Book Review: Women's Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston CNM, RN, BSN, LMT

If you have a desire to explore taking your pleasure to the next level, this book is for you. Women’s Anatomy of Arousal won the American Academy of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) Book of the Year in 2010. It’s been around a while and remains a steadfast favorite of many. 

Winston’s writing is easy to understand, and she comes across like a more experienced, sensual, big sister. Packed with education on women’s anatomy and physiology, this practical guide includes sections for '‘Play and Practice,” allowing you to get practical with the material.

If you are open to erotic exploration outside the so-called box, you will find this book both enriching and entertaining. Through drawings, art, quotes, and poetry, Winston educates on energy, breathing, a little magic, and a lot of “higher-level, whole-system perspective.”

I thoroughly enjoyed this book and Winston’s “in-depth, illustrated tour of the land of female genitalia, feminine sexuality and the intimate erotic arts.”

***** Highly recommend

Buy on Amazon

Note: This blog includes affiliate links from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn money from actions readers take on these links, such as a click or purchase. However, this is a book that I recommend fully and have purchased myself.

When Kids Ask Questions

When your child asks you questions about sexual health, you certainly want to give them an answer. Consider going a step further with them to determine the why behind the question, so that you are providing the right information at the right time. It can be helpful for you to understand the reasons behind why they are asking.

One way to do this is by asking a follow up question such as, “What made you ask that question?” or “Good question! What have you heard about this?”

Here are the 6 TOP reasons kids ask questions

Information - This can be a simple straightforward inquiry. They are curious or possibly wanting context for something they have seen or heard. They’re looking for education and information.

Am I normal - They want to understand if they are normal, and what is normal. They are seeking to learn how they fit into normal when they feel like they don’t.

Shock Value - They are looking for your reaction to a question, their knowledge about something, or their desire to know something. Your reaction and response is giving them information about what they can ask you about. They may be thinking, “Am I allowed to talk about this topic with my parent?” or “Can my parent handle these kind of questions?”

Permission seeking - They are seeking to get your permission for something. They may also be trying to determine if they need/want your permission.

Values based - They want to understand the values you hold surrounding a topic or question. The older they get they may also be determining if they align with your values.

Personal - They have something going on with their body, sexuality, or other personal question. The inquiry is directly about themselves.

With all the above, try to be intentional about affirming the ask and helping them understand that you are a safe person to continue coming to with all their questions.

Learn more about this topic:
Be your child’s sexual health educator
4 questions for parents as they talk about sexual health
10 tips for parents
Childhood sexual abuse prevention: 2 tools
6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child

New Year Intentions For Better Sex

• Get to know your body and anatomy

• Gain more understanding of your sexuality

• Give yourself permission to try something new

• Get curious about eroticism and sensual play

• Gain more education about sex through the podcast

• Give yourself permission to talk about sex

• Grow your sexual conversation with a partner by using these prompts

• Gift yourself a vibrator or toy

• Grab a good lubricant for sex

• Get curious about temperature play

• Give your arousal a nudge with these three tips

• Get up for morning sex

• Go sexify your bedroom

• Gift yourself a sexual wellness retreat with my book Permission for Pleasure: Tending Your Sexual Garden

• Get out of your bedroom boredom with an Ayra intimacy subscription box (use my discount code CS15)

• Glow up your arousal with Foria’s CBD Intimacy Oil

Listen: 'Survival Guide for Talking to Your Kids About Sex'

I recently had the pleasure of being a guest on the 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐒𝐮𝐩𝐞𝐫 𝐌𝐨𝐦 𝗪𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐚𝐛𝐞 Podcast, where I share lots of 𝐭𝐢𝐩𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐞𝐬 for parents with Kristen Wheeler.
⁣
"Cindy gives us a survival guide for how to talk to our kids about this subject that can feel scary, overwhelming, and awkward...⁣
She helps us be prepared for the 𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 that will come,⁣
how to 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐨𝐥𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐝 not to shy away from them, and⁣
the HUGE favor we can do for our daughters by 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐱 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞."⁣
⁣
Find it at the links below:

Listen: 'The value of sex education' on The Good is in the Details podcast

I had a conversation chock-full of solid sex education with Gwendolyn Dolske and Konstantin Hatcher on the Good is in the Details Podcast. We talked about how we can better understand female pleasure, the lack of ownership women feel over their bodies, and the importance of a woman’s sexual relationship with herself. There is also good discussion about desire styles, painful sex and how to talk with a partner about sex. Lots of tips for parents on this episode as well - talking with your child about sex, how to use role play and why it’s important for a child to know the names for their genitals. A rich discussion worth your time.

Give it a listen at the links below

Gwendolyn Dolske and Konstantin Hatcher talk with sex educator, Cindy Scharkey.  What is good sex education?  How can we better understand female pleasure?  What are desire styles?  How can parents talk to their children about sex?

Let's Talk Quickies

Let’s talk “Quickies!”

Intimacy with your partner can look a million different ways and a quick sexual connection is certainly one of them. 

A quickie is the term given to sex that is just that – quick. 

There are a lot of seasons in life when you only have 5 minutes to get it on and 5 minutes is better than nothing. A brief sexual encounter can infuse your relationship with a spurt of sexual energy. This energy helps keep the two of you connected to each other until you have time and space for a longer intimacy date.

Let’s be real. Quickies don’t have to be the best sex you ever had together. 

In fact, they probably won’t be. It’s best if expectations are reasonable and the focus is on bringing your bodies together. This means keeping the focus on pleasurable connection, a little fun and a lot of affectionate playfulness!

Limited time equals minimal foreplay or warming up activities. This likely means that not everyone may orgasm. (especially women). Agree ahead of time that this is okay for both partners.

Orgasm isn’t necessarily the goal here.

Absolutely awesome if it happens, but absolutely okay if it doesn’t. 

As is often said, timing is everything. There are times when your arousal may be speedier, such as after exercising or earlier in the day. Engaging in a quickie at these times may help increase pleasure and fun.

Sometimes, you and your partner may have different ideas about what a quickie looks like or feels like. This is normal. If you have never talked about it, take some time to communicate with each other about what feels pleasurable and what doesn’t. You might want to use this post to jump start the conversation. Together, come up with two or three scenarios that feel comfortable, feasible and fun! Ideally, this is an open-ended conversation that you will circle back to often and at different seasons in your relationship. 

Think outside your typical sex framework.

Especially if intercourse is your usual sexual go-to, consider new ways to pleasure each other. Perhaps try something new? Like meeting up in the shower, keeping most of your clothes on, or just using your hands. Use your imagination!

Rather listen to this topic?
Permission for Pleasure Podcast: Episode 23

My Letter To Young Women

You are a human woman and your humanness includes being a sexual being. Your female body, as well as the curiosity and arousal you feel as a sexual human woman, is normal. This is part of the beautiful complexity of how you are designed.

Rather than embracing the exquisite way we are made as women, we develop ways to hide it and even come to hate it. We are propelled along this path both overtly and covertly by what we are taught within our families, culture and by religious teaching.

What did you grow up hearing about your body and developing sexuality? Was it positive and affirming or do words like “dirty,” “bad” and “shameful” come to mind? You are not alone. Did you grow up with a resounding silence around your femaleness? Silence about your genitals, silence about your body changing, and silence regarding sex. You are not alone.

The vast majority of girls in North America grow up with this kind of messaging and/or with silence surrounding their sexuality. These negative messages plant themselves like seeds into our minds and bodies. What often grows from those seeds is shame.

Shame is the result of thinking or hearing, “I am bad.” Shame is different from guilt. Guilt is the result of thinking “I did something bad.” Shame can also be the result of silence. So, whether you experienced silence about sex, or negative messaging that left you feeling you are “bad,” both of these scenarios can lead to the shame cycle. For a long time now, our culture and some religious teachings have used this shaming as a way of teaching the purity message, especially to girls. It’s a subliminal way of spelling out who we are to be as females, how we are to act as “good girls,” and the negative narrative about if we fail to meet these expectations.

Author and shame researcher Brené Brown states, “Shame is not a compass for moral behavior.” I believe this is true. Shame is a lousy compass and presents us with directions that lead to roads of silence, self-lies and sexual disgust. It hides the pathways to healthy body image and sexuality.

While it is extremely difficult for us as women to change this negative mantra and the lies that have taken root in our minds and bodies; it is possible. Not only is it possible, but it is absolutely crucial for us as we travel the journey of becoming whole, healthy humans. How do we shift away from our body-hating, and our buried self-disgust of our sexuality? What steps can we take to move into affirming acceptance of ourselves and ultimately come to a place of embracing our body as she is?

First we must remind ourselves that our body image does not include adjectives such as “dirty,” “bad” or “shameful.” We must tell ourselves over and over that we do not need to deny our femaleness; we do not have to hate our bodies. It is important to really think through the negative messages we have absorbed over the years and decide if they honestly hold true for us or if we need to let them go. Another step we can take is to give ourselves permission to look at our genitals, actually use a mirror and become acquainted with our good and beautiful body as she is. There is nothing shameful or wrong about understanding our body and how she works. Lastly, we can be mindful and come to understand that sexual pleasure for women is beautiful and we are equipped with the sexual anatomy to experience that pleasure.

I urge you to remind each other of our female uniqueness. Seize opportunities to encourage the women in your life toward acceptance of the goodness in how we are beautifully made. Speak the words of truth to each other - that we are beloved, fully accepted and truly loved as we are right now. As we do these things, we will begin to break the silence surrounding female sexuality. The silence that is within ourselves and amongst ourselves that hinders us from embracing the beautiful creation of woman. The beautiful creation of YOU.

Cindy

Pleasurable Touch Exercise

PLEASURABLE TOUCH

Often, we give touch the way we want to receive it. Our partner may enjoy touch differently than we do since everyone does not receive touch the same way.
It is important to communicate to your partner how and where you enjoy being touched.
Also, it is important to ask your partner how and where they enjoy being touched.

If you know each other extremely well, the exercise below may play out differently than if you are new to each other. Either way - have fun, listen well, communicate honestly and enjoy intentionally giving and receiving touch with each other.

This is a wonderful exercise to do regularly as a couple. We change, and pleasure in how we receive touch can also change.

TOUCHING SESSION

• Take turns touching each other’s bodies all over

• Start at the feet or head, and then move over the whole body, everywhere but the genitals

• Tell each other how and where touch is most pleasurable for you

• Listen and take note of what your partner says

• Use a simple rating system that feels comfortable for you to communicate levels of pleasure

  • 0-5 (0 = doesn’t really do anything for me, 5 = that’s my favorite)

  • Humming or murmuring quietly to loudly

  • Simply saying yes, no or maybe

• Fun options

  • Use massage oil or a massage candle for the touch session (check out products from Maude use code CINDY10 and Coconu use code PLEASURE)

  • Blindfold the partner receiving touch

  • At another time, use the information you gathered here first to touch your partner in all the places they find pleasurable and then include the genitals

*I may earn a small commission if you purchase products from my links. I choose carefully and only recommend products for their quality, performance, and overall reputation, regardless of any affiliate relationship.

Are There Benefits To Morning Sex?

There are a lot of benefits to having morning sex.

• Testosterone and estrogen levels are higher in the morning.

• You get to start your day with a surge of feel good hormones.

• Your energy levels are not depleted.

• You aren't losing any sleep or disrupting your sleep schedule.

• During REM sleep there is increased blood flow to your genitals (so they are primed and ready).

• Sex gets your blood flowing by increasing your heart rate.

• If you always have sex at night, the morning light provides something new and different.

• For couples with kids, it can feel “kid-proof” if you set your alarm for sex before they get up.

• Planning for morning sex allows you to prioritize your physical connection.

Rise and shine!

Learn more on this topic:
3 Tips to Speed up Your Arousal

Listen: 'Her Body, Her Pleasure' On The Smart Sex Podcast

I was delighted to be invited for a conversation with Leslie Gustafson on the Smart Sex Podcast!

This episode ‘Her Body, Her Pleasure’ includes all things solid sex education! We talk about female anatomy, cliteracy, permission for pleasure, and dispelling the myths that inhibit women from embracing and enjoying their sexuality.

Listen via the links below.

Let’s keep opening these kinds of healthy conversations about sex!

Put your sex geek on & let's get "cliterate"! Leslie is joined in this episode by her colleague and peer Cindy Scharkey, BSN, RN, Speaker and passionate Educator to talk about women's sexuality, and in depth about the clitoris- the primary sexual pleasure center for women.

When A Partner Wants To Try Something New

Consent - Curiosity - Communication!

“My partner wants to try ______ (fill in the blank) and I am not sure I’m comfortable with that.” “Do I have to do it?” “How do I handle this?”

I field this question so often from women regarding any number of sexual activities. Using the three C’s can help you work through this.

Mutual consent is a non-negotiable

First and foremost, you don't have to do anything you are not comfortable with and your partner should respect your choices. You always have the right to say "No thanks!" It is vitally important that both partners be in agreement regarding whatever they choose to do sexually together.

Also, get curious

Get curious with yourself first. Ask yourself some honest questions about why you feel the way you do about whatever the request is. Are you afraid? Does it gross you out? Have you heard or read things that have influenced you feeling the way you do? Is it possible that fear of failure is an issue for you, if it doesn’t go well? Is there an alternative compromise that you might feel comfortable with?

Next, get curious with your partner. If you are in a trusting relationship and your partner is asking to try something new, ask questions to understand what might be the broader desire behind the request. Is it that they are bored? Want to experiment? Are feeling adventurous? Did they see or hear something that sparked their curiosity? Have they always had a sexual fantasy but never verbalized it?

Communication is key

We are all humans, and humans have sexual desire. It is a normal thing to talk about our sexual desires. Have an honest conversation with one another about your answers to the questions above. This can be really enlightening for both of you and your sexual relationship.

Keep in mind that trying something different, whether it’s a hit or a miss, provides you with new information. This can be super helpful and enriching for your intimacy. If you mutually decide to try something new, here are some questions for consideration afterward.

* Did you enjoy it?⁣

* Did you experience pleasure?⁣

* Did it feel just right?⁣

* Is it just - not what you’re into?⁣

* Did you discover, maybe not that exactly, but...⁣

* Or that’s a yes, but perhaps with this adjustment.

CONSENT! curiousITY! communicatioN!

For more on this topic:
Talking to your partner about sex
Communication, Couples and Sex
Talking About Sex (when things aren’t great)
Sexual Communication
ARYA intimacy experiences for couples - Use my discount CS15 (affiliate link)

Using Your Senses For Pleasure

Our brain has a sexual excitement system that uses our senses to scan around for sexually relevant stimuli. This system is always working under our conscious level. I want to encourage the idea of consciously activating this system, by using your senses and imagination with intentionality. When we use our mind and engage our senses, we send signals to our brain to “tune in” and those signals can then help press the “on” button to stimulate arousal.

Here are some very simple ideas to spark your thinking and get you started. Get curious and try one thing that brings a new element into your lovemaking. Again the idea is to activate your senses with intention. Keep in mind my friends that sex doesn’t have to be serious and precious all the time. It can be playful, fun and make you laugh together as well. Keep the focus on pleasure!

SEE

• Turn the lights on or use a dimmer switch for soft light

• Use candlelight

• Watch yourself or your partner in a mirror

• Use a blindfold

• Keep your clothes on

• Keep one piece of clothing/shoes on

• Dance for your partner, have your partner dance for you

SMELL

• Candle & Aromatherapy: here are a few researched options to consider: Sandalwood, Jasmine, Peppermint, Lavender, Ylang ylang, Pumpkin (for men), Almond (for women), Vanilla, Licorice, Cinnamon, Basil, Citrus

• Scented lube or scented body massage oil or scented massage candle (Maude’s are lovely)

• Scented bathing products  

TASTE

• Feed each other

• Create and enjoy a fruit feast on your body or your partner’s body,

• Share a mint back and forth as you kiss, or chocolate or another treat

• Edible lube

• Edible massage oil

HEAR

• Create a sexy playlist: choose songs with rhythms that feel erotic to you or with words that resonate for you and your partner, make the list together if possible

• Play ocean waves or raindrops on a sound machine (or whatever sound feels romantic)

• Choose a “sex song” or two or three - when you hear the song let your mind engage with sexual thoughts of your partner. Send the song to your lover when you are thinking of them.

• Tell your partner out loud what you like, communicate your pleasure, make some noise

TOUCH

• All over the body not just the genitals

• Try this pleasure touch exercise

• Massage each other

• Feathers for light touching

• Scarves for drawing along your body or touching through the silky fabric

• Dabble with temperature play using hot and cold sensations

IMAGINE

• Acknowledge your fantasies in your own mind

• Share fantasies with one another

• Act out fantasies or dip a toe into role play

• Bring to mind memories of passionate sexual encounters you have had. These can be erotic keepsakes that you can open and replay in your mind

• Remind your partner of pleasurable and hot sex you have had together. Share the details as sexy foreplay

*Some of the links are “affiliate links,” a link with a special tracking code. This means if you click on an affiliate link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission.

All About Lube

Picture going down a water slide without enough water … It is not comfortable, or fun! Adequate water is needed for the slide to be slippery and cut down on the friction between it - and you! Lubrication is a lot like that.

Whatever you have heard and believed about sex, women and lubrication – throw it out the window and let’s start fresh with the basics. Sex can involve your body parts rubbing or moving against another surface or partner’s body parts. This results in friction. When there is too much friction it can cause discomfort, micro-tears of the skin, or pain. Adequate lubrication reduces the friction.

Reducing friction can also increase pleasure.

This means that adding a personal lubricant into your sex life is not just for when your body needs more moisture to avoid discomfort, but it can also make the sex you’re having slicker, longer lasting and more enjoyable. It can be an enhancement for your sexual activity.

Before you read further, let’s be clear - the cultural myth that a woman getting “wet” is the indicator that she is turned on and aroused is simply not evidenced-based. The best indicator to determine if a woman is aroused is - listening to her words - letting you know she is. Also, a lack of lubrication does not indicate a lack of arousal or desire for sex. These two facts are important for you and a partner to understand.

Lubrication is part of the sexual response cycle.

With arousal, there is increased blood flow to the genitals which begins the lubrication process. Women are all different, but typically need 11-20+ minutes of warming up activities (foreplay) to reach full arousal. A woman’s lubrication can vary day to day and from partner to partner. Women naturally lubricate in varying amounts.

Experiencing times of vaginal dryness is not an “old lady” issue.

There are many reasons why any woman of any age might not produce sufficient vaginal lubrication to allow for pleasurable sex. It may occur on and off in a woman’s life or it may be the nature of the way your individual body works all of the time. Certainly, a woman’s hormonal shifts in life can be a significant factor.

It is normal to experience times of increased dryness after birthing a baby or while breastfeeding. It is well known and documented that menopausal changes and aging can result in vaginal dryness and lack of lubrication. Other factors can affect lubrication as well. Stress, alcohol, medication side effects, dehydration, and skin irritation are a few known culprits.

Touching your genitals when they are dry, is not usually pleasurable!

So, whether for solo play and exploration or for partnered sex, lube is a good thing to have on hand. For the times you and your partner may be having a quickie - lube is most certainly recommended due to the decrease in time for arousal.

Despite what you may have seen on TV or in movies - saliva is not good lube. It isn’t slippery and has no staying power because it evaporates quickly. It can also transmit STI’s and unwanted bacteria from one partner to another.

Using lube with protective barriers like condoms is highly encouraged. It decreases friction that can cause discomfort as well as reduces condom breakage. Pick a lube based on its compatibility with the type of condoms you regularly use. Additionally, a good lubricant is essential for anal play or anal sex. The anus does not self-lubricate at all and penetration of any kind without lube can result in tissue trauma and pain.

BASIC categories of lube:

It is best to think through each type and possibly try a few to determine what will work best for you and your partner. I highly recommend you test out the lube on skin other than your vulva or vagina first to determine any sensitivity. The underside of your arm works well, dab some on there and wait a day to see if you tolerate the lube without irritation. Always check labels, the fewer ingredients - the better.

Silicone based lube: 

Generally well-tolerated, non-irritating, and unlikely to cause allergic reactions. Safe to use with condoms. Not usually compatible to use with silicone toys. A little goes a long way, slippery not runny, and stays where you put it. Long lasting, and doesn’t evaporate. Suggestion: Uberlube.

Water-based lube:

Thinner consistency and dries up quickly which may require reapplication. Often a good choice for those with sensitive skin. Check ingredients and steer clear of parabens, fragrances and glycerin. Easy cleanup. Safe with latex condoms and silicone toys. Suggestions: Coconu, Good Clean Love Almost Naked, Okanagan Joy.

Oil based lube:

Thicker consistency and can play multiple roles as a friction reducer as well as great for skin-on-skin contact and sensual massage. Be careful with ingredients - may cause irritation/infection in some women. Not safe with latex condoms. Suggestion: Coconu

Food Oils:

None are recommended for vaginal lubrication. Though many people tell me they use coconut oil with good results and no ill effects. Food oils can speed up growth of bacteria and yeast in the vagina. They don’t flush out of your system easily. Oil causes condom breakage - do not use with condoms. Suggestion: Coconut oil

Petroleum-based lubricants (Vaseline, mineral oil)

These products should not be used internally and are not recommended. They can irritate and promote bacterial growth that can lead to infections. Never use with condoms or other latex barriers because they cause breakage.

More Options:

Hybrid lubes: a mix of water based with some silicone that provides a longer-lasting benefit with easier clean up. Suggestion: Good Clean Love
Lubes infused with CBD or hemp. Suggestions: Coconu, Foria, GoLove
Edible or flavored lubes

To try UberLube use code CINDY for 15% off
To try Coconu use my affiliate link and code Pleasure for 15% off
To try Okanagan Joy use my discount code CINDY15

*AFFILIATE LINKS AND RECOMMENDATIONS: I may earn a small commission when readers purchase products through my affiliate links. This doesn't affect which products are included. I choose products carefully, and anything I recommend on my website is recommended for its quality, performance, and overall reputation, regardless of any affiliate relationship.