Book Review: 'Becoming Cliterate' by Laurie Mintz, Ph.D.

Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., a psychology professor and human sexuality expert, gets to the heart of ‘Why Orgasm Equality Matters - And How To Get It’ in her book Becoming Cliterate. This is a worthwhile read for any woman, but I especially like it for women in their 20-30’s.

Becoming Cliterate won the 2019 Consumer Book of the Year Award from the Society of Sex Therapy and Research for “enhancing understanding of human sexuality and solving sexual problems.” The word I hear most often from women to describe how they feel after reading this book is “empowered!”

Mintz draws on her many years of teaching college aged women with her sassy, articulate, and funny writing style. This makes the book easy to read as well as entertaining. It is written almost like a guide and includes exercises, an abundance of tips and strategies as well as a section written specifically for men, (because honestly, don’t we want everyone to be cliterate!)

This book will increase your knowledge of the clitoris, masturbation, orgasm, female pleasure and communication with a partner in a non-clinical language you can easily receive. Myths will be debunked and truths will be told with the science to back it up. Included at the end is an appendix “Cool Tidbits For Your Lady Bits” that highlights resources - love that!

You can hear Laurie talk about these topics and her book in Episode 2 of the Permission for Pleasure Podcast! HERE

***** Highly recommend

Buy on Amazon

Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.

SSRIs and Your Sex Life

A significant number of people are taking medications for depression or anxiety and they are not always aware of the possible side effects to their sexual health. Truthfully, even if the usual side effects are listed for you, the ones dealing with your sex life are often left off that list.

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are the most commonly prescribed type of antidepressant and the 3rd most often prescribed medication in the United States. They are also prescribed to treat anxiety disorders. While not every person on SSRIs experiences side effects, these types of medication are known to have a potential impact on your sexual health. Studies indicate that these side effects may occur after a few doses, show up years afterward and can possibly persist for decades after use.

Medication Examples include: Prozac, Celexa, Zoloft, Paxil, Lexapro, Luvox

Possible secondary sexual problems caused by these medications are:

• Less interest in sex

• Difficulty becoming aroused

• Sustaining arousal

• Issues reaching orgasm

• Delayed ejaculation

• Erectile problems

• Genital anesthesia

• Nipple insensitivity

• Decreased lubrication of the vagina

• Diminished capacity to experience sexual pleasure

• Pleasureless orgasms

Helpful considerations:

• Keep in mind that depression & anxiety itself may be the underlying cause of some sexual difficulties and this must be taken into account when troubleshooting if what you are experiencing is related to a medication or a mental health condition.

• The majority of side effects are overlapping except for the following that have been found specific to SSRIs: genital anesthesia, nipple or glans insensitivity, and pleasureless orgasms.

• Talk to your medical provider about the side effects you are experiencing. Discuss the possibility of adjusting dosage, or another medication that is known to be sexually sparing, or having less sexual side effects. (tips for talking with your healthcare provider)

• Talk openly with your partner about what you are experiencing. Have an honest conversation about the changes or issues and how the two of you might adapt or work with them together. Revisit this conversation often.

• Notice what time of day you have the least amount of side effects and schedule sex for that time. Try morning sex instead of late at night.

• Consider using a vibrator as a tool for a quicker arousal and warming up with potential to reach orgasm.

• Bring a lube into your sexual tool kit to decrease friction and increase pleasure.

• Try exercising before sex, to increase blood flow to your genitals.

• Work with a trained therapist to talk through issues, problems, and possible solutions.

*photo courtesy of Kristin Scharkey

Your Accelerator & Brake

YOUR DUAL CONTROL SYSTEM

Your brain and its two part sexual control system

There is a dual sexual control system at work in your brain. It includes an accelerator and a brake.

A lot of people think there might be something wrong with their accelerator or their on.

More often, the issues are with your brake or off’s.

Investigate what pushes your brake.

*Link to Book Review mentioned in video

Erectile Changes vs Erectile Dysfunction

Most people are aware that women experience sexual health changes with midlife and menopause, but are not so aware that men experience changes with midlife and aging as well. ⁣

For men, erection changes are normal as they move into middle age and beyond. ⁣ ⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

Many people assume the source of the changes is the condition called erectile dysfunction that they get regularly exposed to through the seemingly endless number of ads and commercials on TV and radio for medications to address it.    

⁣Just because you experience 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘴 as you age, does not necessarily mean you have erectile dysfunction. ⁣⁣⁣

Normal changes that might occur with aging: ⁣⁣⁣

• You don't become erect as quickly 

• You don't become erect with fantasy alone⁣⁣⁣

• To become erect, you need direct stimulation⁣⁣⁣

• Erections may not feel as firm 

• Erections may droop from minor distractions⁣⁣⁣

• It takes longer to get an erection again after orgasm/ejaculation

The changes above are symptomatic of the lesser known term erectile dissatisfaction. (dissatisfaction being the result of a man comparing his current erections to those when he was younger, and feeling his erections aren't quite the same)⁣

Strictly speaking, true erectile dysfunction is the inability to get and keep an erection firm enough for sex.  Perhaps an easier way to think about it is the inability to get and keep an erection despite vigorous and persistent stimulation. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣

If you are experiencing erectile changes, now is the time to get proactive by educating yourself about why the changes occur and what options are available to help.

Giving up on sex is not the answer!

Have an honest conversation with yourself first and acknowledge what is going on. Then, open up a discussion with your partner about the changes. See if the two of you can figure out ways to adapt your sex life to the changes. 

Here are a few initial adjustments to consider if you are experiencing erectile dissatisfaction:

• Keep your head in the game (!) - stay mentally focused and present

• Plan for sex before big meals and alcohol consumption not afterwards (keep the blood flow going to your genitals, not your digestive system)

• Timing - morning or afternoon sex instead of evening or night hours (you have more energy and testosterone levels are highest in the morning)

• Try exercising before sex to increase blood flow to your genitals for faster arousal

• Reframe penis-centered sex, focus less on your penis and more on full body pleasure

• Keep performance anxiety in check - erection changes do not equal sexual failure

• Have an agreed upon plan in place if you lose your erection during sex - such as we’ll use a toy, or switch to oral or manual stimulation

• Recognize that your refractory period (simply your recovery times between orgasm/ejaculation and your next erection) lengthens as you age. Take this into account and refrain from masturbating 12-24 hours before partnered sex. Scheduling sex can be helpful in managing this. 

Outside of the normal changes with aging, there are many factors that can contribute to, or cause difficulties with erectile function. Though not an exhaustive list, below are some of the potential contributors that need to be considered.

POSSIBLE CAUSES OF erectile issues for men:

• Stress

• Anxiety

• Fatigue

• Excessive alcohol use

• Smoking

• Decline in testosterone or testosterone deficiency

• Conflict in the relationship

• Performance anxiety

• Medications (for example: diuretics, antihistamines, blood-pressure meds, antidepressants, or treatments for cancer)

• Underlying health conditions such as: cardiovascular disease, diabetes, MS, Parkinson’s, clogged blood vessels, high cholesterol

• Thyroid function

• Treatments for prostate cancer

• Sometimes a combination of physical and psychological issues causes dysfunction 

As you can see by the length of the list above, that it may be worth scheduling a visit with your healthcare provider to help determine if any of the issues (or others) are affecting your erectile functioning.  Also, it’s important to understand that this same list can possibly be affecting your sexual desire as well. If opening these kinds of conversations feels daunting, read my talking points to have a game plan in place before you see your healthcare provider.

Erectile issues are a big and sometimes complicated topic. This short blog is just the tip of the iceberg. There is much more to discuss regarding options, medications, and devices available for erectile dissatisfaction and/or erectile dysfunction. My hope is after reading here, you will open this important conversation with yourself, your partner and your medical provider.

Men, you are not alone in this.

As freaked out as you might feel about your penis not doing what it used to, these changes do not make you less of a man or require retirement from sex! Get educated, talk to your partner, make adjustments and schedule an appointment with your healthcare provider for a check up. 

More on this topic:
How Toxic Masculinity Can Invade Your Sex Life
Men and Sex
Misconceptions Men Believe About Sex
Midlife and Beyond

Book Review: Naked at Our Age, Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex

This book is a solid resource for my over 50 crowd. As the author points out, “wrinkles and decades of birthdays are no deterrent to hot sex.”

Joan Price, calls herself an "advocate for ageless sexuality” and she does a great job of talking out loud about senior sex! The approach is honest and no nonsense in addressing both the challenges and joys of pursing love and sex in the second half of life.

NAKED AT OUR AGE READS A LOT LIKE A QUESTION & ANSWER WORKSHOP.

Men and women from all walks of life candidly ask their questions and tell their stories about sex. Then, the author, along with a wide range of experts, gives their answers, tips and advice. It is very easy to read and has a good index to search for specific topics.

Covering both physical and emotional topics, it addresses relationship issues as well as common health concerns and includes a lot of tangible ideas for sexuality in your 50’s and beyond.

(Do you see all my stickies in the photo? There are some gems in this book!!)

There are 20 chapters, here are a few examples: Reviving Desire, Sex With Myself, Reclaiming Sexuality After Cancer, Erectile Dysfunction (2 chapters), and The Old Ways Don't Do It Anymore.

Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.

Book Review: 'She Comes First' by Ian Kerner

‘She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman’ is written to men, but is a great all around read for women and couples together. Witty and easy to follow, it is filled with lots of solid information about female anatomy and sexual pleasure, and a plethora about oral sex!

Kerner, a sex therapist, acknowledges that most men are “ill-cliterate,” and with this book provides simple language for every man to get better acquainted with the female clitoris. As he states, “this book is not anti-intercourse, but rather pro-”outercourse,” which goes along with his statement that “oral sex isn’t just foreplay, it’s coreplay.”

I recommend couples read this book together and discuss it along the way. Learn something new, try something new and have lot’s and lot’s of fun conversation along the way!

Here’s an excerpt I like from Kerner in answer to the number one question sent in to him by women:

”What can I do to have an orgasm during intercourse?”

"Here's a simple answer: Don't have intercourse.

Or at least make it part of the larger event and not the event itself...

When we know how to recognize and navigate the process of female sexual response, when we understand the role of the clitoris in stimulating that process, then sex becomes easier, simpler, and more rewarding, and we're impelled to create pleasure not just with our penises, but with our hands and mouths, bodies and minds. In letting go of intercourse, we open ourselves up to new creative ways of experiencing pleasure, ways that may not strike us as inherently masculine, but ultimately allow us to be more of a man. Sex is no longer penis-dependent, and we can let go of the usual anxieties about size, stamina, and performance. We are free to love with more of ourselves, with our entire self."

Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.

Pleasurable Touch Exercise

PLEASURABLE TOUCH

Often, we give touch the way we want to receive it. Our partner may enjoy touch differently than we do since everyone does not receive touch the same way.
It is important to communicate to your partner how and where you enjoy being touched.
Also, it is important to ask your partner how and where they enjoy being touched.

If you know each other extremely well, the exercise below may play out differently than if you are new to each other. Either way - have fun, listen well, communicate honestly and enjoy intentionally giving and receiving touch with each other.

This is a wonderful exercise to do regularly as a couple. We change, and pleasure in how we receive touch can also change.

TOUCHING SESSION

• Take turns touching each other’s bodies all over

• Start at the feet or head, and then move over the whole body, everywhere but the genitals

• Tell each other how and where touch is most pleasurable for you

• Listen and take note of what your partner says

• Use a simple rating system that feels comfortable for you to communicate levels of pleasure

  • 0-5 (0 = doesn’t really do anything for me, 5 = that’s my favorite)

  • Humming or murmuring quietly to loudly

  • Simply saying yes, no or maybe

• Fun options

  • Use massage oil or a massage candle for the touch session (check out products from Maude use code CINDY10 and Coconu use code PLEASURE)

  • Blindfold the partner receiving touch

  • At another time, use the information you gathered here first to touch your partner in all the places they find pleasurable and then include the genitals

*I may earn a small commission if you purchase products from my links. I choose carefully and only recommend products for their quality, performance, and overall reputation, regardless of any affiliate relationship.

Medications and Your Sexual Health

Medications can affect your sexual health.

It is always smart to ask about side effects before starting any medication. It is also smart to ask specifically about side effects to your sexual health. Although I realize that many providers do not address sex, I want to encourage you to be the one to bring it up! If that sounds scary, I have provided tips on how to talk to a provider about sex to help you.

Your sexual health matters and I want to help you gain confidence to talk about it! If you think you may be experiencing side effects like these below or others, contact your health care provider to discuss it.

Examples of sexual function that can be affected:

• ability to reach orgasm

• natural lubrication

• diminishment of sensations

• erectile dysfunction or problems with ejaculation

• decrease in sexual desire.

Examples of medications that may have side effects for your sexual health:

• antidepressants (SSRIs and your sex life)

• hormones and hormonal birth control

• anti-hypertensives for high blood pressure

• some antihistamines

What Is Pre-Cum? Can I Get Pregnant From It?

The fluid that comes out of a penis during arousal — but before ejaculation — is called pre-ejaculate. Some people refer to it as “pre-cum.”

It is made up of several fluids but mostly fluid from the Cowper's gland. Its main functions are to provide lubrication and neutralize the acidity of the urethra.

Pre-cum can contain live sperm in a small percentage of people. Sperm may also be present if the person has not urinated since their last ejaculation.

So, the fact is:

You can get pregnant from pre-cum.

Pre-ejaculate fluid can also contain STI’s (sexually transmitted infections).

Also, most men cannot tell when they have pre-ejaculated.

Coitus Interruptus or The Withdrawal Method are terms for unprotected penetrative sex where the penis is pulled out prior to ejaculation. If you use "pulling out" as your primary method of birth control, the estimated chance of pregnancy over a one year period is 1 in 5.

Can Women Be Multiorgasmic? How Can I Experience Multiple Orgasms?

Question: “I’ve read a lot about women having multiple orgasms at a time. Is that a real thing? How can I achieve multiple orgasms at one time?”

Yes! women can be multi-orgasmic

Multi-orgasmic means capable of having more than one orgasm in a single sexual session. While women have the capacity to be multi-orgasmic, not every woman experiences them nor desires them. The available research suggests approximately 15% of women report experiencing multiple orgasms and there is also a broad range of how women describe their experiences. Multi-orgasmic women would attest that allowing yourself to experience multiple orgasms requires not only a good understanding of your own body and how you function sexually, but a good amount of practice as well.

Whether you experience one orgasm at a time or more in one setting — you are normal!

Orgasm is something you allow to happen.

Often women need an adjustment in their mindset from achieve to allow. This may help with recognizing and experiencing pleasure and that alone is a win. If the orgasms keep coming, well …. even more reason to celebrate. (More on orgasm here.)

Women have a large area of erectile tissue included in the whole clitoral network. All of that network is available to be activated with stimulation if there is adequate arousal. After experiencing an orgasm, the resolution phase (lowering of arousal) is a slower process for women. So, if arousal is maintained post initial climax, women can have the ability to build up to orgasm again and again in the same sexual session. Certainly, people may take a rest or pause, however they don’t allow enough time to significantly lower their level of arousal.

Keep in mind that it helps to be open to various forms of stimulation and ways to orgasm if you are wanting to experiment with understanding your body and how it can build up to orgasm more than once. Female bodies are able to experience many different kinds or types of orgasms depending on where and how the clitoral network or other erogenous zones are being stimulated.

(To learn more listen ‘The Key to Female Pleasure’)

Each orgasm may feel differently — this is normal.

Multi-orgasmic women describe making use of varied pleasure zones as well as forms of stimulation. So, while some people may be more prone than others to experience multiple orgasms, another factor that might come into play is one’s openness to what sex can look like. For example: oral stimulation; manual (self or partnered) stimulation; sensual touch and nipple play; penetration; pleasure techniques with penetration; stimulation to your G-spot, vibrators and changing of positions - all these variations are options for stimulating all the parts of the clitoris and other pleasure sensitive areas. Again, realistically it may take time for you to learn to recognize your response to various stimulation and what you enjoy and find pleasure in. Yes, that’s my encouragement for practice!

Be attentive to your most important sex organ!

Your brain is your most important sex organ. Mentally focus on pleasure and sensation rather than a goal of becoming multi-orgasmic. This is a healthy mindset that can help you in the allowing of climax. Intentionally engage your sensuality - what sparks or arouses sexual feelings or desire. Tune into your senses, this activates your sexual excitement system which you want to keep fired up to maintain arousal.

If having multiple orgasms is something you are curious about, and you are having partnered sex, talk about your desire together. You may also want to investigate these four techniques that women use to increase their pleasure with penetration. Communication is essential as you mutually explore.

* A note about males and multi-orgasm. While they may have the capacity to be multi-orgasmic, many don’t investigate this. For most men, climax usually involves ejaculation, (multi-orgasmic men often learn to experience orgasm without ejaculation). After ejaculation, the lowering of arousal phase (called refractory phase) is fast for men — much quicker than for women. Many men are unable to immediately become physically aroused again. From the research, we find that while males have the capacity to experience more than one orgasm in a sexual session, few have the desire to gain the needed self-control training required to experience it.
Curious? Listen to this episode: Can Men Be Mulit-orgasmic?