The Clitoris Has a Hood
The clitoris has a hood that protects the glans. Every hood is unique and may enjoy different kinds of stimulation. Learn some techniques for more pleasure for a range of different bodies.
The clitoral hood is located at the top of the vulva where the labia minora (inner lips) meet. It is a fold of skin that protects the glans clitoris (the external part of the clitoris). The glans clitoris is packed with nerve endings and highly sensitive to touch and irritants, like friction. The hood is its protection.
Remember that the glans is only one part of the clitoris, the rest of its structure is internal, but still accessible for arousal and pleasure.
The amount of the glans covered by the clitoral hood varies from body to body. Each of our bodies is unique. The clitoral hood may cover all, some, or none of the glans clitoris.
When you become sexually aroused, your clitoris becomes engorged or swollen, this pulls back the clitoral hood allowing for more external access to the glans. Be sure to allow yourself enough time for adequate arousal. For some people, the clitoral hood is large, has extra tissue or is very thick. This may interfere with the kind of stimulation they may want/need to the glans clitoris. Below are some ideas to try for a range of different bodies.
Stimulation and pleasure
Sometimes it feels great to avoid touching the exposed glans and just stimulate the hood or layers of skin around it. For some people, the glans clitoris is sensitive to the point that it is uncomfortable when touched directly. Touching the hood may be a technique to explore for pleasure.
When you touch the clitoral hood and the skin around the glans - it gives the glans little nudges of stimulation indirectly.
Some people can orgasm from stimulation to the clitoral hood alone.
Techniques to try
Up and down strokes on the hood
Move the skin of the hood
Circling the hood
Tapping the hood
Gliding over the hood
Vibration sensations using a vibrator on or near the hood
If you have a very thick or larger clitoral hood
Techniques to try
Apply more direct pressure to the hood
Strong vibrations using a vibrator
Gently draw back the hood (if able) for more direct stimulation to the glans
Use adequate lubricant, and rub around the hood and glans to determine if you can “free up” the glans. If unable to, consult with your healthcare provider.
Some people suffer from clitoral adhesions that hinder the clitoral hood from fully retracting, if you feel this might be the case for you, see your healthcare provider to determine the cause and potential treatment options.
Learn more about these topics:
The clitoris - it’s a network!
Female anatomy 101
A guide to lube
Why female arousal takes more than 5 minutes
Why vibrators work for women
3 tips for boosting your arousal
Reclaim your arousal mindset
Talking about your sexual health with your medical provider
Tips For Speeding Up Your Arousal
Sometimes timing is everything. Try these 3 tips to give your arousal a boost!
Sometimes timing is everything! Try these 3 tips to speed up arousal.
Sex after exercise
Exercise gets your heart rate up and increases blood flow. This means blood flow to your genitals too. Think of it as priming the genitals for arousal. This can speed up the process. Additionally, bringing blood flow to the genitals will increase your potential for orgasm.
Sex in the morning
Have sex in the morning or afternoon rather than late at night or as the last thing before bed. You have more energy earlier in the day, and energy for sex comes out of the same fuel tank as everything else in your day. Additionally, hormone levels (especially testosterone) are highest in the morning.
Sex as the appetizer rather than dessert
Sex before meals - rather than after can be better for arousal. Big meals require your blood flow to go to your digestion. You want all available blood flow going to your genitals! Next time you’re planning a date night, think about sex as your appetizer, not dessert!
Learn more about these topics:
New Year Intentions For Better Sex
Intentions for better sex in the new year.
Get to know your body and anatomy
Gain more understanding of your sexuality
Give yourself permission to try something new
Get curious about eroticism and sensual play
Gain more education about sex through the podcast
Give yourself permission to talk about sex
Grow your sexual conversation with a partner by using these prompts
Gift yourself a vibrator or toy
Grab a good lubricant for sex
Get curious about temperature play
Give your arousal a nudge with these three tips
Get up for morning sex
Gift yourself a sexual wellness retreat with my book Permission for Pleasure: Tending Your Sexual Garden
Get out of your bedroom boredom with an Ayra intimacy subscription box (use my discount code CS15)
Glow up your arousal with Foria’s CBD Intimacy Oil
Listen: 'Sex Postpartum' on the Mamas in Training Podcast
Listen to my conversation about sex postpartum and being a mama & lover on the Mamas in Training Podcast.
I was delighted to join Jessica Lorion on the Mamas in Training Podcast for a two-part series on all things Sex, Pregnancy and Postpartum.
We discuss the realities of the fourth trimester, that go far beyond the infamous 6-week mark! I encourage moms not to jump into sexual activity they do not feel ready for physically or emotionally and to remember that sex should not be painful.
One topic we talk about:
What does it mean to be touched out?
Here’s a clip from the show notes: “Especially in postpartum, our bodies can feel like baby machines. They have just been put through a major trauma and now they are being used to feed, soothe and nurture a human. It is very challenging to expect our bodies and our minds to then flip a switch and become sexual beings. Cindy shares with us the importance of “changing hats.” It is important that we take off our mother hat and give ourselves time to not be touched, so then we can put on the hat of wife/partner who wants to be desired and is desirable.”
One of my favorite podcast interviews to date. Give it a listen via the links below.
Listen: 'How to Navigate Sex During Pregnancy' on the Mamas in Training Podcast
Listen in on one of my favorite conversations about navigating sex during pregnancy on the Mamas in Training podcast.
I was delighted to join Jessica Lorion on the Mamas in Training Podcast for a two-part series on all things Sex, Pregnancy and Postpartum.
This rich conversation goes far beyond whether sex during pregnancy is safe. I encourage listeners to rethink desire, intimacy, and sexual activity in new and different ways.
One frequently asked question I address in this episode:
What if I don’t desire sex or my partner doesn’t desire sex during pregnancy?
Here’s a clip from the show notes: “We often think about sex in a very narrow way and Cindy shows us how to shift our mindset and communicate with our partners. Oftentimes during pregnancy and postpartum, our bodies can feel like a machine, or it can begin to feel foreign to us, so how do we check back in and find that sexual desire again? Your relationship doesn’t have to suffer during this time and there are ways to navigate this tricky subject that Cindy gives us in this episode.”
This was one of my favorite podcast interviews to date. Give it a listen via the links below.
What is edging?
Edging is a sexual exploration practice of building arousal and delaying orgasm. By slowing down your experience, you may discover more about your body, your arousal and your pleasure.
Edging is a technique or practice of bringing yourself or your partner close to, or to the edge of orgasm, and then backing off or decreasing stimulation.
The focus is on building up arousal, and delaying orgasm.
It is pleasurable stimulation right up to the peak before climax, and then dialing it back. Then, building arousal again to the brink of orgasm, stopping stimulation, waiting, and building up again. This can be done repeatedly or for as long as you or your partner are able to hold off climax. One benefit of exploring this practice is that is causes you to slow down the sexual experience.
It is an exploration time of building arousal
A way of getting curious and possibly discovering more ways or places in your body that bring you pleasure and heighten your arousal.
Edging is a technique that takes practice and time to master. If you are going to explore it with a partner, you will want to have good communication! Talk about expectations and timing and be sure you both consent to exploring arousal in this way. You might even have a word or phrase that indicates you want to move into your orgasm so that the experience doesn’t lead to frustration for either you or your partner.
𝗪𝐡𝐲 𝐝𝐨 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐜𝗲 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬?
Women may practice this solo to learn more about their own body. They can gain understanding of what their body responds to, how to increase arousal, and different stimulation they enjoy and that allows them to reach orgasm.
Some women describe the orgasm as more intense and lasting longer when they do get to final release.
Some men use this technique to get in tune with their bodies and learn to delay climax and ejaculation.
One of the benefits is that it slows your experience down and extends it.
Practicing edging can help people become more fully attuned to their body and arousal.
Couples want to introduce something new into their sexual experience together.
Hear more on this topic:
Vibrators, Edging & Anal Sex
Pleasure Techniques with Penetration
Are There Different Kinds of Orgasms?
When your partner wants to try something new
Sex After Baby
Congratulations!! You carried and birthed a whole human. Now what? Sex after a baby may be quite the challenge. You are not alone. Let’s talk about how it really is with facts and tips to help you navigate your sex life postpartum.
First things first, Congratulations and I am so proud of you!
YOU CARRIED AND BIRTHED A WHOLE HUMAN!
Your body has been through months of changes and adjustments for pregnancy and then birth. When you add in massive hormonal shifts, the fog of sleep deprivation, possible physical birth trauma and complete care of another helpless human - you have a recipe for an emotional and physical roller coaster ride in the “fourth trimester.”
You are not alone in all the feelings and physical adjustments.
You and your body have worked hard and changed. You are also forming a connection with your baby. So much of postpartum is about taking care of another. While this is normal, it may also cause some disconnection from your body and/or your partner.
Communication is so important right now!
I cannot emphasis this enough. Keep an open dialogue with yourself about how you are feeling. Have ongoing conversations with your partner about how you both are feeling, coping, and relating to each other. Offer yourself and each other a whole lot of grace!
Now let’s talk about the boatload of misinformation and silence around sex after a baby. Quite often women tell one another stories about common issues or problems. Especially when it comes to intercourse being painful. Let me be clear:
Painful sex is not normal!
When we feel pain, we never want to tell ourselves to “just push through it.” Instead, we need to back up and evaluate what is going on. Studies show that 9 in 10 women report pain during sex postpartum, even up to 6 months after birth. Obviously, this is a very common issue, and we need to address it out loud.
It is crucial to remember that an issue being common, does not make it normal!
So, what advice have you been given so that you will not experience pain? Likely, the only information you received centered around waiting six weeks before putting anything into your vagina. This is minimally helpful, if at all. Most physicians subscribe to this guideline to ensure the vagina is healing, or the cesarean incisions are healing, and you have given your body a tiny bit of time to rest and recover.
This is a minimum recommendation -- not a mandate!
Many women do not feel ready for sex at six weeks and even long past that time frame. Normal! Occasionally there is a woman who is ready before that time. Again, normal.
The best way to approach sex after childbirth is to listen to your body and what she is telling you about when she is ready.
Do not pressure yourself, nor allow your partner to pressure you into sex you are not ready for.
If you haven’t heard this before, let me share a sexual health fact: Sex and pleasure are about more than just intercourse. Given all that is going on within your mind and body at this time, this is more important than ever!
After a baby is an especially good time to engage in times of naked playing, and intimate touching that doesn’t lead to penetrative sex. Try connecting with your partner in this way, before moving in the direction of intercourse.
With that in mind, here are some ideas:
Give each other a sensual massage, do my pleasurable touch practice, or lay side by side naked and cuddle, mutually masturbate, touch each other all over, or kiss each other from head to toe. These times of connection and pleasurable touch will allow you to engage your sensual self, awaken your body and reconnect with your partner.
When you are ready to try penetrative sex, consider the following:
Give yourself time to change roles before sex. Switching from new mama to sensual woman is not always easy. Whether this looks like time alone, a long shower, a bath or change of clothes – transition time helps!
You have an infant in contact with your body constantly and you may feel “touched out.” This is normal. Call it out for what it is; this allows you and your partner to normalize it, talk about it, and avoid hurt feelings.
Use lube, more lube, do not forget the lube. I highly recommend using lube the first time you have intercourse after baby - no matter what! If you are breastfeeding, even more so. Breastfeeding leads to low hormone levels which usually results in vaginal dryness and your body producing less of your own natural lubricant.
Allow adequate time for arousal. Female arousal takes more than 5 minutes and adequate arousal is necessary to avoid pain.
Have a birth control plan. In case you heard differently from a friend, here’s the truth: you can get pregnant while breastfeeding. Anxiety about getting pregnant again can lead to tension, and tension can cause pain.
Your hormones may still be shifting. Pay attention to what changes you are experiencing physically and emotionally. If you feel extremely “off” or depressed or unable to care for yourself or your baby, please call your healthcare provider to evaluate your hormone levels and get the help you need.
Your body has changed. She may tell you new or different things now. Listen.
What worked before in the bedroom to bring you pleasure may not be the same now. Shifts and changes are not a bad thing, they are normal. If the first time you have intercourse isn’t exactly fireworks, this does not mean you are broken, something is wrong with you, or you won’t experience great sex again.
If you experience some minor discomfort initially, this may be due to your body adjusting to having something in your vagina again. If you experience pain, this is not normal. Gently stop penetration and move to other sexual activities if you wish. Take some time to evaluate what is going on. Were you aroused enough? Were you lubricated enough? Do you need to adjust positions or depth of penetration? If these easier fixes are not the issue, make an appointment with your healthcare provider to check into what might be causing the pain. Please do not tell yourself things such as: “This is normal,” or “This is just the way it is now,” or “It will get better by itself.”
If your healthcare provider is unable to find the cause of pain:
Request a referral for a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist (PT) evaluation from your OB/GYN. Quite honestly, I feel every woman who carries and births a baby should have a few visits with a Pelvic Floor PT – so if anything seems amiss physically, (wetting yourself, painful sex, pelvic pain, back pain etc.) I strongly recommend getting a referral, in fact, insist on it!
If you are not experiencing pain but feel like you just aren’t experiencing pleasure
Consider all the things discussed above and how they might be affecting you physically and emotionally. You are in a very unique season of life. Get curious about what does feel pleasurable. It may be helpful to ask the question: does taking penetration out of the equation allow me to experience pleasure? If you feel comfortable, gently masturbating with or without your partner may give you insight into what your body responds to right now. Be sure and share what you learn about yourself with your partner.
These suggestions are not meant to be all-encompassing, but rather a part of the larger conversation. This is not medical advice. Please, always seek help from your healthcare provider if you have questions or concerns. If you would like to schedule a consultation call with me to help you navigate these issues, please message me through my contact page. You are not alone.
To learn more on these topics:
Lube, Lube, Lube
Pain and Sex
Your Body After Baby
Pelvic Health and Painful Sex
Sex, Postpartum & Breastfeeding
Sex and Pregnancy
Sexy in Survival Mode
Stretched-out Vaginas and Other Myths
Why Vibrators Work For Women and How To Choose One
Are you thinking of buying a sex toy? Here’s some tips on why vibrators work for women and how to choose one that’s right for you.
There can be a lot of stigma around vibrators and sex toys, but the reality is they don’t have to be scary or overwhelming. And they certainly aren’t bad or taboo. Think of using a vibrator as a sexy experiment, a helpful tool, or an enhancement for pleasure - for yourself, for your partner or for sharing as a couple.
Why vibrators work for women:
The majority of women require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. A vibrator is one way to get that kind of intense stimulation. Lots of women use vibrators for solo play and exploration. Many women say they like using a vibrator with a partner, because it speeds up their arousal. Heterosexual couples might use a vibrator to combine intercourse with direct clitoral stimulation. Seniors often comment that a vibrator is the best way to get the stimulation they need to orgasm. These are just examples, there is no one right way to use a vibrator. The fun is in experimenting, and figuring out how one works best for you, or for you and your partner.
Four questions to consider before you choose one
How do you want to use it?
Do you want it specifically for clitoral stimulation, for vaginal penetration, or for both at the same time? Is this for solo play, partnered sex or for both?
How much power and how many options do you want it to have?
How much power and how many vibrational options do you want it to have? Consider the number of speed levels and variations in pressure. Do you want a suction or air puffs option? How many types of vibration patterns do want to be able to access. Basically, do you want to keep it simple or are you looking for a lot of bells and whistles?
Do you care about aesthetics?
i.e. how it looks, what it is made out of, and the texture or feel of the material. For example, do you want it to be phallic shaped (like a penis) or smaller in size - perhaps to fit right into your hand or even on your fingers.
How about noise level?
Do you need it to be whisper quiet or “turbo charged” is fine?
If you are a first time toy buyer:
It’s probably best to choose something simple that doesn’t feel overwhelming to look at. I recommend that you first use the vibrator on your inner thigh or arm and play with the speeds and vibrations. Do not immediately put it on your vulva and specifically your clitoris or clitoral hood until you have a good idea how it operates and feels. Every woman and each body is different. If one toy doesn’t seem right for you, that doesn’t mean no toy is right for you. It may take trying out a few - this is normal. Remember, as you go through seasons of life in your body, there will be shifts and changes. Stay curious about that, and adjust accordingly.
If you are buying a toy to use with a partner:
I highly recommend picking it out together. This allows for discussion about how you’ll use it and what appeals to both of you - always a good idea!
Oftentimes, one partner may be ready to introduce a toy and the other is hesitant or frankly has never even thought about it. Communication is essential. Remember a toy doesn’t talk, caress, kiss or cuddle. For couples, it’s an addition, not a replacement. Consent from both partners before adding something new into your intimacy is a must. Sometimes partners may feel they should be “enough” and if a vibrator is needed or desired then “something is wrong with you,” or “something is wrong with me.” This might stem from many things, perhaps a lack of sex education - especially about female bodies, false cultural narratives, toys being seen as taboo or negative past experiences. If talking about sex with your partner is difficult, as a segue you might read this blog together and start a conversation about why it might be helpful or fun or sexy to add a toy to the bedroom.
Pointing you in a direction to get started.
Picking vibrator for the first time can feel a bit daunting. New things, especially related to sex, often make people feel uncomfortable. You are not alone if you feel afraid to go into a store and buy a vibrator, or feel a bit nervous about starting with one. But guess what? You can buy one online and test it out without ever having to interact with a human being. Many companies often send them in discreet packaging, too, so you don’t feel uncomfortable pulling it out of your mailbox. Female-owned companies that I recommend are below. They sell unique vibrators, toys and have a reputation for offering high quality products.
MAUDE (use discount code CINDY10)
INTIMATE WELLBEING (use discount code CINDY15)
DAME
More on this topic
The clitoris it’s a network!
Vibrators, Edging & Anal Sex
Couples, Communication & Sex
Anatomy 101
*AFFILIATE LINKS AND RECOMMENDATIONS: I may earn a small commission when readers purchase products through my affiliate links. This doesn't affect which products are included. I choose products carefully, and anything I recommend on my website is recommended for its quality, performance, and overall reputation, regardless of any affiliate relationship.
Your Accelerator & Brake
There is a dual sexual control system at work in your brain. It includes both an accelerator and a brake. Think of like it like turn OFF’s and turn ON’s.
YOUR DUAL CONTROL SYSTEM
Your brain and its two part sexual control system
There is a dual sexual control system at work in your brain. It includes an accelerator and a brake.
A lot of people think there might be something wrong with their accelerator or their on.
More often, the issues are with your brake or off’s.
Investigate what pushes your brake.
Pain and Sex
Painful sex is never normal. Take a step toward finding out what is going on with your body. You do NOT have to give up on sex!
Painful sex is never normal.
Due to the lack of education about sex, and years of hearing half-truths, many women think pain with sex is typical or normal. They believe that pain might just be part of what every woman experiences with sex.
False.
If you are experiencing painful penetration, the three reasons I address here are potential causes that have solutions that you can take control over right now.
However, if these more common causes don’t seem to be the issue, then I encourage you to seek help from your medical provider. Preferably, start with an OB/GYN doctor or a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist. A qualified healthcare provider can assess more involved issues causing dyspareunia. Dyspareunia is the medical term for genital pain that occurs just before, during or after intercourse. Though certainly not an exhaustive list, a few examples of conditions that might cause pain would be: hormonal changes that decrease lubrication and elasticity of the vagina; ovarian cysts; fibroids; endometriosis; skin irritation or inflammation; infection; or vaginismus.
There are solutions, and I strongly encourage you to seek the help.
Tips on talking about sexual health with your healthcare provider HERE.
Three Common Causes
1. Not enough “arousal” time before penetration
Women’s bodies require sufficient time for arousal in order to get to a place of desiring anything entering their vagina. Allowing time for increased arousal will give your vagina and vulva the time they need to lubricate. This also increases blood flow which allows your vagina to soften and lengthen. All of these arousal responses help ensure that you don’t feel pain during sex.
Take your time!
2. Not enough lubrication before penetration
Lubrication is absolutely necessary for penetrative sex not to result in pain. Some women’s bodies produce a lot of natural lubricant, and some don’t. Both are normal! It is important to understand how your own body functions and if you naturally lubricate enough for pleasure or if you need added lubrication. Many women need or desire more lube than they produce -- sometimes all the time, and sometimes at varying seasons in their lives. Some possible causes of decreased lubrication might be: hormonal changes, medications, menopause, postpartum or breastfeeding, and aging.
There are many lube options available, read about them HERE.
3. Positioning
If certain sex positions are painful for you then by all means, STOP using that position or figure out ways to modify that position so it doesn’t hurt. Often a certain position may be uncomfortable because penetration is too hard or too deep. An easy adjustment for this is to try positions where you are in charge of how deep and how hard. Women sometimes find that positions where they are on top allows them this kind of control. There are also options to customize penetration depth with devices such as Ohnut rings.
Gently try different positions and evaluate what works or doesn’t work for you.
What usually happens if someone has pain with sex?
They stop desiring it and ultimately stop having it altogether. Communication with your partner is crucial in working through pain with sex. Be honest with them. Talk about what is going on with your body and what you want to do about it. Take a step toward breaking the silence.
You do NOT have to give up on sex!
Learn more on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast
Pelvic Health and Painful Sex
* links are not sponsored content, but if you want to try Ohnut mentioned above, they offer my community 15% with code CINDY
Let's Talk Quickies
Let’s talk “Quickies!” Intimacy with your partner can look a million different ways and a quick sexual connection is certainly one of them.
Let’s talk “Quickies!”
Intimacy with your partner can look a million different ways and a quick sexual connection is certainly one of them.
A quickie is the term given to sex that is just that – quick.
There are a lot of seasons in life when you only have 5 minutes to get it on and 5 minutes is better than nothing. A brief sexual encounter can infuse your relationship with a spurt of sexual energy. This energy helps keep the two of you connected to each other until you have time and space for a longer intimacy date.
Let’s be real. Quickies don’t have to be the best sex you ever had together.
In fact, they probably won’t be. It’s best if expectations are reasonable and the focus is on bringing your bodies together. This means keeping the focus on pleasurable connection, a little fun and a lot of affectionate playfulness!
Limited time equals minimal foreplay or warming up activities. This likely means that not everyone may orgasm. (especially women). Agree ahead of time that this is okay for both partners.
Orgasm isn’t necessarily the goal here.
Absolutely awesome if it happens, but absolutely okay if it doesn’t.
As is often said, timing is everything. There are times when your arousal may be speedier, such as after exercising or earlier in the day. Engaging in a quickie at these times may help increase pleasure and fun.
Sometimes, you and your partner may have different ideas about what a quickie looks like or feels like. This is normal. If you have never talked about it, take some time to communicate with each other about what feels pleasurable and what doesn’t. You might want to use this post to jump start the conversation. Together, come up with two or three scenarios that feel comfortable, feasible and fun! Ideally, this is an open-ended conversation that you will circle back to often and at different seasons in your relationship.
Think outside your typical sex framework.
Especially if intercourse is your usual sexual go-to, consider new ways to pleasure each other. Perhaps try something new? Like meeting up in the shower, keeping most of your clothes on, or just using your hands. Use your imagination!
Rather listen to this topic?
Permission for Pleasure Podcast: Episode 23
Listen: 'Let's expand foreplay & Increase arousal' on the Smart Sex podcast
Listen in on my conversation about foreplay and arousal with certified sex therapist Leslie Gustafson on the Smart Sex podcast.
I was delighted to be invited back for another conversation with Leslie Gustafson on the Smart Sex Podcast! (Listen to our first conversation here).
This episode, #13, is a deep dive into what foreplay really is - in and out of the bedroom.
We discuss expanding your idea of foreplay, by dispelling the myth that foreplay is simply “pre-gaming.'‘
This conversation includes tips for using your senses, the differences between male and female arousal and ideas to help couples enhance their intimate relationship and sex life.
Listen via the links below.
Let’s keep opening these kinds of healthy conversations about sex!
Why Does Female Arousal Take More Than 5 Minutes?
Arousal is the physiological changes in your body that occur when you are sexually excited.
Arousal is the physiological changes in your body that occur when you are sexually excited.
For women, this process often takes more than 5 minutes (like you see in the movies). Why?
The clitoral network has a whole lot of erectile tissue. (anatomy demo)
All this tissue needs time for the blood flow to increase to it.
The blood flow increases as arousal increases.
Your brain engages and often this is when desire is determined. (Do I want sex?)
As the blood flow increases to the tissues they dilate and become swollen.
The vaginal canal might expand.
Lubrication happens.
Adequate arousal can increase pleasure.
The average time needed for adequate female arousal leading to orgasm is 14-20+ minutes
Want to learn more on this topic?
3 Tips to Speed Up Your Arousal
Reclaiming Your Arousal Mindset
Community Questions about Arousal
Misconceptions Men Believe About Sex
Create a Sexy Playlist
Music is proven to have a very powerful effect on our behavior.
Music is proven to have a very powerful effect on our behavior. It is also known to increase our focus. Did you know you can use your sense of hearing to increase arousal and desire?
Your brain uses your senses to notice and pay attention to things that turn you on. By connecting with music intentionally and sensually, you can activate the sexual excitement center in your brain.
In this way:
Music can be a potent aphrodisiac.
Music also has a way of cementing a memory and it can be a sexy positive one. Think about it, have you ever associated a memory or feeling with a particular song? For example, “that song” was the first song we danced to, or “that song” was playing when I first kissed someone, or “that song” reminds me of my favorite road trip. Being intentional with music can be a fun and creative way to make sensual connections. For you alone, or for you and a partner.
creating a Sexy Playlist.
Here are a few ideas to get you started with your playlist to trigger your sensuality and arousal:
As you hear songs that tickle your fancy note them down. Choose songs with rhythms that feel erotic to you or with words that resonate for you.
Start with one song and intentionally play it and dance to it - alone, being mindful of connecting your body and mind with the song and the imagery it brings.
Think back to songs in the past that evoke positive sensual memories for you.
Tell yourself truths as you hear these songs like, “I am a sexual human,” “It is normal for me to have sexual thoughts and feelings,” “This feels good to me,” “My body is beautiful.”
Combine fantasies with songs on your playlist.
Further steps for a shared playlist with your partner
Share the song or songs with them; communicate how it makes you FEEL.
When you hear the songs let your mind engage with sexual thoughts of your partner.
Text your lover when you hear the song and use a “code” word or emoji you have decided on together. Or send them a snippet of the song to let them know you are thinking about them.
When the song comes on and others (or kids) are present, turn to each other and wink or link fingers or lean in for a quick kiss.
Begin making a list together of songs that you BOTH enjoy and feel sensual to you as a couple. Have fun adding songs one by one.
Play your sexy playlist when you have scheduled a time to be sexual together.
Play the list when you want to awaken your arousal in anticipation of a scheduled sex date.
Play the list to signal to your partner, without words that you would LIKE sexual time together.
Listen to more ideas in Episode 22 of the Permission for Pleasure Podcast: Date Ideas
Desire Styles
The truth about desire is that there is more than one style or pattern.
Feeling desire spontaneously or in advance is not required to express your sexuality in a way you enjoy or to have “good sex.” The truth about desire is that there is more than one style or pattern. It is normal for partners to have mismatched desire styles. It doesn’t mean something is “broken” in one partner.
An important note about desire - it is not a drive (like hunger.) I realize this is all you have heard in popular cultural terminology, however the science proves that wrong. A more accurate way to think of desire is as an “incentive motivation system.” Desire is being pulled toward an outside stimulus that is attractive to us. Desire actually works more like curiosity.
Spontaneous Desire:
Some people experience desire first then arousal. This is called spontaneous desire. About 15 percent of women have spontaneous desire. About 75 percent of men have spontaneous desire. How this looks: one partner encounters sexually relevant stimuli and that sparks desire leading to arousal. This person wants sex “out of the blue.”
Responsive Desire:
Some people experience arousal first then desire. This is called responsive desire. About 30 percent of women have responsive desire. About 5 percent of men have responsive desire. How this looks: one partner is thinking, “I’m not in the mood,” or doesn’t particularly feel desire for sex/intimacy but once they get touching or kissing or cuddling and tune into the connection, they can enjoy it. Basically this person wants sex when something erotic is already happening; they need a compelling reason other than just an attractive person in front of them.
Combination Desire:
Some people experience arousal with a combination of both styles. The big decisive factor involved is - context. About half of all women experience desire this way. How this looks: If you are content and not stressed and your partner touches you and becomes affectionate and you respond in that relaxed context with responsive desire - OR - you have been texting sexy messages back and forth with your partner all day and you see each other after work, kiss hello, and you immediately jump into their arms. In this context, sexual desire feels spontaneous.
Tips and Strategies
* For those with responsive desire, if you put off sex until you “feel desire” you will be having a lot less sex.
* The more sex you have, often the more responsive you will be and the more you will enjoy it.
* Desire styles can change and shift in our lifetime and according to context so understanding responsive desire is crucial for keeping sexually connected if/when spontaneity no longer works (if it ever did!)
* Desire is influenced by many factors, including hormones, exhaustion, stress, medical conditions, past trauma and relationship conflict - to name a few.
* Stay curious, change things up, introduce novelty or an element of mystery, and alternate intensity to increase sexual desire.
* Tune into yourself and ask questions such as: What makes me feel sensuous? What stimulates and arouses me? What makes me feel sexual? What draws me toward touching?
* Talk about desire styles with your partner, read this blog out loud together, discuss how this looks for your sexual relationship and to better understand one another.
* If you and your partner have mismatched desire styles, talk together about “negotiating” sexual frequency. This may sound strange, but if you are in a trusting relationship, many couples find this works well. Be honest, compromise and come to an understanding and agreement about frequency that you both can be comfortable with.
Using Your Senses For Pleasure
Looking for some foreplay ideas? Use all your senses to increase your pleasure, fun, and arousal!
Our brain has a sexual excitement system that uses our senses to scan around for sexually relevant stimuli. This system is always working under our conscious level. I want to encourage the idea of consciously activating this system, by using your senses and imagination with intentionality. When we use our mind and engage our senses, we send signals to our brain to “tune in” and those signals can then help press the “on” button to stimulate arousal.
Here are some very simple ideas to spark your thinking and get you started. Get curious and try one thing that brings a new element into your lovemaking. Again the idea is to activate your senses with intention. Keep in mind my friends that sex doesn’t have to be serious and precious all the time. It can be playful, fun and make you laugh together as well. Keep the focus on pleasure!
SEE
Turn the lights on or use a dimmer switch for soft light
Use candlelight
Watch yourself or your partner in a mirror
Use a blindfold
Keep your clothes on
Keep one piece of clothing/shoes on
Dance for your partner, have your partner dance for you
SMELL
Candle & Aromatherapy: here are a few researched options to consider: Sandalwood, Jasmine, Peppermint, Lavender, Ylang ylang, Pumpkin (for men), Almond (for women), Vanilla, Licorice, Cinnamon, Basil, Citrus
Scented lube or scented body massage oil or scented massage candle (Maude’s are lovely)
Scented bathing products
TASTE
Feed each other
Create and enjoy a fruit feast on your body or your partner’s body,
Share a mint back and forth as you kiss, or chocolate or another treat
Edible lube
Edible massage oil
HEAR
Create a sexy playlist: choose songs with rhythms that feel erotic to you or with words that resonate for you and your partner, make the list together if possible
Play ocean waves or raindrops on a sound machine (or whatever sound feels romantic)
Choose a “sex song” or two or three - when you hear the song let your mind engage with sexual thoughts of your partner. Send the song to your lover when you are thinking of them.
Tell your partner out loud what you like, communicate your pleasure, make some noise
TOUCH
All over the body not just the genitals
Try this pleasure touch exercise
Massage each other
Feathers for light touching
Scarves for drawing along your body or touching through the silky fabric
Dabble with temperature play using hot and cold sensations
IMAGINE
Acknowledge your fantasies in your own mind
Share fantasies with one another
Act out fantasies or dip a toe into role play
Bring to mind memories of passionate sexual encounters you have had. These can be erotic keepsakes that you can open and replay in your mind
Remind your partner of pleasurable and hot sex you have had together. Share the details as sexy foreplay
*Some of the links are “affiliate links,” a link with a special tracking code. This means if you click on an affiliate link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission.
Can Women Be Multiorgasmic? How Can I Experience Multiple Orgasms?
Are multiple orgasms possible? Yes they are and here are some tips for exploring and enjoying more pleasure.
Question: “I’ve read a lot about women having multiple orgasms at a time. Is that a real thing? How can I achieve multiple orgasms at one time?”
Yes! women can be multi-orgasmic
Multi-orgasmic means capable of having more than one orgasm in a single sexual session. While women have the capacity to be multi-orgasmic, not every woman experiences them nor desires them. The available research suggests approximately 15% of women report experiencing multiple orgasms and there is also a broad range of how women describe their experiences. Multi-orgasmic women would attest that allowing yourself to experience multiple orgasms requires not only a good understanding of your own body and how you function sexually, but a good amount of practice as well.
Whether you experience one orgasm at a time or more in one setting — you are normal!
Orgasm is something you allow to happen.
Often women need an adjustment in their mindset from achieve to allow. This may help with recognizing and experiencing pleasure and that alone is a win. If the orgasms keep coming, well …. even more reason to celebrate. (More on orgasm here.)
Women have a large area of erectile tissue included in the whole clitoral network. All of that network is available to be activated with stimulation if there is adequate arousal. After experiencing an orgasm, the resolution phase (lowering of arousal) is a slower process for women. So, if arousal is maintained post initial climax, women can have the ability to build up to orgasm again and again in the same sexual session. Certainly, people may take a rest or pause, however they don’t allow enough time to significantly lower their level of arousal.
Keep in mind that it helps to be open to various forms of stimulation and ways to orgasm if you are wanting to experiment with understanding your body and how it can build up to orgasm more than once. Female bodies are able to experience many different kinds or types of orgasms depending on where and how the clitoral network or other erogenous zones are being stimulated.
(To learn more listen ‘The Key to Female Pleasure’)
Each orgasm may feel differently — this is normal.
Multi-orgasmic women describe making use of varied pleasure zones as well as forms of stimulation. So, while some people may be more prone than others to experience multiple orgasms, another factor that might come into play is one’s openness to what sex can look like. For example: oral stimulation; manual (self or partnered) stimulation; sensual touch and nipple play; penetration; pleasure techniques with penetration; stimulation to your G-spot, vibrators and changing of positions - all these variations are options for stimulating all the parts of the clitoris and other pleasure sensitive areas. Again, realistically it may take time for you to learn to recognize your response to various stimulation and what you enjoy and find pleasure in. Yes, that’s my encouragement for practice!
Be attentive to your most important sex organ!
Your brain is your most important sex organ. Mentally focus on pleasure and sensation rather than a goal of becoming multi-orgasmic. This is a healthy mindset that can help you in the allowing of climax. Intentionally engage your sensuality - what sparks or arouses sexual feelings or desire. Tune into your senses, this activates your sexual excitement system which you want to keep fired up to maintain arousal.
If having multiple orgasms is something you are curious about, and you are having partnered sex, talk about your desire together. You may also want to investigate these four techniques that women use to increase their pleasure with penetration. Communication is essential as you mutually explore.
* A note about males and multi-orgasm. While they may have the capacity to be multi-orgasmic, many don’t investigate this. For most men, climax usually involves ejaculation, (multi-orgasmic men often learn to experience orgasm without ejaculation). After ejaculation, the lowering of arousal phase (called refractory phase) is fast for men — much quicker than for women. Many men are unable to immediately become physically aroused again. From the research, we find that while males have the capacity to experience more than one orgasm in a sexual session, few have the desire to gain the needed self-control training required to experience it.
Curious? Listen to this episode: Can Men Be Mulit-orgasmic?
The Clitoris - It's a Network!
Fun fact: The word clitoris is thought to come from the Greek word, kleis, a key. It’s the key to unlocking the door to pleasure.
*Fun fact: The word clitoris is thought to come from the Greek word, kleis, a key.
It’s the key to unlocking pleasure
When asked to identify this 3-D picture model of the clitoris network, (pictured above), most people give answers like “I have no idea” or “a tulip emoji,” or even “a wishbone.”
This model provides some much needed insight into the shape and 10-centimeter size of the pleasure center for women.
Yes! It’s an entire NETWORK
Here are some facts about the clitoris to help you understand the entire network. As you read along, keep looking back to the 3-D model for reference; this will help you get a better understanding of where all the parts are as well as where they connect.
The clitoris is actually composed of many parts, ALL of which can play a role in pleasure.
The clitoris is a network of erectile tissue. It has as much internal erectile tissue as a penis does externally. Because it isn’t visible from the outside, many don’t know it is there! All of this erectile tissue can respond when aroused.
Due to the design of the whole clitoris it takes time to warm up and become aroused. Studies are clear that most women require 12-20 minutes or more of arousal (warming up activities) to reach orgasm.
The clitoris has thousands and thousands of nerve endings.
The primary Function of the clitoris is PLEASURE
The visible part of the clitoris on the vulva is called the glans or head. Sometimes it is referred to as the “love button,” because for many women it’s the most sensitive part of the clitoris. The glans is protected by the hood. The glans is attached to the clitoral shaft that runs just beneath the surface of the skin.
The shaft is composed of erectile tissue and is extremely receptive to sensation. It forks and divides like a “wishbone” with branches. These legs of the clitoris extend deep within the tissue of the vulva, and split to straddle the urethra and the vagina. To be clear: The clitoris extends INTERNALLY all the way to the base of the vaginal opening, meaning you have sensation points from the tip-top to the very bottom (pun intended).
The internal part of the clitoris is connected to the glans and shaft by two “spongy-like” bulbs of erectile tissue. These bulbs engorge with blood and increase in size when sexually aroused. The more aroused, the more increase of pleasure points internally with penetration or external pressure.
important keys to unlock ALL the pleasure
Every women is different. Every woman may desire different stimulation, and every woman is normal!
In other words, some women really love direct stimulation to the glans or head, while some women find that painful or too sensitive. Some women enjoy stimulation to the hood but not to the glans directly. And some enjoy penetration or massage/pressure to access all the internal nerve endings within the network.
This is all normal (Do you hear my theme here?)
There isn’t a right or wrong way -- or better or best. It is all about what each individual woman enjoys and what brings them pleasure.
I do think many women -- and most men -- simply do not understand how vast the network is. So often all the focus is on the glans or “love button.” If the glans brings you ALL the pleasure you desire, wonderful! However, what many women find as they explore stimulating other sensitive parts of the network is that there may be multiple ways to feel pleasure and different ways to orgasm.
I frequently get asked questions about the G-spot, so let’s use that as one example.
The G-spot is part of the clitoral network
It is not some spot on its own, it is a connected part of the network. This area is a clitoris cluster that attaches to the vaginal ceiling, Made up of spongy erectile tissue, it doesn’t have nearly the number of nerve endings as the clitoral head. Most often this area responds to massaging pressure that is persistent, (think: come hither motion) after a period of arousal has taken place. For some, this is a real focal point of pleasure; for others, not so much.
Again, different experiences and all normal
My encouragement to you is to get to know yourself and your body more and more. Help yourself and your partner figure out what brings you pleasure. Have fun in the process. Don’t be afraid to explore and experiment and laugh and moan along the way. This knowledge about the clitoris network may open up a whole new arousal world for you. Then again, it may not. Either way, you are normal.
Make pleasure the goal
Reels with demo’s on IG
Parts of the clitoris
Network under the surface
To learn more about these topics
Female arousal
Female anatomy
G-spot
The clitoris has a hood
Pleasure techniques with penetration
Cliteracy
Make some noise
Book Review: Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D
Come As You Are is one of the best books I have read on women and sex.
Come As You Are is one the best books written on women and sex.
Dr. Emily Nagoski had me hooked in the introduction. “For a long time in Western science and medicine, women’s sexuality was viewed as Men’s Sexuality Lite -- basically the same but not quite as good,” she writes. “For instance, it was just sort of assumed that since men have orgasms during penis-in-vagina sex (intercourse), women should have orgasms with intercourse too, and if they don’t, it’s because they’re broken. In reality, about 30 percent of women orgasm reliably with intercourse. The other 70 percent sometimes, rarely, or never orgasm with intercourse, and they’re all healthy and normal.”
I mean COME ON!
I am all-in for this read! I know from over 33 years of working with women, that many do not know this fundamental statistic and understanding this can be a pleasure gamechanger!
Dr. Nagoski, Ph.D, draws on her vast experience as both an educator and researcher to break down the newest science on women and sex. She spells things out in a way you can both understand and put to use immediately. I really appreciate her writing style, which is informative but also delightfully sassy and caring -- the combination makes her easy to read.
“You Are Normal”
This is Nagoski’s mantra. And it is the one message so many women need to hear. Also reinforced is the vital role your brain plays as your biggest sex organ, and why. Included within each section are interactive activities, exercises, worksheets, and example stories of both gay and straight women.
Through the research presented, a few things you will learn include: the “partnerships of accelerator and brakes” within sexual response (with ideas about “Turning On the Ons, Turning Off the Off’s”); facts about responsive desire and sexual arousal; and how context (your environment and mental state) influence response. Any one of these concepts might be life-changing for a woman’s understanding of sex and their own body.
Dr. Nagoski’s goal is one I heartily share: “Improve your relationship with your own sexuality.”
Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.
