Exploring Your Perspective Of Pleasure

How do you feel about pleasure?

Exploring Your Perspective of Pleasure

Did you grow up with education around how your body experiences pleasure? The combination of cultural messaging, lack of education and silence all factor into shaping our perception of sexual desire, as well as our ability to allow ourselves physical pleasure.

There is no shame in desiring, enjoying and experiencing pleasure with sex. 

More than likely, you don’t often see a woman depicted in a movie who enjoys and pursues sex for the pleasure of it. Even more unusual is a woman portrayed who desires sex because she wants to be pleased, instead of being desperate to please.

The exercise of understanding the messaging you have taken in around pleasure is important for your overall sexual health and ability to pursue pleasure. Investigate what your internal voice says and what you have come to believe about pleasure. Take some time with the statements below and ask yourself questions such as:

“Do I believe this?” or “Do I tell myself this?” 

• Sex is a performance for someone else.

• My partner’s pleasure and satisfaction are what matters most.

• Sex is not for my pleasure

• My sexual pleasure is wrong, not allowed or doesn’t matter.

• I am a vehicle for pleasure; I can’t receive it.

• My pleasure is a bonus, not a focus of intimacy.

• My partner is responsible for my pleasure.

After working through these questions, decide for yourself what holds true and what doesn’t. You have permission to throw out ideas you no longer believe and grab onto new ones.

You can give yourself - permission for pleasure!

Learn more on this topic:
Are you having sex worth wanting?
Permission for Pleasure Podcast
My letter to young women
10 ways to be sexual without masturbating

4 Techniques Women Use To Increase Pleasure With Penetration

While there are a percentage of women who sometimes orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, most of the women I have talked to over three decades as a nurse say that they cannot or rarely do.

You are normal if you do or don’t!

I want to share 4 techniques women use to increase their pleasure with penetration. To clarify, when I say penetration, this can mean a penis, toy, or fingers. These techniques outlined below provide stimulation to the clitoris which is the main pleasure organ for women.

OMGyes, a research company and website devoted to women’s sexual pleasure, in partnership with Indiana University School of Medicine, conducted a nationally representative study of over 3000 women ages 18-93, and I am sharing their results. These techniques were reported and named through their study and published in the scientific journal, PLOS ONE

Having language for what works or to describe what you want can be helpful.

It is helpful for yourself, in understanding your body and how you experience pleasure. Additionally, it can be very helpful in communicating with a partner - to describe what you want and desire. You may read one or more of these techniques and think to yourself, “Ohhhh, I do that!” Or, you might read and think, “Hmmmm…. I want to try that one and see how it feels!” Get curious and explore. Your pleasure matters!

4 ways women report experiencing more pleasure from vaginal penetration

Shallowing: 

84% of women report using this technique

This is touch that stays just inside the entrance of the vagina - not all the way into the vagina. It is often slower, shallow thrusts and more gentle motions. Some women report enjoying a “curling motion” over and over. Good arousal and warm up time is key along with adequate lubrication. The perineum or tissue between the vagina and rectum is sensitive and will want lubrication to decrease friction but not sensation!

Watch my demo on Instagram

Pairing:

70% of women report using this technique

This is basically including stimulation to the clitoris along with penetration at the same time. This can be done by either by the woman, by her partner or with a toy. Remember, the clitoris is the key to women’s pleasure. So, if you enjoy stimulation to the glans clitoris on the outside of the vulva -reach down to stimulate that area. You can do this yourself or ask a partner do it. Have a conversation about it and you might ask a partner if you can guide their hand to show them where/how you enjoy the touch. Also consider choosing positions that allow for this kind of reach to the glans clitoris.

Watch my demo on Vimeo

Rocking:

76% of women report using this technique

With rocking, penetration stays inside. There isn’t thrusting motion. This allows the glans clitoris to be in constant contact without interrupted stimulation. Some people may call this grinding or other terms. If you are doing this with a partner, one way to “remind” them to keep still might be to wrap your legs around them. This prevents them from moving and allows more grinding and rocking motions by you rather than them (whether you are on the top or on the bottom).

Watch my demo on Instagram

Angling:

88% of women report using this technique

You may be doing this naturally, as it involves rotating, raising, or lowering the hips to adjust where the penis, fingers or toy comes in contact with the clitoral hood or glans clitoris. The distance between the clitoris and vaginal opening varies from woman to woman so there is not a set landmark to gauge from. You might consider using a pillow under your buttocks and experimenting with height and firmness. Another option to try is rounding your back to tuck your pelvis up or putting one leg up. Get creative and try tilting different ways and in different angles for different sensations.

These four techniques identified by OMGYES can really help you to talk about things you want to try or positions you want to use with a partner. Communication is key.

Prefer to listen? Hear Pleasure Techniques on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast

Learn more about these topics
All about the clitoris
The clitoris has a hood
Orgasm questions
Why female arousal takes more than 5 minutes
Talking with a partner about sex
Why vibrators work for women
Guide to lube

Do Women Ejaculate? What Is Squirting?

I often get asked these questions, and yes, women can ejaculate. Some women are aware that they do, though some may ejaculate without being aware of it. Both are normal. Ejaculating is not necessary for women to experience pleasure and it is not like what is portrayed in porn. There is no benefit to pressuring yourself to ejaculate, nor should you be expected to by a partner.

How it happens

The pair of glands on either side of the urethra (the hole where urine or pee exits the body) are called Skene’s glands. These glands can secrete a small amount of fluid during sexual activity. The amount would be approximately 1-2ml or a few drops of fluid - not a large amount. This is ejaculate. It is not urine, and it doesn’t squirt or project any distance. Usually it dribbles out, which is why many women may not be aware that it is happening. 

What about squirting?

There remains a lot of controversy and misunderstanding about squirting and the existing research on the subject is limited. Much of what people know about squirting comes from pornography or videos in which people are acting and performing. Most of what we see in these spaces is entertainment and unrealistic. 

Across women who report that they squirt, there is quite a bit of variance in how they describe it. The amount of fluid involved varies as well. Some report a few drops, others up to half a cup or more. This fluid comes from the urethra, not the vagina. It is watery, not slippery. There is discrepancy about what is included in the fluid and the scientific debate continues. The fluid comes through the urethra, so while it isn’t urine, it likely contains traces of urine and possibly a combination of other fluids.

For women who squirt, it results from firm stimulation to the urethral sponge either with fingers or a toy. The urethral sponge is a spongy cylinder packed with erectile tissue that surrounds the urethra. This is located above the roof of the vagina. This erectile tissue becomes engorged with blood and swells during arousal. Although the research on the subject is currently lacking, there is lots of correlation in how women report stimulation to the G-spot area, and squirting.

While squirting may happen with orgasm, one may occur without the other. For some it is associated with pleasure, and for others it’s not.

Pleasure is your guide

As you investigate sexual techniques, remember to let pleasure be your guide. Putting pressure on yourself or being pressured by a partner to achieve a certain goal creates an atmosphere of performance. This can lead to sexual shame, frustration, and decreased desire. Focus on enjoying the sex you are having, explore with mutual consent and allow yourself to be curious about experiencing more pleasure!

Listen: 'Sex Postpartum' on the Mamas in Training Podcast

I was delighted to join Jessica Lorion on the Mamas in Training Podcast for a two-part series on all things Sex, Pregnancy and Postpartum.

We discuss the realities of the fourth trimester, that go far beyond the infamous 6-week mark! I encourage moms not to jump into sexual activity they do not feel ready for physically or emotionally and to remember that sex should not be painful.

One topic we talk about:

What does it mean to be touched out?

Here’s a clip from the show notes: “Especially in postpartum, our bodies can feel like baby machines. They have just been put through a major trauma and now they are being used to feed, soothe and nurture a human. It is very challenging to expect our bodies and our minds to then flip a switch and become sexual beings. Cindy shares with us the importance of “changing hats.” It is important that we take off our mother hat and give ourselves time to not be touched, so then we can put on the hat of wife/partner who wants to be desired and is desirable.” 

One of my favorite podcast interviews to date. Give it a listen via the links below.

Listen: 'How to Navigate Sex During Pregnancy' on the Mamas in Training Podcast

I was delighted to join Jessica Lorion on the Mamas in Training Podcast for a two-part series on all things Sex, Pregnancy and Postpartum.

This rich conversation goes far beyond whether sex during pregnancy is safe. I encourage listeners to rethink desire, intimacy, and sexual activity in new and different ways.

One frequently asked question I address in this episode:

What if I don’t desire sex or my partner doesn’t desire sex during pregnancy?

Here’s a clip from the show notes: “We often think about sex in a very narrow way and Cindy shows us how to shift our mindset and communicate with our partners. Oftentimes during pregnancy and postpartum, our bodies can feel like a machine, or it can begin to feel foreign to us, so how do we check back in and find that sexual desire again? Your relationship doesn’t have to suffer during this time and there are ways to navigate this tricky subject that Cindy gives us in this episode.”

This was one of my favorite podcast interviews to date. Give it a listen via the links below.

Make Some Noise During Sex

For many years I worked as a Labor and Delivery nurse, helping to guide strong women through their birth experiences. I was surprised to find that in the midst of doing this incredible work of birthing their child, they were censoring themselves and trying to keep silent. This did not serve them well in the intense work and whole body experience of labor. I was always encouraging mothers to moan and groan or make whatever noise release felt good for them, as they worked with their bodies to bring their babies into the world.

It often took quite a bit of coaxing to get the women to vocalize. They didn’t feel it was acceptable or okay for them to make noise. This is because so many women have been conditioned to be silent or to be quiet in general. And not just with pain and discomfort, but also when their bodies are in movement, action or pleasure.

This idea parallels with sex.

Women often censor themselves in their experience with pleasure and passion by not giving themselves the freedom to make noise. It is natural and normal to be vocal with the sensations you experience during sex. Allowing your body to express itself audibly can be powerful and usher in more erotic energy.

Explore the idea of allowing yourself to connect your voice with the feelings in your body.

Give yourself the freedom to express what your body is experiencing. This may also help you be more present in your body.

The term for this is copulatory vocalizations.

Scientists have found that sexual noises may enhance pleasure. Pleasure is not something that you must keep silent about, it is not a secret you have to keep! Additionally, making noise may also serve as non-verbal communication and positive reinforcement with a partner. So…

Moan, Scream, Talk, Whisper, Sigh, Groan, Cry, Hum…

Get curious about giving yourself permission to make some noise.

Why Vibrators Work For Women and How To Choose One

There can be a lot of stigma around vibrators and sex toys, but the reality is they don’t have to be scary or overwhelming. And they certainly aren’t bad or taboo. Think of using a vibrator as a sexy experiment, a helpful tool, or an enhancement for pleasure - for yourself, for your partner or for sharing as a couple.

Why vibrators work for women:

The majority of women require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. A vibrator is one way to get that kind of intense stimulation. Lots of women use vibrators for solo play and exploration. Many women say they like using a vibrator with a partner, because it speeds up their arousal. Heterosexual couples might use a vibrator to combine intercourse with direct clitoral stimulation. Seniors often comment that a vibrator is the best way to get the stimulation they need to orgasm. These are just examples, there is no one right way to use a vibrator. The fun is in experimenting, and figuring out how one works best for you, or for you and your partner.

Four questions to consider before you choose one

How do you want to use it?

Do you want it specifically for clitoral stimulation, for vaginal penetration, or for both at the same time? Is this for solo play, partnered sex or for both?

How much power and how many options do you want it to have? 

How much power and how many vibrational options do you want it to have? Consider the number of speed levels and variations in pressure. Do you want a suction or air puffs option? How many types of vibration patterns do want to be able to access. Basically, do you want to keep it simple or are you looking for a lot of bells and whistles?

Do you care about aesthetics?

i.e. how it looks, what it is made out of, and the texture or feel of the material. For example, do you want it to be phallic shaped (like a penis) or smaller in size - perhaps to fit right into your hand or even on your fingers.

How about noise level?

Do you need it to be whisper quiet or “turbo charged” is fine?

If you are a first time toy buyer:

It’s probably best to choose something simple that doesn’t feel overwhelming to look at. I recommend that you first use the vibrator on your inner thigh or arm and play with the speeds and vibrations. Do not immediately put it on your vulva and specifically your clitoris or clitoral hood until you have a good idea how it operates and feels. Every woman and each body is different. If one toy doesn’t seem right for you, that doesn’t mean no toy is right for you. It may take trying out a few - this is normal. Remember, as you go through seasons of life in your body, there will be shifts and changes. Stay curious about that, and adjust accordingly. 

If you are buying a toy to use with a partner:

I highly recommend picking it out together. This allows for discussion about how you’ll use it and what appeals to both of you - always a good idea!

Oftentimes, one partner may be ready to introduce a toy and the other is hesitant or frankly has never even thought about it. Communication is essential. Remember a toy doesn’t talk, caress, kiss or cuddle. For couples, it’s an addition, not a replacement. Consent from both partners before adding something new into your intimacy is a must. Sometimes partners may feel they should be “enough” and if a vibrator is needed or desired then “something is wrong with you,” or “something is wrong with me.” This might stem from many things, perhaps a lack of sex education - especially about female bodies, false cultural narratives, toys being seen as taboo or negative past experiences. If talking about sex with your partner is difficult, as a segue you might read this blog together and start a conversation about why it might be helpful or fun or sexy to add a toy to the bedroom.

Pointing you in a direction to get started.

Picking vibrator for the first time can feel a bit daunting. New things, especially related to sex, often make people feel uncomfortable. You are not alone if you feel afraid to go into a store and buy a vibrator, or feel a bit nervous about starting with one. But guess what? You can buy one online and test it out without ever having to interact with a human being. Many companies often send them in discreet packaging, too, so you don’t feel uncomfortable pulling it out of your mailbox. Female-owned companies that I recommend are below. They sell unique vibrators, toys and have a reputation for offering high quality products.

MAUDE (use discount code CINDY10)
INTIMATE WELLBEING (use discount code CINDY15)
DAME

More on this topic
The clitoris it’s a network!
Vibrators, Edging & Anal Sex
Couples, Communication & Sex
Anatomy 101

*AFFILIATE LINKS AND RECOMMENDATIONS: I may earn a small commission when readers purchase products through my affiliate links. This doesn't affect which products are included. I choose products carefully, and anything I recommend on my website is recommended for its quality, performance, and overall reputation, regardless of any affiliate relationship.

Orgasm, Passion, Menopause: Articles Worth Reading For Better Sex

Here is a round up of some recent articles about sex, intimacy and relationships that are worth reading. There is a little something for everyone, including those in menopause or others seeking more passion!

*If you enjoy curated sex education like this, I want to invite you sign up for my monthly newsletter HERE (All of these articles were featured for my email community over the last several months).

For women

How To Fully Let Go During Sex 

Sex therapist Vanessa Marin wrote this for Bustle. This article covers “7 tips for keeping your mind on the prize and learning how to orgasm with your partner.” Specifically, it talks about orgasm as a mental experience - not just a physical one. The 7 tips are for better ways to occupy your brain during sex and help to get around mental blockages.

A Therapist Explains 3 Psychological Blocks That Kill Women's Sexual Desire

Written by Alicia Munoz LPC, for Mind Body Green. This article gives a lot of food for thought. So, if these three blocks spark your interest, give it a read. #1 Others define my desirability. #2 It's my partner's job to arouse me. #3 I need to be feminine.

No Matter How Long You Take To Reach Orgasm, There Are Ways To Speed Things Up

Gabrielle Kassel wrote this article for WellandGood. Some excellent advice in this read from several experts on the topic of orgasm. Then they spell out 8 steps for how to orgasm faster without stressing about the clock.

For Couples

10 Best Intimate Sex Positions To Boost Your Love Connection

Written for Women’s Health Magazine, this article by Aryelle Siclait is a great one if your sex life needs a healthy dose of intimacy or if you just want a new position to try. With simple illustrations and the reasons why each position boosts intimacy, there’s an option for every couple.

The Three Keys To Passion

Cheryl Fraser, Ph.D wrote this for The Gottman Institute. A sex therapist explains the Passion Triangle. This is three keys needed to create a foundation for a lifelong romantic and sexual passion. What are the three sides to the triangle? Intimacy. Thrill. Sensuality. Don't be put off by the length, there are some nuggets here worth your time.

ONE For my over age 50 crowd

Can You Have Good Sex After Menopause?

The answer is yes! A great article by Joan Price for her Senior Sex Blog at Hot Octopuss. She addresses how menopause affects sex, talking to your doctor about menopause and sex, and adds in some practical sex tips as well.

Scheduling Sex

WHY SCHEDULING SEX IS A GOOD THING

Listen: 'Let's expand foreplay & Increase arousal' on the Smart Sex podcast

I was delighted to be invited back for another conversation with Leslie Gustafson on the Smart Sex Podcast! (Listen to our first conversation here).

This episode, #13, is a deep dive into what foreplay really is - in and out of the bedroom.

We discuss expanding your idea of foreplay, by dispelling the myth that foreplay is simply “pre-gaming.'‘

This conversation includes tips for using your senses, the differences between male and female arousal and ideas to help couples enhance their intimate relationship and sex life.

Listen via the links below.

Let’s keep opening these kinds of healthy conversations about sex!

Understanding Your Desire Style For Better Sex

DO YOU FIGHT ABOUT SEX IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? YOU’RE NOT ALONE. 

One of most common arguments among couples is how often they’re having sex. Frequently, it comes down to one partner wanting sex more than the other. This can lead to trouble in the bedroom -- and relationship. If more couples understood the concept of desire styles, there could be a lot less conflict and a lot more sex!

A desire style is the way in which you experience an interest to have sex.

Desire is not a drive, like hunger. Sexual desire actually works more like curiosity. Think of it like this: What has to happen for you to be motivated to have sex? It is also important to understand that there is a difference between desire and arousal. Desire is your motivation to want to have sex, while arousal is your mind and body’s physical response. 

The truth about sexual desire is that there is more than one way to experience it.

It is normal for partners to have mismatched styles. 

Here’s one example: Some of you can walk into the kitchen and just the sight of your lover’s butt as they’re bent over the dishwasher sparks a desire to have sex. Others of you may be thinking, “Really? That does nothing for me.”  But for those of you in the latter group, what if you saw that your partner had loaded that dishwasher when it wasn’t their turn? You go to kiss them and say thank you. They do that thing with their tongue up the side of your neck. Does that do something for you?

Having mismatched desire styles doesn’t mean something is “broken” in one partner.

It just means you’re different. However, conflict can arise when couples lack understanding about how each partner experiences desire. The key here is communication. When you understand your partner’s style -- and they understand yours -- you can accommodate each other in a blended sex life. 

So, let’s get curious about the three desire styles:

Spontaneous Desire

Some people experience desire first then arousal. This is called spontaneous desire. How this might look: You encounter your partner taking off a piece of clothing and that sparks your desire to have sex, which leads to arousal. This person wants and desires sex quickly or seemingly “out of the blue.” About 15% of women and 75% of men have spontaneous desire. Pretty big discrepancy, right? If couples understood this statistic alone, there could be a lot less fighting about sex. 

Responsive Desire

If you experience responsive desire, then your mind and body need to be aroused before you desire to have sex. How this might look: You are kissing your partner, and they are touching you in the way you like best. You weren’t thinking about sex before, but now you find yourself interested. Basically, you need more than just your partner standing in front of you with their shirt off. About 30% of women and 5% of men have responsive desire.

Combination Desire

Many people experience both spontaneous and responsive desire. It just depends on context. How this might look: One day, you and your partner have been texting sexy messages back and forth all day. When they walk in the door, you jump into their arms -- immediately ready to have sex. In this context, sexual desire feels spontaneous. On another day, you may be reading on the couch when your partner comes up and touches you in a way that causes your body to respond -- leading to motivation for sex. In this relaxed context, sexual desire feels responsive. About half of all women and quite a few men experience desire this way.

Something to keep in mind: Desire styles can change -- over time and according to context.

What worked for you early on may not work now.

Desire is influenced by many factors, including hormones, exhaustion, stress, medical conditions, past trauma and relationship conflict, to name a few.

As we age, we naturally move into more responsive desire, so it is crucial to understand this style to keep sexually connected if/when spontaneity no longer works (if it ever did!). 

This isn’t a one-time discussion with your partner.

Stay curious, and keep the conversation going.

FOUR ACTION STEPS

1. Talk about your desire style with your partner. Even better, read this blog out loud and discuss how it relates to your sexual relationship. 

2. Take some time alone and ask yourself questions such as: What stimulates and arouses me? What makes me feel sexual? What draws me toward touching? Then find a time to share your responses with your partner.

3. Discuss sexual frequency. Talking about how often you would like to have sex is normal. Particularly for couples who have mismatched desire styles, it can be helpful to come to an agreement that you’re both comfortable with. Another idea: Schedule sex dates to look forward to together.

4. Listen to these episodes about desire on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast by yourself or with your partner to open the conversation.

   Desire Styles

   Partner Desire Discrepancies

   The Truth About Desire

   Want Better Sex? Ask Yourself These Questions

Pleasurable Touch Exercise

PLEASURABLE TOUCH

Often, we give touch the way we want to receive it. Our partner may enjoy touch differently than we do since everyone does not receive touch the same way.
It is important to communicate to your partner how and where you enjoy being touched.
Also, it is important to ask your partner how and where they enjoy being touched.

If you know each other extremely well, the exercise below may play out differently than if you are new to each other. Either way - have fun, listen well, communicate honestly and enjoy intentionally giving and receiving touch with each other.

This is a wonderful exercise to do regularly as a couple. We change, and pleasure in how we receive touch can also change.

TOUCHING SESSION

• Take turns touching each other’s bodies all over

• Start at the feet or head, and then move over the whole body, everywhere but the genitals

• Tell each other how and where touch is most pleasurable for you

• Listen and take note of what your partner says

• Use a simple rating system that feels comfortable for you to communicate levels of pleasure

  • 0-5 (0 = doesn’t really do anything for me, 5 = that’s my favorite)

  • Humming or murmuring quietly to loudly

  • Simply saying yes, no or maybe

• Fun options

  • Use massage oil or a massage candle for the touch session (check out products from Maude use code CINDY10 and Coconu use code PLEASURE)

  • Blindfold the partner receiving touch

  • At another time, use the information you gathered here first to touch your partner in all the places they find pleasurable and then include the genitals

*I may earn a small commission if you purchase products from my links. I choose carefully and only recommend products for their quality, performance, and overall reputation, regardless of any affiliate relationship.

Faking Orgasms Is Sexual Miscommunication

When we fake orgasm, it results in our partner downloading information to their brain about what we find pleasurable that does not work for us. It also directs our focus to performing instead of enjoying.

Your pleasure matters

Most women have faked orgasm at one point or the other. Why? There are a lot of reasons, but it often comes down to pressure or expectation. This is something worth exploring — to understand where this expectation and/or pressure comes from.

Questions to consider:

• Is it coming from you or your partner, or both?

• Is it around your own concern that your partner feels successful or not feel badly?

• Is it because you’re tired and want sex to be done?

• Is it because the sex you’re having isn’t pleasurable and you want to hurry it along?

• Is it you or your partner’s expectation that you orgasm every time?

• Is there an expectation or pressure to orgasm with intercourse alone?

honest communication with a partner

Here are a few ideas to help you start a conversation with a newer partner:

• "Could we _______?" If you know what you want, get specific and ask for it.

• "Touch me right here." To be even more specific, take your partner's hand and guide it where you want to be touched.

• "I’m really enjoying myself, but I’m not going to orgasm." This communicates your pleasure as well as taking the pressure off orgasm.

If you are with a long time partner, obviously this is more complicated.

Telling someone that you have been faking can feel really scary and overwhelming. Certainly, this is a conversation that requires care if you choose to have it. The way you approach your partner must take into account that you have not been honest and why. The truth may be shocking to them. Likely, if you have been good at faking it - they have been good at believing it. They will have emotion about this - it is okay for them to have emotion about this.

Take some time to really consider the reasons why you have been faking and how you can communicate some of this to your partner. Here are a few ideas to help you start a conversation with a long time partner:

• “I am understanding more about myself sexually and really would like to have an honest conversation about it with you.”

• “I have learned some new things about how I orgasm, could I share that with you?”

• “I am changing in how I view our sex life. I have found that I don’t need to orgasm every time for it to be pleasurable.”

Using ‘I’ statements like these, help a partner to receive the information with less defensive feelings. Talking to a partner about sex works best outside of the bedroom, and when you have given your partner a heads up that you want to have a discussion.

If having this conversation feels too difficult alone

Consider having a therapist or counselor help you navigate this conversation. Sex therapists are well trained for these kinds of conversations and could help you through it. Or perhaps you have a counselor you have worked with that can assist you.

You might want to start with opening this healthy conversation with yourself first - to come to a better understanding about your own relationship with sex, orgasm and pleasure.

One step at a time my friends, because your pleasure matters.

For more on this topic:
Let’s Talk Orgasms
Talking with a partner about sex
Exploring your perspective of pleasure
Want better sex? Ask yourself these questions
Pleasure Techniques

Are There Benefits To Morning Sex?

There are a lot of benefits to having morning sex.

• Testosterone and estrogen levels are higher in the morning.

• You get to start your day with a surge of feel good hormones.

• Your energy levels are not depleted.

• You aren't losing any sleep or disrupting your sleep schedule.

• During REM sleep there is increased blood flow to your genitals (so they are primed and ready).

• Sex gets your blood flowing by increasing your heart rate.

• If you always have sex at night, the morning light provides something new and different.

• For couples with kids, it can feel “kid-proof” if you set your alarm for sex before they get up.

• Planning for morning sex allows you to prioritize your physical connection.

Rise and shine!

Learn more on this topic:
3 Tips to Speed up Your Arousal

When A Partner Wants To Try Something New

Consent - Curiosity - Communication!

“My partner wants to try ______ (fill in the blank) and I am not sure I’m comfortable with that.” “Do I have to do it?” “How do I handle this?”

I field this question so often from women regarding any number of sexual activities. Using the three C’s can help you work through this.

Mutual consent is a non-negotiable

First and foremost, you don't have to do anything you are not comfortable with and your partner should respect your choices. You always have the right to say "No thanks!" It is vitally important that both partners be in agreement regarding whatever they choose to do sexually together.

Also, get curious

Get curious with yourself first. Ask yourself some honest questions about why you feel the way you do about whatever the request is. Are you afraid? Does it gross you out? Have you heard or read things that have influenced you feeling the way you do? Is it possible that fear of failure is an issue for you, if it doesn’t go well? Is there an alternative compromise that you might feel comfortable with?

Next, get curious with your partner. If you are in a trusting relationship and your partner is asking to try something new, ask questions to understand what might be the broader desire behind the request. Is it that they are bored? Want to experiment? Are feeling adventurous? Did they see or hear something that sparked their curiosity? Have they always had a sexual fantasy but never verbalized it?

Communication is key

We are all humans, and humans have sexual desire. It is a normal thing to talk about our sexual desires. Have an honest conversation with one another about your answers to the questions above. This can be really enlightening for both of you and your sexual relationship.

Keep in mind that trying something different, whether it’s a hit or a miss, provides you with new information. This can be super helpful and enriching for your intimacy. If you mutually decide to try something new, here are some questions for consideration afterward.

* Did you enjoy it?⁣

* Did you experience pleasure?⁣

* Did it feel just right?⁣

* Is it just - not what you’re into?⁣

* Did you discover, maybe not that exactly, but...⁣

* Or that’s a yes, but perhaps with this adjustment.

CONSENT! curiousITY! communicatioN!

For more on this topic:
Talking to your partner about sex
Communication, Couples and Sex
Talking About Sex (when things aren’t great)
Sexual Communication
ARYA intimacy experiences for couples - Use my discount CS15 (affiliate link)

Talking with a partner about sex

Does talking about sex feel like speaking a language you don’t know?

Good communication is one of the keys to a nourishing relationship. Talking about the topic of sex is one area where many people seriously struggle to have open conversation. Most people grow up with a lot of silence about sex and so it may be like a language you never learned.

The fact is that it is absolutely normal to have to discuss and negotiate the many facets of sex.

So while it may not always be comfortable or easy, it is normal and needed. Good communication and good sex go together and can lead to a lot more pleasure!

And here is the good news - talking about sex is a language you can learn! Just like any foreign language, it takes practice. The more you practice, the easier it gets.

Do these common responses sound familiar to you?

“I view a discussion about sex as threatening to myself or fear it will feel threatening to my partner, it is easier to say nothing, than to take the risk”

“ I don’t want to hurt my partner’s feelings, so I don’t speak up”  

“ I believe if my partner really loves me or cares about me, they will know what I like and want.”

“ I wonder what my partner is open to trying or into but I am afraid to ask”

“ What used to work before, doesn’t work anymore, how do I tell my partner”

I hear these kind of comments often, so if they resonate with you, you are not alone!

Here are some tips that might help get you started having healthy conversations about sex.

Basic Communication Strategies and Starters

Start the conversation with something positive, “I really love it when...” Then suggest what you want, “I would enjoy more….” Follow that with a specific example, “I think it would be a turn on if we….” Then ask for their feedback, “What do you think would be fun to try?”

Begin sentences with “I” instead of “You” For example: “I’ve noticed some things about my body and how it responds during sex and I want to share that with you” instead of “You aren’t doing what my body needs to get aroused.”

To gather more information and gain understanding, Say things like “tell me more about that…” or repeat what you THINK you heard them say and clarify that you heard accurately what they were trying to communicate.

Have conversations about sex out of the bedroom (not right before or during sex) - perhaps while you are driving in the car together or taking a walk. A neutral location.

Better not to “surprise” your partner, but rather, tell them ahead you want to talk about sex and ask to set up a time to do so.

Practice what you want to say ahead of time. Think through how to communicate in a way that your partner will hear and understand. Is there an example or demonstration to make things more clear?

Tackle one topic at a time. It is better to address one thing at a time and have ongoing short conversations rather than everything all at once.

Give answer options.⁣ ⁣ Sometimes this helps spark a healthy discussion⁣ when one of you wants to try something new ⁣ (new position, place, toy, technique etc...)⁣ Answer options: Yes. No. Maybe⁣ or Thumbs up. Thumbs down. So-So⁣

Start with simple vocabulary words such as: Harder ~ Softer ~ Deeper ~ Faster ~ Slower ~ Stop ~ Up ~ Down ~ Left ~ Right.

To learn more:
Read a book on sex together to help open up conversations.
Listen together to these episodes on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast:
Communication, Couples and Sex
Talking About Sex (when things aren’t great)
Want Better Sex? Ask Yourself These Questions
Sexual Communication