10 Ideas To Help You Explore Being a Sexual Person (No Masturbation Required)

In a recent Q & A someone asked me,

“How can you value yourself sexually besides through masturbation?”

This is a beautiful example of someone being sexually curious. They feel a desire to value or appreciate themselves as a sexual being.

Self-touching or masturbation is one healthy way to be sexual, but is certainly not the only way. You can be sexual outside of masturbating. Being an evolving sexual person is more than the act of having sex!

10 ideas to help you explore being a sexual person, and none of them involve Masturbation

• Think of yourself as a sexual being. If this is new for you, begin to see and acknowledge yourself as sexual. Even say it out loud to yourself to get comfortable with this natural and normal part of you. Read my letter to young women or explore this more in my book Permission for Pleasure: Tending Your Sexual Garden

• Explore your sexual ethic. Ask yourself questions like the following: What is your attitude about sex? What are your values around sex? What matters to you? What does sex mean to you? Try not to compare to others or media. Investigate and re-evaluate attitudes that may no longer be serving you. Considering journaling if it helps, or talk with a trusted friend.

• Get curious about what feels sexual to you and where you feel that in your body. Arousal can come from things other than touch such as your imagination or something that you see. What sparks signs of arousal and do you recognize them in your brain and body? These are normal questions to ask yourself as an ongoing conversation through the seasons of your life.

• Use your senses to engage with pleasure - embrace your sensuality. What sounds, sights, smells, tastes, non-sexual touches feel pleasurable in your body? How might you intentionally engage your senses to experience more pleasure. Here is a blog with specific ideas.

• Express yourself and your sexual energy through movement or dance. Use music or quiet, wear clothes or don’t, move with other’s or alone. Allow yourself the freedom to move and be fully present in your body. Not as a performance, just for you alone. Then, pause and ask yourself what that energy feels like and where it is moving within your body.

• Pursue non-sexual touch that feels comfortable to you. For example: stroke your arm, hug yourself, massage your scalp, circle your palm with your fingers, dry brush your skin. Close your eyes and notice the sensations you feel. Can you describe them?

• Make yourself a sensual playlist. Find songs that make you feel things in your body, spark curiosity or prompt desires. As you listen, pay attention to what it is you think or feel. Add and delete songs over time and as you change. Take it a step further by adding movement.

• Eye gaze with yourself in the mirror. Communicate care and tenderness to yourself through your gaze. Speak affirmations over yourself without vocal words – just using your eyes. Offer affirmations about your body, your mind, your sensuality —all of you!

• Begin a mindfulness practice. Take a few minutes every day to get quiet, breathe, and pay attention to the present moment without judgement. Practice keeping your mind in the present with your body. Learn more in Dr. Brotto’s book, or listen to our conversation together in this two-part episode on the podcast.

• Be in community with others who talk about sexual topics in a healthy way. Find a friend that is open to conversations or come over to my podcast community — a safe place to listen and learn along with others all around the world. Have your book club read my book and discuss it. I’ll even join you on zoom for a little Q & A!

Make Some Noise During Sex

For many years I worked as a Labor and Delivery nurse, helping to guide strong women through their birth experiences. I was surprised to find that in the midst of doing this incredible work of birthing their child, they were censoring themselves and trying to keep silent. This did not serve them well in the intense work and whole body experience of labor. I was always encouraging mothers to moan and groan or make whatever noise release felt good for them, as they worked with their bodies to bring their babies into the world.

It often took quite a bit of coaxing to get the women to vocalize. They didn’t feel it was acceptable or okay for them to make noise. This is because so many women have been conditioned to be silent or to be quiet in general. And not just with pain and discomfort, but also when their bodies are in movement, action or pleasure.

This idea parallels with sex.

Women often censor themselves in their experience with pleasure and passion by not giving themselves the freedom to make noise. It is natural and normal to be vocal with the sensations you experience during sex. Allowing your body to express itself audibly can be powerful and usher in more erotic energy.

Explore the idea of allowing yourself to connect your voice with the feelings in your body.

Give yourself the freedom to express what your body is experiencing. This may also help you be more present in your body.

The term for this is copulatory vocalizations.

Scientists have found that sexual noises may enhance pleasure. Pleasure is not something that you must keep silent about, it is not a secret you have to keep! Additionally, making noise may also serve as non-verbal communication and positive reinforcement with a partner. So…

Moan, Scream, Talk, Whisper, Sigh, Groan, Cry, Hum…

Get curious about giving yourself permission to make some noise.

Pleasurable Touch Exercise

PLEASURABLE TOUCH

Often, we give touch the way we want to receive it. Our partner may enjoy touch differently than we do since everyone does not receive touch the same way.
It is important to communicate to your partner how and where you enjoy being touched.
Also, it is important to ask your partner how and where they enjoy being touched.

If you know each other extremely well, the exercise below may play out differently than if you are new to each other. Either way - have fun, listen well, communicate honestly and enjoy intentionally giving and receiving touch with each other.

This is a wonderful exercise to do regularly as a couple. We change, and pleasure in how we receive touch can also change.

TOUCHING SESSION

• Take turns touching each other’s bodies all over

• Start at the feet or head, and then move over the whole body, everywhere but the genitals

• Tell each other how and where touch is most pleasurable for you

• Listen and take note of what your partner says

• Use a simple rating system that feels comfortable for you to communicate levels of pleasure

  • 0-5 (0 = doesn’t really do anything for me, 5 = that’s my favorite)

  • Humming or murmuring quietly to loudly

  • Simply saying yes, no or maybe

• Fun options

  • Use massage oil or a massage candle for the touch session (check out products from Maude use code CINDY10 and Coconu use code PLEASURE)

  • Blindfold the partner receiving touch

  • At another time, use the information you gathered here first to touch your partner in all the places they find pleasurable and then include the genitals

*I may earn a small commission if you purchase products from my links. I choose carefully and only recommend products for their quality, performance, and overall reputation, regardless of any affiliate relationship.

Create a Sexy Playlist

Music is proven to have a very powerful effect on our behavior. It is also known to increase our focus. Did you know you can use your sense of hearing to increase arousal and desire?

Your brain uses your senses to notice and pay attention to things that turn you on. By connecting with music intentionally and sensually, you can activate the sexual excitement center in your brain.

In this way:

Music can be a potent aphrodisiac.

Music also has a way of cementing a memory and it can be a sexy positive one. Think about it, have you ever associated a memory or feeling with a particular song? For example, “that song” was the first song we danced to, or “that song” was playing when I first kissed someone, or “that song” reminds me of my favorite road trip. Being intentional with music can be a fun and creative way to make sensual connections. For you alone, or for you and a partner.

creating a Sexy Playlist.

Here are a few ideas to get you started with your playlist to trigger your sensuality and arousal:

1. As you hear songs that tickle your fancy note them down. Choose songs with rhythms that feel erotic to you or with words that resonate for you. 

2. Start with one song and intentionally play it and dance to it - alone, being mindful of connecting your body and mind with the song and the imagery it brings.

3. Think back to songs in the past that evoke positive sensual memories for you.

4. Tell yourself truths as you hear these songs like, “I am a sexual human,” “It is normal for me to have sexual thoughts and feelings,” “This feels good to me,” “My body is beautiful.”

5. Combine fantasies with songs on your playlist.

Further steps for a shared playlist with your partner

1. Share the song or songs with them; communicate how it makes you FEEL. 

2. When you hear the songs let your mind engage with sexual thoughts of your partner.

3. Text your lover when you hear the song and use a “code” word or emoji you have decided on together. Or send them a snippet of the song to let them know you are thinking about them.

4. When the song comes on and others (or kids) are present, turn to each other and wink or link fingers or lean in for a quick kiss.

5. Begin making a list together of songs that you BOTH enjoy and feel sensual to you as a couple. Have fun adding songs one by one.

6. Play your sexy playlist when you have scheduled a time to be sexual together.

7. Play the list when you want to awaken your arousal in anticipation of a scheduled sex date.

8. Play the list to signal to your partner, without words that you would LIKE sexual time together.

Listen to more ideas in Episode 22 of the Permission for Pleasure Podcast: Date Ideas