24 Conversation Starters and Questions To Help You Talk About Sex With a Partner
Boost your sexual communication skills with these conversation prompts.
Current Favorites
1. What do you most enjoy about our sex life right now?
2. What do I do that really turns you on?
Let’s Do This More
3. Are there things I can do to make sex more pleasurable, fun, or satisfying for you?
4. What are some of the reasons that motivate you to have sex.
5. Is there anything you would like more of during sex?
Consistency & Variety
6. Do you enjoy having sex the same way with some consistency?
7. Do you ever wonder about adding more variety to our sex life?
8. Is there something you imagine us doing sexually that makes your heart race? (even if it isn’t something you want to do in real life)
Changing Interests
9. Is there anything you used to like sexually that has changed for you or no longer turns you on?
10. Was there anything in the past that you were not interested in, that you’re now curious about?
11. How do you feel about the amount of affection we show each other outside of sex? Would you like to see it change? Physically, verbally or in other ways?
Frequency
12. Is there anything you would change about how often we have sex?
13. How often would you ideally like to have sex?
14. How do you feel about scheduling a sex date?
Inviting Intimacy & Play
15. What is something we can do with our bedroom space that would invite more intimacy?
16. Could we play more in the bedroom?
17. What is something that sounds playful or fun to you that we could try?
Senses & Sensual Touch
18. What parts of your body would you like me to touch more?
19. Which of your 5 senses is the most sensitive?
20. How has the way you experience sex in your body changed in the last few years?
21. What are some of my body parts that you find sexy?
Initiation
22. What is your favorite way for me to initiate sex?
23. When you initiate sex and I say no, what feelings come up for you?
24. How would you like me to say no, or not now, when you initiate sex, and I don’t want to?
Understanding Your Desire Style For Better Sex
If more couples understood the concept of desire styles, there could be a lot less conflict and a lot more sex!
DO YOU FIGHT ABOUT SEX IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? YOU’RE NOT ALONE.
One of most common arguments among couples is how often they’re having sex. Frequently, it comes down to one partner wanting sex more than the other. This can lead to trouble in the bedroom -- and relationship. If more couples understood the concept of desire styles, there could be a lot less conflict and a lot more sex!
A desire style is the way in which you experience an interest to have sex.
Desire is not a drive, like hunger. Sexual desire actually works more like curiosity. Think of it like this: What has to happen for you to be motivated to have sex? It is also important to understand that there is a difference between desire and arousal. Desire is your motivation to want to have sex, while arousal is your mind and body’s physical response.
The truth about sexual desire is that there is more than one way to experience it.
It is normal for partners to have mismatched styles.
Here’s one example: Some of you can walk into the kitchen and just the sight of your lover’s butt as they’re bent over the dishwasher sparks a desire to have sex. Others of you may be thinking, “Really? That does nothing for me.” But for those of you in the latter group, what if you saw that your partner had loaded that dishwasher when it wasn’t their turn? You go to kiss them and say thank you. They do that thing with their tongue up the side of your neck. Does that do something for you?
Having mismatched desire styles doesn’t mean something is “broken” in one partner.
It just means you’re different. However, conflict can arise when couples lack understanding about how each partner experiences desire. The key here is communication. When you understand your partner’s style -- and they understand yours -- you can accommodate each other in a blended sex life.
So, let’s get curious about the three desire styles:
Spontaneous Desire
Some people experience desire first then arousal. This is called spontaneous desire. How this might look: You encounter your partner taking off a piece of clothing and that sparks your desire to have sex, which leads to arousal. This person wants and desires sex quickly or seemingly “out of the blue.” About 15% of women and 75% of men have spontaneous desire. Pretty big discrepancy, right? If couples understood this statistic alone, there could be a lot less fighting about sex.
Responsive Desire
If you experience responsive desire, then your mind and body need to be aroused before you desire to have sex. How this might look: You are kissing your partner, and they are touching you in the way you like best. You weren’t thinking about sex before, but now you find yourself interested. Basically, you need more than just your partner standing in front of you with their shirt off. About 30% of women and 5% of men have responsive desire.
Combination Desire
Many people experience both spontaneous and responsive desire. It just depends on context. How this might look: One day, you and your partner have been texting sexy messages back and forth all day. When they walk in the door, you jump into their arms -- immediately ready to have sex. In this context, sexual desire feels spontaneous. On another day, you may be reading on the couch when your partner comes up and touches you in a way that causes your body to respond -- leading to motivation for sex. In this relaxed context, sexual desire feels responsive. About half of all women and quite a few men experience desire this way.
Something to keep in mind: Desire styles can change -- over time and according to context.
What worked for you early on may not work now.
Desire is influenced by many factors, including hormones, exhaustion, stress, medical conditions, past trauma and relationship conflict, to name a few.
As we age, we naturally move into more responsive desire, so it is crucial to understand this style to keep sexually connected if/when spontaneity no longer works (if it ever did!).
This isn’t a one-time discussion with your partner.
Stay curious, and keep the conversation going.
FOUR ACTION STEPS
Talk about your desire style with your partner. Even better, read this blog out loud and discuss how it relates to your sexual relationship.
Take some time alone and ask yourself questions such as: What stimulates and arouses me? What makes me feel sexual? What draws me toward touching? Then find a time to share your responses with your partner.
Discuss sexual frequency. Talking about how often you would like to have sex is normal. Particularly for couples who have mismatched desire styles, it can be helpful to come to an agreement that you’re both comfortable with. Another idea: Schedule sex dates to look forward to together.
Listen to these episodes about desire on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast by yourself or with your partner to open the conversation.
Pleasurable Touch Exercise
Communicate to your partner how and where you enjoy being touched.
PLEASURABLE TOUCH
Often, we give touch the way we want to receive it. Our partner may enjoy touch differently than we do since everyone does not receive touch the same way.
It is important to communicate to your partner how and where you enjoy being touched.
Also, it is important to ask your partner how and where they enjoy being touched.
If you know each other extremely well, the exercise below may play out differently than if you are new to each other. Either way - have fun, listen well, communicate honestly and enjoy intentionally giving and receiving touch with each other.
This is a wonderful exercise to do regularly as a couple. We change, and pleasure in how we receive touch can also change.
TOUCHING SESSION
Take turns touching each other’s bodies all over
Start at the feet or head, and then move over the whole body, everywhere but the genitals
Tell each other how and where touch is most pleasurable for you
Listen and take note of what your partner says
Use a simple rating system that feels comfortable for you to communicate levels of pleasure
0-5 (0 = doesn’t really do anything for me, 5 = that’s my favorite)
Humming or murmuring quietly to loudly
Simply saying yes, no or maybe
Fun options
Use massage oil or a massage candle for the touch session (check out products from Maude use code CINDY10 and Coconu use code PLEASURE)
Blindfold the partner receiving touch
At another time, use the information you gathered here first to touch your partner in all the places they find pleasurable and then include the genitals
*I may earn a small commission if you purchase products from my links. I choose carefully and only recommend products for their quality, performance, and overall reputation, regardless of any affiliate relationship.
When A Partner Wants To Try Something New
My partner wants to try something new in the bedroom. I ‘m not comfortable with it. What now?
Consent - Curiosity - Communication!
“My partner wants to try ______ (fill in the blank) and I am not sure I’m comfortable with that.” “Do I have to do it?” “How do I handle this?”
I field this question so often from women regarding any number of sexual activities. Using the three C’s can help you work through this.
Mutual consent is a non-negotiable
First and foremost, you don't have to do anything you are not comfortable with and your partner should respect your choices. You always have the right to say "No thanks!" It is vitally important that both partners be in agreement regarding whatever they choose to do sexually together.
Also, get curious
Get curious with yourself first. Ask yourself some honest questions about why you feel the way you do about whatever the request is. Are you afraid? Does it gross you out? Have you heard or read things that have influenced you feeling the way you do? Is it possible that fear of failure is an issue for you, if it doesn’t go well? Is there an alternative compromise that you might feel comfortable with?
Next, get curious with your partner. If you are in a trusting relationship and your partner is asking to try something new, ask questions to understand what might be the broader desire behind the request. Is it that they are bored? Want to experiment? Are feeling adventurous? Did they see or hear something that sparked their curiosity? Have they always had a sexual fantasy but never verbalized it?
Communication is key
We are all humans, and humans have sexual desire. It is a normal thing to talk about our sexual desires. Have an honest conversation with one another about your answers to the questions above. This can be really enlightening for both of you and your sexual relationship.
Keep in mind that trying something different, whether it’s a hit or a miss, provides you with new information. This can be super helpful and enriching for your intimacy. If you mutually decide to try something new, here are some questions for consideration afterward.
* Did you enjoy it?
* Did you experience pleasure?
* Did it feel just right?
* Is it just - not what you’re into?
* Did you discover, maybe not that exactly, but...
* Or that’s a yes, but perhaps with this adjustment.
CONSENT! curiousITY! communicatioN!
For more on this topic:
Talking to your partner about sex
Communication, Couples and Sex
Talking About Sex (when things aren’t great)
Sexual Communication
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Talking with a partner about sex
Good communication is one of the keys to a nourishing relationship.
Does talking about sex feel like speaking a language you don’t know?
Good communication is one of the keys to a nourishing relationship. Talking about the topic of sex is one area where many people seriously struggle to have open conversation. Most people grow up with a lot of silence about sex and so it may be like a language you never learned.
The fact is that it is absolutely normal to have to discuss and negotiate the many facets of sex.
So while it may not always be comfortable or easy, it is normal and needed. Good communication and good sex go together and can lead to a lot more pleasure!
And here is the good news - talking about sex is a language you can learn! Just like any foreign language, it takes practice. The more you practice, the easier it gets.
Do these common responses sound familiar to you?
“I view a discussion about sex as threatening to myself or fear it will feel threatening to my partner, it is easier to say nothing, than to take the risk”
“ I don’t want to hurt my partner’s feelings, so I don’t speak up”
“ I believe if my partner really loves me or cares about me, they will know what I like and want.”
“ I wonder what my partner is open to trying or into but I am afraid to ask”
“ What used to work before, doesn’t work anymore, how do I tell my partner”
I hear these kind of comments often, so if they resonate with you, you are not alone!
Here are some tips that might help get you started having healthy conversations about sex.
Basic Communication Strategies and Starters
Start the conversation with something positive, “I really love it when...” Then suggest what you want, “I would enjoy more….” Follow that with a specific example, “I think it would be a turn on if we….” Then ask for their feedback, “What do you think would be fun to try?”
Begin sentences with “I” instead of “You” For example: “I’ve noticed some things about my body and how it responds during sex and I want to share that with you” instead of “You aren’t doing what my body needs to get aroused.”
To gather more information and gain understanding, Say things like “tell me more about that…” or repeat what you THINK you heard them say and clarify that you heard accurately what they were trying to communicate.
Have conversations about sex out of the bedroom (not right before or during sex) - perhaps while you are driving in the car together or taking a walk. A neutral location.
Better not to “surprise” your partner, but rather, tell them ahead you want to talk about sex and ask to set up a time to do so.
Practice what you want to say ahead of time. Think through how to communicate in a way that your partner will hear and understand. Is there an example or demonstration to make things more clear?
Tackle one topic at a time. It is better to address one thing at a time and have ongoing short conversations rather than everything all at once.
Give answer options. Sometimes this helps spark a healthy discussion when one of you wants to try something new (new position, place, toy, technique etc...) Answer options: Yes. No. Maybe or Thumbs up. Thumbs down. So-So
Start with simple vocabulary words such as: Harder ~ Softer ~ Deeper ~ Faster ~ Slower ~ Stop ~ Up ~ Down ~ Left ~ Right.
To learn more:
Read a book on sex together to help open up conversations.
Listen together to these episodes on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast:
Communication, Couples and Sex
Talking About Sex (when things aren’t great)
Want Better Sex? Ask Yourself These Questions
Sexual Communication