gwendolyn Dolske and Konstantin Hatcher on the Good is in the Details Podcast.
I had a conversation chock-full of solid sex education with Gwendolyn Dolske and Konstantin Hatcher on the Good is in the Details Podcast. We talked about how we can better understand female pleasure, the lack of ownership women feel over their bodies, and the importance of a woman’s sexual relationship with herself. There is also good discussion about desire styles, painful sex and how to talk with a partner about sex. Lots of tips for parents on this episode as well - talking with your child about sex, how to use role play and why it’s important for a child to know the names for their genitals. A rich discussion worth your time.
Give it a listen at the links below
Understanding Your Desire Style For Better Sex
If more couples understood the concept of desire styles, there could be a lot less conflict and a lot more sex!
DO YOU FIGHT ABOUT SEX IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? YOU’RE NOT ALONE.
One of most common arguments among couples is how often they’re having sex. Frequently, it comes down to one partner wanting sex more than the other. This can lead to trouble in the bedroom -- and relationship. If more couples understood the concept of desire styles, there could be a lot less conflict and a lot more sex!
A desire style is the way in which you experience an interest to have sex.
Desire is not a drive, like hunger. Sexual desire actually works more like curiosity. Think of it like this: What has to happen for you to be motivated to have sex? It is also important to understand that there is a difference between desire and arousal. Desire is your motivation to want to have sex, while arousal is your mind and body’s physical response.
The truth about sexual desire is that there is more than one way to experience it.
It is normal for partners to have mismatched styles.
Here’s one example: Some of you can walk into the kitchen and just the sight of your lover’s butt as they’re bent over the dishwasher sparks a desire to have sex. Others of you may be thinking, “Really? That does nothing for me.” But for those of you in the latter group, what if you saw that your partner had loaded that dishwasher when it wasn’t their turn? You go to kiss them and say thank you. They do that thing with their tongue up the side of your neck. Does that do something for you?
Having mismatched desire styles doesn’t mean something is “broken” in one partner.
It just means you’re different. However, conflict can arise when couples lack understanding about how each partner experiences desire. The key here is communication. When you understand your partner’s style -- and they understand yours -- you can accommodate each other in a blended sex life.
So, let’s get curious about the three desire styles:
Spontaneous Desire
Some people experience desire first then arousal. This is called spontaneous desire. How this might look: You encounter your partner taking off a piece of clothing and that sparks your desire to have sex, which leads to arousal. This person wants and desires sex quickly or seemingly “out of the blue.” About 15% of women and 75% of men have spontaneous desire. Pretty big discrepancy, right? If couples understood this statistic alone, there could be a lot less fighting about sex.
Responsive Desire
If you experience responsive desire, then your mind and body need to be aroused before you desire to have sex. How this might look: You are kissing your partner, and they are touching you in the way you like best. You weren’t thinking about sex before, but now you find yourself interested. Basically, you need more than just your partner standing in front of you with their shirt off. About 30% of women and 5% of men have responsive desire.
Combination Desire
Many people experience both spontaneous and responsive desire. It just depends on context. How this might look: One day, you and your partner have been texting sexy messages back and forth all day. When they walk in the door, you jump into their arms -- immediately ready to have sex. In this context, sexual desire feels spontaneous. On another day, you may be reading on the couch when your partner comes up and touches you in a way that causes your body to respond -- leading to motivation for sex. In this relaxed context, sexual desire feels responsive. About half of all women and quite a few men experience desire this way.
Something to keep in mind: Desire styles can change -- over time and according to context.
What worked for you early on may not work now.
Desire is influenced by many factors, including hormones, exhaustion, stress, medical conditions, past trauma and relationship conflict, to name a few.
As we age, we naturally move into more responsive desire, so it is crucial to understand this style to keep sexually connected if/when spontaneity no longer works (if it ever did!).
This isn’t a one-time discussion with your partner.
Stay curious, and keep the conversation going.
FOUR ACTION STEPS
Talk about your desire style with your partner. Even better, read this blog out loud and discuss how it relates to your sexual relationship.
Take some time alone and ask yourself questions such as: What stimulates and arouses me? What makes me feel sexual? What draws me toward touching? Then find a time to share your responses with your partner.
Discuss sexual frequency. Talking about how often you would like to have sex is normal. Particularly for couples who have mismatched desire styles, it can be helpful to come to an agreement that you’re both comfortable with. Another idea: Schedule sex dates to look forward to together.
Listen to these episodes about desire on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast by yourself or with your partner to open the conversation.
Desire Styles
The truth about desire is that there is more than one style or pattern.
Feeling desire spontaneously or in advance is not required to express your sexuality in a way you enjoy or to have “good sex.” The truth about desire is that there is more than one style or pattern. It is normal for partners to have mismatched desire styles. It doesn’t mean something is “broken” in one partner.
An important note about desire - it is not a drive (like hunger.) I realize this is all you have heard in popular cultural terminology, however the science proves that wrong. A more accurate way to think of desire is as an “incentive motivation system.” Desire is being pulled toward an outside stimulus that is attractive to us. Desire actually works more like curiosity.
Spontaneous Desire:
Some people experience desire first then arousal. This is called spontaneous desire. About 15 percent of women have spontaneous desire. About 75 percent of men have spontaneous desire. How this looks: one partner encounters sexually relevant stimuli and that sparks desire leading to arousal. This person wants sex “out of the blue.”
Responsive Desire:
Some people experience arousal first then desire. This is called responsive desire. About 30 percent of women have responsive desire. About 5 percent of men have responsive desire. How this looks: one partner is thinking, “I’m not in the mood,” or doesn’t particularly feel desire for sex/intimacy but once they get touching or kissing or cuddling and tune into the connection, they can enjoy it. Basically this person wants sex when something erotic is already happening; they need a compelling reason other than just an attractive person in front of them.
Combination Desire:
Some people experience arousal with a combination of both styles. The big decisive factor involved is - context. About half of all women experience desire this way. How this looks: If you are content and not stressed and your partner touches you and becomes affectionate and you respond in that relaxed context with responsive desire - OR - you have been texting sexy messages back and forth with your partner all day and you see each other after work, kiss hello, and you immediately jump into their arms. In this context, sexual desire feels spontaneous.
Tips and Strategies
* For those with responsive desire, if you put off sex until you “feel desire” you will be having a lot less sex.
* The more sex you have, often the more responsive you will be and the more you will enjoy it.
* Desire styles can change and shift in our lifetime and according to context so understanding responsive desire is crucial for keeping sexually connected if/when spontaneity no longer works (if it ever did!)
* Desire is influenced by many factors, including hormones, exhaustion, stress, medical conditions, past trauma and relationship conflict - to name a few.
* Stay curious, change things up, introduce novelty or an element of mystery, and alternate intensity to increase sexual desire.
* Tune into yourself and ask questions such as: What makes me feel sensuous? What stimulates and arouses me? What makes me feel sexual? What draws me toward touching?
* Talk about desire styles with your partner, read this blog out loud together, discuss how this looks for your sexual relationship and to better understand one another.
* If you and your partner have mismatched desire styles, talk together about “negotiating” sexual frequency. This may sound strange, but if you are in a trusting relationship, many couples find this works well. Be honest, compromise and come to an understanding and agreement about frequency that you both can be comfortable with.
