24 Conversation Starters and Questions To Help You Talk About Sex With a Partner

Current Favorites

1. What do you most enjoy about our sex life right now?

2. What do I do that really turns you on?

Let’s Do This More

3.  Are there things I can do to make sex more pleasurable, fun, or satisfying for you?

4. What are some of the reasons that motivate you to have sex.

5. Is there anything you would like more of during sex?

Consistency & Variety

6. Do you enjoy having sex the same way with some consistency? 

7. Do you ever wonder about adding more variety to our sex life?

8. Is there something you imagine us doing sexually that makes your heart race? (even if it isn’t something you want to do in real life)

Changing Interests

9. Is there anything you used to like sexually that has changed for you or no longer turns you on?

10. Was there anything in the past that you were not interested in, that you’re now curious about?

11. How do you feel about the amount of affection we show each other outside of sex? Would you like to see it change? Physically, verbally or in other ways? 

 
Frequency 

12. Is there anything you would change about how often we have sex?

13. How often would you ideally like to have sex?

14. How do you feel about scheduling a sex date?

 
Inviting Intimacy & Play

15. What is something we can do with our bedroom space that would invite more intimacy?

16.  Could we play more in the bedroom? 

17.  What is something that sounds playful or fun to you that we could try?

 
Senses & Sensual Touch

18. What parts of your body would you like me to touch more?

19. Which of your 5 senses is the most sensitive? 

20. How has the way you experience sex in your body changed in the last few years?

21. What are some of my body parts that you find sexy?

Initiation 

22. What is your favorite way for me to initiate sex?

23. When you initiate sex and I say no, what feelings come up for you?

24. How would you like me to say no, or not now, when you initiate sex, and I don’t want to?

Articles about sex to increase your pleasure.

Photo Credit: KScharkey

Here is a round up of a few articles and blogs about sex that were popular with my newsletter community. Cheers to more people increasing their pleasure through good education!

*If you enjoy curated sex education like this, I want to invite you sign up for my newsletter.

Pleasure Techniques with Penetration

Currently, my most visited blog about the 4 techniques women use to increase pleasure with penetration. The fact is, only about 18% of women orgasm with vaginal penetration alone. These techniques are worth exploring to increase your pleasure and allow for more orgasms!

11 Expert-Approved Sex Positions For Couples With High Drives

This article from mindbodygreen.com walks you through “specific techniques that feature the winning combination of penetration and clitoral stimulation.” It includes simple drawings to demonstrate each technique.

Why Vibrators Work for Women and How To Choose One

This blog draws a lot of readers! There is a lot of stigma around sex toys, but the reality is they don’t have to be scary or overwhelming. And they certainly aren’t bad or taboo! Included are how to introduce a vibrator with a partner, choosing one that’s right for you and beginner recommendations.

Sex Sexperts Share How They Orgasm

This article from Dame gives voice to the myriad ways women climax involving vibrators, fingers, tongues and penetration. It will make it very clear that there is no right way to orgasm and why pleasure is the best focus!

The 10 Sex Questions Every Long-term Couple Wants To Ask

Great article by British sex expert Tracey Cox for the Daily Mail. It addresses solutions to the ten most common sex challenges people in long-term relationships face. She offers practical tips on oral sex, initiating sex, how to go about a sexual "reset," fantasy, and why doing the same thing over and over is "sexual suicide."

All About Lube

This blog gets a lot of traffic as well as it’s corresponding episode on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast (Episode 12). You’ll read the facts about lube, learn the types available, hear my personal recommendations, and get discount codes to try my favorites!

The 45+ Best Sex Positions Every Couple Should Try

If you are looking for a new sex position to try, you will definitely find it in this article. The 45+ Best Sex Positions Every Couple Should Try offers something for everyone. With each position you're given the name, benefits, technique, as well as a hot tip to go along with a drawn image.

Articles about sex and relationships to increase your pleasure and intimacy

This is a round up of some recent articles and my blogs about sex and relationships to increase your pleasure and intimacy. These were the most popular with my newsletter community over the past several months and there is a little something for everyone!

*If you enjoy curated sex education like this, I want to invite you sign up HERE for my monthly newsletter where articles like these come straight to your inbox.

For women

10 Ways to Orgasm, That You Haven’t Thought of, According to Sex Therapists

Written for The Everygirl by Jose Santi, you might be surprised at a few of these. Often they aren't on your usual radar. Here's three examples: Building Sensuality Outside of the Bedroom, Don't Over-Hype the Climax and Explore Blended Orgasms.

Why Vibrators Work for Women and How To Choose One

By far one of my most popular blogs to date. There is a lot of stigma around sex toys, but the reality is they don’t have to be scary or overwhelming. And they certainly aren’t bad or taboo! Included are how to introduce a vibrator with a partner, choosing one that’s right for you and recommendations.

Are There Different Kinds of Orgasms?

Are there really different types of female orgasms? Is one type better than another? My blog answers these frequently asked questions, and more — about clitoral, G-spot, A-spot, blended, and uterine orgasms. What's true and what isn't, and why pleasure is the best focus!

For Couples

11 Sexual Penetration Techniques To Insert Into Your Pleasure Routine

Written by Mary Grace Garis for WellandGood, this article walks you through "specific techniques that feature the winning combination of penetration and clitoral stimulation." It includes simple drawings to demonstrate each technique from OMGyes.com, a "sexual-education platform that uses research and real experiences to help vulva-owners maximize their pleasure.” YES to that!!

9 Ways To Use Your Hands During Sex That’ll Make You & Your Partner Feel So Good

This article offers some specific tips for using your hands as tools for pleasure. Written by Rachel Shatto for Elite Daily, the article breaks down ideas for him (create a tunnel of love), and her (knuckles are the new fingertips), to let your fingers do the talking!!

ONE For my over age 50 crowd

Redefining Sex After 50

A great article by Stephanie Auteri for The Buzz by Pure Romance. "We know that, as we grow older, things naturally change...Why, then, are so many of us resistant to adapting to the changes that can happen in the bedroom?" This article is honest talk about how to redefine sex as we age!!

Orgasm, Passion, Menopause: Articles Worth Reading For Better Sex

Here is a round up of some recent articles about sex, intimacy and relationships that are worth reading. There is a little something for everyone, including those in menopause or others seeking more passion!

*If you enjoy curated sex education like this, I want to invite you sign up for my monthly newsletter HERE (All of these articles were featured for my email community over the last several months).

For women

How To Fully Let Go During Sex 

Sex therapist Vanessa Marin wrote this for Bustle. This article covers “7 tips for keeping your mind on the prize and learning how to orgasm with your partner.” Specifically, it talks about orgasm as a mental experience - not just a physical one. The 7 tips are for better ways to occupy your brain during sex and help to get around mental blockages.

A Therapist Explains 3 Psychological Blocks That Kill Women's Sexual Desire

Written by Alicia Munoz LPC, for Mind Body Green. This article gives a lot of food for thought. So, if these three blocks spark your interest, give it a read. #1 Others define my desirability. #2 It's my partner's job to arouse me. #3 I need to be feminine.

No Matter How Long You Take To Reach Orgasm, There Are Ways To Speed Things Up

Gabrielle Kassel wrote this article for WellandGood. Some excellent advice in this read from several experts on the topic of orgasm. Then they spell out 8 steps for how to orgasm faster without stressing about the clock.

For Couples

10 Best Intimate Sex Positions To Boost Your Love Connection

Written for Women’s Health Magazine, this article by Aryelle Siclait is a great one if your sex life needs a healthy dose of intimacy or if you just want a new position to try. With simple illustrations and the reasons why each position boosts intimacy, there’s an option for every couple.

The Three Keys To Passion

Cheryl Fraser, Ph.D wrote this for The Gottman Institute. A sex therapist explains the Passion Triangle. This is three keys needed to create a foundation for a lifelong romantic and sexual passion. What are the three sides to the triangle? Intimacy. Thrill. Sensuality. Don't be put off by the length, there are some nuggets here worth your time.

ONE For my over age 50 crowd

Can You Have Good Sex After Menopause?

The answer is yes! A great article by Joan Price for her Senior Sex Blog at Hot Octopuss. She addresses how menopause affects sex, talking to your doctor about menopause and sex, and adds in some practical sex tips as well.

Scheduling Sex

WHY SCHEDULING SEX IS A GOOD THING

Understanding Your Desire Style For Better Sex

DO YOU FIGHT ABOUT SEX IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? YOU’RE NOT ALONE. 

One of most common arguments among couples is how often they’re having sex. Frequently, it comes down to one partner wanting sex more than the other. This can lead to trouble in the bedroom -- and relationship. If more couples understood the concept of desire styles, there could be a lot less conflict and a lot more sex!

A desire style is the way in which you experience an interest to have sex.

Desire is not a drive, like hunger. Sexual desire actually works more like curiosity. Think of it like this: What has to happen for you to be motivated to have sex? It is also important to understand that there is a difference between desire and arousal. Desire is your motivation to want to have sex, while arousal is your mind and body’s physical response. 

The truth about sexual desire is that there is more than one way to experience it.

It is normal for partners to have mismatched styles. 

Here’s one example: Some of you can walk into the kitchen and just the sight of your lover’s butt as they’re bent over the dishwasher sparks a desire to have sex. Others of you may be thinking, “Really? That does nothing for me.”  But for those of you in the latter group, what if you saw that your partner had loaded that dishwasher when it wasn’t their turn? You go to kiss them and say thank you. They do that thing with their tongue up the side of your neck. Does that do something for you?

Having mismatched desire styles doesn’t mean something is “broken” in one partner.

It just means you’re different. However, conflict can arise when couples lack understanding about how each partner experiences desire. The key here is communication. When you understand your partner’s style -- and they understand yours -- you can accommodate each other in a blended sex life. 

So, let’s get curious about the three desire styles:

Spontaneous Desire

Some people experience desire first then arousal. This is called spontaneous desire. How this might look: You encounter your partner taking off a piece of clothing and that sparks your desire to have sex, which leads to arousal. This person wants and desires sex quickly or seemingly “out of the blue.” About 15% of women and 75% of men have spontaneous desire. Pretty big discrepancy, right? If couples understood this statistic alone, there could be a lot less fighting about sex. 

Responsive Desire

If you experience responsive desire, then your mind and body need to be aroused before you desire to have sex. How this might look: You are kissing your partner, and they are touching you in the way you like best. You weren’t thinking about sex before, but now you find yourself interested. Basically, you need more than just your partner standing in front of you with their shirt off. About 30% of women and 5% of men have responsive desire.

Combination Desire

Many people experience both spontaneous and responsive desire. It just depends on context. How this might look: One day, you and your partner have been texting sexy messages back and forth all day. When they walk in the door, you jump into their arms -- immediately ready to have sex. In this context, sexual desire feels spontaneous. On another day, you may be reading on the couch when your partner comes up and touches you in a way that causes your body to respond -- leading to motivation for sex. In this relaxed context, sexual desire feels responsive. About half of all women and quite a few men experience desire this way.

Something to keep in mind: Desire styles can change -- over time and according to context.

What worked for you early on may not work now.

Desire is influenced by many factors, including hormones, exhaustion, stress, medical conditions, past trauma and relationship conflict, to name a few.

As we age, we naturally move into more responsive desire, so it is crucial to understand this style to keep sexually connected if/when spontaneity no longer works (if it ever did!). 

This isn’t a one-time discussion with your partner.

Stay curious, and keep the conversation going.

FOUR ACTION STEPS

1. Talk about your desire style with your partner. Even better, read this blog out loud and discuss how it relates to your sexual relationship. 

2. Take some time alone and ask yourself questions such as: What stimulates and arouses me? What makes me feel sexual? What draws me toward touching? Then find a time to share your responses with your partner.

3. Discuss sexual frequency. Talking about how often you would like to have sex is normal. Particularly for couples who have mismatched desire styles, it can be helpful to come to an agreement that you’re both comfortable with. Another idea: Schedule sex dates to look forward to together.

4. Listen to these episodes about desire on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast by yourself or with your partner to open the conversation.

   Desire Styles

   Partner Desire Discrepancies

   The Truth About Desire

   Want Better Sex? Ask Yourself These Questions

Pleasurable Touch Exercise

PLEASURABLE TOUCH

Often, we give touch the way we want to receive it. Our partner may enjoy touch differently than we do since everyone does not receive touch the same way.
It is important to communicate to your partner how and where you enjoy being touched.
Also, it is important to ask your partner how and where they enjoy being touched.

If you know each other extremely well, the exercise below may play out differently than if you are new to each other. Either way - have fun, listen well, communicate honestly and enjoy intentionally giving and receiving touch with each other.

This is a wonderful exercise to do regularly as a couple. We change, and pleasure in how we receive touch can also change.

TOUCHING SESSION

• Take turns touching each other’s bodies all over

• Start at the feet or head, and then move over the whole body, everywhere but the genitals

• Tell each other how and where touch is most pleasurable for you

• Listen and take note of what your partner says

• Use a simple rating system that feels comfortable for you to communicate levels of pleasure

  • 0-5 (0 = doesn’t really do anything for me, 5 = that’s my favorite)

  • Humming or murmuring quietly to loudly

  • Simply saying yes, no or maybe

• Fun options

  • Use massage oil or a massage candle for the touch session (check out products from Maude use code CINDY10 and Coconu use code PLEASURE)

  • Blindfold the partner receiving touch

  • At another time, use the information you gathered here first to touch your partner in all the places they find pleasurable and then include the genitals

*I may earn a small commission if you purchase products from my links. I choose carefully and only recommend products for their quality, performance, and overall reputation, regardless of any affiliate relationship.

Faking Orgasms Is Sexual Miscommunication

When we fake orgasm, it results in our partner downloading information to their brain about what we find pleasurable that does not work for us. It also directs our focus to performing instead of enjoying.

Your pleasure matters

Most women have faked orgasm at one point or the other. Why? There are a lot of reasons, but it often comes down to pressure or expectation. This is something worth exploring — to understand where this expectation and/or pressure comes from.

Questions to consider:

• Is it coming from you or your partner, or both?

• Is it around your own concern that your partner feels successful or not feel badly?

• Is it because you’re tired and want sex to be done?

• Is it because the sex you’re having isn’t pleasurable and you want to hurry it along?

• Is it you or your partner’s expectation that you orgasm every time?

• Is there an expectation or pressure to orgasm with intercourse alone?

honest communication with a partner

Here are a few ideas to help you start a conversation with a newer partner:

• "Could we _______?" If you know what you want, get specific and ask for it.

• "Touch me right here." To be even more specific, take your partner's hand and guide it where you want to be touched.

• "I’m really enjoying myself, but I’m not going to orgasm." This communicates your pleasure as well as taking the pressure off orgasm.

If you are with a long time partner, obviously this is more complicated.

Telling someone that you have been faking can feel really scary and overwhelming. Certainly, this is a conversation that requires care if you choose to have it. The way you approach your partner must take into account that you have not been honest and why. The truth may be shocking to them. Likely, if you have been good at faking it - they have been good at believing it. They will have emotion about this - it is okay for them to have emotion about this.

Take some time to really consider the reasons why you have been faking and how you can communicate some of this to your partner. Here are a few ideas to help you start a conversation with a long time partner:

• “I am understanding more about myself sexually and really would like to have an honest conversation about it with you.”

• “I have learned some new things about how I orgasm, could I share that with you?”

• “I am changing in how I view our sex life. I have found that I don’t need to orgasm every time for it to be pleasurable.”

Using ‘I’ statements like these, help a partner to receive the information with less defensive feelings. Talking to a partner about sex works best outside of the bedroom, and when you have given your partner a heads up that you want to have a discussion.

If having this conversation feels too difficult alone

Consider having a therapist or counselor help you navigate this conversation. Sex therapists are well trained for these kinds of conversations and could help you through it. Or perhaps you have a counselor you have worked with that can assist you.

You might want to start with opening this healthy conversation with yourself first - to come to a better understanding about your own relationship with sex, orgasm and pleasure.

One step at a time my friends, because your pleasure matters.

For more on this topic:
Let’s Talk Orgasms
Talking with a partner about sex
Exploring your perspective of pleasure
Want better sex? Ask yourself these questions
Pleasure Techniques

Are There Benefits To Morning Sex?

There are a lot of benefits to having morning sex.

• Testosterone and estrogen levels are higher in the morning.

• You get to start your day with a surge of feel good hormones.

• Your energy levels are not depleted.

• You aren't losing any sleep or disrupting your sleep schedule.

• During REM sleep there is increased blood flow to your genitals (so they are primed and ready).

• Sex gets your blood flowing by increasing your heart rate.

• If you always have sex at night, the morning light provides something new and different.

• For couples with kids, it can feel “kid-proof” if you set your alarm for sex before they get up.

• Planning for morning sex allows you to prioritize your physical connection.

Rise and shine!

Learn more on this topic:
3 Tips to Speed up Your Arousal

When A Partner Wants To Try Something New

Consent - Curiosity - Communication!

“My partner wants to try ______ (fill in the blank) and I am not sure I’m comfortable with that.” “Do I have to do it?” “How do I handle this?”

I field this question so often from women regarding any number of sexual activities. Using the three C’s can help you work through this.

Mutual consent is a non-negotiable

First and foremost, you don't have to do anything you are not comfortable with and your partner should respect your choices. You always have the right to say "No thanks!" It is vitally important that both partners be in agreement regarding whatever they choose to do sexually together.

Also, get curious

Get curious with yourself first. Ask yourself some honest questions about why you feel the way you do about whatever the request is. Are you afraid? Does it gross you out? Have you heard or read things that have influenced you feeling the way you do? Is it possible that fear of failure is an issue for you, if it doesn’t go well? Is there an alternative compromise that you might feel comfortable with?

Next, get curious with your partner. If you are in a trusting relationship and your partner is asking to try something new, ask questions to understand what might be the broader desire behind the request. Is it that they are bored? Want to experiment? Are feeling adventurous? Did they see or hear something that sparked their curiosity? Have they always had a sexual fantasy but never verbalized it?

Communication is key

We are all humans, and humans have sexual desire. It is a normal thing to talk about our sexual desires. Have an honest conversation with one another about your answers to the questions above. This can be really enlightening for both of you and your sexual relationship.

Keep in mind that trying something different, whether it’s a hit or a miss, provides you with new information. This can be super helpful and enriching for your intimacy. If you mutually decide to try something new, here are some questions for consideration afterward.

* Did you enjoy it?⁣

* Did you experience pleasure?⁣

* Did it feel just right?⁣

* Is it just - not what you’re into?⁣

* Did you discover, maybe not that exactly, but...⁣

* Or that’s a yes, but perhaps with this adjustment.

CONSENT! curiousITY! communicatioN!

For more on this topic:
Talking to your partner about sex
Communication, Couples and Sex
Talking About Sex (when things aren’t great)
Sexual Communication
ARYA intimacy experiences for couples - Use my discount CS15 (affiliate link)

Talking with a partner about sex

Does talking about sex feel like speaking a language you don’t know?

Good communication is one of the keys to a nourishing relationship. Talking about the topic of sex is one area where many people seriously struggle to have open conversation. Most people grow up with a lot of silence about sex and so it may be like a language you never learned.

The fact is that it is absolutely normal to have to discuss and negotiate the many facets of sex.

So while it may not always be comfortable or easy, it is normal and needed. Good communication and good sex go together and can lead to a lot more pleasure!

And here is the good news - talking about sex is a language you can learn! Just like any foreign language, it takes practice. The more you practice, the easier it gets.

Do these common responses sound familiar to you?

“I view a discussion about sex as threatening to myself or fear it will feel threatening to my partner, it is easier to say nothing, than to take the risk”

“ I don’t want to hurt my partner’s feelings, so I don’t speak up”  

“ I believe if my partner really loves me or cares about me, they will know what I like and want.”

“ I wonder what my partner is open to trying or into but I am afraid to ask”

“ What used to work before, doesn’t work anymore, how do I tell my partner”

I hear these kind of comments often, so if they resonate with you, you are not alone!

Here are some tips that might help get you started having healthy conversations about sex.

Basic Communication Strategies and Starters

Start the conversation with something positive, “I really love it when...” Then suggest what you want, “I would enjoy more….” Follow that with a specific example, “I think it would be a turn on if we….” Then ask for their feedback, “What do you think would be fun to try?”

Begin sentences with “I” instead of “You” For example: “I’ve noticed some things about my body and how it responds during sex and I want to share that with you” instead of “You aren’t doing what my body needs to get aroused.”

To gather more information and gain understanding, Say things like “tell me more about that…” or repeat what you THINK you heard them say and clarify that you heard accurately what they were trying to communicate.

Have conversations about sex out of the bedroom (not right before or during sex) - perhaps while you are driving in the car together or taking a walk. A neutral location.

Better not to “surprise” your partner, but rather, tell them ahead you want to talk about sex and ask to set up a time to do so.

Practice what you want to say ahead of time. Think through how to communicate in a way that your partner will hear and understand. Is there an example or demonstration to make things more clear?

Tackle one topic at a time. It is better to address one thing at a time and have ongoing short conversations rather than everything all at once.

Give answer options.⁣ ⁣ Sometimes this helps spark a healthy discussion⁣ when one of you wants to try something new ⁣ (new position, place, toy, technique etc...)⁣ Answer options: Yes. No. Maybe⁣ or Thumbs up. Thumbs down. So-So⁣

Start with simple vocabulary words such as: Harder ~ Softer ~ Deeper ~ Faster ~ Slower ~ Stop ~ Up ~ Down ~ Left ~ Right.

To learn more:
Read a book on sex together to help open up conversations.
Listen together to these episodes on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast:
Communication, Couples and Sex
Talking About Sex (when things aren’t great)
Want Better Sex? Ask Yourself These Questions
Sexual Communication

Using Your Senses For Pleasure

Our brain has a sexual excitement system that uses our senses to scan around for sexually relevant stimuli. This system is always working under our conscious level. I want to encourage the idea of consciously activating this system, by using your senses and imagination with intentionality. When we use our mind and engage our senses, we send signals to our brain to “tune in” and those signals can then help press the “on” button to stimulate arousal.

Here are some very simple ideas to spark your thinking and get you started. Get curious and try one thing that brings a new element into your lovemaking. Again the idea is to activate your senses with intention. Keep in mind my friends that sex doesn’t have to be serious and precious all the time. It can be playful, fun and make you laugh together as well. Keep the focus on pleasure!

SEE

• Turn the lights on or use a dimmer switch for soft light

• Use candlelight

• Watch yourself or your partner in a mirror

• Use a blindfold

• Keep your clothes on

• Keep one piece of clothing/shoes on

• Dance for your partner, have your partner dance for you

SMELL

• Candle & Aromatherapy: here are a few researched options to consider: Sandalwood, Jasmine, Peppermint, Lavender, Ylang ylang, Pumpkin (for men), Almond (for women), Vanilla, Licorice, Cinnamon, Basil, Citrus

• Scented lube or scented body massage oil or scented massage candle (Maude’s are lovely)

• Scented bathing products  

TASTE

• Feed each other

• Create and enjoy a fruit feast on your body or your partner’s body,

• Share a mint back and forth as you kiss, or chocolate or another treat

• Edible lube

• Edible massage oil

HEAR

• Create a sexy playlist: choose songs with rhythms that feel erotic to you or with words that resonate for you and your partner, make the list together if possible

• Play ocean waves or raindrops on a sound machine (or whatever sound feels romantic)

• Choose a “sex song” or two or three - when you hear the song let your mind engage with sexual thoughts of your partner. Send the song to your lover when you are thinking of them.

• Tell your partner out loud what you like, communicate your pleasure, make some noise

TOUCH

• All over the body not just the genitals

• Try this pleasure touch exercise

• Massage each other

• Feathers for light touching

• Scarves for drawing along your body or touching through the silky fabric

• Dabble with temperature play using hot and cold sensations

IMAGINE

• Acknowledge your fantasies in your own mind

• Share fantasies with one another

• Act out fantasies or dip a toe into role play

• Bring to mind memories of passionate sexual encounters you have had. These can be erotic keepsakes that you can open and replay in your mind

• Remind your partner of pleasurable and hot sex you have had together. Share the details as sexy foreplay

*Some of the links are “affiliate links,” a link with a special tracking code. This means if you click on an affiliate link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission.

All About Lube

Picture going down a water slide without enough water … It is not comfortable, or fun! Adequate water is needed for the slide to be slippery and cut down on the friction between it - and you! Lubrication is a lot like that.

Whatever you have heard and believed about sex, women and lubrication – throw it out the window and let’s start fresh with the basics. Sex can involve your body parts rubbing or moving against another surface or partner’s body parts. This results in friction. When there is too much friction it can cause discomfort, micro-tears of the skin, or pain. Adequate lubrication reduces the friction.

Reducing friction can also increase pleasure.

This means that adding a personal lubricant into your sex life is not just for when your body needs more moisture to avoid discomfort, but it can also make the sex you’re having slicker, longer lasting and more enjoyable. It can be an enhancement for your sexual activity.

Before you read further, let’s be clear - the cultural myth that a woman getting “wet” is the indicator that she is turned on and aroused is simply not evidenced-based. The best indicator to determine if a woman is aroused is - listening to her words - letting you know she is. Also, a lack of lubrication does not indicate a lack of arousal or desire for sex. These two facts are important for you and a partner to understand.

Lubrication is part of the sexual response cycle.

With arousal, there is increased blood flow to the genitals which begins the lubrication process. Women are all different, but typically need 11-20+ minutes of warming up activities (foreplay) to reach full arousal. A woman’s lubrication can vary day to day and from partner to partner. Women naturally lubricate in varying amounts.

Experiencing times of vaginal dryness is not an “old lady” issue.

There are many reasons why any woman of any age might not produce sufficient vaginal lubrication to allow for pleasurable sex. It may occur on and off in a woman’s life or it may be the nature of the way your individual body works all of the time. Certainly, a woman’s hormonal shifts in life can be a significant factor.

It is normal to experience times of increased dryness after birthing a baby or while breastfeeding. It is well known and documented that menopausal changes and aging can result in vaginal dryness and lack of lubrication. Other factors can affect lubrication as well. Stress, alcohol, medication side effects, dehydration, and skin irritation are a few known culprits.

Touching your genitals when they are dry, is not usually pleasurable!

So, whether for solo play and exploration or for partnered sex, lube is a good thing to have on hand. For the times you and your partner may be having a quickie - lube is most certainly recommended due to the decrease in time for arousal.

Despite what you may have seen on TV or in movies - saliva is not good lube. It isn’t slippery and has no staying power because it evaporates quickly. It can also transmit STI’s and unwanted bacteria from one partner to another.

Using lube with protective barriers like condoms is highly encouraged. It decreases friction that can cause discomfort as well as reduces condom breakage. Pick a lube based on its compatibility with the type of condoms you regularly use. Additionally, a good lubricant is essential for anal play or anal sex. The anus does not self-lubricate at all and penetration of any kind without lube can result in tissue trauma and pain.

BASIC categories of lube:

It is best to think through each type and possibly try a few to determine what will work best for you and your partner. I highly recommend you test out the lube on skin other than your vulva or vagina first to determine any sensitivity. The underside of your arm works well, dab some on there and wait a day to see if you tolerate the lube without irritation. Always check labels, the fewer ingredients - the better.

Silicone based lube: 

Generally well-tolerated, non-irritating, and unlikely to cause allergic reactions. Safe to use with condoms. Not usually compatible to use with silicone toys. A little goes a long way, slippery not runny, and stays where you put it. Long lasting, and doesn’t evaporate. Suggestion: Uberlube.

Water-based lube:

Thinner consistency and dries up quickly which may require reapplication. Often a good choice for those with sensitive skin. Check ingredients and steer clear of parabens, fragrances and glycerin. Easy cleanup. Safe with latex condoms and silicone toys. Suggestions: Coconu, Good Clean Love Almost Naked, Okanagan Joy.

Oil based lube:

Thicker consistency and can play multiple roles as a friction reducer as well as great for skin-on-skin contact and sensual massage. Be careful with ingredients - may cause irritation/infection in some women. Not safe with latex condoms. Suggestion: Coconu

Food Oils:

None are recommended for vaginal lubrication. Though many people tell me they use coconut oil with good results and no ill effects. Food oils can speed up growth of bacteria and yeast in the vagina. They don’t flush out of your system easily. Oil causes condom breakage - do not use with condoms. Suggestion: Coconut oil

Petroleum-based lubricants (Vaseline, mineral oil)

These products should not be used internally and are not recommended. They can irritate and promote bacterial growth that can lead to infections. Never use with condoms or other latex barriers because they cause breakage.

More Options:

Hybrid lubes: a mix of water based with some silicone that provides a longer-lasting benefit with easier clean up. Suggestion: Good Clean Love
Lubes infused with CBD or hemp. Suggestions: Coconu, Foria, GoLove
Edible or flavored lubes

To try UberLube use code CINDY for 15% off
To try Coconu use my affiliate link and code Pleasure for 15% off
To try Okanagan Joy use my discount code CINDY15

*AFFILIATE LINKS AND RECOMMENDATIONS: I may earn a small commission when readers purchase products through my affiliate links. This doesn't affect which products are included. I choose products carefully, and anything I recommend on my website is recommended for its quality, performance, and overall reputation, regardless of any affiliate relationship.