24 Conversation Starters and Questions To Help You Talk About Sex With a Partner

Current Favorites

1. What do you most enjoy about our sex life right now?

2. What do I do that really turns you on?

Let’s Do This More

3.  Are there things I can do to make sex more pleasurable, fun, or satisfying for you?

4. What are some of the reasons that motivate you to have sex.

5. Is there anything you would like more of during sex?

Consistency & Variety

6. Do you enjoy having sex the same way with some consistency? 

7. Do you ever wonder about adding more variety to our sex life?

8. Is there something you imagine us doing sexually that makes your heart race? (even if it isn’t something you want to do in real life)

Changing Interests

9. Is there anything you used to like sexually that has changed for you or no longer turns you on?

10. Was there anything in the past that you were not interested in, that you’re now curious about?

11. How do you feel about the amount of affection we show each other outside of sex? Would you like to see it change? Physically, verbally or in other ways? 

 
Frequency 

12. Is there anything you would change about how often we have sex?

13. How often would you ideally like to have sex?

14. How do you feel about scheduling a sex date?

 
Inviting Intimacy & Play

15. What is something we can do with our bedroom space that would invite more intimacy?

16.  Could we play more in the bedroom? 

17.  What is something that sounds playful or fun to you that we could try?

 
Senses & Sensual Touch

18. What parts of your body would you like me to touch more?

19. Which of your 5 senses is the most sensitive? 

20. How has the way you experience sex in your body changed in the last few years?

21. What are some of my body parts that you find sexy?

Initiation 

22. What is your favorite way for me to initiate sex?

23. When you initiate sex and I say no, what feelings come up for you?

24. How would you like me to say no, or not now, when you initiate sex, and I don’t want to?

When Kids Ask Questions

When your child asks you questions about sexual health, you certainly want to give them an answer. Consider going a step further with them to determine the why behind the question, so that you are providing the right information at the right time. It can be helpful for you to understand the reasons behind why they are asking.

One way to do this is by asking a follow up question such as, “What made you ask that question?” or “Good question! What have you heard about this?”

Here are the 6 TOP reasons kids ask questions

Information - This can be a simple straightforward inquiry. They are curious or possibly wanting context for something they have seen or heard. They’re looking for education and information.

Am I normal - They want to understand if they are normal, and what is normal. They are seeking to learn how they fit into normal when they feel like they don’t.

Shock Value - They are looking for your reaction to a question, their knowledge about something, or their desire to know something. Your reaction and response is giving them information about what they can ask you about. They may be thinking, “Am I allowed to talk about this topic with my parent?” or “Can my parent handle these kind of questions?”

Permission seeking - They are seeking to get your permission for something. They may also be trying to determine if they need/want your permission.

Values based - They want to understand the values you hold surrounding a topic or question. The older they get they may also be determining if they align with your values.

Personal - They have something going on with their body, sexuality, or other personal question. The inquiry is directly about themselves.

With all the above, try to be intentional about affirming the ask and helping them understand that you are a safe person to continue coming to with all their questions.

Learn more about this topic:
Be your child’s sexual health educator
4 questions for parents as they talk about sexual health
10 tips for parents
Childhood sexual abuse prevention: 2 tools
6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child

New Year Intentions For Better Sex

• Get to know your body and anatomy

• Gain more understanding of your sexuality

• Give yourself permission to try something new

• Get curious about eroticism and sensual play

• Gain more education about sex through the podcast

• Give yourself permission to talk about sex

• Grow your sexual conversation with a partner by using these prompts

• Gift yourself a vibrator or toy

• Grab a good lubricant for sex

• Get curious about temperature play

• Give your arousal a nudge with these three tips

• Get up for morning sex

• Go sexify your bedroom

• Gift yourself a sexual wellness retreat with my book Permission for Pleasure: Tending Your Sexual Garden

• Get out of your bedroom boredom with an Ayra intimacy subscription box (use my discount code CS15)

• Glow up your arousal with Foria’s CBD Intimacy Oil

Sex and ADHD

Tips for intimacy with ADHD

Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is characterized by hyperactivity, restlessness, impulsive actions, and trouble paying attention. These symptoms may be influencing your sex life. There is very little available research around this topic, but I have gathered some tips that may help you to stay anchored and engaged to enjoy sex and experience more intimacy.

• Communicate with your partner. Be open about what you need, what helps you stay present and the things that make intimacy difficult for you. Honest dialogue will allow you and your partner to create intimacy that works for both of you. Sexual communication is key.

• Eliminate distractions in your bedroom. Are the lights too bright? Are the sounds too loud? Is there a TV on? What can you remove or change in your environment to keep your attention on the sensations you’re feeling and your partner?

• Add variety and mix things up to keep your attention active.

• Narrate your experience or have your partner narrate.

• Experience with playing different kinds of music to see if this facilitates your focus.

• Pick the time of day that’s best for you. First thing in the morning not your thing? Meet up for an afternoon delight date or try an evening sex date. Experiment with finding your ideal intimacy time window.

• Try scheduling sex which allows you time to mentally prepare for it.

• Exercise regularly. Activity can support focus and decrease symptoms.

• Talk to your healthcare provider about your ADHD medication. Do you have side effects that are affecting your libido? Is the timing of your ADHD medication working well with the time of day you are often sexually active? Most often, taking your ADHD medication will help you to focus and enjoy the sex you are having.

• Learn about mindfulness and start a practice. Mindfulness has been shown to improve general attention and concentration in people with ADHD. I highly recommend Dr. Lori Brotto’s book on mindfulness techniques as a way to get started.

• Meet with a trained sex therapist. Talk therapy may be helpful for you alone, or with your partner, to open healthy conversations around intimacy in and out of bed.

Learn more about these topics
Talking with a partner about sex
Sexual Communication
Sexify your space
Book review: Better Sex Through Mindfulness
Scheduling sex
Create a sexy playlist
Sex on the brain

4 Techniques Women Use To Increase Pleasure With Penetration

While there are a percentage of women who sometimes orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, most of the women I have talked to over three decades as a nurse say that they cannot or rarely do.

You are normal if you do or don’t!

I want to share 4 techniques women use to increase their pleasure with penetration. To clarify, when I say penetration, this can mean a penis, toy, or fingers. These techniques outlined below provide stimulation to the clitoris which is the main pleasure organ for women.

OMGyes, a research company and website devoted to women’s sexual pleasure, in partnership with Indiana University School of Medicine, conducted a nationally representative study of over 3000 women ages 18-93, and I am sharing their results. These techniques were reported and named through their study and published in the scientific journal, PLOS ONE

Having language for what works or to describe what you want can be helpful.

It is helpful for yourself, in understanding your body and how you experience pleasure. Additionally, it can be very helpful in communicating with a partner - to describe what you want and desire. You may read one or more of these techniques and think to yourself, “Ohhhh, I do that!” Or, you might read and think, “Hmmmm…. I want to try that one and see how it feels!” Get curious and explore. Your pleasure matters!

4 ways women report experiencing more pleasure from vaginal penetration

Shallowing: 

84% of women report using this technique

This is touch that stays just inside the entrance of the vagina - not all the way into the vagina. It is often slower, shallow thrusts and more gentle motions. Some women report enjoying a “curling motion” over and over. Good arousal and warm up time is key along with adequate lubrication. The perineum or tissue between the vagina and rectum is sensitive and will want lubrication to decrease friction but not sensation!

Watch my demo on Instagram

Pairing:

70% of women report using this technique

This is basically including stimulation to the clitoris along with penetration at the same time. This can be done by either by the woman, by her partner or with a toy. Remember, the clitoris is the key to women’s pleasure. So, if you enjoy stimulation to the glans clitoris on the outside of the vulva -reach down to stimulate that area. You can do this yourself or ask a partner do it. Have a conversation about it and you might ask a partner if you can guide their hand to show them where/how you enjoy the touch. Also consider choosing positions that allow for this kind of reach to the glans clitoris.

Watch my demo on Vimeo

Rocking:

76% of women report using this technique

With rocking, penetration stays inside. There isn’t thrusting motion. This allows the glans clitoris to be in constant contact without interrupted stimulation. Some people may call this grinding or other terms. If you are doing this with a partner, one way to “remind” them to keep still might be to wrap your legs around them. This prevents them from moving and allows more grinding and rocking motions by you rather than them (whether you are on the top or on the bottom).

Watch my demo on Instagram

Angling:

88% of women report using this technique

You may be doing this naturally, as it involves rotating, raising, or lowering the hips to adjust where the penis, fingers or toy comes in contact with the clitoral hood or glans clitoris. The distance between the clitoris and vaginal opening varies from woman to woman so there is not a set landmark to gauge from. You might consider using a pillow under your buttocks and experimenting with height and firmness. Another option to try is rounding your back to tuck your pelvis up or putting one leg up. Get creative and try tilting different ways and in different angles for different sensations.

These four techniques identified by OMGYES can really help you to talk about things you want to try or positions you want to use with a partner. Communication is key.

Prefer to listen? Hear Pleasure Techniques on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast

Learn more about these topics
All about the clitoris
The clitoris has a hood
Orgasm questions
Why female arousal takes more than 5 minutes
Talking with a partner about sex
Why vibrators work for women
Guide to lube

Listen: 'How to Navigate Sex During Pregnancy' on the Mamas in Training Podcast

I was delighted to join Jessica Lorion on the Mamas in Training Podcast for a two-part series on all things Sex, Pregnancy and Postpartum.

This rich conversation goes far beyond whether sex during pregnancy is safe. I encourage listeners to rethink desire, intimacy, and sexual activity in new and different ways.

One frequently asked question I address in this episode:

What if I don’t desire sex or my partner doesn’t desire sex during pregnancy?

Here’s a clip from the show notes: “We often think about sex in a very narrow way and Cindy shows us how to shift our mindset and communicate with our partners. Oftentimes during pregnancy and postpartum, our bodies can feel like a machine, or it can begin to feel foreign to us, so how do we check back in and find that sexual desire again? Your relationship doesn’t have to suffer during this time and there are ways to navigate this tricky subject that Cindy gives us in this episode.”

This was one of my favorite podcast interviews to date. Give it a listen via the links below.

Talking with a partner about sex

Does talking about sex feel like speaking a language you don’t know?

Good communication is one of the keys to a nourishing relationship. Talking about the topic of sex is one area where many people seriously struggle to have open conversation. Most people grow up with a lot of silence about sex and so it may be like a language you never learned.

The fact is that it is absolutely normal to have to discuss and negotiate the many facets of sex.

So while it may not always be comfortable or easy, it is normal and needed. Good communication and good sex go together and can lead to a lot more pleasure!

And here is the good news - talking about sex is a language you can learn! Just like any foreign language, it takes practice. The more you practice, the easier it gets.

Do these common responses sound familiar to you?

“I view a discussion about sex as threatening to myself or fear it will feel threatening to my partner, it is easier to say nothing, than to take the risk”

“ I don’t want to hurt my partner’s feelings, so I don’t speak up”  

“ I believe if my partner really loves me or cares about me, they will know what I like and want.”

“ I wonder what my partner is open to trying or into but I am afraid to ask”

“ What used to work before, doesn’t work anymore, how do I tell my partner”

I hear these kind of comments often, so if they resonate with you, you are not alone!

Here are some tips that might help get you started having healthy conversations about sex.

Basic Communication Strategies and Starters

Start the conversation with something positive, “I really love it when...” Then suggest what you want, “I would enjoy more….” Follow that with a specific example, “I think it would be a turn on if we….” Then ask for their feedback, “What do you think would be fun to try?”

Begin sentences with “I” instead of “You” For example: “I’ve noticed some things about my body and how it responds during sex and I want to share that with you” instead of “You aren’t doing what my body needs to get aroused.”

To gather more information and gain understanding, Say things like “tell me more about that…” or repeat what you THINK you heard them say and clarify that you heard accurately what they were trying to communicate.

Have conversations about sex out of the bedroom (not right before or during sex) - perhaps while you are driving in the car together or taking a walk. A neutral location.

Better not to “surprise” your partner, but rather, tell them ahead you want to talk about sex and ask to set up a time to do so.

Practice what you want to say ahead of time. Think through how to communicate in a way that your partner will hear and understand. Is there an example or demonstration to make things more clear?

Tackle one topic at a time. It is better to address one thing at a time and have ongoing short conversations rather than everything all at once.

Give answer options.⁣ ⁣ Sometimes this helps spark a healthy discussion⁣ when one of you wants to try something new ⁣ (new position, place, toy, technique etc...)⁣ Answer options: Yes. No. Maybe⁣ or Thumbs up. Thumbs down. So-So⁣

Start with simple vocabulary words such as: Harder ~ Softer ~ Deeper ~ Faster ~ Slower ~ Stop ~ Up ~ Down ~ Left ~ Right.

To learn more:
Read a book on sex together to help open up conversations.
Listen together to these episodes on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast:
Communication, Couples and Sex
Talking About Sex (when things aren’t great)
Want Better Sex? Ask Yourself These Questions
Sexual Communication

Can Women Be Multiorgasmic? How Can I Experience Multiple Orgasms?

Question: “I’ve read a lot about women having multiple orgasms at a time. Is that a real thing? How can I achieve multiple orgasms at one time?”

Yes! women can be multi-orgasmic

Multi-orgasmic means capable of having more than one orgasm in a single sexual session. While women have the capacity to be multi-orgasmic, not every woman experiences them nor desires them. The available research suggests approximately 15% of women report experiencing multiple orgasms and there is also a broad range of how women describe their experiences. Multi-orgasmic women would attest that allowing yourself to experience multiple orgasms requires not only a good understanding of your own body and how you function sexually, but a good amount of practice as well.

Whether you experience one orgasm at a time or more in one setting — you are normal!

Orgasm is something you allow to happen.

Often women need an adjustment in their mindset from achieve to allow. This may help with recognizing and experiencing pleasure and that alone is a win. If the orgasms keep coming, well …. even more reason to celebrate. (More on orgasm here.)

Women have a large area of erectile tissue included in the whole clitoral network. All of that network is available to be activated with stimulation if there is adequate arousal. After experiencing an orgasm, the resolution phase (lowering of arousal) is a slower process for women. So, if arousal is maintained post initial climax, women can have the ability to build up to orgasm again and again in the same sexual session. Certainly, people may take a rest or pause, however they don’t allow enough time to significantly lower their level of arousal.

Keep in mind that it helps to be open to various forms of stimulation and ways to orgasm if you are wanting to experiment with understanding your body and how it can build up to orgasm more than once. Female bodies are able to experience many different kinds or types of orgasms depending on where and how the clitoral network or other erogenous zones are being stimulated.

(To learn more listen ‘The Key to Female Pleasure’)

Each orgasm may feel differently — this is normal.

Multi-orgasmic women describe making use of varied pleasure zones as well as forms of stimulation. So, while some people may be more prone than others to experience multiple orgasms, another factor that might come into play is one’s openness to what sex can look like. For example: oral stimulation; manual (self or partnered) stimulation; sensual touch and nipple play; penetration; pleasure techniques with penetration; stimulation to your G-spot, vibrators and changing of positions - all these variations are options for stimulating all the parts of the clitoris and other pleasure sensitive areas. Again, realistically it may take time for you to learn to recognize your response to various stimulation and what you enjoy and find pleasure in. Yes, that’s my encouragement for practice!

Be attentive to your most important sex organ!

Your brain is your most important sex organ. Mentally focus on pleasure and sensation rather than a goal of becoming multi-orgasmic. This is a healthy mindset that can help you in the allowing of climax. Intentionally engage your sensuality - what sparks or arouses sexual feelings or desire. Tune into your senses, this activates your sexual excitement system which you want to keep fired up to maintain arousal.

If having multiple orgasms is something you are curious about, and you are having partnered sex, talk about your desire together. You may also want to investigate these four techniques that women use to increase their pleasure with penetration. Communication is essential as you mutually explore.

* A note about males and multi-orgasm. While they may have the capacity to be multi-orgasmic, many don’t investigate this. For most men, climax usually involves ejaculation, (multi-orgasmic men often learn to experience orgasm without ejaculation). After ejaculation, the lowering of arousal phase (called refractory phase) is fast for men — much quicker than for women. Many men are unable to immediately become physically aroused again. From the research, we find that while males have the capacity to experience more than one orgasm in a sexual session, few have the desire to gain the needed self-control training required to experience it.
Curious? Listen to this episode: Can Men Be Mulit-orgasmic?