Listen: 'How to Navigate Sex During Pregnancy' on the Mamas in Training Podcast
Listen in on one of my favorite conversations about navigating sex during pregnancy on the Mamas in Training podcast.
I was delighted to join Jessica Lorion on the Mamas in Training Podcast for a two-part series on all things Sex, Pregnancy and Postpartum.
This rich conversation goes far beyond whether sex during pregnancy is safe. I encourage listeners to rethink desire, intimacy, and sexual activity in new and different ways.
One frequently asked question I address in this episode:
What if I don’t desire sex or my partner doesn’t desire sex during pregnancy?
Here’s a clip from the show notes: “We often think about sex in a very narrow way and Cindy shows us how to shift our mindset and communicate with our partners. Oftentimes during pregnancy and postpartum, our bodies can feel like a machine, or it can begin to feel foreign to us, so how do we check back in and find that sexual desire again? Your relationship doesn’t have to suffer during this time and there are ways to navigate this tricky subject that Cindy gives us in this episode.”
This was one of my favorite podcast interviews to date. Give it a listen via the links below.
Book Review: Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire, by Lori Brotto, PhD.
Do you want to know how sexual desire works and how it can be cultivated? Dr. Lori Brotto shares the research-based truths about desire that might literally transform your sex life!
“Attention training through mindfulness may be part of the recipe for cooking up sexual desire.”
Do you want to know how sexual desire works and how it can be cultivated? Dr. Lori Brotto, a professor, researcher, and psychologist shares the research-based truth about female desire in this book.
If you thought it was all about the hormones, think again! Brotto says, “Mood, sense of well-being, body image, self-esteem, and how a woman feels about her partner turned out to be far stronger predictors of her level of sexual desire than a single hormone.” She goes on to give many examples to help the reader understand how these elements in a woman’s life have an impact on desire.
What I appreciate about Lori Brotto is her ability to share all the best that science and research have to offer, in language every one of us can understand and apply for ourselves. Furthermore, in this book she offers practical tools and exercises that have been proven to help you transform your sex life.
Brotto’s studies have shown that paying attention during sex is a key factor in sexual arousal while inattention is a major inhibitor of a healthy sexual response. Our minds are busy, stressed and constantly multi-tasking. While it may seem obvious, we often forget that this does not bode well for our sex lives.
How do we pay more attention, and be more present during sex?
According to the research, Brotto says one way proven to help is “attention training through mindfulness.” What is mindfulness exactly? It is about “fully inhabiting the present moment, without trying to change anything. It involves a complete acceptance of who you are and what your experience is--without judgment,” says the author.
If the idea of mindfulness feels weird or difficult to you, this book offers a hopeful guide that will walk you through giving yourself permission to pay more attention with gentleness, and without judging yourself. Brotto offers easy to follow practices for all those interested in moving along the path to a healthy cultivation of their desire.
To hear Lori Brotto speak about desire, listen to the Permission for Pleasure Podcast episode 27.
Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.
Your Accelerator & Brake
There is a dual sexual control system at work in your brain. It includes both an accelerator and a brake. Think of like it like turn OFF’s and turn ON’s.
YOUR DUAL CONTROL SYSTEM
Your brain and its two part sexual control system
There is a dual sexual control system at work in your brain. It includes an accelerator and a brake.
A lot of people think there might be something wrong with their accelerator or their on.
More often, the issues are with your brake or off’s.
Investigate what pushes your brake.
Scheduling Sex
Reasons why you should put sex on the calendar.
WHY SCHEDULING SEX IS A GOOD THING
Understanding Your Desire Style For Better Sex
If more couples understood the concept of desire styles, there could be a lot less conflict and a lot more sex!
DO YOU FIGHT ABOUT SEX IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? YOU’RE NOT ALONE.
One of most common arguments among couples is how often they’re having sex. Frequently, it comes down to one partner wanting sex more than the other. This can lead to trouble in the bedroom -- and relationship. If more couples understood the concept of desire styles, there could be a lot less conflict and a lot more sex!
A desire style is the way in which you experience an interest to have sex.
Desire is not a drive, like hunger. Sexual desire actually works more like curiosity. Think of it like this: What has to happen for you to be motivated to have sex? It is also important to understand that there is a difference between desire and arousal. Desire is your motivation to want to have sex, while arousal is your mind and body’s physical response.
The truth about sexual desire is that there is more than one way to experience it.
It is normal for partners to have mismatched styles.
Here’s one example: Some of you can walk into the kitchen and just the sight of your lover’s butt as they’re bent over the dishwasher sparks a desire to have sex. Others of you may be thinking, “Really? That does nothing for me.” But for those of you in the latter group, what if you saw that your partner had loaded that dishwasher when it wasn’t their turn? You go to kiss them and say thank you. They do that thing with their tongue up the side of your neck. Does that do something for you?
Having mismatched desire styles doesn’t mean something is “broken” in one partner.
It just means you’re different. However, conflict can arise when couples lack understanding about how each partner experiences desire. The key here is communication. When you understand your partner’s style -- and they understand yours -- you can accommodate each other in a blended sex life.
So, let’s get curious about the three desire styles:
Spontaneous Desire
Some people experience desire first then arousal. This is called spontaneous desire. How this might look: You encounter your partner taking off a piece of clothing and that sparks your desire to have sex, which leads to arousal. This person wants and desires sex quickly or seemingly “out of the blue.” About 15% of women and 75% of men have spontaneous desire. Pretty big discrepancy, right? If couples understood this statistic alone, there could be a lot less fighting about sex.
Responsive Desire
If you experience responsive desire, then your mind and body need to be aroused before you desire to have sex. How this might look: You are kissing your partner, and they are touching you in the way you like best. You weren’t thinking about sex before, but now you find yourself interested. Basically, you need more than just your partner standing in front of you with their shirt off. About 30% of women and 5% of men have responsive desire.
Combination Desire
Many people experience both spontaneous and responsive desire. It just depends on context. How this might look: One day, you and your partner have been texting sexy messages back and forth all day. When they walk in the door, you jump into their arms -- immediately ready to have sex. In this context, sexual desire feels spontaneous. On another day, you may be reading on the couch when your partner comes up and touches you in a way that causes your body to respond -- leading to motivation for sex. In this relaxed context, sexual desire feels responsive. About half of all women and quite a few men experience desire this way.
Something to keep in mind: Desire styles can change -- over time and according to context.
What worked for you early on may not work now.
Desire is influenced by many factors, including hormones, exhaustion, stress, medical conditions, past trauma and relationship conflict, to name a few.
As we age, we naturally move into more responsive desire, so it is crucial to understand this style to keep sexually connected if/when spontaneity no longer works (if it ever did!).
This isn’t a one-time discussion with your partner.
Stay curious, and keep the conversation going.
FOUR ACTION STEPS
Talk about your desire style with your partner. Even better, read this blog out loud and discuss how it relates to your sexual relationship.
Take some time alone and ask yourself questions such as: What stimulates and arouses me? What makes me feel sexual? What draws me toward touching? Then find a time to share your responses with your partner.
Discuss sexual frequency. Talking about how often you would like to have sex is normal. Particularly for couples who have mismatched desire styles, it can be helpful to come to an agreement that you’re both comfortable with. Another idea: Schedule sex dates to look forward to together.
Listen to these episodes about desire on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast by yourself or with your partner to open the conversation.
Using Your Senses For Pleasure
Looking for some foreplay ideas? Use all your senses to increase your pleasure, fun, and arousal!
Our brain has a sexual excitement system that uses our senses to scan around for sexually relevant stimuli. This system is always working under our conscious level. I want to encourage the idea of consciously activating this system, by using your senses and imagination with intentionality. When we use our mind and engage our senses, we send signals to our brain to “tune in” and those signals can then help press the “on” button to stimulate arousal.
Here are some very simple ideas to spark your thinking and get you started. Get curious and try one thing that brings a new element into your lovemaking. Again the idea is to activate your senses with intention. Keep in mind my friends that sex doesn’t have to be serious and precious all the time. It can be playful, fun and make you laugh together as well. Keep the focus on pleasure!
SEE
Turn the lights on or use a dimmer switch for soft light
Use candlelight
Watch yourself or your partner in a mirror
Use a blindfold
Keep your clothes on
Keep one piece of clothing/shoes on
Dance for your partner, have your partner dance for you
SMELL
Candle & Aromatherapy: here are a few researched options to consider: Sandalwood, Jasmine, Peppermint, Lavender, Ylang ylang, Pumpkin (for men), Almond (for women), Vanilla, Licorice, Cinnamon, Basil, Citrus
Scented lube or scented body massage oil or scented massage candle (Maude’s are lovely)
Scented bathing products
TASTE
Feed each other
Create and enjoy a fruit feast on your body or your partner’s body,
Share a mint back and forth as you kiss, or chocolate or another treat
Edible lube
Edible massage oil
HEAR
Create a sexy playlist: choose songs with rhythms that feel erotic to you or with words that resonate for you and your partner, make the list together if possible
Play ocean waves or raindrops on a sound machine (or whatever sound feels romantic)
Choose a “sex song” or two or three - when you hear the song let your mind engage with sexual thoughts of your partner. Send the song to your lover when you are thinking of them.
Tell your partner out loud what you like, communicate your pleasure, make some noise
TOUCH
All over the body not just the genitals
Try this pleasure touch exercise
Massage each other
Feathers for light touching
Scarves for drawing along your body or touching through the silky fabric
Dabble with temperature play using hot and cold sensations
IMAGINE
Acknowledge your fantasies in your own mind
Share fantasies with one another
Act out fantasies or dip a toe into role play
Bring to mind memories of passionate sexual encounters you have had. These can be erotic keepsakes that you can open and replay in your mind
Remind your partner of pleasurable and hot sex you have had together. Share the details as sexy foreplay
*Some of the links are “affiliate links,” a link with a special tracking code. This means if you click on an affiliate link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission.
Book Review: Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D
Come As You Are is one of the best books I have read on women and sex.
Come As You Are is one the best books written on women and sex.
Dr. Emily Nagoski had me hooked in the introduction. “For a long time in Western science and medicine, women’s sexuality was viewed as Men’s Sexuality Lite -- basically the same but not quite as good,” she writes. “For instance, it was just sort of assumed that since men have orgasms during penis-in-vagina sex (intercourse), women should have orgasms with intercourse too, and if they don’t, it’s because they’re broken. In reality, about 30 percent of women orgasm reliably with intercourse. The other 70 percent sometimes, rarely, or never orgasm with intercourse, and they’re all healthy and normal.”
I mean COME ON!
I am all-in for this read! I know from over 33 years of working with women, that many do not know this fundamental statistic and understanding this can be a pleasure gamechanger!
Dr. Nagoski, Ph.D, draws on her vast experience as both an educator and researcher to break down the newest science on women and sex. She spells things out in a way you can both understand and put to use immediately. I really appreciate her writing style, which is informative but also delightfully sassy and caring -- the combination makes her easy to read.
“You Are Normal”
This is Nagoski’s mantra. And it is the one message so many women need to hear. Also reinforced is the vital role your brain plays as your biggest sex organ, and why. Included within each section are interactive activities, exercises, worksheets, and example stories of both gay and straight women.
Through the research presented, a few things you will learn include: the “partnerships of accelerator and brakes” within sexual response (with ideas about “Turning On the Ons, Turning Off the Off’s”); facts about responsive desire and sexual arousal; and how context (your environment and mental state) influence response. Any one of these concepts might be life-changing for a woman’s understanding of sex and their own body.
Dr. Nagoski’s goal is one I heartily share: “Improve your relationship with your own sexuality.”
Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.