Sharing My Thoughts On Steamier Vanilla Sex for HuffPost
Five ideas to make vanilla sex steamier. Read my quotes for HuffPost
Vanilla Sex Can Be Great, But These 5 Things Will Make It Steamier by August Mclaughlin for HuffPost
Sharing my ideas about setting a sultry stage and lubing it up in this article. Vanilla sex isn’t boring!
Read five ways to make it more delicious
Sexify Your Bedroom
Ten tips to sexify your bedroom. Try one of these ideas to set up your environment for better sex and intimacy.
How to build a sex-y bedroom: ten tips to sexify your space
We can’t all have an entire room just for sexy fun! But we can take some steps to make the space we do have feel sexier and more sensual. Research shows that those with the most enjoyable sex life, set up their environment for sex with intention. Choose from - moody lighting, mirrors, props, privacy and more.
level up your bedroom for better sex
First things first - get a lock on the door. It can decrease anxiety around being interrupted, walked-in on or surprised at the exactly the wrong time! Privacy and having a safe space for intimacy is your first priority.
If it isn’t for sleeping or sex - can you get it out of your bedroom? Clutter, dirty laundry, paperwork, electronics, unfinished projects - look around your space and see what you can eliminate that doesn’t help you sleep or have great sex. Get rid of distractions!
Keep the TV out of your sexy space. I know, I know! Some of you will strongly disagree about this, but studies have shown that couples have more sex when there isn’t a TV in their bedroom.
If it’s available to you, invest in high-quality sheets. The kind that make you want to slip into them. If that isn’t an option, wash your sheets often and use a lavender dryer bag or spritz them with an intoxicating scent you enjoy before jumping in.
Moody lighting. Whether you use candlelight, a dimmer switch, the soft glow from a small lamp or changing lightbulb that allows you adjust percentage/colors - light your room to match your mood. Create the atmosphere that turns you on!
Have a photo of you and your partner visible. This tip is especially for parents. Your children are amazing, but the family album on your bedside may not spark the desire you are looking for. It can be hard enough to switch from parent to lover, and a picture you really like of the two of you might be just the thing to remind you who you're in bed with.
Use a speaker for music or sound machine for privacy. Go ahead and create a sexy playlist while you’re at it or choose the ocean waves sound to get you in the mood.
Stop scrolling. Our phones are so distracting. Keep your head in the game and pay attention to each other rather than social media, email and texts. Let the last thing you touch at night and the first thing you touch in the morning - be your partner rather than your phone!
Mirror mirror on the wall. If you really enjoy the visual of watching your partner or watching the two of you together having sex, see if there is space for a mirror somewhere in your bedroom. Many people find this a turn on and a sensual way to connect with each other.
Bedroom props. Keep a pillow or two around to change up positions. If you like chair sex - keep one in your bedroom. Do you have a drawer or place to keep your toys and lube? Make sure the items you enjoy for sex are easily available.
Bonus Tip: Read these tips with your partner or listen to me talk about them on the podcast, and pick one or two ideas together to sexify your space!
Condoms And Vaginal Health
Condoms and vaginal health: 3 things to consider if you have sensitivities.
Most people tolerate condoms well. If you have sensitivity, or you are looking for products with the least number of additives:
Consider these 3 things:
Avoid condoms with spermicide (they typically include nonoxynol-9 or N-9)
If condoms with lubricant already added are irritating - choose lubricant-free.
Add your own preferred lubricant (water-based or silicone, not oil based)
Consider using polyurethane rather than latex.
options:
Maude condoms are vegan, made from 100% natural latex, vegan and free from spermicide or fragrance. (Use my Maude affiliate link/code CINDY10 to try them)
Sustain condoms are nitrosamine-free
5 ideas for keeping it sexy using condoms
Can condoms be sexy? Tips to stay in the mood while rolling one on.
Putting on a condom is ruining the mood; how can I keep it sexy?
This question was submitted in my recent Ask Me Anything Q & A. If you are feeling the same way, here are five ideas to try.
1. Change your mindset. Literally, say “sexy” rather than “ugh” to yourself and each other. Don’t turn yourself off with a negative voice in your head or out loud to each other.
Your brain is your most important sex organ - Use it!
Let me also add that if you desire to prevent pregnancy and/or you are taking measures to have safe sex with a barrier method such as condoms - that is sexy!
2. Try different textured condoms.
Condoms come in several textures such as ribbed, dot design, and studded. Check out a different brand or type and see what sensations feel good for both of you. If either partner has sensitivities, you’ll want to take this into consideration before trying these options.
3. Use your mouth along with your fingers.
Combining oral pleasure as you roll it on adds some different stimulation. Look into each other’s eyes for even more heat and connection.
4. Use 1-2 drops of lube inside the condom.
Lube not only makes using condoms more comfortable, for some it can increase pleasure. Try using a small amount of lube and see what a difference it can make. Reminder: oil-based products are not compatible with latex condoms - use water based or silicone.
5. Roll it on in a 69 position to combine with oral for the partner on top.
This idea is both sexy and pleasurable for both partners. Taking your time here will definitely keep you in the mood while rolling one on!
Sex After Baby
Congratulations!! You carried and birthed a whole human. Now what? Sex after a baby may be quite the challenge. You are not alone. Let’s talk about how it really is with facts and tips to help you navigate your sex life postpartum.
First things first, Congratulations and I am so proud of you!
YOU CARRIED AND BIRTHED A WHOLE HUMAN!
Your body has been through months of changes and adjustments for pregnancy and then birth. When you add in massive hormonal shifts, the fog of sleep deprivation, possible physical birth trauma and complete care of another helpless human - you have a recipe for an emotional and physical roller coaster ride in the “fourth trimester.”
You are not alone in all the feelings and physical adjustments.
You and your body have worked hard and changed. You are also forming a connection with your baby. So much of postpartum is about taking care of another. While this is normal, it may also cause some disconnection from your body and/or your partner.
Communication is so important right now!
I cannot emphasis this enough. Keep an open dialogue with yourself about how you are feeling. Have ongoing conversations with your partner about how you both are feeling, coping, and relating to each other. Offer yourself and each other a whole lot of grace!
Now let’s talk about the boatload of misinformation and silence around sex after a baby. Quite often women tell one another stories about common issues or problems. Especially when it comes to intercourse being painful. Let me be clear:
Painful sex is not normal!
When we feel pain, we never want to tell ourselves to “just push through it.” Instead, we need to back up and evaluate what is going on. Studies show that 9 in 10 women report pain during sex postpartum, even up to 6 months after birth. Obviously, this is a very common issue, and we need to address it out loud.
It is crucial to remember that an issue being common, does not make it normal!
So, what advice have you been given so that you will not experience pain? Likely, the only information you received centered around waiting six weeks before putting anything into your vagina. This is minimally helpful, if at all. Most physicians subscribe to this guideline to ensure the vagina is healing, or the cesarean incisions are healing, and you have given your body a tiny bit of time to rest and recover.
This is a minimum recommendation -- not a mandate!
Many women do not feel ready for sex at six weeks and even long past that time frame. Normal! Occasionally there is a woman who is ready before that time. Again, normal.
The best way to approach sex after childbirth is to listen to your body and what she is telling you about when she is ready.
Do not pressure yourself, nor allow your partner to pressure you into sex you are not ready for.
If you haven’t heard this before, let me share a sexual health fact: Sex and pleasure are about more than just intercourse. Given all that is going on within your mind and body at this time, this is more important than ever!
After a baby is an especially good time to engage in times of naked playing, and intimate touching that doesn’t lead to penetrative sex. Try connecting with your partner in this way, before moving in the direction of intercourse.
With that in mind, here are some ideas:
Give each other a sensual massage, do my pleasurable touch practice, or lay side by side naked and cuddle, mutually masturbate, touch each other all over, or kiss each other from head to toe. These times of connection and pleasurable touch will allow you to engage your sensual self, awaken your body and reconnect with your partner.
When you are ready to try penetrative sex, consider the following:
Give yourself time to change roles before sex. Switching from new mama to sensual woman is not always easy. Whether this looks like time alone, a long shower, a bath or change of clothes – transition time helps!
You have an infant in contact with your body constantly and you may feel “touched out.” This is normal. Call it out for what it is; this allows you and your partner to normalize it, talk about it, and avoid hurt feelings.
Use lube, more lube, do not forget the lube. I highly recommend using lube the first time you have intercourse after baby - no matter what! If you are breastfeeding, even more so. Breastfeeding leads to low hormone levels which usually results in vaginal dryness and your body producing less of your own natural lubricant.
Allow adequate time for arousal. Female arousal takes more than 5 minutes and adequate arousal is necessary to avoid pain.
Have a birth control plan. In case you heard differently from a friend, here’s the truth: you can get pregnant while breastfeeding. Anxiety about getting pregnant again can lead to tension, and tension can cause pain.
Your hormones may still be shifting. Pay attention to what changes you are experiencing physically and emotionally. If you feel extremely “off” or depressed or unable to care for yourself or your baby, please call your healthcare provider to evaluate your hormone levels and get the help you need.
Your body has changed. She may tell you new or different things now. Listen.
What worked before in the bedroom to bring you pleasure may not be the same now. Shifts and changes are not a bad thing, they are normal. If the first time you have intercourse isn’t exactly fireworks, this does not mean you are broken, something is wrong with you, or you won’t experience great sex again.
If you experience some minor discomfort initially, this may be due to your body adjusting to having something in your vagina again. If you experience pain, this is not normal. Gently stop penetration and move to other sexual activities if you wish. Take some time to evaluate what is going on. Were you aroused enough? Were you lubricated enough? Do you need to adjust positions or depth of penetration? If these easier fixes are not the issue, make an appointment with your healthcare provider to check into what might be causing the pain. Please do not tell yourself things such as: “This is normal,” or “This is just the way it is now,” or “It will get better by itself.”
If your healthcare provider is unable to find the cause of pain:
Request a referral for a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist (PT) evaluation from your OB/GYN. Quite honestly, I feel every woman who carries and births a baby should have a few visits with a Pelvic Floor PT – so if anything seems amiss physically, (wetting yourself, painful sex, pelvic pain, back pain etc.) I strongly recommend getting a referral, in fact, insist on it!
If you are not experiencing pain but feel like you just aren’t experiencing pleasure
Consider all the things discussed above and how they might be affecting you physically and emotionally. You are in a very unique season of life. Get curious about what does feel pleasurable. It may be helpful to ask the question: does taking penetration out of the equation allow me to experience pleasure? If you feel comfortable, gently masturbating with or without your partner may give you insight into what your body responds to right now. Be sure and share what you learn about yourself with your partner.
These suggestions are not meant to be all-encompassing, but rather a part of the larger conversation. This is not medical advice. Please, always seek help from your healthcare provider if you have questions or concerns. If you would like to schedule a consultation call with me to help you navigate these issues, please message me through my contact page. You are not alone.
To learn more on these topics:
Lube, Lube, Lube
Pain and Sex
Your Body After Baby
Pelvic Health and Painful Sex
Sex, Postpartum & Breastfeeding
Sex and Pregnancy
Sexy in Survival Mode
Stretched-out Vaginas and Other Myths
Book Review: Naked at Our Age, Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex
This book is a solid resource for my over 50 crowd. As the author points out, “wrinkles and decades of birthdays are no deterrent to hot sex.”
This book is a solid resource for my over 50 crowd. As the author points out, “wrinkles and decades of birthdays are no deterrent to hot sex.”
Joan Price, calls herself an "advocate for ageless sexuality” and she does a great job of talking out loud about senior sex! The approach is honest and no nonsense in addressing both the challenges and joys of pursing love and sex in the second half of life.
NAKED AT OUR AGE READS A LOT LIKE A QUESTION & ANSWER WORKSHOP.
Men and women from all walks of life candidly ask their questions and tell their stories about sex. Then, the author, along with a wide range of experts, gives their answers, tips and advice. It is very easy to read and has a good index to search for specific topics.
Covering both physical and emotional topics, it addresses relationship issues as well as common health concerns and includes a lot of tangible ideas for sexuality in your 50’s and beyond.
(Do you see all my stickies in the photo? There are some gems in this book!!)
There are 20 chapters, here are a few examples: Reviving Desire, Sex With Myself, Reclaiming Sexuality After Cancer, Erectile Dysfunction (2 chapters), and The Old Ways Don't Do It Anymore.
Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.
Pain and Sex
Painful sex is never normal. Take a step toward finding out what is going on with your body. You do NOT have to give up on sex!
Painful sex is never normal.
Due to the lack of education about sex, and years of hearing half-truths, many women think pain with sex is typical or normal. They believe that pain might just be part of what every woman experiences with sex.
False.
If you are experiencing painful penetration, the three reasons I address here are potential causes that have solutions that you can take control over right now.
However, if these more common causes don’t seem to be the issue, then I encourage you to seek help from your medical provider. Preferably, start with an OB/GYN doctor or a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist. A qualified healthcare provider can assess more involved issues causing dyspareunia. Dyspareunia is the medical term for genital pain that occurs just before, during or after intercourse. Though certainly not an exhaustive list, a few examples of conditions that might cause pain would be: hormonal changes that decrease lubrication and elasticity of the vagina; ovarian cysts; fibroids; endometriosis; skin irritation or inflammation; infection; or vaginismus.
There are solutions, and I strongly encourage you to seek the help.
Tips on talking about sexual health with your healthcare provider HERE.
Three Common Causes
1. Not enough “arousal” time before penetration
Women’s bodies require sufficient time for arousal in order to get to a place of desiring anything entering their vagina. Allowing time for increased arousal will give your vagina and vulva the time they need to lubricate. This also increases blood flow which allows your vagina to soften and lengthen. All of these arousal responses help ensure that you don’t feel pain during sex.
Take your time!
2. Not enough lubrication before penetration
Lubrication is absolutely necessary for penetrative sex not to result in pain. Some women’s bodies produce a lot of natural lubricant, and some don’t. Both are normal! It is important to understand how your own body functions and if you naturally lubricate enough for pleasure or if you need added lubrication. Many women need or desire more lube than they produce -- sometimes all the time, and sometimes at varying seasons in their lives. Some possible causes of decreased lubrication might be: hormonal changes, medications, menopause, postpartum or breastfeeding, and aging.
There are many lube options available, read about them HERE.
3. Positioning
If certain sex positions are painful for you then by all means, STOP using that position or figure out ways to modify that position so it doesn’t hurt. Often a certain position may be uncomfortable because penetration is too hard or too deep. An easy adjustment for this is to try positions where you are in charge of how deep and how hard. Women sometimes find that positions where they are on top allows them this kind of control. There are also options to customize penetration depth with devices such as Ohnut rings.
Gently try different positions and evaluate what works or doesn’t work for you.
What usually happens if someone has pain with sex?
They stop desiring it and ultimately stop having it altogether. Communication with your partner is crucial in working through pain with sex. Be honest with them. Talk about what is going on with your body and what you want to do about it. Take a step toward breaking the silence.
You do NOT have to give up on sex!
Learn more on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast
Pelvic Health and Painful Sex
* links are not sponsored content, but if you want to try Ohnut mentioned above, they offer my community 15% with code CINDY
Why Does Female Arousal Take More Than 5 Minutes?
Arousal is the physiological changes in your body that occur when you are sexually excited.
Arousal is the physiological changes in your body that occur when you are sexually excited.
For women, this process often takes more than 5 minutes (like you see in the movies). Why?
The clitoral network has a whole lot of erectile tissue. (anatomy demo)
All this tissue needs time for the blood flow to increase to it.
The blood flow increases as arousal increases.
Your brain engages and often this is when desire is determined. (Do I want sex?)
As the blood flow increases to the tissues they dilate and become swollen.
The vaginal canal might expand.
Lubrication happens.
Adequate arousal can increase pleasure.
The average time needed for adequate female arousal leading to orgasm is 14-20+ minutes
Want to learn more on this topic?
3 Tips to Speed Up Your Arousal
Reclaiming Your Arousal Mindset
Community Questions about Arousal
Misconceptions Men Believe About Sex
All About Lube
Adding a personal lubricant into your sex life is not just for when you need a little “extra,” but can enhance your sexual activity and make it feel “extra!”
Picture going down a water slide without enough water … It is not comfortable, or fun! Adequate water is needed for the slide to be slippery and cut down on the friction between it - and you! Lubrication is a lot like that.
Whatever you have heard and believed about sex, women and lubrication – throw it out the window and let’s start fresh with the basics. Sex can involve your body parts rubbing or moving against another surface or partner’s body parts. This results in friction. When there is too much friction it can cause discomfort, micro-tears of the skin, or pain. Adequate lubrication reduces the friction.
Reducing friction can also increase pleasure.
This means that adding a personal lubricant into your sex life is not just for when your body needs more moisture to avoid discomfort, but it can also make the sex you’re having slicker, longer lasting and more enjoyable. It can be an enhancement for your sexual activity.
Before you read further, let’s be clear - the cultural myth that a woman getting “wet” is the indicator that she is turned on and aroused is simply not evidenced-based. The best indicator to determine if a woman is aroused is - listening to her words - letting you know she is. Also, a lack of lubrication does not indicate a lack of arousal or desire for sex. These two facts are important for you and a partner to understand.
Lubrication is part of the sexual response cycle.
With arousal, there is increased blood flow to the genitals which begins the lubrication process. Women are all different, but typically need 11-20+ minutes of warming up activities (foreplay) to reach full arousal. A woman’s lubrication can vary day to day and from partner to partner. Women naturally lubricate in varying amounts.
Experiencing times of vaginal dryness is not an “old lady” issue.
There are many reasons why any woman of any age might not produce sufficient vaginal lubrication to allow for pleasurable sex. It may occur on and off in a woman’s life or it may be the nature of the way your individual body works all of the time. Certainly, a woman’s hormonal shifts in life can be a significant factor.
It is normal to experience times of increased dryness after birthing a baby or while breastfeeding. It is well known and documented that menopausal changes and aging can result in vaginal dryness and lack of lubrication. Other factors can affect lubrication as well. Stress, alcohol, medication side effects, dehydration, and skin irritation are a few known culprits.
Touching your genitals when they are dry, is not usually pleasurable!
So, whether for solo play and exploration or for partnered sex, lube is a good thing to have on hand. For the times you and your partner may be having a quickie - lube is most certainly recommended due to the decrease in time for arousal.
Despite what you may have seen on TV or in movies - saliva is not good lube. It isn’t slippery and has no staying power because it evaporates quickly. It can also transmit STI’s and unwanted bacteria from one partner to another.
Using lube with protective barriers like condoms is highly encouraged. It decreases friction that can cause discomfort as well as reduces condom breakage. Pick a lube based on its compatibility with the type of condoms you regularly use. Additionally, a good lubricant is essential for anal play or anal sex. The anus does not self-lubricate at all and penetration of any kind without lube can result in tissue trauma and pain.
BASIC categories of lube:
It is best to think through each type and possibly try a few to determine what will work best for you and your partner. I highly recommend you test out the lube on skin other than your vulva or vagina first to determine any sensitivity. The underside of your arm works well, dab some on there and wait a day to see if you tolerate the lube without irritation. Always check labels, the fewer ingredients - the better.
Silicone based lube:
Generally well-tolerated, non-irritating, and unlikely to cause allergic reactions. Safe to use with condoms. Not usually compatible to use with silicone toys. A little goes a long way, slippery not runny, and stays where you put it. Long lasting, and doesn’t evaporate. Suggestion: Uberlube.
Water-based lube:
Thinner consistency and dries up quickly which may require reapplication. Often a good choice for those with sensitive skin. Check ingredients and steer clear of parabens, fragrances and glycerin. Easy cleanup. Safe with latex condoms and silicone toys. Suggestions: Coconu, Good Clean Love Almost Naked, Okanagan Joy.
Oil based lube:
Thicker consistency and can play multiple roles as a friction reducer as well as great for skin-on-skin contact and sensual massage. Be careful with ingredients - may cause irritation/infection in some women. Not safe with latex condoms. Suggestion: Coconu
Food Oils:
None are recommended for vaginal lubrication. Though many people tell me they use coconut oil with good results and no ill effects. Food oils can speed up growth of bacteria and yeast in the vagina. They don’t flush out of your system easily. Oil causes condom breakage - do not use with condoms. Suggestion: Coconut oil
Petroleum-based lubricants (Vaseline, mineral oil)
These products should not be used internally and are not recommended. They can irritate and promote bacterial growth that can lead to infections. Never use with condoms or other latex barriers because they cause breakage.
More Options:
Hybrid lubes: a mix of water based with some silicone that provides a longer-lasting benefit with easier clean up. Suggestion: Good Clean Love
Lubes infused with CBD or hemp. Suggestions: Coconu, Foria, GoLove
Edible or flavored lubes
To try UberLube use code CINDY for 15% off
To try Coconu use my affiliate link and code Pleasure for 15% off
To try Okanagan Joy use my discount code CINDY15
*AFFILIATE LINKS AND RECOMMENDATIONS: I may earn a small commission when readers purchase products through my affiliate links. This doesn't affect which products are included. I choose products carefully, and anything I recommend on my website is recommended for its quality, performance, and overall reputation, regardless of any affiliate relationship.
