New Year Intentions For Better Sex
Intentions for better sex in the new year.
Get to know your body and anatomy
Gain more understanding of your sexuality
Give yourself permission to try something new
Get curious about eroticism and sensual play
Gain more education about sex through the podcast
Give yourself permission to talk about sex
Grow your sexual conversation with a partner by using these prompts
Gift yourself a vibrator or toy
Grab a good lubricant for sex
Get curious about temperature play
Give your arousal a nudge with these three tips
Get up for morning sex
Gift yourself a sexual wellness retreat with my book Permission for Pleasure: Tending Your Sexual Garden
Get out of your bedroom boredom with an Ayra intimacy subscription box (use my discount code CS15)
Glow up your arousal with Foria’s CBD Intimacy Oil
Sexify Your Bedroom
Ten tips to sexify your bedroom. Try one of these ideas to set up your environment for better sex and intimacy.
How to build a sex-y bedroom: ten tips to sexify your space
We can’t all have an entire room just for sexy fun! But we can take some steps to make the space we do have feel sexier and more sensual. Research shows that those with the most enjoyable sex life, set up their environment for sex with intention. Choose from - moody lighting, mirrors, props, privacy and more.
level up your bedroom for better sex
First things first - get a lock on the door. It can decrease anxiety around being interrupted, walked-in on or surprised at the exactly the wrong time! Privacy and having a safe space for intimacy is your first priority.
If it isn’t for sleeping or sex - can you get it out of your bedroom? Clutter, dirty laundry, paperwork, electronics, unfinished projects - look around your space and see what you can eliminate that doesn’t help you sleep or have great sex. Get rid of distractions!
Keep the TV out of your sexy space. I know, I know! Some of you will strongly disagree about this, but studies have shown that couples have more sex when there isn’t a TV in their bedroom.
If it’s available to you, invest in high-quality sheets. The kind that make you want to slip into them. If that isn’t an option, wash your sheets often and use a lavender dryer bag or spritz them with an intoxicating scent you enjoy before jumping in.
Moody lighting. Whether you use candlelight, a dimmer switch, the soft glow from a small lamp or changing lightbulb that allows you adjust percentage/colors - light your room to match your mood. Create the atmosphere that turns you on!
Have a photo of you and your partner visible. This tip is especially for parents. Your children are amazing, but the family album on your bedside may not spark the desire you are looking for. It can be hard enough to switch from parent to lover, and a picture you really like of the two of you might be just the thing to remind you who you're in bed with.
Use a speaker for music or sound machine for privacy. Go ahead and create a sexy playlist while you’re at it or choose the ocean waves sound to get you in the mood.
Stop scrolling. Our phones are so distracting. Keep your head in the game and pay attention to each other rather than social media, email and texts. Let the last thing you touch at night and the first thing you touch in the morning - be your partner rather than your phone!
Mirror mirror on the wall. If you really enjoy the visual of watching your partner or watching the two of you together having sex, see if there is space for a mirror somewhere in your bedroom. Many people find this a turn on and a sensual way to connect with each other.
Bedroom props. Keep a pillow or two around to change up positions. If you like chair sex - keep one in your bedroom. Do you have a drawer or place to keep your toys and lube? Make sure the items you enjoy for sex are easily available.
Bonus Tip: Read these tips with your partner or listen to me talk about them on the podcast, and pick one or two ideas together to sexify your space!
Make Some Noise During Sex
Women often censor themselves in their experience with pleasure and passion by not giving themselves the freedom to make noise during sex. Copulatory vocalizations are natural and normal.
For many years I worked as a Labor and Delivery nurse, helping to guide strong women through their birth experiences. I was surprised to find that in the midst of doing this incredible work of birthing their child, they were censoring themselves and trying to keep silent. This did not serve them well in the intense work and whole body experience of labor. I was always encouraging mothers to moan and groan or make whatever noise release felt good for them, as they worked with their bodies to bring their babies into the world.
It often took quite a bit of coaxing to get the women to vocalize. They didn’t feel it was acceptable or okay for them to make noise. This is because so many women have been conditioned to be silent or to be quiet in general. And not just with pain and discomfort, but also when their bodies are in movement, action or pleasure.
This idea parallels with sex.
Women often censor themselves in their experience with pleasure and passion by not giving themselves the freedom to make noise. It is natural and normal to be vocal with the sensations you experience during sex. Allowing your body to express itself audibly can be powerful and usher in more erotic energy.
Explore the idea of allowing yourself to connect your voice with the feelings in your body.
Give yourself the freedom to express what your body is experiencing. This may also help you be more present in your body.
The term for this is copulatory vocalizations.
Scientists have found that sexual noises may enhance pleasure. Pleasure is not something that you must keep silent about, it is not a secret you have to keep! Additionally, making noise may also serve as non-verbal communication and positive reinforcement with a partner. So…
Moan, Scream, Talk, Whisper, Sigh, Groan, Cry, Hum…
Get curious about giving yourself permission to make some noise.
Listen: 'Cultivating Your Sensuality & Erotic Energy' on the Smart Sex podcast
Listen in on my nourishing conversation about sensuality and erotic energy with certified sex therapist Leslie Gustafson on the Smart Sex podcast.
I was back as a guest with sex therapist Leslie Gustafson on the Smart Sex Podcast, with a nourishing conversation for women of all ages on cultivating your sensuality and erotic energy.
We define and highlight ways in which women can embrace these vital elements of sexuality individually, as well as in relationships. Our discussion addresses the potential barriers to sensuality & eroticism, and highlights strategies for using your senses, voice, touch, movement and mind to journey into more freedom and fullness of healthy sexuality.
Join the conversation via the links below.
(Links to our previous episodes: Her Body, Her Pleasure HERE and Foreplay & Arousal HERE)
Pleasurable Touch Exercise
Communicate to your partner how and where you enjoy being touched.
PLEASURABLE TOUCH
Often, we give touch the way we want to receive it. Our partner may enjoy touch differently than we do since everyone does not receive touch the same way.
It is important to communicate to your partner how and where you enjoy being touched.
Also, it is important to ask your partner how and where they enjoy being touched.
If you know each other extremely well, the exercise below may play out differently than if you are new to each other. Either way - have fun, listen well, communicate honestly and enjoy intentionally giving and receiving touch with each other.
This is a wonderful exercise to do regularly as a couple. We change, and pleasure in how we receive touch can also change.
TOUCHING SESSION
Take turns touching each other’s bodies all over
Start at the feet or head, and then move over the whole body, everywhere but the genitals
Tell each other how and where touch is most pleasurable for you
Listen and take note of what your partner says
Use a simple rating system that feels comfortable for you to communicate levels of pleasure
0-5 (0 = doesn’t really do anything for me, 5 = that’s my favorite)
Humming or murmuring quietly to loudly
Simply saying yes, no or maybe
Fun options
Use massage oil or a massage candle for the touch session (check out products from Maude use code CINDY10 and Coconu use code PLEASURE)
Blindfold the partner receiving touch
At another time, use the information you gathered here first to touch your partner in all the places they find pleasurable and then include the genitals
*I may earn a small commission if you purchase products from my links. I choose carefully and only recommend products for their quality, performance, and overall reputation, regardless of any affiliate relationship.
When A Partner Wants To Try Something New
My partner wants to try something new in the bedroom. I ‘m not comfortable with it. What now?
Consent - Curiosity - Communication!
“My partner wants to try ______ (fill in the blank) and I am not sure I’m comfortable with that.” “Do I have to do it?” “How do I handle this?”
I field this question so often from women regarding any number of sexual activities. Using the three C’s can help you work through this.
Mutual consent is a non-negotiable
First and foremost, you don't have to do anything you are not comfortable with and your partner should respect your choices. You always have the right to say "No thanks!" It is vitally important that both partners be in agreement regarding whatever they choose to do sexually together.
Also, get curious
Get curious with yourself first. Ask yourself some honest questions about why you feel the way you do about whatever the request is. Are you afraid? Does it gross you out? Have you heard or read things that have influenced you feeling the way you do? Is it possible that fear of failure is an issue for you, if it doesn’t go well? Is there an alternative compromise that you might feel comfortable with?
Next, get curious with your partner. If you are in a trusting relationship and your partner is asking to try something new, ask questions to understand what might be the broader desire behind the request. Is it that they are bored? Want to experiment? Are feeling adventurous? Did they see or hear something that sparked their curiosity? Have they always had a sexual fantasy but never verbalized it?
Communication is key
We are all humans, and humans have sexual desire. It is a normal thing to talk about our sexual desires. Have an honest conversation with one another about your answers to the questions above. This can be really enlightening for both of you and your sexual relationship.
Keep in mind that trying something different, whether it’s a hit or a miss, provides you with new information. This can be super helpful and enriching for your intimacy. If you mutually decide to try something new, here are some questions for consideration afterward.
* Did you enjoy it?
* Did you experience pleasure?
* Did it feel just right?
* Is it just - not what you’re into?
* Did you discover, maybe not that exactly, but...
* Or that’s a yes, but perhaps with this adjustment.
CONSENT! curiousITY! communicatioN!
For more on this topic:
Talking to your partner about sex
Communication, Couples and Sex
Talking About Sex (when things aren’t great)
Sexual Communication
ARYA intimacy experiences for couples - Use my discount CS15 (affiliate link)
Create a Sexy Playlist
Music is proven to have a very powerful effect on our behavior.
Music is proven to have a very powerful effect on our behavior. It is also known to increase our focus. Did you know you can use your sense of hearing to increase arousal and desire?
Your brain uses your senses to notice and pay attention to things that turn you on. By connecting with music intentionally and sensually, you can activate the sexual excitement center in your brain.
In this way:
Music can be a potent aphrodisiac.
Music also has a way of cementing a memory and it can be a sexy positive one. Think about it, have you ever associated a memory or feeling with a particular song? For example, “that song” was the first song we danced to, or “that song” was playing when I first kissed someone, or “that song” reminds me of my favorite road trip. Being intentional with music can be a fun and creative way to make sensual connections. For you alone, or for you and a partner.
creating a Sexy Playlist.
Here are a few ideas to get you started with your playlist to trigger your sensuality and arousal:
As you hear songs that tickle your fancy note them down. Choose songs with rhythms that feel erotic to you or with words that resonate for you.
Start with one song and intentionally play it and dance to it - alone, being mindful of connecting your body and mind with the song and the imagery it brings.
Think back to songs in the past that evoke positive sensual memories for you.
Tell yourself truths as you hear these songs like, “I am a sexual human,” “It is normal for me to have sexual thoughts and feelings,” “This feels good to me,” “My body is beautiful.”
Combine fantasies with songs on your playlist.
Further steps for a shared playlist with your partner
Share the song or songs with them; communicate how it makes you FEEL.
When you hear the songs let your mind engage with sexual thoughts of your partner.
Text your lover when you hear the song and use a “code” word or emoji you have decided on together. Or send them a snippet of the song to let them know you are thinking about them.
When the song comes on and others (or kids) are present, turn to each other and wink or link fingers or lean in for a quick kiss.
Begin making a list together of songs that you BOTH enjoy and feel sensual to you as a couple. Have fun adding songs one by one.
Play your sexy playlist when you have scheduled a time to be sexual together.
Play the list when you want to awaken your arousal in anticipation of a scheduled sex date.
Play the list to signal to your partner, without words that you would LIKE sexual time together.
Listen to more ideas in Episode 22 of the Permission for Pleasure Podcast: Date Ideas
Can Women Be Multiorgasmic? How Can I Experience Multiple Orgasms?
Are multiple orgasms possible? Yes they are and here are some tips for exploring and enjoying more pleasure.
Question: “I’ve read a lot about women having multiple orgasms at a time. Is that a real thing? How can I achieve multiple orgasms at one time?”
Yes! women can be multi-orgasmic
Multi-orgasmic means capable of having more than one orgasm in a single sexual session. While women have the capacity to be multi-orgasmic, not every woman experiences them nor desires them. The available research suggests approximately 15% of women report experiencing multiple orgasms and there is also a broad range of how women describe their experiences. Multi-orgasmic women would attest that allowing yourself to experience multiple orgasms requires not only a good understanding of your own body and how you function sexually, but a good amount of practice as well.
Whether you experience one orgasm at a time or more in one setting — you are normal!
Orgasm is something you allow to happen.
Often women need an adjustment in their mindset from achieve to allow. This may help with recognizing and experiencing pleasure and that alone is a win. If the orgasms keep coming, well …. even more reason to celebrate. (More on orgasm here.)
Women have a large area of erectile tissue included in the whole clitoral network. All of that network is available to be activated with stimulation if there is adequate arousal. After experiencing an orgasm, the resolution phase (lowering of arousal) is a slower process for women. So, if arousal is maintained post initial climax, women can have the ability to build up to orgasm again and again in the same sexual session. Certainly, people may take a rest or pause, however they don’t allow enough time to significantly lower their level of arousal.
Keep in mind that it helps to be open to various forms of stimulation and ways to orgasm if you are wanting to experiment with understanding your body and how it can build up to orgasm more than once. Female bodies are able to experience many different kinds or types of orgasms depending on where and how the clitoral network or other erogenous zones are being stimulated.
(To learn more listen ‘The Key to Female Pleasure’)
Each orgasm may feel differently — this is normal.
Multi-orgasmic women describe making use of varied pleasure zones as well as forms of stimulation. So, while some people may be more prone than others to experience multiple orgasms, another factor that might come into play is one’s openness to what sex can look like. For example: oral stimulation; manual (self or partnered) stimulation; sensual touch and nipple play; penetration; pleasure techniques with penetration; stimulation to your G-spot, vibrators and changing of positions - all these variations are options for stimulating all the parts of the clitoris and other pleasure sensitive areas. Again, realistically it may take time for you to learn to recognize your response to various stimulation and what you enjoy and find pleasure in. Yes, that’s my encouragement for practice!
Be attentive to your most important sex organ!
Your brain is your most important sex organ. Mentally focus on pleasure and sensation rather than a goal of becoming multi-orgasmic. This is a healthy mindset that can help you in the allowing of climax. Intentionally engage your sensuality - what sparks or arouses sexual feelings or desire. Tune into your senses, this activates your sexual excitement system which you want to keep fired up to maintain arousal.
If having multiple orgasms is something you are curious about, and you are having partnered sex, talk about your desire together. You may also want to investigate these four techniques that women use to increase their pleasure with penetration. Communication is essential as you mutually explore.
* A note about males and multi-orgasm. While they may have the capacity to be multi-orgasmic, many don’t investigate this. For most men, climax usually involves ejaculation, (multi-orgasmic men often learn to experience orgasm without ejaculation). After ejaculation, the lowering of arousal phase (called refractory phase) is fast for men — much quicker than for women. Many men are unable to immediately become physically aroused again. From the research, we find that while males have the capacity to experience more than one orgasm in a sexual session, few have the desire to gain the needed self-control training required to experience it.
Curious? Listen to this episode: Can Men Be Mulit-orgasmic?
