Book Review: Women's Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston CNM, RN, BSN, LMT
If you have a desire to explore taking your pleasure to the next level, this book is for you.
If you have a desire to explore taking your pleasure to the next level, this book is for you. Women’s Anatomy of Arousal won the American Academy of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) Book of the Year in 2010. It’s been around a while and remains a steadfast favorite of many.
Winston’s writing is easy to understand, and she comes across like a more experienced, sensual, big sister. Packed with education on women’s anatomy and physiology, this practical guide includes sections for '‘Play and Practice,” allowing you to get practical with the material.
If you are open to erotic exploration outside the so-called box, you will find this book both enriching and entertaining. Through drawings, art, quotes, and poetry, Winston educates on energy, breathing, a little magic, and a lot of “higher-level, whole-system perspective.”
I thoroughly enjoyed this book and Winston’s “in-depth, illustrated tour of the land of female genitalia, feminine sexuality and the intimate erotic arts.”
***** Highly recommend
Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.
Book Review: Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire, by Lori Brotto, PhD.
Do you want to know how sexual desire works and how it can be cultivated? Dr. Lori Brotto shares the research-based truths about desire that might literally transform your sex life!
“Attention training through mindfulness may be part of the recipe for cooking up sexual desire.”
Do you want to know how sexual desire works and how it can be cultivated? Dr. Lori Brotto, a professor, researcher, and psychologist shares the research-based truth about female desire in this book.
If you thought it was all about the hormones, think again! Brotto says, “Mood, sense of well-being, body image, self-esteem, and how a woman feels about her partner turned out to be far stronger predictors of her level of sexual desire than a single hormone.” She goes on to give many examples to help the reader understand how these elements in a woman’s life have an impact on desire.
What I appreciate about Lori Brotto is her ability to share all the best that science and research have to offer, in language every one of us can understand and apply for ourselves. Furthermore, in this book she offers practical tools and exercises that have been proven to help you transform your sex life.
Brotto’s studies have shown that paying attention during sex is a key factor in sexual arousal while inattention is a major inhibitor of a healthy sexual response. Our minds are busy, stressed and constantly multi-tasking. While it may seem obvious, we often forget that this does not bode well for our sex lives.
How do we pay more attention, and be more present during sex?
According to the research, Brotto says one way proven to help is “attention training through mindfulness.” What is mindfulness exactly? It is about “fully inhabiting the present moment, without trying to change anything. It involves a complete acceptance of who you are and what your experience is--without judgment,” says the author.
If the idea of mindfulness feels weird or difficult to you, this book offers a hopeful guide that will walk you through giving yourself permission to pay more attention with gentleness, and without judging yourself. Brotto offers easy to follow practices for all those interested in moving along the path to a healthy cultivation of their desire.
To hear Lori Brotto speak about desire, listen to the Permission for Pleasure Podcast episode 27.
Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.
Scheduling Sex
Reasons why you should put sex on the calendar.
WHY SCHEDULING SEX IS A GOOD THING
Understanding Your Desire Style For Better Sex
If more couples understood the concept of desire styles, there could be a lot less conflict and a lot more sex!
DO YOU FIGHT ABOUT SEX IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? YOU’RE NOT ALONE.
One of most common arguments among couples is how often they’re having sex. Frequently, it comes down to one partner wanting sex more than the other. This can lead to trouble in the bedroom -- and relationship. If more couples understood the concept of desire styles, there could be a lot less conflict and a lot more sex!
A desire style is the way in which you experience an interest to have sex.
Desire is not a drive, like hunger. Sexual desire actually works more like curiosity. Think of it like this: What has to happen for you to be motivated to have sex? It is also important to understand that there is a difference between desire and arousal. Desire is your motivation to want to have sex, while arousal is your mind and body’s physical response.
The truth about sexual desire is that there is more than one way to experience it.
It is normal for partners to have mismatched styles.
Here’s one example: Some of you can walk into the kitchen and just the sight of your lover’s butt as they’re bent over the dishwasher sparks a desire to have sex. Others of you may be thinking, “Really? That does nothing for me.” But for those of you in the latter group, what if you saw that your partner had loaded that dishwasher when it wasn’t their turn? You go to kiss them and say thank you. They do that thing with their tongue up the side of your neck. Does that do something for you?
Having mismatched desire styles doesn’t mean something is “broken” in one partner.
It just means you’re different. However, conflict can arise when couples lack understanding about how each partner experiences desire. The key here is communication. When you understand your partner’s style -- and they understand yours -- you can accommodate each other in a blended sex life.
So, let’s get curious about the three desire styles:
Spontaneous Desire
Some people experience desire first then arousal. This is called spontaneous desire. How this might look: You encounter your partner taking off a piece of clothing and that sparks your desire to have sex, which leads to arousal. This person wants and desires sex quickly or seemingly “out of the blue.” About 15% of women and 75% of men have spontaneous desire. Pretty big discrepancy, right? If couples understood this statistic alone, there could be a lot less fighting about sex.
Responsive Desire
If you experience responsive desire, then your mind and body need to be aroused before you desire to have sex. How this might look: You are kissing your partner, and they are touching you in the way you like best. You weren’t thinking about sex before, but now you find yourself interested. Basically, you need more than just your partner standing in front of you with their shirt off. About 30% of women and 5% of men have responsive desire.
Combination Desire
Many people experience both spontaneous and responsive desire. It just depends on context. How this might look: One day, you and your partner have been texting sexy messages back and forth all day. When they walk in the door, you jump into their arms -- immediately ready to have sex. In this context, sexual desire feels spontaneous. On another day, you may be reading on the couch when your partner comes up and touches you in a way that causes your body to respond -- leading to motivation for sex. In this relaxed context, sexual desire feels responsive. About half of all women and quite a few men experience desire this way.
Something to keep in mind: Desire styles can change -- over time and according to context.
What worked for you early on may not work now.
Desire is influenced by many factors, including hormones, exhaustion, stress, medical conditions, past trauma and relationship conflict, to name a few.
As we age, we naturally move into more responsive desire, so it is crucial to understand this style to keep sexually connected if/when spontaneity no longer works (if it ever did!).
This isn’t a one-time discussion with your partner.
Stay curious, and keep the conversation going.
FOUR ACTION STEPS
Talk about your desire style with your partner. Even better, read this blog out loud and discuss how it relates to your sexual relationship.
Take some time alone and ask yourself questions such as: What stimulates and arouses me? What makes me feel sexual? What draws me toward touching? Then find a time to share your responses with your partner.
Discuss sexual frequency. Talking about how often you would like to have sex is normal. Particularly for couples who have mismatched desire styles, it can be helpful to come to an agreement that you’re both comfortable with. Another idea: Schedule sex dates to look forward to together.
Listen to these episodes about desire on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast by yourself or with your partner to open the conversation.
Are There Benefits To Morning Sex?
Testosterone and estrogen levels are higher in the morning.
There are a lot of benefits to having morning sex.
Testosterone and estrogen levels are higher in the morning.
You get to start your day with a surge of feel good hormones.
Your energy levels are not depleted.
You aren't losing any sleep or disrupting your sleep schedule.
During REM sleep there is increased blood flow to your genitals (so they are primed and ready).
Sex gets your blood flowing by increasing your heart rate.
If you always have sex at night, the morning light provides something new and different.
For couples with kids, it can feel “kid-proof” if you set your alarm for sex before they get up.
Planning for morning sex allows you to prioritize your physical connection.
Rise and shine!
Learn more on this topic:
3 Tips to Speed up Your Arousal
Desire Styles
The truth about desire is that there is more than one style or pattern.
Feeling desire spontaneously or in advance is not required to express your sexuality in a way you enjoy or to have “good sex.” The truth about desire is that there is more than one style or pattern. It is normal for partners to have mismatched desire styles. It doesn’t mean something is “broken” in one partner.
An important note about desire - it is not a drive (like hunger.) I realize this is all you have heard in popular cultural terminology, however the science proves that wrong. A more accurate way to think of desire is as an “incentive motivation system.” Desire is being pulled toward an outside stimulus that is attractive to us. Desire actually works more like curiosity.
Spontaneous Desire:
Some people experience desire first then arousal. This is called spontaneous desire. About 15 percent of women have spontaneous desire. About 75 percent of men have spontaneous desire. How this looks: one partner encounters sexually relevant stimuli and that sparks desire leading to arousal. This person wants sex “out of the blue.”
Responsive Desire:
Some people experience arousal first then desire. This is called responsive desire. About 30 percent of women have responsive desire. About 5 percent of men have responsive desire. How this looks: one partner is thinking, “I’m not in the mood,” or doesn’t particularly feel desire for sex/intimacy but once they get touching or kissing or cuddling and tune into the connection, they can enjoy it. Basically this person wants sex when something erotic is already happening; they need a compelling reason other than just an attractive person in front of them.
Combination Desire:
Some people experience arousal with a combination of both styles. The big decisive factor involved is - context. About half of all women experience desire this way. How this looks: If you are content and not stressed and your partner touches you and becomes affectionate and you respond in that relaxed context with responsive desire - OR - you have been texting sexy messages back and forth with your partner all day and you see each other after work, kiss hello, and you immediately jump into their arms. In this context, sexual desire feels spontaneous.
Tips and Strategies
* For those with responsive desire, if you put off sex until you “feel desire” you will be having a lot less sex.
* The more sex you have, often the more responsive you will be and the more you will enjoy it.
* Desire styles can change and shift in our lifetime and according to context so understanding responsive desire is crucial for keeping sexually connected if/when spontaneity no longer works (if it ever did!)
* Desire is influenced by many factors, including hormones, exhaustion, stress, medical conditions, past trauma and relationship conflict - to name a few.
* Stay curious, change things up, introduce novelty or an element of mystery, and alternate intensity to increase sexual desire.
* Tune into yourself and ask questions such as: What makes me feel sensuous? What stimulates and arouses me? What makes me feel sexual? What draws me toward touching?
* Talk about desire styles with your partner, read this blog out loud together, discuss how this looks for your sexual relationship and to better understand one another.
* If you and your partner have mismatched desire styles, talk together about “negotiating” sexual frequency. This may sound strange, but if you are in a trusting relationship, many couples find this works well. Be honest, compromise and come to an understanding and agreement about frequency that you both can be comfortable with.
Book Review: Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D
Come As You Are is one of the best books I have read on women and sex.
Come As You Are is one the best books written on women and sex.
Dr. Emily Nagoski had me hooked in the introduction. “For a long time in Western science and medicine, women’s sexuality was viewed as Men’s Sexuality Lite -- basically the same but not quite as good,” she writes. “For instance, it was just sort of assumed that since men have orgasms during penis-in-vagina sex (intercourse), women should have orgasms with intercourse too, and if they don’t, it’s because they’re broken. In reality, about 30 percent of women orgasm reliably with intercourse. The other 70 percent sometimes, rarely, or never orgasm with intercourse, and they’re all healthy and normal.”
I mean COME ON!
I am all-in for this read! I know from over 33 years of working with women, that many do not know this fundamental statistic and understanding this can be a pleasure gamechanger!
Dr. Nagoski, Ph.D, draws on her vast experience as both an educator and researcher to break down the newest science on women and sex. She spells things out in a way you can both understand and put to use immediately. I really appreciate her writing style, which is informative but also delightfully sassy and caring -- the combination makes her easy to read.
“You Are Normal”
This is Nagoski’s mantra. And it is the one message so many women need to hear. Also reinforced is the vital role your brain plays as your biggest sex organ, and why. Included within each section are interactive activities, exercises, worksheets, and example stories of both gay and straight women.
Through the research presented, a few things you will learn include: the “partnerships of accelerator and brakes” within sexual response (with ideas about “Turning On the Ons, Turning Off the Off’s”); facts about responsive desire and sexual arousal; and how context (your environment and mental state) influence response. Any one of these concepts might be life-changing for a woman’s understanding of sex and their own body.
Dr. Nagoski’s goal is one I heartily share: “Improve your relationship with your own sexuality.”
Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.