Exploring Your Perspective Of Pleasure
How do you feel about pleasure? Use these questions to find out.
How do you feel about pleasure?
Exploring Your Perspective of Pleasure
Did you grow up with education around how your body experiences pleasure? The combination of cultural messaging, lack of education and silence all factor into shaping our perception of sexual desire, as well as our ability to allow ourselves physical pleasure.
There is no shame in desiring, enjoying and experiencing pleasure with sex.
More than likely, you don’t often see a woman depicted in a movie who enjoys and pursues sex for the pleasure of it. Even more unusual is a woman portrayed who desires sex because she wants to be pleased, instead of being desperate to please.
The exercise of understanding the messaging you have taken in around pleasure is important for your overall sexual health and ability to pursue pleasure. Investigate what your internal voice says and what you have come to believe about pleasure. Take some time with the statements below and ask yourself questions such as:
“Do I believe this?” or “Do I tell myself this?”
Sex is a performance for someone else.
My partner’s pleasure and satisfaction are what matters most.
Sex is not for my pleasure
My sexual pleasure is wrong, not allowed or doesn’t matter.
I am a vehicle for pleasure; I can’t receive it.
My pleasure is a bonus, not a focus of intimacy.
My partner is responsible for my pleasure.
After working through these questions, decide for yourself what holds true and what doesn’t. You have permission to throw out ideas you no longer believe and grab onto new ones.
You can give yourself - permission for pleasure!
Learn more on this topic:
Are you having sex worth wanting?
Permission for Pleasure Podcast
My letter to young women
10 ways to be sexual without masturbating
4 Techniques Women Use To Increase Pleasure With Penetration
Learn 4 techniques women use to increase pleasure with penetration.
While there are a percentage of women who sometimes orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, most of the women I have talked to over three decades as a nurse say that they cannot or rarely do.
You are normal if you do or don’t!
I want to share 4 techniques women use to increase their pleasure with penetration. To clarify, when I say penetration, this can mean a penis, toy, or fingers. These techniques outlined below provide stimulation to the clitoris which is the main pleasure organ for women.
OMGyes, a research company and website devoted to women’s sexual pleasure, in partnership with Indiana University School of Medicine, conducted a nationally representative study of over 3000 women ages 18-93, and I am sharing their results. These techniques were reported and named through their study and published in the scientific journal, PLOS ONE
Having language for what works or to describe what you want can be helpful.
It is helpful for yourself, in understanding your body and how you experience pleasure. Additionally, it can be very helpful in communicating with a partner - to describe what you want and desire. You may read one or more of these techniques and think to yourself, “Ohhhh, I do that!” Or, you might read and think, “Hmmmm…. I want to try that one and see how it feels!” Get curious and explore. Your pleasure matters!
4 ways women report experiencing more pleasure from vaginal penetration
Shallowing:
84% of women report using this technique
This is touch that stays just inside the entrance of the vagina - not all the way into the vagina. It is often slower, shallow thrusts and more gentle motions. Some women report enjoying a “curling motion” over and over. Good arousal and warm up time is key along with adequate lubrication. The perineum or tissue between the vagina and rectum is sensitive and will want lubrication to decrease friction but not sensation!
Watch my demo on Instagram
Pairing:
70% of women report using this technique
This is basically including stimulation to the clitoris along with penetration at the same time. This can be done by either by the woman, by her partner or with a toy. Remember, the clitoris is the key to women’s pleasure. So, if you enjoy stimulation to the glans clitoris on the outside of the vulva -reach down to stimulate that area. You can do this yourself or ask a partner do it. Have a conversation about it and you might ask a partner if you can guide their hand to show them where/how you enjoy the touch. Also consider choosing positions that allow for this kind of reach to the glans clitoris.
Watch my demo on Vimeo
Rocking:
76% of women report using this technique
With rocking, penetration stays inside. There isn’t thrusting motion. This allows the glans clitoris to be in constant contact without interrupted stimulation. Some people may call this grinding or other terms. If you are doing this with a partner, one way to “remind” them to keep still might be to wrap your legs around them. This prevents them from moving and allows more grinding and rocking motions by you rather than them (whether you are on the top or on the bottom).
Watch my demo on Instagram
Angling:
88% of women report using this technique
You may be doing this naturally, as it involves rotating, raising, or lowering the hips to adjust where the penis, fingers or toy comes in contact with the clitoral hood or glans clitoris. The distance between the clitoris and vaginal opening varies from woman to woman so there is not a set landmark to gauge from. You might consider using a pillow under your buttocks and experimenting with height and firmness. Another option to try is rounding your back to tuck your pelvis up or putting one leg up. Get creative and try tilting different ways and in different angles for different sensations.
These four techniques identified by OMGYES can really help you to talk about things you want to try or positions you want to use with a partner. Communication is key.
Prefer to listen? Hear Pleasure Techniques on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast
Learn more about these topics
All about the clitoris
The clitoris has a hood
Orgasm questions
Why female arousal takes more than 5 minutes
Talking with a partner about sex
Why vibrators work for women
Guide to lube
Do Women Ejaculate? What Is Squirting?
Answering your fluid questions: Do women ejaculate? What is squirting?
I often get asked these questions, and yes, women can ejaculate. Some women are aware that they do, though some may ejaculate without being aware of it. Both are normal. Ejaculating is not necessary for women to experience pleasure and it is not like what is portrayed in porn. There is no benefit to pressuring yourself to ejaculate, nor should you be expected to by a partner.
How it happens
The pair of glands on either side of the urethra (the hole where urine or pee exits the body) are called Skene’s glands. These glands can secrete a small amount of fluid during sexual activity. The amount would be approximately 1-2ml or a few drops of fluid - not a large amount. This is ejaculate. It is not urine, and it doesn’t squirt or project any distance. Usually it dribbles out, which is why many women may not be aware that it is happening.
What about squirting?
There remains a lot of controversy and misunderstanding about squirting and the existing research on the subject is limited. Much of what people know about squirting comes from pornography or videos in which people are acting and performing. Most of what we see in these spaces is entertainment and unrealistic.
Across women who report that they squirt, there is quite a bit of variance in how they describe it. The amount of fluid involved varies as well. Some report a few drops, others up to half a cup or more. This fluid comes from the urethra, not the vagina. It is watery, not slippery. There is discrepancy about what is included in the fluid and the scientific debate continues. The fluid comes through the urethra, so while it isn’t urine, it likely contains traces of urine and possibly a combination of other fluids.
For women who squirt, it results from firm stimulation to the urethral sponge either with fingers or a toy. The urethral sponge is a spongy cylinder packed with erectile tissue that surrounds the urethra. This is located above the roof of the vagina. This erectile tissue becomes engorged with blood and swells during arousal. Although the research on the subject is currently lacking, there is lots of correlation in how women report stimulation to the G-spot area, and squirting.
While squirting may happen with orgasm, one may occur without the other. For some it is associated with pleasure, and for others it’s not.
Pleasure is your guide
As you investigate sexual techniques, remember to let pleasure be your guide. Putting pressure on yourself or being pressured by a partner to achieve a certain goal creates an atmosphere of performance. This can lead to sexual shame, frustration, and decreased desire. Focus on enjoying the sex you are having, explore with mutual consent and allow yourself to be curious about experiencing more pleasure!
10 Ideas To Help You Explore Being a Sexual Person (No Masturbation Required)
Can I be sexual without masturbating? Absolutely! Here are 10 ideas to help you explore being a sexual person, and none of them involve self-touching.
In a recent Q & A someone asked me,
“How can you value yourself sexually besides through masturbation?”
This is a beautiful example of someone being sexually curious. They feel a desire to value or appreciate themselves as a sexual being.
Self-touching or masturbation is one healthy way to be sexual, but is certainly not the only way. You can be sexual outside of masturbating. Being an evolving sexual person is more than the act of having sex!
10 ideas to help you explore being a sexual person, and none of them involve Masturbation
Think of yourself as a sexual being. If this is new for you, begin to see and acknowledge yourself as sexual. Even say it out loud to yourself to get comfortable with this natural and normal part of you. Read my letter to young women or explore this more in my book Permission for Pleasure: Tending Your Sexual Garden
Explore your sexual ethic. Ask yourself questions like the following: What is your attitude about sex? What are your values around sex? What matters to you? What does sex mean to you? Try not to compare to others or media. Investigate and re-evaluate attitudes that may no longer be serving you. Considering journaling if it helps, or talk with a trusted friend.
Get curious about what feels sexual to you and where you feel that in your body. Arousal can come from things other than touch such as your imagination or something that you see. What sparks signs of arousal and do you recognize them in your brain and body? These are normal questions to ask yourself as an ongoing conversation through the seasons of your life.
Use your senses to engage with pleasure - embrace your sensuality. What sounds, sights, smells, tastes, non-sexual touches feel pleasurable in your body? How might you intentionally engage your senses to experience more pleasure. Here is a blog with specific ideas.
Express yourself and your sexual energy through movement or dance. Use music or quiet, wear clothes or don’t, move with other’s or alone. Allow yourself the freedom to move and be fully present in your body. Not as a performance, just for you alone. Then, pause and ask yourself what that energy feels like and where it is moving within your body.
Pursue non-sexual touch that feels comfortable to you. For example: stroke your arm, hug yourself, massage your scalp, circle your palm with your fingers, dry brush your skin. Close your eyes and notice the sensations you feel. Can you describe them?
Make yourself a sensual playlist. Find songs that make you feel things in your body, spark curiosity or prompt desires. As you listen, pay attention to what it is you think or feel. Add and delete songs over time and as you change. Take it a step further by adding movement.
Eye gaze with yourself in the mirror. Communicate care and tenderness to yourself through your gaze. Speak affirmations over yourself without vocal words – just using your eyes. Offer affirmations about your body, your mind, your sensuality —all of you!
Begin a mindfulness practice. Take a few minutes every day to get quiet, breathe, and pay attention to the present moment without judgement. Practice keeping your mind in the present with your body. Learn more in Dr. Brotto’s book, or listen to our conversation together in this two-part episode on the podcast.
Be in community with others who talk about sexual topics in a healthy way. Find a friend that is open to conversations or come over to my podcast community — a safe place to listen and learn along with others all around the world. Have your book club read my book and discuss it. I’ll even join you on zoom for a little Q & A!
Book Review: Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire, by Lori Brotto, PhD.
Do you want to know how sexual desire works and how it can be cultivated? Dr. Lori Brotto shares the research-based truths about desire that might literally transform your sex life!
“Attention training through mindfulness may be part of the recipe for cooking up sexual desire.”
Do you want to know how sexual desire works and how it can be cultivated? Dr. Lori Brotto, a professor, researcher, and psychologist shares the research-based truth about female desire in this book.
If you thought it was all about the hormones, think again! Brotto says, “Mood, sense of well-being, body image, self-esteem, and how a woman feels about her partner turned out to be far stronger predictors of her level of sexual desire than a single hormone.” She goes on to give many examples to help the reader understand how these elements in a woman’s life have an impact on desire.
What I appreciate about Lori Brotto is her ability to share all the best that science and research have to offer, in language every one of us can understand and apply for ourselves. Furthermore, in this book she offers practical tools and exercises that have been proven to help you transform your sex life.
Brotto’s studies have shown that paying attention during sex is a key factor in sexual arousal while inattention is a major inhibitor of a healthy sexual response. Our minds are busy, stressed and constantly multi-tasking. While it may seem obvious, we often forget that this does not bode well for our sex lives.
How do we pay more attention, and be more present during sex?
According to the research, Brotto says one way proven to help is “attention training through mindfulness.” What is mindfulness exactly? It is about “fully inhabiting the present moment, without trying to change anything. It involves a complete acceptance of who you are and what your experience is--without judgment,” says the author.
If the idea of mindfulness feels weird or difficult to you, this book offers a hopeful guide that will walk you through giving yourself permission to pay more attention with gentleness, and without judging yourself. Brotto offers easy to follow practices for all those interested in moving along the path to a healthy cultivation of their desire.
To hear Lori Brotto speak about desire, listen to the Permission for Pleasure Podcast episode 27.
Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.
Articles about sex to increase your pleasure.
This is a round up of the most popular articles and blogs about sex with my newsletter community in recent months. I curate sex education, to help you increase your pleasure! Sign up to join our community.
Photo Credit: KScharkey
Here is a round up of a few articles and blogs about sex that were popular with my newsletter community. Cheers to more people increasing their pleasure through good education!
*If you enjoy curated sex education like this, I want to invite you sign up for my newsletter.
Pleasure Techniques with Penetration
Currently, my most visited blog about the 4 techniques women use to increase pleasure with penetration. The fact is, only about 18% of women orgasm with vaginal penetration alone. These techniques are worth exploring to increase your pleasure and allow for more orgasms!
11 Expert-Approved Sex Positions For Couples With High Drives
This article from mindbodygreen.com walks you through “specific techniques that feature the winning combination of penetration and clitoral stimulation.” It includes simple drawings to demonstrate each technique.
Why Vibrators Work for Women and How To Choose One
This blog draws a lot of readers! There is a lot of stigma around sex toys, but the reality is they don’t have to be scary or overwhelming. And they certainly aren’t bad or taboo! Included are how to introduce a vibrator with a partner, choosing one that’s right for you and beginner recommendations.
Sex Sexperts Share How They Orgasm
This article from Dame gives voice to the myriad ways women climax involving vibrators, fingers, tongues and penetration. It will make it very clear that there is no right way to orgasm and why pleasure is the best focus!
The 10 Sex Questions Every Long-term Couple Wants To Ask
Great article by British sex expert Tracey Cox for the Daily Mail. It addresses solutions to the ten most common sex challenges people in long-term relationships face. She offers practical tips on oral sex, initiating sex, how to go about a sexual "reset," fantasy, and why doing the same thing over and over is "sexual suicide."
All About Lube
This blog gets a lot of traffic as well as it’s corresponding episode on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast (Episode 12). You’ll read the facts about lube, learn the types available, hear my personal recommendations, and get discount codes to try my favorites!
The 45+ Best Sex Positions Every Couple Should Try
If you are looking for a new sex position to try, you will definitely find it in this article. The 45+ Best Sex Positions Every Couple Should Try offers something for everyone. With each position you're given the name, benefits, technique, as well as a hot tip to go along with a drawn image.
Book Review: Reclaiming Pleasure, A sex positive guide for moving past sexual trauma & living a passionate life by Holly Richmond, PhD
This book by Dr. Holly Richmond, PhD, is a compassionate sex positive guide for your healing journey into pleasure after sexual trauma.
“Your sexual trauma doesn’t inform your sexuality; it misinforms it.”
This book is a compassionate guide from somatic psychotherapist, certified sex therapist, and licensed marriage family therapist, Dr. Holly Richmond.
In its pages, she offers research-based ideas to assist the reader in unraveling the misinformation that trauma can bring and to move toward healing. As she says,
“Since sexual trauma happens in the body, it must be healed through the body.”
Practices for healing are offered here for both your body and your mind. Within each chapter are client stories and reflection questions to help you process along the way.
Dr. Richmond specifically addresses what she calls the survivor trifecta of pain, shame, and suffering. She then outlines a three step process of thriving derived from her research and many years of working with clients. With care and understanding, she walks readers through these themes that include control, pleasure, and connection.
You can hear Holly talk more specifically about all of these things in our conversation on the podcast. I had the delight of having her on as a guest, and I found her to be as compassionate and thoughtful as her writing in this book.
I highly recommend this book as a guide for your individual healing journey toward living a passionate life.
Dr. Richmond offers: Reclaiming Pleasure: The Course .
Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.
Articles about sex and relationships to increase your pleasure and intimacy
This is a round up of the most popular articles and blogs about sex and relationships with my newsletter community in recent months. I curate sex education, so that you can increase your pleasure and intimacy! Sign up to join our community.
This is a round up of some recent articles and my blogs about sex and relationships to increase your pleasure and intimacy. These were the most popular with my newsletter community over the past several months and there is a little something for everyone!
*If you enjoy curated sex education like this, I want to invite you sign up HERE for my monthly newsletter where articles like these come straight to your inbox.
For women
10 Ways to Orgasm, That You Haven’t Thought of, According to Sex Therapists
Written for The Everygirl by Jose Santi, you might be surprised at a few of these. Often they aren't on your usual radar. Here's three examples: Building Sensuality Outside of the Bedroom, Don't Over-Hype the Climax and Explore Blended Orgasms.
Why Vibrators Work for Women and How To Choose One
By far one of my most popular blogs to date. There is a lot of stigma around sex toys, but the reality is they don’t have to be scary or overwhelming. And they certainly aren’t bad or taboo! Included are how to introduce a vibrator with a partner, choosing one that’s right for you and recommendations.
Are There Different Kinds of Orgasms?
Are there really different types of female orgasms? Is one type better than another? My blog answers these frequently asked questions, and more — about clitoral, G-spot, A-spot, blended, and uterine orgasms. What's true and what isn't, and why pleasure is the best focus!
For Couples
11 Sexual Penetration Techniques To Insert Into Your Pleasure Routine
Written by Mary Grace Garis for WellandGood, this article walks you through "specific techniques that feature the winning combination of penetration and clitoral stimulation." It includes simple drawings to demonstrate each technique from OMGyes.com, a "sexual-education platform that uses research and real experiences to help vulva-owners maximize their pleasure.” YES to that!!
9 Ways To Use Your Hands During Sex That’ll Make You & Your Partner Feel So Good
This article offers some specific tips for using your hands as tools for pleasure. Written by Rachel Shatto for Elite Daily, the article breaks down ideas for him (create a tunnel of love), and her (knuckles are the new fingertips), to let your fingers do the talking!!
ONE For my over age 50 crowd
Redefining Sex After 50
A great article by Stephanie Auteri for The Buzz by Pure Romance. "We know that, as we grow older, things naturally change...Why, then, are so many of us resistant to adapting to the changes that can happen in the bedroom?" This article is honest talk about how to redefine sex as we age!!
Make Some Noise During Sex
Women often censor themselves in their experience with pleasure and passion by not giving themselves the freedom to make noise during sex. Copulatory vocalizations are natural and normal.
For many years I worked as a Labor and Delivery nurse, helping to guide strong women through their birth experiences. I was surprised to find that in the midst of doing this incredible work of birthing their child, they were censoring themselves and trying to keep silent. This did not serve them well in the intense work and whole body experience of labor. I was always encouraging mothers to moan and groan or make whatever noise release felt good for them, as they worked with their bodies to bring their babies into the world.
It often took quite a bit of coaxing to get the women to vocalize. They didn’t feel it was acceptable or okay for them to make noise. This is because so many women have been conditioned to be silent or to be quiet in general. And not just with pain and discomfort, but also when their bodies are in movement, action or pleasure.
This idea parallels with sex.
Women often censor themselves in their experience with pleasure and passion by not giving themselves the freedom to make noise. It is natural and normal to be vocal with the sensations you experience during sex. Allowing your body to express itself audibly can be powerful and usher in more erotic energy.
Explore the idea of allowing yourself to connect your voice with the feelings in your body.
Give yourself the freedom to express what your body is experiencing. This may also help you be more present in your body.
The term for this is copulatory vocalizations.
Scientists have found that sexual noises may enhance pleasure. Pleasure is not something that you must keep silent about, it is not a secret you have to keep! Additionally, making noise may also serve as non-verbal communication and positive reinforcement with a partner. So…
Moan, Scream, Talk, Whisper, Sigh, Groan, Cry, Hum…
Get curious about giving yourself permission to make some noise.
Listen: 'The value of sex education' on The Good is in the Details podcast
Listen in on this conversation chock-full of solid sex education with Gwendolyn Dolske and Konstantin Hatcher on the Good is in the Details Podcast.
I had a conversation chock-full of solid sex education with Gwendolyn Dolske and Konstantin Hatcher on the Good is in the Details Podcast. We talked about how we can better understand female pleasure, the lack of ownership women feel over their bodies, and the importance of a woman’s sexual relationship with herself. There is also good discussion about desire styles, painful sex and how to talk with a partner about sex. Lots of tips for parents on this episode as well - talking with your child about sex, how to use role play and why it’s important for a child to know the names for their genitals. A rich discussion worth your time.
Give it a listen at the links below
Orgasm, Passion, Menopause: Articles Worth Reading For Better Sex
A round up of some recent articles about sex, intimacy and relationships that are worth reading. A little something for everyone!
Here is a round up of some recent articles about sex, intimacy and relationships that are worth reading. There is a little something for everyone, including those in menopause or others seeking more passion!
*If you enjoy curated sex education like this, I want to invite you sign up for my monthly newsletter HERE (All of these articles were featured for my email community over the last several months).
For women
How To Fully Let Go During Sex
Sex therapist Vanessa Marin wrote this for Bustle. This article covers “7 tips for keeping your mind on the prize and learning how to orgasm with your partner.” Specifically, it talks about orgasm as a mental experience - not just a physical one. The 7 tips are for better ways to occupy your brain during sex and help to get around mental blockages.
A Therapist Explains 3 Psychological Blocks That Kill Women's Sexual Desire
Written by Alicia Munoz LPC, for Mind Body Green. This article gives a lot of food for thought. So, if these three blocks spark your interest, give it a read. #1 Others define my desirability. #2 It's my partner's job to arouse me. #3 I need to be feminine.
No Matter How Long You Take To Reach Orgasm, There Are Ways To Speed Things Up
Gabrielle Kassel wrote this article for WellandGood. Some excellent advice in this read from several experts on the topic of orgasm. Then they spell out 8 steps for how to orgasm faster without stressing about the clock.
For Couples
10 Best Intimate Sex Positions To Boost Your Love Connection
Written for Women’s Health Magazine, this article by Aryelle Siclait is a great one if your sex life needs a healthy dose of intimacy or if you just want a new position to try. With simple illustrations and the reasons why each position boosts intimacy, there’s an option for every couple.
The Three Keys To Passion
Cheryl Fraser, Ph.D wrote this for The Gottman Institute. A sex therapist explains the Passion Triangle. This is three keys needed to create a foundation for a lifelong romantic and sexual passion. What are the three sides to the triangle? Intimacy. Thrill. Sensuality. Don't be put off by the length, there are some nuggets here worth your time.
ONE For my over age 50 crowd
Can You Have Good Sex After Menopause?
The answer is yes! A great article by Joan Price for her Senior Sex Blog at Hot Octopuss. She addresses how menopause affects sex, talking to your doctor about menopause and sex, and adds in some practical sex tips as well.
Pleasurable Touch Exercise
Communicate to your partner how and where you enjoy being touched.
PLEASURABLE TOUCH
Often, we give touch the way we want to receive it. Our partner may enjoy touch differently than we do since everyone does not receive touch the same way.
It is important to communicate to your partner how and where you enjoy being touched.
Also, it is important to ask your partner how and where they enjoy being touched.
If you know each other extremely well, the exercise below may play out differently than if you are new to each other. Either way - have fun, listen well, communicate honestly and enjoy intentionally giving and receiving touch with each other.
This is a wonderful exercise to do regularly as a couple. We change, and pleasure in how we receive touch can also change.
TOUCHING SESSION
Take turns touching each other’s bodies all over
Start at the feet or head, and then move over the whole body, everywhere but the genitals
Tell each other how and where touch is most pleasurable for you
Listen and take note of what your partner says
Use a simple rating system that feels comfortable for you to communicate levels of pleasure
0-5 (0 = doesn’t really do anything for me, 5 = that’s my favorite)
Humming or murmuring quietly to loudly
Simply saying yes, no or maybe
Fun options
Use massage oil or a massage candle for the touch session (check out products from Maude use code CINDY10 and Coconu use code PLEASURE)
Blindfold the partner receiving touch
At another time, use the information you gathered here first to touch your partner in all the places they find pleasurable and then include the genitals
*I may earn a small commission if you purchase products from my links. I choose carefully and only recommend products for their quality, performance, and overall reputation, regardless of any affiliate relationship.
Faking Orgasms Is Sexual Miscommunication
Faking orgasm is sexual miscommunication. Read some tips and conversations starters to quit faking because your pleasure matters!
When we fake orgasm, it results in our partner downloading information to their brain about what we find pleasurable that does not work for us. It also directs our focus to performing instead of enjoying.
Your pleasure matters
Most women have faked orgasm at one point or the other. Why? There are a lot of reasons, but it often comes down to pressure or expectation. This is something worth exploring — to understand where this expectation and/or pressure comes from.
Questions to consider:
Is it coming from you or your partner, or both?
Is it around your own concern that your partner feels successful or not feel badly?
Is it because you’re tired and want sex to be done?
Is it because the sex you’re having isn’t pleasurable and you want to hurry it along?
Is it you or your partner’s expectation that you orgasm every time?
Is there an expectation or pressure to orgasm with intercourse alone?
honest communication with a partner
Here are a few ideas to help you start a conversation with a newer partner:
"Could we _______?" If you know what you want, get specific and ask for it.
"Touch me right here." To be even more specific, take your partner's hand and guide it where you want to be touched.
"I’m really enjoying myself, but I’m not going to orgasm." This communicates your pleasure as well as taking the pressure off orgasm.
If you are with a long time partner, obviously this is more complicated.
Telling someone that you have been faking can feel really scary and overwhelming. Certainly, this is a conversation that requires care if you choose to have it. The way you approach your partner must take into account that you have not been honest and why. The truth may be shocking to them. Likely, if you have been good at faking it - they have been good at believing it. They will have emotion about this - it is okay for them to have emotion about this.
Take some time to really consider the reasons why you have been faking and how you can communicate some of this to your partner. Here are a few ideas to help you start a conversation with a long time partner:
“I am understanding more about myself sexually and really would like to have an honest conversation about it with you.”
“I have learned some new things about how I orgasm, could I share that with you?”
“I am changing in how I view our sex life. I have found that I don’t need to orgasm every time for it to be pleasurable.”
Using ‘I’ statements like these, help a partner to receive the information with less defensive feelings. Talking to a partner about sex works best outside of the bedroom, and when you have given your partner a heads up that you want to have a discussion.
If having this conversation feels too difficult alone
Consider having a therapist or counselor help you navigate this conversation. Sex therapists are well trained for these kinds of conversations and could help you through it. Or perhaps you have a counselor you have worked with that can assist you.
You might want to start with opening this healthy conversation with yourself first - to come to a better understanding about your own relationship with sex, orgasm and pleasure.
One step at a time my friends, because your pleasure matters.
For more on this topic:
Let’s Talk Orgasms
Talking with a partner about sex
Exploring your perspective of pleasure
Want better sex? Ask yourself these questions
Pleasure Techniques
Listen: 'Her Body, Her Pleasure' On The Smart Sex Podcast
Listen in on my conversation with certified sex therapist Leslie Gustafson on the Smart Sex podcast.
I was delighted to be invited for a conversation with Leslie Gustafson on the Smart Sex Podcast!
This episode ‘Her Body, Her Pleasure’ includes all things solid sex education! We talk about female anatomy, cliteracy, permission for pleasure, and dispelling the myths that inhibit women from embracing and enjoying their sexuality.
Listen via the links below.
Let’s keep opening these kinds of healthy conversations about sex!
Create a Sexy Playlist
Music is proven to have a very powerful effect on our behavior.
Music is proven to have a very powerful effect on our behavior. It is also known to increase our focus. Did you know you can use your sense of hearing to increase arousal and desire?
Your brain uses your senses to notice and pay attention to things that turn you on. By connecting with music intentionally and sensually, you can activate the sexual excitement center in your brain.
In this way:
Music can be a potent aphrodisiac.
Music also has a way of cementing a memory and it can be a sexy positive one. Think about it, have you ever associated a memory or feeling with a particular song? For example, “that song” was the first song we danced to, or “that song” was playing when I first kissed someone, or “that song” reminds me of my favorite road trip. Being intentional with music can be a fun and creative way to make sensual connections. For you alone, or for you and a partner.
creating a Sexy Playlist.
Here are a few ideas to get you started with your playlist to trigger your sensuality and arousal:
As you hear songs that tickle your fancy note them down. Choose songs with rhythms that feel erotic to you or with words that resonate for you.
Start with one song and intentionally play it and dance to it - alone, being mindful of connecting your body and mind with the song and the imagery it brings.
Think back to songs in the past that evoke positive sensual memories for you.
Tell yourself truths as you hear these songs like, “I am a sexual human,” “It is normal for me to have sexual thoughts and feelings,” “This feels good to me,” “My body is beautiful.”
Combine fantasies with songs on your playlist.
Further steps for a shared playlist with your partner
Share the song or songs with them; communicate how it makes you FEEL.
When you hear the songs let your mind engage with sexual thoughts of your partner.
Text your lover when you hear the song and use a “code” word or emoji you have decided on together. Or send them a snippet of the song to let them know you are thinking about them.
When the song comes on and others (or kids) are present, turn to each other and wink or link fingers or lean in for a quick kiss.
Begin making a list together of songs that you BOTH enjoy and feel sensual to you as a couple. Have fun adding songs one by one.
Play your sexy playlist when you have scheduled a time to be sexual together.
Play the list when you want to awaken your arousal in anticipation of a scheduled sex date.
Play the list to signal to your partner, without words that you would LIKE sexual time together.
Listen to more ideas in Episode 22 of the Permission for Pleasure Podcast: Date Ideas
Using Your Senses For Pleasure
Looking for some foreplay ideas? Use all your senses to increase your pleasure, fun, and arousal!
Our brain has a sexual excitement system that uses our senses to scan around for sexually relevant stimuli. This system is always working under our conscious level. I want to encourage the idea of consciously activating this system, by using your senses and imagination with intentionality. When we use our mind and engage our senses, we send signals to our brain to “tune in” and those signals can then help press the “on” button to stimulate arousal.
Here are some very simple ideas to spark your thinking and get you started. Get curious and try one thing that brings a new element into your lovemaking. Again the idea is to activate your senses with intention. Keep in mind my friends that sex doesn’t have to be serious and precious all the time. It can be playful, fun and make you laugh together as well. Keep the focus on pleasure!
SEE
Turn the lights on or use a dimmer switch for soft light
Use candlelight
Watch yourself or your partner in a mirror
Use a blindfold
Keep your clothes on
Keep one piece of clothing/shoes on
Dance for your partner, have your partner dance for you
SMELL
Candle & Aromatherapy: here are a few researched options to consider: Sandalwood, Jasmine, Peppermint, Lavender, Ylang ylang, Pumpkin (for men), Almond (for women), Vanilla, Licorice, Cinnamon, Basil, Citrus
Scented lube or scented body massage oil or scented massage candle (Maude’s are lovely)
Scented bathing products
TASTE
Feed each other
Create and enjoy a fruit feast on your body or your partner’s body,
Share a mint back and forth as you kiss, or chocolate or another treat
Edible lube
Edible massage oil
HEAR
Create a sexy playlist: choose songs with rhythms that feel erotic to you or with words that resonate for you and your partner, make the list together if possible
Play ocean waves or raindrops on a sound machine (or whatever sound feels romantic)
Choose a “sex song” or two or three - when you hear the song let your mind engage with sexual thoughts of your partner. Send the song to your lover when you are thinking of them.
Tell your partner out loud what you like, communicate your pleasure, make some noise
TOUCH
All over the body not just the genitals
Try this pleasure touch exercise
Massage each other
Feathers for light touching
Scarves for drawing along your body or touching through the silky fabric
Dabble with temperature play using hot and cold sensations
IMAGINE
Acknowledge your fantasies in your own mind
Share fantasies with one another
Act out fantasies or dip a toe into role play
Bring to mind memories of passionate sexual encounters you have had. These can be erotic keepsakes that you can open and replay in your mind
Remind your partner of pleasurable and hot sex you have had together. Share the details as sexy foreplay
*Some of the links are “affiliate links,” a link with a special tracking code. This means if you click on an affiliate link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission.
5 Podcasts (and a TED Talk) Worth Listening To (2018)
A few ideas for learning something new about sexual health.
I listen to MANY podcasts, interviews, and talks on sex and sexuality - looking for great resources to share with my community of learners. As 2018 wraps up, I have gathered up a few of the best for you!
1. “Am I 'Normal?’ and Other Questions with Sex Educator Emily Nagoski” | Bad Yogi Podcast
This interview has something for ALL ages and seasons of life. Definitely worth your time! If you want to know more about Nagoski's book Come As You Are, you can read my book review here.
2. Physical Therapy + Peeing During Sex | Girl Boner Radio
Host August McLaughlin interviews Heather Jeffcoat, DPT about pelvic floor health, sexual pain conditions, urinary leaking, menopause, postpartum, urinating during sex and how physical therapy can help transgender individuals post genital reconstruction surgery -- just to name a few. Especially good information about painful sex.
3. Sunscreen Lessons (Ep. 26) | Whine Down with Jana Kramer
This podcast features therapist and intimacy expert Dr. Leslie Gustafson and her therapist husband Doug. This conversation was like listening in on a therapy session. Thought provoking, honest and delving into relationship sex dynamics in an unscripted session. Worth a listen.
4. More Sex, Less Pain with Heather Jeffcoat | Sex with Emily on Sirius XM
To learn more about pelvic floor health, listen to this Q&A by physical therapist and author of "Sex without Pain" Heather Jeffcoat on the Sex with Emily podcast. Ladies, our pelvic floor is made up of 12 muscles and pelvic floor physical therapy is literally changing women's lives for the better. I wrote a blog about pain and sex you can read here.
5. Leaning Into The Squirm: How to Talk to Your Kids About Bodies, Sex and Sexuality (Ep. 99) | Sorta Awesome
Listen to a great discussion with counselor Leann Gardner about “Leaning Into The Squirm: How to Talk to Your Kids About Bodies, Sex and Sexuality” on the Sorta Awesome podcast. I want parents to feel confident to be their child's primary sex educator!
BONUS: "What young women believe about their own sexual pleasure" TED talk by Peggy Orenstein
I read Peggy Orenstein’s book, Girls & Sex this year and found her TED talk to be a good representation of her interviews and findings. I especially recommend this for parents/grandparents of girls in middle school through college. Good insight into why comprehensive sex education is crucial.
The Clitoris - It's a Network!
Fun fact: The word clitoris is thought to come from the Greek word, kleis, a key. It’s the key to unlocking the door to pleasure.
*Fun fact: The word clitoris is thought to come from the Greek word, kleis, a key.
It’s the key to unlocking pleasure
When asked to identify this 3-D picture model of the clitoris network, (pictured above), most people give answers like “I have no idea” or “a tulip emoji,” or even “a wishbone.”
This model provides some much needed insight into the shape and 10-centimeter size of the pleasure center for women.
Yes! It’s an entire NETWORK
Here are some facts about the clitoris to help you understand the entire network. As you read along, keep looking back to the 3-D model for reference; this will help you get a better understanding of where all the parts are as well as where they connect.
The clitoris is actually composed of many parts, ALL of which can play a role in pleasure.
The clitoris is a network of erectile tissue. It has as much internal erectile tissue as a penis does externally. Because it isn’t visible from the outside, many don’t know it is there! All of this erectile tissue can respond when aroused.
Due to the design of the whole clitoris it takes time to warm up and become aroused. Studies are clear that most women require 12-20 minutes or more of arousal (warming up activities) to reach orgasm.
The clitoris has thousands and thousands of nerve endings.
The primary Function of the clitoris is PLEASURE
The visible part of the clitoris on the vulva is called the glans or head. Sometimes it is referred to as the “love button,” because for many women it’s the most sensitive part of the clitoris. The glans is protected by the hood. The glans is attached to the clitoral shaft that runs just beneath the surface of the skin.
The shaft is composed of erectile tissue and is extremely receptive to sensation. It forks and divides like a “wishbone” with branches. These legs of the clitoris extend deep within the tissue of the vulva, and split to straddle the urethra and the vagina. To be clear: The clitoris extends INTERNALLY all the way to the base of the vaginal opening, meaning you have sensation points from the tip-top to the very bottom (pun intended).
The internal part of the clitoris is connected to the glans and shaft by two “spongy-like” bulbs of erectile tissue. These bulbs engorge with blood and increase in size when sexually aroused. The more aroused, the more increase of pleasure points internally with penetration or external pressure.
important keys to unlock ALL the pleasure
Every women is different. Every woman may desire different stimulation, and every woman is normal!
In other words, some women really love direct stimulation to the glans or head, while some women find that painful or too sensitive. Some women enjoy stimulation to the hood but not to the glans directly. And some enjoy penetration or massage/pressure to access all the internal nerve endings within the network.
This is all normal (Do you hear my theme here?)
There isn’t a right or wrong way -- or better or best. It is all about what each individual woman enjoys and what brings them pleasure.
I do think many women -- and most men -- simply do not understand how vast the network is. So often all the focus is on the glans or “love button.” If the glans brings you ALL the pleasure you desire, wonderful! However, what many women find as they explore stimulating other sensitive parts of the network is that there may be multiple ways to feel pleasure and different ways to orgasm.
I frequently get asked questions about the G-spot, so let’s use that as one example.
The G-spot is part of the clitoral network
It is not some spot on its own, it is a connected part of the network. This area is a clitoris cluster that attaches to the vaginal ceiling, Made up of spongy erectile tissue, it doesn’t have nearly the number of nerve endings as the clitoral head. Most often this area responds to massaging pressure that is persistent, (think: come hither motion) after a period of arousal has taken place. For some, this is a real focal point of pleasure; for others, not so much.
Again, different experiences and all normal
My encouragement to you is to get to know yourself and your body more and more. Help yourself and your partner figure out what brings you pleasure. Have fun in the process. Don’t be afraid to explore and experiment and laugh and moan along the way. This knowledge about the clitoris network may open up a whole new arousal world for you. Then again, it may not. Either way, you are normal.
Make pleasure the goal
Reels with demo’s on IG
Parts of the clitoris
Network under the surface
To learn more about these topics
Female arousal
Female anatomy
G-spot
The clitoris has a hood
Pleasure techniques with penetration
Cliteracy
Make some noise