Childhood Sexual Abuse Prevention: 2 Tools For Parents

We all want to keep children safe from sexual abuse. While there is no foolproof way to protect them, there are some tools to help reduce the risk. The one to start with?

Teach your child the correct names for their genitals and body parts.

Children who know the correct names for their body parts are better able to tell you when something is wrong.

As your child gains language, move toward the two tools below. These give parents and caregivers tangible ways to direct kids with words as well as action steps when they are in an uncomfortable or unsafe situation. This needs to be an ongoing conversation with your child - not a one time discussion!

IT IS IMPORTANT TO BRING THIS TOPIC UP REGULARLY.

Ask questions, role play, and provide opportunities for your child to talk about how to handle potential situations with you. Communicate often to your child that they can come to you with any concerns or questions.

Start with the 3 simple words for young children. Then, add the easy to remember acronym from NSPCC (which they call PANTS), as your child approaches school age.

FOR YOUNG CHILDREN

NO - use your voice and say no!

GO - use your feet and go.

TELL - use your mouth and tell a trusted adult.

AS CHILDREN APPROACH SCHOOL AGE

• Privates are Private

• Always remember your body belongs to you

• No means no

• Talk about secrets that upset you

• Speak up, someone can help

Learn more:

These tips are a part of my parent workshop. Book a workshop with a few friends!

Read my letter of encouragement to parents.

Read my conversations starters for parents.

6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child.

Listen to the Permission for Pleasure Podcast: Why Sex-Ed Really Matters and the Mother/Daughter Interview: Healthy Conversations About Sex

Condoms And Vaginal Health

Most people tolerate condoms well. If you have sensitivity, or you are looking for products with the least number of additives:

Consider these 3 things:

• Avoid condoms with spermicide (they typically include nonoxynol-9 or N-9)

• If condoms with lubricant already added are irritating - choose lubricant-free.

  Add your own preferred lubricant (water-based or silicone, not oil based)

• Consider using polyurethane rather than latex.

options:

• Maude condoms are vegan, made from 100% natural latex, vegan and free from spermicide or fragrance. (Use my Maude affiliate link/code CINDY10 to try them)

• Sustain condoms are nitrosamine-free

Book Review: The Menopause Manifesto by Dr. Jen Gunter

Looking for a one stop resource for all things menopause? This comprehensive book might be what you’re looking for. Dr. Jen Gunter covers just about any topic you might want to read about with clear language, medical science, and a dose of feminism.

There has been so much silence and misinformation around women’s bodies. And what isn’t shrouded in silence is skewed toward the negative cultural narrative and body shaming. Women tell me all the time that they lack the education needed to navigate the changing seasons their body goes through. As a result, they experience so much anxiety and uncertainly that it can be difficult to see their way clearly or understand the options available to them.

This book will help prepare you with the information you need before you get to the menopause transition or while you are in it. Gunter, a seasoned obstetrician and gynecologist, separates fact from fiction in a conversational voice that is easy to read. Along the way, she also shares parts of her own journey through the menopause. And don’t let the length scare you away. There is a helpful index to easily look up the topics you are interested in, and you can skip subjects that don’t pertain to your own situation.

As the author says,

“THE ONLY THING PREDICTABLE ABOUT MENOPAUSE IS ITS UNPREDICTABILITY.”

Education goes a long way toward navigating the unpredictable and helping you make good health decisions that are right for you.

*Here’s an episode about Midlife, Menopause & Beyond on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast.

Buy on Amazon

Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.

Book Review: Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire, by Lori Brotto, PhD.

“Attention training through mindfulness may be part of the recipe for cooking up sexual desire.”

Do you want to know how sexual desire works and how it can be cultivated? Dr. Lori Brotto, a professor, researcher, and psychologist shares the research-based truth about female desire in this book. 

If you thought it was all about the hormones, think again! Brotto says, “Mood, sense of well-being, body image, self-esteem, and how a woman feels about her partner turned out to be far stronger predictors of her level of sexual desire than a single hormone.” She goes on to give many examples to help the reader understand how these elements in a woman’s life have an impact on desire.

What I appreciate about Lori Brotto is her ability to share all the best that science and research have to offer, in language every one of us can understand and apply for ourselves. Furthermore, in this book she offers practical tools and exercises that have been proven to help you transform your sex life.

Brotto’s studies have shown that paying attention during sex is a key factor in sexual arousal while inattention is a major inhibitor of a healthy sexual response. Our minds are busy, stressed and constantly multi-tasking. While it may seem obvious, we often forget that this does not bode well for our sex lives.

How do we pay more attention, and be more present during sex? 

According to the research, Brotto says one way proven to help is “attention training through mindfulness.” What is mindfulness exactly? It is about “fully inhabiting the present moment, without trying to change anything. It involves a complete acceptance of who you are and what your experience is--without judgment,” says the author.

If the idea of mindfulness feels weird or difficult to you, this book offers a hopeful guide that will walk you through giving yourself permission to pay more attention with gentleness, and without judging yourself. Brotto offers easy to follow practices for all those interested in moving along the path to a healthy cultivation of their desire.

To hear Lori Brotto speak about desire, listen to the Permission for Pleasure Podcast episode 27.

Buy on Amazon

Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.

What is edging?

Edging is a technique or practice of bringing yourself or your partner close to, or to the edge of orgasm, and then backing off or decreasing stimulation.

The focus is on building up arousal, and delaying orgasm.

It is pleasurable stimulation right up to the peak before climax, and then dialing it back. Then, building arousal again to the brink of orgasm, stopping stimulation, waiting, and building up again. This can be done repeatedly or for as long as you or your partner are able to hold off climax. One benefit of exploring this practice is that is causes you to slow down the sexual experience.

It is an exploration time of building arousal

A way of getting curious and possibly discovering more ways or places in your body that bring you pleasure and heighten your arousal.

Edging is a technique that takes practice and time to master. If you are going to explore it with a partner, you will want to have good communication! Talk about expectations and timing and be sure you both consent to exploring arousal in this way. You might even have a word or phrase that indicates you want to move into your orgasm so that the experience doesn’t lead to frustration for either you or your partner.
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𝗪𝐡𝐲 𝐝𝐨 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐜𝗲 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬? ⁣

• Women may practice this solo to learn more about their own body. They can gain understanding of what their body responds to, how to increase arousal, and different stimulation they enjoy and that allows them to reach orgasm.

• Some women describe the orgasm as more intense and lasting longer when they do get to final release. ⁣

• Some men use this technique to get in tune with their bodies and learn to delay climax and ejaculation.

• One of the benefits is that it slows your experience down and extends it.⁣

• Practicing edging can help people become more fully attuned to their body and arousal.

• Couples want to introduce something new into their sexual experience together.⁣

Hear more on this topic:
Vibrators, Edging & Anal Sex
Pleasure Techniques with Penetration
Are There Different Kinds of Orgasms?
When your partner wants to try something new

Book Review: Reclaiming Pleasure, A sex positive guide for moving past sexual trauma & living a passionate life by Holly Richmond, PhD

“Your sexual trauma doesn’t inform your sexuality; it misinforms it.”

This book is a compassionate guide from somatic psychotherapist, certified sex therapist, and licensed marriage family therapist, Dr. Holly Richmond.

In its pages, she offers research-based ideas to assist the reader in unraveling the misinformation that trauma can bring and to move toward healing. As she says,

“Since sexual trauma happens in the body, it must be healed through the body.”

Practices for healing are offered here for both your body and your mind. Within each chapter are client stories and reflection questions to help you process along the way.

Dr. Richmond specifically addresses what she calls the survivor trifecta of pain, shame, and suffering. She then outlines a three step process of thriving derived from her research and many years of working with clients. With care and understanding, she walks readers through these themes that include control, pleasure, and connection. 

You can hear Holly talk more specifically about all of these things in our conversation on the podcast. I had the delight of having her on as a guest, and I found her to be as compassionate and thoughtful as her writing in this book.

I highly recommend this book as a guide for your individual healing journey toward living a passionate life.

Dr. Richmond offers: Reclaiming Pleasure: The Course .

Listen to Holly on the podcast

Buy on Amazon

Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.

Sex After Baby

First things first, Congratulations and I am so proud of you!

YOU CARRIED AND BIRTHED A WHOLE HUMAN!

Your body has been through months of changes and adjustments for pregnancy and then birth. When you add in massive hormonal shifts, the fog of sleep deprivation, possible physical birth trauma and complete care of another helpless human - you have a recipe for an emotional and physical roller coaster ride in the “fourth trimester.”

You are not alone in all the feelings and physical adjustments.

You and your body have worked hard and changed. You are also forming a connection with your baby. So much of postpartum is about taking care of another. While this is normal, it may also cause some disconnection from your body and/or your partner.

Communication is so important right now!

I cannot emphasis this enough. Keep an open dialogue with yourself about how you are feeling. Have ongoing conversations with your partner about how you both are feeling, coping, and relating to each other. Offer yourself and each other a whole lot of grace!

Now let’s talk about the boatload of misinformation and silence around sex after a baby. Quite often women tell one another stories about common issues or problems. Especially when it comes to intercourse being painful. Let me be clear:

Painful sex is not normal!

When we feel pain, we never want to tell ourselves to “just push through it.” Instead, we need to back up and evaluate what is going on. Studies show that 9 in 10 women report pain during sex postpartum, even up to 6 months after birth. Obviously, this is a very common issue, and we need to address it out loud.

It is crucial to remember that an issue being common, does not make it normal! 

So, what advice have you been given so that you will not experience pain? Likely, the only information you received centered around waiting six weeks before putting anything into your vagina. This is minimally helpful, if at all. Most physicians subscribe to this guideline to ensure the vagina is healing, or the cesarean incisions are healing, and you have given your body a tiny bit of time to rest and recover.

This is a minimum recommendation -- not a mandate!

Many women do not feel ready for sex at six weeks and even long past that time frame. Normal! Occasionally there is a woman who is ready before that time. Again, normal.

The best way to approach sex after childbirth is to listen to your body and what she is telling you about when she is ready.

Do not pressure yourself, nor allow your partner to pressure you into sex you are not ready for.

If you haven’t heard this before, let me share a sexual health fact: Sex and pleasure are about more than just intercourse. Given all that is going on within your mind and body at this time, this is more important than ever!

After a baby is an especially good time to engage in times of naked playing, and intimate touching that doesn’t lead to penetrative sex. Try connecting with your partner in this way, before moving in the direction of intercourse. 

With that in mind, here are some ideas:

Give each other a sensual massage, do my pleasurable touch practice, or lay side by side naked and cuddle, mutually masturbate, touch each other all over, or kiss each other from head to toe. These times of connection and pleasurable touch will allow you to engage your sensual self, awaken your body and reconnect with your partner. 

When you are ready to try penetrative sex, consider the following:

• Give yourself time to change roles before sex. Switching from new mama to sensual woman is not always easy. Whether this looks like time alone, a long shower, a bath or change of clothes – transition time helps!

• You have an infant in contact with your body constantly and you may feel “touched out.” This is normal. Call it out for what it is; this allows you and your partner to normalize it, talk about it, and avoid hurt feelings.

• Use lube, more lube, do not forget the lube. I highly recommend using lube the first time you have intercourse after baby - no matter what! If you are breastfeeding, even more so. Breastfeeding leads to low hormone levels which usually results in vaginal dryness and your body producing less of your own natural lubricant.

• Allow adequate time for arousal. Female arousal takes more than 5 minutes and adequate arousal is necessary to avoid pain.

• Have a birth control plan. In case you heard differently from a friend, here’s the truth: you can get pregnant while breastfeeding. Anxiety about getting pregnant again can lead to tension, and tension can cause pain.

• Your hormones may still be shifting. Pay attention to what changes you are experiencing physically and emotionally. If you feel extremely “off” or depressed or unable to care for yourself or your baby, please call your healthcare provider to evaluate your hormone levels and get the help you need.

• Your body has changed. She may tell you new or different things now. Listen.

• What worked before in the bedroom to bring you pleasure may not be the same now. Shifts and changes are not a bad thing, they are normal. If the first time you have intercourse isn’t exactly fireworks, this does not mean you are broken, something is wrong with you, or you won’t experience great sex again.

• If you experience some minor discomfort initially, this may be due to your body adjusting to having something in your vagina again. If you experience pain, this is not normal. Gently stop penetration and move to other sexual activities if you wish. Take some time to evaluate what is going on. Were you aroused enough? Were you lubricated enough? Do you need to adjust positions or depth of penetration? If these easier fixes are not the issue, make an appointment with your healthcare provider to check into what might be causing the pain. Please do not tell yourself things such as: “This is normal,” or “This is just the way it is now,” or “It will get better by itself.”

If your healthcare provider is unable to find the cause of pain:

Request a referral for a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist (PT) evaluation from your OB/GYN. Quite honestly, I feel every woman who carries and births a baby should have a few visits with a Pelvic Floor PT – so if anything seems amiss physically, (wetting yourself, painful sex, pelvic pain, back pain etc.) I strongly recommend getting a referral, in fact, insist on it!

If you are not experiencing pain but feel like you just aren’t experiencing pleasure

Consider all the things discussed above and how they might be affecting you physically and emotionally. You are in a very unique season of life. Get curious about what does feel pleasurable. It may be helpful to ask the question: does taking penetration out of the equation allow me to experience pleasure? If you feel comfortable, gently masturbating with or without your partner may give you insight into what your body responds to right now. Be sure and share what you learn about yourself with your partner.

These suggestions are not meant to be all-encompassing, but rather a part of the larger conversation. This is not medical advice. Please, always seek help from your healthcare provider if you have questions or concerns. If you would like to schedule a consultation call with me to help you navigate these issues, please message me through my contact page. You are not alone.

To learn more on these topics:

Lube, Lube, Lube
Pain and Sex
Your Body After Baby
Pelvic Health and Painful Sex
Sex, Postpartum & Breastfeeding
Sex and Pregnancy
Sexy in Survival Mode
Stretched-out Vaginas and Other Myths

Book Review: 'Sex Without Pain' by Heather Jeffcoat, DPT

Heather Jeffcoat, DPT is the founder of Fusion Wellness & Femina Physical Therapy, and the author of Sex Without Pain: A Self Treatment Guide to the Sex Life You Deserve. This book is primarily a “how to” resource. The author describes it as:

“a simple to follow, step-by-step guide designed to put you on the path to healing and pain-free intercourse.”

Designed specifically for people who are unable to access pelvic floor physical therapy, it provides a treatment guide through self-assessment, dilator techniques, and stretches for the pelvic floor. Heather is not only an expert in her field, but a caring and affirmative educator about all things sexual and pelvic health.

You can hear more from Heather about her book and pelvic health, specifically causes and treatment options for painful sex in Episode 8 of the Permission for Pleasure Podcast.

Receive 20% off a PDF download of Heather’s book at SexWithoutPainBook.com using code PLEASURE20

Listen: 'Survival Guide for Talking to Your Kids About Sex'

I recently had the pleasure of being a guest on the 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐒𝐮𝐩𝐞𝐫 𝐌𝐨𝐦 𝗪𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐚𝐛𝐞 Podcast, where I share lots of 𝐭𝐢𝐩𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐞𝐬 for parents with Kristen Wheeler.
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"Cindy gives us a survival guide for how to talk to our kids about this subject that can feel scary, overwhelming, and awkward...⁣
She helps us be prepared for the 𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 that will come,⁣
how to 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐨𝐥𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐝 not to shy away from them, and⁣
the HUGE favor we can do for our daughters by 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐱 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞."⁣
⁣
Find it at the links below:

Make Some Noise During Sex

For many years I worked as a Labor and Delivery nurse, helping to guide strong women through their birth experiences. I was surprised to find that in the midst of doing this incredible work of birthing their child, they were censoring themselves and trying to keep silent. This did not serve them well in the intense work and whole body experience of labor. I was always encouraging mothers to moan and groan or make whatever noise release felt good for them, as they worked with their bodies to bring their babies into the world.

It often took quite a bit of coaxing to get the women to vocalize. They didn’t feel it was acceptable or okay for them to make noise. This is because so many women have been conditioned to be silent or to be quiet in general. And not just with pain and discomfort, but also when their bodies are in movement, action or pleasure.

This idea parallels with sex.

Women often censor themselves in their experience with pleasure and passion by not giving themselves the freedom to make noise. It is natural and normal to be vocal with the sensations you experience during sex. Allowing your body to express itself audibly can be powerful and usher in more erotic energy.

Explore the idea of allowing yourself to connect your voice with the feelings in your body.

Give yourself the freedom to express what your body is experiencing. This may also help you be more present in your body.

The term for this is copulatory vocalizations.

Scientists have found that sexual noises may enhance pleasure. Pleasure is not something that you must keep silent about, it is not a secret you have to keep! Additionally, making noise may also serve as non-verbal communication and positive reinforcement with a partner. So…

Moan, Scream, Talk, Whisper, Sigh, Groan, Cry, Hum…

Get curious about giving yourself permission to make some noise.

SSRIs and Your Sex Life

A significant number of people are taking medications for depression or anxiety and they are not always aware of the possible side effects to their sexual health. Truthfully, even if the usual side effects are listed for you, the ones dealing with your sex life are often left off that list.

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are the most commonly prescribed type of antidepressant and the 3rd most often prescribed medication in the United States. They are also prescribed to treat anxiety disorders. While not every person on SSRIs experiences side effects, these types of medication are known to have a potential impact on your sexual health. Studies indicate that these side effects may occur after a few doses, show up years afterward and can possibly persist for decades after use.

Medication Examples include: Prozac, Celexa, Zoloft, Paxil, Lexapro, Luvox

Possible secondary sexual problems caused by these medications are:

• Less interest in sex

• Difficulty becoming aroused

• Sustaining arousal

• Issues reaching orgasm

• Delayed ejaculation

• Erectile problems

• Genital anesthesia

• Nipple insensitivity

• Decreased lubrication of the vagina

• Diminished capacity to experience sexual pleasure

• Pleasureless orgasms

Helpful considerations:

• Keep in mind that depression & anxiety itself may be the underlying cause of some sexual difficulties and this must be taken into account when troubleshooting if what you are experiencing is related to a medication or a mental health condition.

• The majority of side effects are overlapping except for the following that have been found specific to SSRIs: genital anesthesia, nipple or glans insensitivity, and pleasureless orgasms.

• Talk to your medical provider about the side effects you are experiencing. Discuss the possibility of adjusting dosage, or another medication that is known to be sexually sparing, or having less sexual side effects. (tips for talking with your healthcare provider)

• Talk openly with your partner about what you are experiencing. Have an honest conversation about the changes or issues and how the two of you might adapt or work with them together. Revisit this conversation often.

• Notice what time of day you have the least amount of side effects and schedule sex for that time. Try morning sex instead of late at night.

• Consider using a vibrator as a tool for a quicker arousal and warming up with potential to reach orgasm.

• Bring a lube into your sexual tool kit to decrease friction and increase pleasure.

• Try exercising before sex, to increase blood flow to your genitals.

• Work with a trained therapist to talk through issues, problems, and possible solutions.

*photo courtesy of Kristin Scharkey

Your Accelerator & Brake

YOUR DUAL CONTROL SYSTEM

Your brain and its two part sexual control system

There is a dual sexual control system at work in your brain. It includes an accelerator and a brake.

A lot of people think there might be something wrong with their accelerator or their on.

More often, the issues are with your brake or off’s.

Investigate what pushes your brake.

*Link to Book Review mentioned in video

Book Review: Celebrate Your Body, (and its changes too!)

There is a lot to like about this puberty book for girls that celebrates bodies and their changes too! Sonja Renee Taylor, founder of The Body Is Not An Apology, brings her commitment to radical self-love and body empowerment to this guide designed for girls ages 8+

As with any book on puberty, think of this guide as one option in your tool kit to open conversations with your daughter. I like Taylor’s tone of positive celebration over changing bodies as well as the book’s inclusivity of bodies that are all shapes, sizes and colors. It is simply illustrated, and uses very simple language. I appreciated the repeated emphasis on seeking out a trusted adult to talk, so important for girls to hear early and often!

Chapter themes include: bodies and their changes, anatomy basics, periods, breasts & bras, feelings & friends, and healthy lifestyle and nutrition. This book also offers print and online resources by chapter topic in the back of the book as well as a glossary and index.

My resource 6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child will give you some quick guidelines as you get started sharing books with your child. And if your child is starting sex ed at school soon, here are my Ten Tips for Parents to help you navigate healthy conversations in your home.

Buy on Amazon

Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.

Female Anatomy 101

Sex education for the majority of girls includes the internal female anatomy, but often leaves out the external. So, while you may know terms such as uterus, ovaries and vagina. You may be less familiar with the vulva, labia and mons pubis. Beyond belief is the fact that the clitoris is often left out of sex education altogether. To be clear:

the clitoris is the central anatomy for female pleasure. 

This blog is designed to give you a basic overview of female external anatomy.  It can also be used to help give parents language to use as they educate their children.

VULVA

The vulva is the external female genitalia. I like to say - if you put your hand over your body from your pubic bone to below your vaginal opening -THIS is your vulva. It is A LOT more than your vagina, thus the reason we need to differentiate. (demo video)

The vulva and the vagina are not the same thing.

The vulva includes: the labia, clitoris, opening to the urethra, opening to the vagina, and mons pubis. No two vulvas are exactly the same.

Normal vulvas do not look like what you see in pornography or magazines. Those images are often airbrushed and altered. There is a lot of beautiful diversity in normal vulvas.

THE TWO OPENINGS IN THE VULVA

The opening to the vagina. The vagina is a muscular tube that extends from the vulva to the opening of the uterus called the cervix. Menstrual fluid/period blood flows from the vaginal opening. (demo video)

The opening to the urethra. The urethra is the tube that transports urine (pee) from the bladder to the outside of your body. It is located above the opening to the vagina and below the glans clitoris. Urine/pee flows from the urethral opening. (demo video)

MONS PUBIS

The mons pubis is the soft tissue mound that covers the pubic bone. During puberty, pubic hair grows in this area. The mons pubis contains oil-secreting glands that release pheromones, which play a role in sexual attraction. The mons pubis can be many shapes and sizes and can change as you age. Your body and your mons pubis is unique to you.

PUBIC HAIR

Pubic hair is not unhygienic or dirty and in fact serves a purpose. It provides a natural cushion against friction. It provides a barrier to help protect you from viruses and bacteria. It protects your skin against irritation and plays a role in regulating temperature. It is always your own personal decision what you do with your pubic hair.

CLITORIS

The clitoris is an entire network. The glans or head is the only external and visible part of a whole connected internal structure. The glans is located near the top of your vulva, where your inner labia meet. It can be about the size of a pea or as big as a thumb. Each person’s clitoris can be a different size. The clitoris is made up of spongy erectile tissue that swells with sexual arousal. There is a clitoral hood located where your labia minora (inner lips) meet. This hood may cover all, some or none of your glans clitoris. The clitoris has thousands of sensitive nerve endings. (demo video)

The primary function of the the clitoris: sensation and pleasure.

For more on the clitoris please see the blog: The Clitoris - it’s a Network!

LABIA

The vulva has two sets of labia. The outer lips are called labia majora. The inner lips are called labia minora. Female labia come in all shapes, sizes and coloring. The labia minora often extend beyond the labia majora. This is normal. The inner lips may be all one color, or may be several colors with possible darkening toward the ends. One lip may be longer or shorter than the other. Again, all normal. 

PERINEUM

The perineum is located below the entrance to the vagina and above the anus. This small area has a network of blood vessels and tissue below the surface. For many, it is pleasure sensitive area after arousal and increased blood flow.

ANUS

The anus is located below the vaginal opening. It is the opening to your rectum. This is where feces (poop) exits your body. It has lots of sensitive nerve endings. The anus does not self lubricate. (demo video)

Book Review: Naked at Our Age, Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex

This book is a solid resource for my over 50 crowd. As the author points out, “wrinkles and decades of birthdays are no deterrent to hot sex.”

Joan Price, calls herself an "advocate for ageless sexuality” and she does a great job of talking out loud about senior sex! The approach is honest and no nonsense in addressing both the challenges and joys of pursing love and sex in the second half of life.

NAKED AT OUR AGE READS A LOT LIKE A QUESTION & ANSWER WORKSHOP.

Men and women from all walks of life candidly ask their questions and tell their stories about sex. Then, the author, along with a wide range of experts, gives their answers, tips and advice. It is very easy to read and has a good index to search for specific topics.

Covering both physical and emotional topics, it addresses relationship issues as well as common health concerns and includes a lot of tangible ideas for sexuality in your 50’s and beyond.

(Do you see all my stickies in the photo? There are some gems in this book!!)

There are 20 chapters, here are a few examples: Reviving Desire, Sex With Myself, Reclaiming Sexuality After Cancer, Erectile Dysfunction (2 chapters), and The Old Ways Don't Do It Anymore.

Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.

Do I Need To Douche?

Forget all the damaging myths that your vagina is in need of some kind of cleaning

There is so much false and constant messaging that women’s genitalia is in need of upkeep at all times. Beware! This incorrect information comes from sources that are also trying to sell you something.

The vagina is a self-cleaning organ

It uses natural secretions to carry dead cells and unwanted bacteria out of your body.

This means that douching and using other products like deodorants, sprays, washes, or powders is not a healthy practice. These kinds of products can disturb the natural pH balance found in the vagina.

Let your vagina clean herself. She is perfectly capable to do so!

Here’s my live answer to this frequently asked question at a recent workshop:

Medications and Your Sexual Health

Medications can affect your sexual health.

It is always smart to ask about side effects before starting any medication. It is also smart to ask specifically about side effects to your sexual health. Although I realize that many providers do not address sex, I want to encourage you to be the one to bring it up! If that sounds scary, I have provided tips on how to talk to a provider about sex to help you.

Your sexual health matters and I want to help you gain confidence to talk about it! If you think you may be experiencing side effects like these below or others, contact your health care provider to discuss it.

Examples of sexual function that can be affected:

• ability to reach orgasm

• natural lubrication

• diminishment of sensations

• erectile dysfunction or problems with ejaculation

• decrease in sexual desire.

Examples of medications that may have side effects for your sexual health:

• antidepressants (SSRIs and your sex life)

• hormones and hormonal birth control

• anti-hypertensives for high blood pressure

• some antihistamines

Talking About Sexual Health With Your Medical Provider

Sexual health is part of your overall health.
Many people find it uncomfortable to talk about sex and sexuality.
Talking about it with a medical provider can feel scary enough to keep you silent.

It can be intimidating, but your sexual health matters.

As a longtime nurse and patient advocate, one of the easiest tools I encourage clients to use is this:
write out a script or questions on a small card or in your phone and take with you to medical appointments. When a health care provider sees that you have specific questions or concerns written down, it helps them to pause, listen and address your concerns. It also helps you to remember what you want to ask or what you want to talk about.

Here are some talking points to get you started:

• I would like to discuss my sexual health or I would like to discuss sex.

• Something is not working correctly or ___ is happening.

• ____ is interfering with my sexual desire/arousal/orgasms/genitals/pleasure.

• What I think might be going on is ___.

• I can’t figure out what is going on.

• What can we do to figure this out? Are there tests we can do?

• If you cannot help me, who can you refer me to?

• Will you please give me that referral before I leave today?

4 Questions For Parents As They Talk About Sexual Health With Kids

When I am teaching parent workshops, I encourage parents to think through their own feelings about sex and sexuality. Your past experiences, and your own sexual health education you received growing up - do influence how you parent your own child and their sexual health.

It’s important for parents to do some personal investigation and reflection into this. And, if you are parenting with a partner, take some time to discuss together how you will approach sexual health with your own child. These ongoing conversations will help you feel more prepared as you navigate your role as your child's sexual health educator.

Here are 4 questions to get you started:

1. What influenced you as a child growing up in regard to sexual health?

2. What is your comfort level in talking out loud about bodies and sexual health topics?

3. What are your feelings and thoughts about nakedness in your home?

4. What education do you have or still need to teach your child their sexual anatomy?

Learn more about these topics:
Letter of encouragement to parents.
My child is starting sex ed at school. Help!
Tips for using sexual health themed books with your child.
Why Sex-Ed Really Matters
Mother/Daughter Interview: Healthy Conversations About Sex
Female anatomy 101

Natural Health Benefits Of Orgasm

Orgams are good for you!

Besides pleasure of course, here are 8 reasons to have regular orgasms:

1. Raises the heart rate and increases oxygen to the bloodstream.

2. Release of "feel-good" chemicals that can bring a sense of calm and well being to lower stress and anxiety levels.

3. Brings blood flow to the genitals through arousal. This is like nutrients for your tissues and pelvic floor.

4. Promote relaxation and can help with sleep.

5. Release of hormones that have pain-relieving properties.

6. Boosts the immune system

7. Promotes neuron growth in the area of the brain that is important for memory and learning.

8. Helps you feel connected with a partner through release of oxytocin.

Learn more

Answering your questions about orgasm
The key to female pleasure
Are there different kinds of orgasms?
Tips for speeding up arousal
Pleasure techniques with penetration
Let’s talk orgasms
How can I experience multiple orgasms?