Book Review: Yes, Your Kid by Debby Herbenick, PhD

When I asked Debby Herbenick why she wrote this book. She said, “Parents need an update!” 

As a parent, sex educator and researcher, Herbenick says that, “Most of the sex education books for parents were written in the before times.” Not only were they written before current social media, but also before the internet as it is today with widely accessible pornography. There are some stark differences in the sexual lives of modern teenagers and young adults, and parents need to know about this sexual landscape in order to help their kids navigate it.

This book provides parents education around topics such as: taking and sharing sexual images, sexting, birth control, anal sex, pornography, STI’s and even includes a packing list for your college student. I appreciated the author’s detailed research and statistics, as well as her practical tips on talking to different aged children appropriately. Also included are some role play scenarios for parents to demonstrate how they can respond to questions and keep the doors open for further conversations with their kids.

The rise and mainstreaming of rough sex is one of the most profound changes that Herbenick wants parents to know about. I was so compelled by what she wrote in the book that I invited her to be a guest on the podcast. As she says in the book, “Today’s version of rough sex is different than you may think—more aggressive and riskier, and often with little or no communication between partners.” Listen in to hear us talk more about this topic (especially choking) in episode 91 that drops July 10th. 

If you are a parent of a tween, teen or young adult, I highly recommend this book as an excellent resource.

Buy on Amazon

Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.

Do Women Ejaculate? What Is Squirting?

I often get asked these questions, and yes, women can ejaculate. Some women are aware that they do, though some may ejaculate without being aware of it. Both are normal. Ejaculating is not necessary for women to experience pleasure and it is not like what is portrayed in porn. There is no benefit to pressuring yourself to ejaculate, nor should you be expected to by a partner.

How it happens

The pair of glands on either side of the urethra (the hole where urine or pee exits the body) are called Skene’s glands. These glands can secrete a small amount of fluid during sexual activity. The amount would be approximately 1-2ml or a few drops of fluid - not a large amount. This is ejaculate. It is not urine, and it doesn’t squirt or project any distance. Usually it dribbles out, which is why many women may not be aware that it is happening. 

What about squirting?

There remains a lot of controversy and misunderstanding about squirting and the existing research on the subject is limited. Much of what people know about squirting comes from pornography or videos in which people are acting and performing. Most of what we see in these spaces is entertainment and unrealistic. 

Across women who report that they squirt, there is quite a bit of variance in how they describe it. The amount of fluid involved varies as well. Some report a few drops, others up to half a cup or more. This fluid comes from the urethra, not the vagina. It is watery, not slippery. There is discrepancy about what is included in the fluid and the scientific debate continues. The fluid comes through the urethra, so while it isn’t urine, it likely contains traces of urine and possibly a combination of other fluids.

For women who squirt, it results from firm stimulation to the urethral sponge either with fingers or a toy. The urethral sponge is a spongy cylinder packed with erectile tissue that surrounds the urethra. This is located above the roof of the vagina. This erectile tissue becomes engorged with blood and swells during arousal. Although the research on the subject is currently lacking, there is lots of correlation in how women report stimulation to the G-spot area, and squirting.

While squirting may happen with orgasm, one may occur without the other. For some it is associated with pleasure, and for others it’s not.

Pleasure is your guide

As you investigate sexual techniques, remember to let pleasure be your guide. Putting pressure on yourself or being pressured by a partner to achieve a certain goal creates an atmosphere of performance. This can lead to sexual shame, frustration, and decreased desire. Focus on enjoying the sex you are having, explore with mutual consent and allow yourself to be curious about experiencing more pleasure!

Make Some Noise During Sex

For many years I worked as a Labor and Delivery nurse, helping to guide strong women through their birth experiences. I was surprised to find that in the midst of doing this incredible work of birthing their child, they were censoring themselves and trying to keep silent. This did not serve them well in the intense work and whole body experience of labor. I was always encouraging mothers to moan and groan or make whatever noise release felt good for them, as they worked with their bodies to bring their babies into the world.

It often took quite a bit of coaxing to get the women to vocalize. They didn’t feel it was acceptable or okay for them to make noise. This is because so many women have been conditioned to be silent or to be quiet in general. And not just with pain and discomfort, but also when their bodies are in movement, action or pleasure.

This idea parallels with sex.

Women often censor themselves in their experience with pleasure and passion by not giving themselves the freedom to make noise. It is natural and normal to be vocal with the sensations you experience during sex. Allowing your body to express itself audibly can be powerful and usher in more erotic energy.

Explore the idea of allowing yourself to connect your voice with the feelings in your body.

Give yourself the freedom to express what your body is experiencing. This may also help you be more present in your body.

The term for this is copulatory vocalizations.

Scientists have found that sexual noises may enhance pleasure. Pleasure is not something that you must keep silent about, it is not a secret you have to keep! Additionally, making noise may also serve as non-verbal communication and positive reinforcement with a partner. So…

Moan, Scream, Talk, Whisper, Sigh, Groan, Cry, Hum…

Get curious about giving yourself permission to make some noise.

Breaking The Silence

My heart has always been drawn to connecting with women, whether it be family, friends, or patients. I chose to begin my nursing career in labor and delivery more than 30 years ago because helping women was my favorite. I then had three daughters of my own, which basically turned my life and home into all things girls, and more girls!

This long time tug on my soul — to connect with and encourage girls and women — is why I left my nursing clinical position earlier this year to pursue the passion of my heart: to teach and speak to women, especially about sex, intimacy and parenting our children through their growing sexuality. I have been doing this “on the side” for the last three decades, but now I am ALL in!

Throughout my many years in healthcare, I have repeatedly found myself stunned at the silence surrounding women and sex. It's heartbreaking that so many parents remain quiet and uncomfortable having conversations with their children about their bodies and sex. You can often hear me say, “Silence is the enemy” when it comes to sex and sex education. I want to help break that silence!

Every time I speak, many women come up afterward with questions, problems and heartache over their sexual lives. Time and again women of all ages tell me they have never, ever talked to anyone about their concerns, uncertainty, confusion and frustrations concerning sex. There is a vital need for women to have someone to talk to and hear from regarding the right information about how their bodies work as well as the newer science around female sexuality and ways for them to enjoy and experience pleasure.

This is my passion! I want to break the silence with education and conversation — for women and for our children. I want to help move us toward understanding ourselves, seeking answers and obtaining fruitful information. I feel strongly that knowledge leads to confidence. Confidence leads to opening conversations — conversations that matter.

Let’s talk about SEX!