Cindy Scharkey 6/25/24 Cindy Scharkey 6/25/24

Book Review: Yes, Your Kid by Debby Herbenick, PhD

There are some stark differences in the sexual lives of modern teenagers and young adults. Parents need to know about this sexual landscape in order to help their kids navigate it.

When I asked Debby Herbenick why she wrote this book. She said, “Parents need an update!”

As a parent, sex educator and researcher, Herbenick says that, “Most of the sex education books for parents were written in the before times.” Not only were they written before current social media, but also before the internet as it is today with widely accessible pornography. There are some stark differences in the sexual lives of modern teenagers and young adults, and parents need to know about this sexual landscape in order to help their kids navigate it.

This book provides parents education around topics such as: taking and sharing sexual images, sexting, birth control, anal sex, pornography, STI’s and even includes a packing list for your college student. I appreciated the author’s detailed research and statistics, as well as her practical tips on talking to different aged children appropriately. Also included are some role play scenarios for parents to demonstrate how they can respond to questions and keep the doors open for further conversations with their kids.

The rise and mainstreaming of rough sex is one of the most profound changes that Herbenick wants parents to know about. I was so compelled by what she wrote in the book that I invited her to be a guest on the podcast. As she says in the book, “Today’s version of rough sex is different than you may think—more aggressive and riskier, and often with little or no communication between partners.” Listen in to hear us talk more about this topic (especially choking) in episode 91 that drops July 10th.

If you are a parent of a tween, teen or young adult, I highly recommend this book as an excellent resource.

Buy on Amazon

Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.

When Should My Child Stop Seeing Me Naked?

When should I stop being naked around my child? Helping parents navigate nakedness in the home.

Nakedness in the home

At my parent workshops, one of the most frequently asked questions is “How should I handle nakedness?” Parents want to know what the age cut off is or when the appropriate time is to stop being naked around their child.

We all have various feelings and past experiences with nakedness from our own childhoods. This can influence how we feel about it as adults with children of our own. This topic is a good one for parents to talk about early in their parenting. Every home will look a bit different.

There isn’t one “right” age or time frame that works for “every” family.

Keep in mind that children are naturally curious. They will look at bodies out of that normal curiosity and it will prompt questions. Bare bodies are not damaging for children to see. Additionally, it’s important to remember that adults sexualize nudity long before a child does.

**Young children don’t see through erotic glasses like adults do.**

Pay attention to your child and their verbal and non-verbal cues. Are their words or actions communicating discomfort with your nudity? For example, do they walk in on you getting out of the shower and turn their back or avert their eyes? Do they stop walking into the bathroom with you like they used to?

Initiate a simple conversation with your child. Next time you are walking around the block together or riding in the car, pose questions such as: “Are you comfortable seeing me when I don’t have my clothes on?” or “How do you feel about seeing mommy/daddy naked.”

Thinking through the questions below and discussing them with your partner will assist you in understanding each of your comfort levels with nakedness and bodies. These questions may help you open a conversation about how you will navigate nakedness in your home.

1. Am I comfortable with my child seeing my naked body?⁣
2. Am I comfortable with my child seeing my partner's body?⁣
⁣3. When my child comes upon me naked, how ‘do’ I respond/react?⁣ How would I ‘like to’ respond/react?

Sexify Your Bedroom

Ten tips to sexify your bedroom. Try one of these ideas to set up your environment for better sex and intimacy.

How to build a sex-y bedroom: ten tips to sexify your space

We can’t all have an entire room just for sexy fun! But we can take some steps to make the space we do have feel sexier and more sensual. Research shows that those with the most enjoyable sex life, set up their environment for sex with intention. Choose from - moody lighting, mirrors, props, privacy and more.

level up your bedroom for better sex

First things first - get a lock on the door. It can decrease anxiety around being interrupted, walked-in on or surprised at the exactly the wrong time! Privacy and having a safe space for intimacy is your first priority.
If it isn’t for sleeping or sex - can you get it out of your bedroom? Clutter, dirty laundry, paperwork, electronics, unfinished projects - look around your space and see what you can eliminate that doesn’t help you sleep or have great sex. Get rid of distractions!
Keep the TV out of your sexy space. I know, I know! Some of you will strongly disagree about this, but studies have shown that couples have more sex when there isn’t a TV in their bedroom.
If it’s available to you, invest in high-quality sheets. The kind that make you want to slip into them. If that isn’t an option, wash your sheets often and use a lavender dryer bag or spritz them with an intoxicating scent you enjoy before jumping in.
Moody lighting. Whether you use candlelight, a dimmer switch, the soft glow from a small lamp or changing lightbulb that allows you adjust percentage/colors - light your room to match your mood. Create the atmosphere that turns you on!
Have a photo of you and your partner visible. This tip is especially for parents. Your children are amazing, but the family album on your bedside may not spark the desire you are looking for. It can be hard enough to switch from parent to lover, and a picture you really like of the two of you might be just the thing to remind you who you're in bed with.
Use a speaker for music or sound machine for privacy. Go ahead and create a sexy playlist while you’re at it or choose the ocean waves sound to get you in the mood.
Stop scrolling. Our phones are so distracting. Keep your head in the game and pay attention to each other rather than social media, email and texts. Let the last thing you touch at night and the first thing you touch in the morning - be your partner rather than your phone!
Mirror mirror on the wall. If you really enjoy the visual of watching your partner or watching the two of you together having sex, see if there is space for a mirror somewhere in your bedroom. Many people find this a turn on and a sensual way to connect with each other.
Bedroom props. Keep a pillow or two around to change up positions. If you like chair sex - keep one in your bedroom. Do you have a drawer or place to keep your toys and lube? Make sure the items you enjoy for sex are easily available.

Bonus Tip: Read these tips with your partner or listen to me talk about them on the podcast, and pick one or two ideas together to sexify your space!

My Child Is Starting Sex Ed - Send HELP!

Here are 10 tips to help parents talk to their child about sex education.

Ideally, sexual health conversations have already been happening in your home since your child was a toddler. If not, it is not too late. Take a deep breath, you have what it takes to talk to your child about sexual health topics. I am here to cheer you on.

First, let me say that most school-based sex education is woefully inadequate and certainly not comprehensive. It isn’t even medically accurate in most states, nor required to be by law. Pleasure is rarely, if ever, a part of the discussion and certainly must be. I could go on and on. Therefore, you as a parent play a critical role in your child’s education about sexual health.

The good news is – you don’t have to know all the answers! You don’t have to teach kids everything at once. In fact, it is best to have one conversation at a time. One question at a time. And one short topical discussion at a time. You can do this!

10 TIPS FOR PARENTS

Let your child know that they will be having sex ed classes at school and when it will happen. Do not let it be a surprise to them. Giving them a heads up is good preparation and may help to open the doors to potential conversations with them ahead of the class, and in the future.

Reinforce to your child that you want to talk about what they hear and learn. Show interest, just as you would over their other classes in school. Follow up and then follow up again.
Be honest, tell them that it might be uncomfortable for them, their friends, and even parents - to talk about bodies and sex. Feeling uncomfortable is normal! And it is important and healthy to talk about bodies and sex. You might even apologize if you’ve never brought up the topics before. Reiterate your desire to do so moving forward.
Parents can be given access to the curriculum ahead of time. Ask for it if this is important to you. Use it to jump start conversations at home ahead of the classes. The more context your child has, the better they will be able to understand and sift through what they learn.
Ask questions about what they hear in the class. A good time to do this is while driving or walking the dog around the block – preferably not while sitting at the table face to face with each other (at least at first).
To follow up, ask questions initially as well as after some time has passed. For example, initiate a conversation such as, “I was thinking more about the sex ed class you had a school and wondered if they talked about _____,” or “Remember the sex ed class at school, did they bring up pleasure and sex at all? It is an important part of sex and I want to talk to you about that.”
Remind your child that you are available. Remind them often. Encourage your child to ask you their questions. Assure them that if you don’t know the answer, you will find out and get back to them. And then get back to them!
Encourage your child to not use Google as their way of finding out sexual health information and education. Clearly explain that googling will often bring up results that are inappropriate for them at this age. This may lead nicely into a conversation about pornography and media literacy. Communicate that you are available to help them get the information that they want.
Open a discussion about pornography if you haven’t done so already. Talk about what it is, what it isn’t, what to do if they come upon it or are introduced to it by someone else. Ask them in a non-judgmental manner what they have seen or if they have seen images. Reinforce what is healthy and unhealthy within the boundaries of your family values.
Ask if they would like a book or books to read on their own or together to get more information. Please do not just leave them a book to read with no discussion. Another idea is to investigate educational websites to direct them to or to learn from together.

CHEERING YOU ON!

FOR MORE ON THIS TOPIC, CHECK OUT THESE LINKS:

My letter to parents.

Book a parent workshop with some friends.

Why Sex-Ed Really Matters

Mother/Daughter Interview: Healthy Conversations About Sex

Why We Need to Talk About Pornography

Childhood Sexual Abuse Prevention: 2 Tools For Parents

Start with teaching correct names for body parts, then use these 2 tools.

We all want to keep children safe from sexual abuse. While there is no foolproof way to protect them, there are some tools to help reduce the risk. The one to start with?

Teach your child the correct names for their genitals and body parts.

Children who know the correct names for their body parts are better able to tell you when something is wrong.

As your child gains language, move toward the two tools below. These give parents and caregivers tangible ways to direct kids with words as well as action steps when they are in an uncomfortable or unsafe situation. This needs to be an ongoing conversation with your child - not a one time discussion!

IT IS IMPORTANT TO BRING THIS TOPIC UP REGULARLY.

Ask questions, role play, and provide opportunities for your child to talk about how to handle potential situations with you. Communicate often to your child that they can come to you with any concerns or questions.

Start with the 3 simple words for young children. Then, add the easy to remember acronym from NSPCC (which they call PANTS), as your child approaches school age.