Faking Orgasms Is Sexual Miscommunication

When we fake orgasm, it results in our partner downloading information to their brain about what we find pleasurable that does not work for us. It also directs our focus to performing instead of enjoying.

Your pleasure matters

Most women have faked orgasm at one point or the other. Why? There are a lot of reasons, but it often comes down to pressure or expectation. This is something worth exploring — to understand where this expectation and/or pressure comes from.

Questions to consider:

• Is it coming from you or your partner, or both?

• Is it around your own concern that your partner feels successful or not feel badly?

• Is it because you’re tired and want sex to be done?

• Is it because the sex you’re having isn’t pleasurable and you want to hurry it along?

• Is it you or your partner’s expectation that you orgasm every time?

• Is there an expectation or pressure to orgasm with intercourse alone?

honest communication with a partner

Here are a few ideas to help you start a conversation with a newer partner:

• "Could we _______?" If you know what you want, get specific and ask for it.

• "Touch me right here." To be even more specific, take your partner's hand and guide it where you want to be touched.

• "I’m really enjoying myself, but I’m not going to orgasm." This communicates your pleasure as well as taking the pressure off orgasm.

If you are with a long time partner, obviously this is more complicated.

Telling someone that you have been faking can feel really scary and overwhelming. Certainly, this is a conversation that requires care if you choose to have it. The way you approach your partner must take into account that you have not been honest and why. The truth may be shocking to them. Likely, if you have been good at faking it - they have been good at believing it. They will have emotion about this - it is okay for them to have emotion about this.

Take some time to really consider the reasons why you have been faking and how you can communicate some of this to your partner. Here are a few ideas to help you start a conversation with a long time partner:

• “I am understanding more about myself sexually and really would like to have an honest conversation about it with you.”

• “I have learned some new things about how I orgasm, could I share that with you?”

• “I am changing in how I view our sex life. I have found that I don’t need to orgasm every time for it to be pleasurable.”

Using ‘I’ statements like these, help a partner to receive the information with less defensive feelings. Talking to a partner about sex works best outside of the bedroom, and when you have given your partner a heads up that you want to have a discussion.

If having this conversation feels too difficult alone

Consider having a therapist or counselor help you navigate this conversation. Sex therapists are well trained for these kinds of conversations and could help you through it. Or perhaps you have a counselor you have worked with that can assist you.

You might want to start with opening this healthy conversation with yourself first - to come to a better understanding about your own relationship with sex, orgasm and pleasure.

One step at a time my friends, because your pleasure matters.

For more on this topic:
Let’s Talk Orgasms
Talking with a partner about sex
Exploring your perspective of pleasure
Want better sex? Ask yourself these questions
Pleasure Techniques

What Is Pre-Cum? Can I Get Pregnant From It?

The fluid that comes out of a penis during arousal — but before ejaculation — is called pre-ejaculate. Some people refer to it as “pre-cum.”

It is made up of several fluids but mostly fluid from the Cowper's gland. Its main functions are to provide lubrication and neutralize the acidity of the urethra.

Pre-cum can contain live sperm in a small percentage of people. Sperm may also be present if the person has not urinated since their last ejaculation.

So, the fact is:

You can get pregnant from pre-cum.

Pre-ejaculate fluid can also contain STI’s (sexually transmitted infections).

Also, most men cannot tell when they have pre-ejaculated.

Coitus Interruptus or The Withdrawal Method are terms for unprotected penetrative sex where the penis is pulled out prior to ejaculation. If you use "pulling out" as your primary method of birth control, the estimated chance of pregnancy over a one year period is 1 in 5.

Are There Benefits To Morning Sex?

There are a lot of benefits to having morning sex.

• Testosterone and estrogen levels are higher in the morning.

• You get to start your day with a surge of feel good hormones.

• Your energy levels are not depleted.

• You aren't losing any sleep or disrupting your sleep schedule.

• During REM sleep there is increased blood flow to your genitals (so they are primed and ready).

• Sex gets your blood flowing by increasing your heart rate.

• If you always have sex at night, the morning light provides something new and different.

• For couples with kids, it can feel “kid-proof” if you set your alarm for sex before they get up.

• Planning for morning sex allows you to prioritize your physical connection.

Rise and shine!

Learn more on this topic:
3 Tips to Speed up Your Arousal

Why Does Female Arousal Take More Than 5 Minutes?

Arousal is the physiological changes in your body that occur when you are sexually excited.

For women, this process often takes more than 5 minutes (like you see in the movies). Why?

• The clitoral network has a whole lot of erectile tissue. (anatomy demo)

• All this tissue needs time for the blood flow to increase to it.

• The blood flow increases as arousal increases.

• Your brain engages and often this is when desire is determined. (Do I want sex?)

• As the blood flow increases to the tissues they dilate and become swollen.

• The vaginal canal might expand.

• Lubrication happens.

• Adequate arousal can increase pleasure.

The average time needed for adequate female arousal leading to orgasm is 14-20+ minutes

Want to learn more on this topic?
3 Tips to Speed Up Your Arousal
Reclaiming Your Arousal Mindset
Community Questions about Arousal
Misconceptions Men Believe About Sex

What Is The Hymen?

Here are some facts about the hymen:

• The hymen is a thin membrane-like tissue that’s located inside the opening of the vagina

• The shape, size, and flexibility of a hymen is unique to each person

• The hymen tissue doesn’t have a known function

• Most often the hymen naturally has a hole or holes in it.

• These holes are big enough for menstrual blood to come out

• There are some vulvas with so little hymenal tissue that it would appear they don’t have one

• There are rare cases where the hymen covers the entire vaginal opening requiring surgical intervention

• The hymen tissue is thin and is naturally stretched with activities like riding a bike, playing sports and inserting a tampon or finger into the vagina.

• Once stretched, the hymen does not grow back.

• The hymen is a membrane with relatively few blood vessels, so if torn or stretched, may not bleed significantly.

• An examination of the hymen is NOT an accurate or reliable “test” of history of sexual activity.

Are There Different Kinds Of Orgasms?

Are there really different types of female orgasms?

People constantly ask about the validity of differentiating between orgasms such as: clitoral, G-spot, A-spot, blended, uterine and on the list goes.

Honestly, even the scientists cannot agree on the answer to this question, so let's just say there isn't one "right" answer. There is not one orgasm that is “better” than another. It is good to remember that orgasm is a sudden release in sexual tension, and it can be brought about in a myriad of ways. Also important to recognize that the context in which you have an orgasm influences your perception of the sensation. 

Here are some things we DO know to be true about female orgasm:

Women are fabulously unique and diverse and report varied experiences with orgasm. They are all normal.

Women can experience orgasm differently depending on where they are being stimulated and experiencing arousal.

The clitoral network is larger and more involved than most people understand and likely plays a role in many or most genital orgasms through direct or indirect stimulation.

The vast majority of women do not orgasm with intercourse or penetration alone. Using specific pleasure techniques can increase the chances of orgasm with penetration.

Women can enjoy different kinds of sensations at different times of the day, month, year, and season of life. 

Women experience pleasure very individually and also experience variety within their own experiences with orgasm.

Women may ejaculate with an orgasm and may experience squirting unrelated or related to orgasm.

Orgasm may feel small or huge; like a whisper or a hurricane: intense or gentle, more like a lapping wave on the shore or a tidal wave out of the sea. There is a large scale to draw from and anywhere it feels on the scale is healthy and normal.

A woman’s vulva or vagina is not the only route to orgasm. 

Women report highly pleasurable orgasms from breast stimulation, having their toes sucked, while fantasizing or pleasuring their partner orally, for example.

Women have reported orgasms in which they did not feel pleasure, for example during a period of depression, during sleep or exercise.

My overall encouragement for women is to focus on the pleasure they experience rather than try to categorize their orgasms. Learn to express, experience and enjoy!

More on this topic:
The clitoris - it’s a network!
Is there a G-spot?
20 Orgasms
Orgasm -answering your questions
Do women ejaculate? What is squirting?
The key to female pleasure
Let’s talk orgasms
Exploring your perspective of pleasure

When A Partner Wants To Try Something New

Consent - Curiosity - Communication!

“My partner wants to try ______ (fill in the blank) and I am not sure I’m comfortable with that.” “Do I have to do it?” “How do I handle this?”

I field this question so often from women regarding any number of sexual activities. Using the three C’s can help you work through this.

Mutual consent is a non-negotiable

First and foremost, you don't have to do anything you are not comfortable with and your partner should respect your choices. You always have the right to say "No thanks!" It is vitally important that both partners be in agreement regarding whatever they choose to do sexually together.

Also, get curious

Get curious with yourself first. Ask yourself some honest questions about why you feel the way you do about whatever the request is. Are you afraid? Does it gross you out? Have you heard or read things that have influenced you feeling the way you do? Is it possible that fear of failure is an issue for you, if it doesn’t go well? Is there an alternative compromise that you might feel comfortable with?

Next, get curious with your partner. If you are in a trusting relationship and your partner is asking to try something new, ask questions to understand what might be the broader desire behind the request. Is it that they are bored? Want to experiment? Are feeling adventurous? Did they see or hear something that sparked their curiosity? Have they always had a sexual fantasy but never verbalized it?

Communication is key

We are all humans, and humans have sexual desire. It is a normal thing to talk about our sexual desires. Have an honest conversation with one another about your answers to the questions above. This can be really enlightening for both of you and your sexual relationship.

Keep in mind that trying something different, whether it’s a hit or a miss, provides you with new information. This can be super helpful and enriching for your intimacy. If you mutually decide to try something new, here are some questions for consideration afterward.

* Did you enjoy it?⁣

* Did you experience pleasure?⁣

* Did it feel just right?⁣

* Is it just - not what you’re into?⁣

* Did you discover, maybe not that exactly, but...⁣

* Or that’s a yes, but perhaps with this adjustment.

CONSENT! curiousITY! communicatioN!

For more on this topic:
Talking to your partner about sex
Communication, Couples and Sex
Talking About Sex (when things aren’t great)
Sexual Communication
ARYA intimacy experiences for couples - Use my discount CS15 (affiliate link)

Create a Sexy Playlist

Music is proven to have a very powerful effect on our behavior. It is also known to increase our focus. Did you know you can use your sense of hearing to increase arousal and desire?

Your brain uses your senses to notice and pay attention to things that turn you on. By connecting with music intentionally and sensually, you can activate the sexual excitement center in your brain.

In this way:

Music can be a potent aphrodisiac.

Music also has a way of cementing a memory and it can be a sexy positive one. Think about it, have you ever associated a memory or feeling with a particular song? For example, “that song” was the first song we danced to, or “that song” was playing when I first kissed someone, or “that song” reminds me of my favorite road trip. Being intentional with music can be a fun and creative way to make sensual connections. For you alone, or for you and a partner.

creating a Sexy Playlist.

Here are a few ideas to get you started with your playlist to trigger your sensuality and arousal:

1. As you hear songs that tickle your fancy note them down. Choose songs with rhythms that feel erotic to you or with words that resonate for you. 

2. Start with one song and intentionally play it and dance to it - alone, being mindful of connecting your body and mind with the song and the imagery it brings.

3. Think back to songs in the past that evoke positive sensual memories for you.

4. Tell yourself truths as you hear these songs like, “I am a sexual human,” “It is normal for me to have sexual thoughts and feelings,” “This feels good to me,” “My body is beautiful.”

5. Combine fantasies with songs on your playlist.

Further steps for a shared playlist with your partner

1. Share the song or songs with them; communicate how it makes you FEEL. 

2. When you hear the songs let your mind engage with sexual thoughts of your partner.

3. Text your lover when you hear the song and use a “code” word or emoji you have decided on together. Or send them a snippet of the song to let them know you are thinking about them.

4. When the song comes on and others (or kids) are present, turn to each other and wink or link fingers or lean in for a quick kiss.

5. Begin making a list together of songs that you BOTH enjoy and feel sensual to you as a couple. Have fun adding songs one by one.

6. Play your sexy playlist when you have scheduled a time to be sexual together.

7. Play the list when you want to awaken your arousal in anticipation of a scheduled sex date.

8. Play the list to signal to your partner, without words that you would LIKE sexual time together.

Listen to more ideas in Episode 22 of the Permission for Pleasure Podcast: Date Ideas

Desire Styles

Feeling desire spontaneously or in advance is not required to express your sexuality in a way you enjoy or to have “good sex.” The truth about desire is that there is more than one style or pattern. It is normal for partners to have mismatched desire styles. It doesn’t mean something is “broken” in one partner.

An important note about desire - it is not a drive (like hunger.) I realize this is all you have heard in popular cultural terminology, however the science proves that wrong. A more accurate way to think of desire is as an “incentive motivation system.” Desire is being pulled toward an outside stimulus that is attractive to us. Desire actually works more like curiosity.

Spontaneous Desire:

Some people experience desire first then arousal. This is called spontaneous desire. About 15 percent of women have spontaneous desire. About 75 percent of men have spontaneous desire. How this looks: one partner encounters sexually relevant stimuli and that sparks desire leading to arousal. This person wants sex “out of the blue.”

Responsive Desire:

Some people experience arousal first then desire. This is called responsive desire. About 30 percent of women have responsive desire. About 5 percent of men have responsive desire. How this looks: one partner is thinking, “I’m not in the mood,” or doesn’t particularly feel desire for sex/intimacy but once they get touching or kissing or cuddling and tune into the connection, they can enjoy it. Basically this person wants sex when something erotic is already happening; they need a compelling reason other than just an attractive person in front of them.

Combination Desire:

Some people experience arousal with a combination of both styles. The big decisive factor involved is - context. About half of all women experience desire this way. How this looks: If you are content and not stressed and your partner touches you and becomes affectionate and you respond in that relaxed context with responsive desire - OR - you have been texting sexy messages back and forth with your partner all day and you see each other after work, kiss hello, and you immediately jump into their arms. In this context, sexual desire feels spontaneous.

Tips and Strategies

* For those with responsive desire, if you put off sex until you “feel desire” you will be having a lot less sex.

* The more sex you have, often the more responsive you will be and the more you will enjoy it.

* Desire styles can change and shift in our lifetime and according to context so understanding responsive desire is crucial for keeping sexually connected if/when spontaneity no longer works (if it ever did!)

* Desire is influenced by many factors, including hormones, exhaustion, stress, medical conditions, past trauma and relationship conflict - to name a few.

*  Stay curious, change things up, introduce novelty or an element of mystery, and alternate intensity to increase sexual desire.

* Tune into yourself and ask questions such as: What makes me feel sensuous? What stimulates and arouses me? What makes me feel sexual?  What draws me toward touching?

* Talk about desire styles with your partner, read this blog out loud together, discuss how this looks for your sexual relationship and to better understand one another.

* If you and your partner have mismatched desire styles, talk together about “negotiating” sexual frequency. This may sound strange, but if you are in a trusting relationship, many couples find this works well. Be honest, compromise and come to an understanding and agreement about frequency that you both can be comfortable with.

Talking with a partner about sex

Does talking about sex feel like speaking a language you don’t know?

Good communication is one of the keys to a nourishing relationship. Talking about the topic of sex is one area where many people seriously struggle to have open conversation. Most people grow up with a lot of silence about sex and so it may be like a language you never learned.

The fact is that it is absolutely normal to have to discuss and negotiate the many facets of sex.

So while it may not always be comfortable or easy, it is normal and needed. Good communication and good sex go together and can lead to a lot more pleasure!

And here is the good news - talking about sex is a language you can learn! Just like any foreign language, it takes practice. The more you practice, the easier it gets.

Do these common responses sound familiar to you?

“I view a discussion about sex as threatening to myself or fear it will feel threatening to my partner, it is easier to say nothing, than to take the risk”

“ I don’t want to hurt my partner’s feelings, so I don’t speak up”  

“ I believe if my partner really loves me or cares about me, they will know what I like and want.”

“ I wonder what my partner is open to trying or into but I am afraid to ask”

“ What used to work before, doesn’t work anymore, how do I tell my partner”

I hear these kind of comments often, so if they resonate with you, you are not alone!

Here are some tips that might help get you started having healthy conversations about sex.

Basic Communication Strategies and Starters

Start the conversation with something positive, “I really love it when...” Then suggest what you want, “I would enjoy more….” Follow that with a specific example, “I think it would be a turn on if we….” Then ask for their feedback, “What do you think would be fun to try?”

Begin sentences with “I” instead of “You” For example: “I’ve noticed some things about my body and how it responds during sex and I want to share that with you” instead of “You aren’t doing what my body needs to get aroused.”

To gather more information and gain understanding, Say things like “tell me more about that…” or repeat what you THINK you heard them say and clarify that you heard accurately what they were trying to communicate.

Have conversations about sex out of the bedroom (not right before or during sex) - perhaps while you are driving in the car together or taking a walk. A neutral location.

Better not to “surprise” your partner, but rather, tell them ahead you want to talk about sex and ask to set up a time to do so.

Practice what you want to say ahead of time. Think through how to communicate in a way that your partner will hear and understand. Is there an example or demonstration to make things more clear?

Tackle one topic at a time. It is better to address one thing at a time and have ongoing short conversations rather than everything all at once.

Give answer options.⁣ ⁣ Sometimes this helps spark a healthy discussion⁣ when one of you wants to try something new ⁣ (new position, place, toy, technique etc...)⁣ Answer options: Yes. No. Maybe⁣ or Thumbs up. Thumbs down. So-So⁣

Start with simple vocabulary words such as: Harder ~ Softer ~ Deeper ~ Faster ~ Slower ~ Stop ~ Up ~ Down ~ Left ~ Right.

To learn more:
Read a book on sex together to help open up conversations.
Listen together to these episodes on the Permission for Pleasure Podcast:
Communication, Couples and Sex
Talking About Sex (when things aren’t great)
Want Better Sex? Ask Yourself These Questions
Sexual Communication

Using Your Senses For Pleasure

Our brain has a sexual excitement system that uses our senses to scan around for sexually relevant stimuli. This system is always working under our conscious level. I want to encourage the idea of consciously activating this system, by using your senses and imagination with intentionality. When we use our mind and engage our senses, we send signals to our brain to “tune in” and those signals can then help press the “on” button to stimulate arousal.

Here are some very simple ideas to spark your thinking and get you started. Get curious and try one thing that brings a new element into your lovemaking. Again the idea is to activate your senses with intention. Keep in mind my friends that sex doesn’t have to be serious and precious all the time. It can be playful, fun and make you laugh together as well. Keep the focus on pleasure!

SEE

• Turn the lights on or use a dimmer switch for soft light

• Use candlelight

• Watch yourself or your partner in a mirror

• Use a blindfold

• Keep your clothes on

• Keep one piece of clothing/shoes on

• Dance for your partner, have your partner dance for you

SMELL

• Candle & Aromatherapy: here are a few researched options to consider: Sandalwood, Jasmine, Peppermint, Lavender, Ylang ylang, Pumpkin (for men), Almond (for women), Vanilla, Licorice, Cinnamon, Basil, Citrus

• Scented lube or scented body massage oil or scented massage candle (Maude’s are lovely)

• Scented bathing products  

TASTE

• Feed each other

• Create and enjoy a fruit feast on your body or your partner’s body,

• Share a mint back and forth as you kiss, or chocolate or another treat

• Edible lube

• Edible massage oil

HEAR

• Create a sexy playlist: choose songs with rhythms that feel erotic to you or with words that resonate for you and your partner, make the list together if possible

• Play ocean waves or raindrops on a sound machine (or whatever sound feels romantic)

• Choose a “sex song” or two or three - when you hear the song let your mind engage with sexual thoughts of your partner. Send the song to your lover when you are thinking of them.

• Tell your partner out loud what you like, communicate your pleasure, make some noise

TOUCH

• All over the body not just the genitals

• Try this pleasure touch exercise

• Massage each other

• Feathers for light touching

• Scarves for drawing along your body or touching through the silky fabric

• Dabble with temperature play using hot and cold sensations

IMAGINE

• Acknowledge your fantasies in your own mind

• Share fantasies with one another

• Act out fantasies or dip a toe into role play

• Bring to mind memories of passionate sexual encounters you have had. These can be erotic keepsakes that you can open and replay in your mind

• Remind your partner of pleasurable and hot sex you have had together. Share the details as sexy foreplay

*Some of the links are “affiliate links,” a link with a special tracking code. This means if you click on an affiliate link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission.

All About Lube

Picture going down a water slide without enough water … It is not comfortable, or fun! Adequate water is needed for the slide to be slippery and cut down on the friction between it - and you! Lubrication is a lot like that.

Whatever you have heard and believed about sex, women and lubrication – throw it out the window and let’s start fresh with the basics. Sex can involve your body parts rubbing or moving against another surface or partner’s body parts. This results in friction. When there is too much friction it can cause discomfort, micro-tears of the skin, or pain. Adequate lubrication reduces the friction.

Reducing friction can also increase pleasure.

This means that adding a personal lubricant into your sex life is not just for when your body needs more moisture to avoid discomfort, but it can also make the sex you’re having slicker, longer lasting and more enjoyable. It can be an enhancement for your sexual activity.

Before you read further, let’s be clear - the cultural myth that a woman getting “wet” is the indicator that she is turned on and aroused is simply not evidenced-based. The best indicator to determine if a woman is aroused is - listening to her words - letting you know she is. Also, a lack of lubrication does not indicate a lack of arousal or desire for sex. These two facts are important for you and a partner to understand.

Lubrication is part of the sexual response cycle.

With arousal, there is increased blood flow to the genitals which begins the lubrication process. Women are all different, but typically need 11-20+ minutes of warming up activities (foreplay) to reach full arousal. A woman’s lubrication can vary day to day and from partner to partner. Women naturally lubricate in varying amounts.

Experiencing times of vaginal dryness is not an “old lady” issue.

There are many reasons why any woman of any age might not produce sufficient vaginal lubrication to allow for pleasurable sex. It may occur on and off in a woman’s life or it may be the nature of the way your individual body works all of the time. Certainly, a woman’s hormonal shifts in life can be a significant factor.

It is normal to experience times of increased dryness after birthing a baby or while breastfeeding. It is well known and documented that menopausal changes and aging can result in vaginal dryness and lack of lubrication. Other factors can affect lubrication as well. Stress, alcohol, medication side effects, dehydration, and skin irritation are a few known culprits.

Touching your genitals when they are dry, is not usually pleasurable!

So, whether for solo play and exploration or for partnered sex, lube is a good thing to have on hand. For the times you and your partner may be having a quickie - lube is most certainly recommended due to the decrease in time for arousal.

Despite what you may have seen on TV or in movies - saliva is not good lube. It isn’t slippery and has no staying power because it evaporates quickly. It can also transmit STI’s and unwanted bacteria from one partner to another.

Using lube with protective barriers like condoms is highly encouraged. It decreases friction that can cause discomfort as well as reduces condom breakage. Pick a lube based on its compatibility with the type of condoms you regularly use. Additionally, a good lubricant is essential for anal play or anal sex. The anus does not self-lubricate at all and penetration of any kind without lube can result in tissue trauma and pain.

BASIC categories of lube:

It is best to think through each type and possibly try a few to determine what will work best for you and your partner. I highly recommend you test out the lube on skin other than your vulva or vagina first to determine any sensitivity. The underside of your arm works well, dab some on there and wait a day to see if you tolerate the lube without irritation. Always check labels, the fewer ingredients - the better.

Silicone based lube: 

Generally well-tolerated, non-irritating, and unlikely to cause allergic reactions. Safe to use with condoms. Not usually compatible to use with silicone toys. A little goes a long way, slippery not runny, and stays where you put it. Long lasting, and doesn’t evaporate. Suggestion: Uberlube.

Water-based lube:

Thinner consistency and dries up quickly which may require reapplication. Often a good choice for those with sensitive skin. Check ingredients and steer clear of parabens, fragrances and glycerin. Easy cleanup. Safe with latex condoms and silicone toys. Suggestions: Coconu, Good Clean Love Almost Naked, Okanagan Joy.

Oil based lube:

Thicker consistency and can play multiple roles as a friction reducer as well as great for skin-on-skin contact and sensual massage. Be careful with ingredients - may cause irritation/infection in some women. Not safe with latex condoms. Suggestion: Coconu

Food Oils:

None are recommended for vaginal lubrication. Though many people tell me they use coconut oil with good results and no ill effects. Food oils can speed up growth of bacteria and yeast in the vagina. They don’t flush out of your system easily. Oil causes condom breakage - do not use with condoms. Suggestion: Coconut oil

Petroleum-based lubricants (Vaseline, mineral oil)

These products should not be used internally and are not recommended. They can irritate and promote bacterial growth that can lead to infections. Never use with condoms or other latex barriers because they cause breakage.

More Options:

Hybrid lubes: a mix of water based with some silicone that provides a longer-lasting benefit with easier clean up. Suggestion: Good Clean Love
Lubes infused with CBD or hemp. Suggestions: Coconu, Foria, GoLove
Edible or flavored lubes

To try UberLube use code CINDY for 15% off
To try Coconu use my affiliate link and code Pleasure for 15% off
To try Okanagan Joy use my discount code CINDY15

*AFFILIATE LINKS AND RECOMMENDATIONS: I may earn a small commission when readers purchase products through my affiliate links. This doesn't affect which products are included. I choose products carefully, and anything I recommend on my website is recommended for its quality, performance, and overall reputation, regardless of any affiliate relationship.

The G-Spot

Is there a G-spot?

The reality is - it isn’t really a “spot.” It is not all alone on its own, but a connected part of the clitoral pleasure network.

The G-spot area appears to be where the urethra, vagina and an internal portion of the clitoris come together. Likely, it is made up of spongy erectile tissue. This area only becomes distinguishable when a woman is aroused and the area is engorged with blood. 

There is no magic “button”

Researchers continue to be mystified in attempting to find an actual spot. So, with that in mind try to set the goal of finding it aside and just relax and have fun experimenting. Figure out what brings you pleasure in your own body.

In a recent study on the topic by OMGYES, about 2/3 of women report that it attaches to the vaginal ceiling (the upper wall of the vagina). That would be roughly about 12 o’clock when a woman is lying on her back. It is about 2-3 inches into the vagina. What was interesting however, is that about 1/3 of women report that their G-spot is “on the left, right or bottom wall or the location ‘moves’ from day to day.”

Every woman experiences pleasure differently and all are NORMAL.

The degree of sexual sensation in this area varies widely from woman to woman and can also vary within the same woman. Factors such as arousal level, time of the month and season of life may come into play regarding the variance. So, for some women, this may be a real focal area of pleasure, for others, not so much.

If you are trying to find a G-spot area, most often it responds to massaging pressure that is persistent. It can be manually with fingers, or with penetration of a penis or a toy. When using finger(s), you’ll want to firmly but gently use a “come-hither” curl motion. Try not to focus on finding a spot but rather stimulate the whole erogenous zone inside the vagina. As you become aroused, you might feel a slight increase in firmness to the tissues as they engorge with blood. You also may want to press a finger or two up against this region and hold it there. This area is not as sensitive as the clitoral glans, so it can usually tolerate firm, persistent pressure.

Positions that seem to provide the best stimulation to the G-spot area with penetration are woman-on-top positions and rear-entry positions. Remember you are attempting to provide persistent stimulation to the upper wall of the vagina (or wherever you have found your region to be located). Orgasms with G-spot area stimulation may or may not result in ejaculate of some clear fluid from the glands that exist in the spongy tissue. This is normal whether it happens or doesn’t happen.

When you hear the term blended orgasm, more often than not this is referring to a combination of g-spot and clitoral stimulation. In other words, two pleasure points being stimulated at one time. Some women find using pleasure techniques with penetration a helpful way to stimulate G-spot regions.

More on this topic:
The Clitoris - it’s a whole network!
Orgasms - answering your questions
Pleasure techniques with penetration
Can women be multi-orgasmic?
What is edging?
Let’s Talk Orgasms

Parents: You Can Be Your Child's Sexual Health Educator

Parents: You can be your child’s primary sexual health educator!

Children desperately need adults that can talk to them openly about their bodies, sexuality, puberty and sex. So often, parents feel unsure, uncomfortable and unprepared to open these conversations, so they remain ... silent.

Silence is the enemy of sex education!

Research shows that children are primarily influenced by their parents. So, it is imperative that parents educate themselves ahead of time and be prepared to talk to their children about these important topics, as well as be the one their child seeks out with their questions and concerns...uncomfortable or not!

From babyhood, boys and girls need to understand the names for their sexual body parts. By that I do not mean, “your woo-woo, or wee-wee” -- I mean PENIS and VAGINA and VULVA. It is important for genitals to be named in the same matter-of-fact manner as other body parts, not associated with nicknames or snickering or attitudes that shame. For example: this is your leg, this is your nose, and this is your penis. This is your elbow, this is your vulva, and you pee out of your urethra. Young children also need to hear often that their body is unique to them. That no two bodies are alike! It is crucial that they understand from the get go that all bodies are different and differences are beautiful and normal. The comparisons begin at an early age and young children need a solid base of body self-acceptance before the puberty years ahead.

By starting early and often, these conversations become a natural part of daily life.

One of the most vital roles parents can play is to be their child’s primary source of information and education on matters surrounding sexuality and sex. It is imperative to communicate that you are open to ANY question asked. That nothing is off limits. Children need to be assured that if a parent does not know the answer, they will find out for them, and get back to them. AND THEN DO IT! Today’s child has easy access to the Internet and if you will not answer their questions, they will either Google for the answer, ask their peers (who knows what they know) or view pornography to gather information. So many kids today when asked, say that their primary source of sex education is from pornography. There are so many mixed messages for children in our culture today; it is crucial that parents help their child navigate the confusion. You can do this by playing an active role in providing accurate information and being available. You can do this by consistently affirming what is normal and natural.

As your child asks questions, learn to really listen for what is being asked. A good first response might be, “Wow! What a great question, what made you think of that?” to allow the child to give context to what they truly want to know.

The key here is giving the right information at the right time.

So, don’t be afraid to take that pause after a difficult question posed, and with your game face on, ask that additional context question before you answer. Another idea is to give a little bit of information and wait to see if that is all they really want to know or if you should add a bit more. If your child isn’t asking any questions, take the initiative and ask questions yourself. An easy way to jumpstart a conversation is to use things you encounter together. For example: a breastfeeding mother; a new baby, or a pregnant woman. With an elementary age child you might ask something like, “I know kids at school are probably talking about sex. Are you hearing things you have questions about?” or “When I was your age, I had questions about…. (pubic hair or breasts or where babies come from), have you ever thought about that?”

Ideally, it is best if these kinds conversations start at an early age and occur often as a normal part of your family conversations. However, it is never too late to start being available and opening the doors to talking about sexuality and sex. No matter the age of your child, take the initiative and break the silence!

More on this topic

4 questions for parents to discuss
My child is starting sex ed - send help!
Childhood sexual abuse prevention: 2 tools for parents
6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child

Contact me to learn more about my Parent workshops!

5 Podcasts (and a TED Talk) Worth Listening To (2018)

I listen to MANY podcasts, interviews, and talks on sex and sexuality - looking for great resources to share with my community of learners. As 2018 wraps up, I have gathered up a few of the best for you!

1. “Am I 'Normal?’ and Other Questions with Sex Educator Emily Nagoski” | Bad Yogi Podcast 

This interview has something for ALL ages and seasons of life. Definitely worth your time! If you want to know more about Nagoski's book Come As You Are, you can read my book review here.

2. Physical Therapy + Peeing During Sex | Girl Boner Radio

Host August McLaughlin interviews Heather Jeffcoat, DPT about pelvic floor health, sexual pain conditions, urinary leaking, menopause, postpartum, urinating during sex and how physical therapy can help transgender individuals post genital reconstruction surgery -- just to name a few. Especially good information about painful sex.

3. Sunscreen Lessons (Ep. 26) | Whine Down with Jana Kramer

This podcast features therapist and intimacy expert Dr. Leslie Gustafson and her therapist husband Doug. This conversation was like listening in on a therapy session. Thought provoking, honest and delving into relationship sex dynamics in an unscripted session. Worth a listen.

4. More Sex, Less Pain with Heather Jeffcoat | Sex with Emily on Sirius XM

To learn more about pelvic floor health, listen to this Q&A by physical therapist and author of "Sex without Pain" Heather Jeffcoat on the Sex with Emily podcast. Ladies, our pelvic floor is made up of 12 muscles and pelvic floor physical therapy is literally changing women's lives for the better. I wrote a blog about pain and sex you can read here.

5. Leaning Into The Squirm: How to Talk to Your Kids About Bodies, Sex and Sexuality (Ep. 99) | Sorta Awesome

Listen to a great discussion with counselor Leann Gardner about “Leaning Into The Squirm: How to Talk to Your Kids About Bodies, Sex and Sexuality” on the Sorta Awesome podcast. I want parents to feel confident to be their child's primary sex educator!

BONUS: "What young women believe about their own sexual pleasure" TED talk by Peggy Orenstein

I read Peggy Orenstein’s book, Girls & Sex this year and found her TED talk to be a good representation of her interviews and findings. I especially recommend this for parents/grandparents of girls in middle school through college. Good insight into why comprehensive sex education is crucial.

Can Women Be Multiorgasmic? How Can I Experience Multiple Orgasms?

Question: “I’ve read a lot about women having multiple orgasms at a time. Is that a real thing? How can I achieve multiple orgasms at one time?”

Yes! women can be multi-orgasmic

Multi-orgasmic means capable of having more than one orgasm in a single sexual session. While women have the capacity to be multi-orgasmic, not every woman experiences them nor desires them. The available research suggests approximately 15% of women report experiencing multiple orgasms and there is also a broad range of how women describe their experiences. Multi-orgasmic women would attest that allowing yourself to experience multiple orgasms requires not only a good understanding of your own body and how you function sexually, but a good amount of practice as well.

Whether you experience one orgasm at a time or more in one setting — you are normal!

Orgasm is something you allow to happen.

Often women need an adjustment in their mindset from achieve to allow. This may help with recognizing and experiencing pleasure and that alone is a win. If the orgasms keep coming, well …. even more reason to celebrate. (More on orgasm here.)

Women have a large area of erectile tissue included in the whole clitoral network. All of that network is available to be activated with stimulation if there is adequate arousal. After experiencing an orgasm, the resolution phase (lowering of arousal) is a slower process for women. So, if arousal is maintained post initial climax, women can have the ability to build up to orgasm again and again in the same sexual session. Certainly, people may take a rest or pause, however they don’t allow enough time to significantly lower their level of arousal.

Keep in mind that it helps to be open to various forms of stimulation and ways to orgasm if you are wanting to experiment with understanding your body and how it can build up to orgasm more than once. Female bodies are able to experience many different kinds or types of orgasms depending on where and how the clitoral network or other erogenous zones are being stimulated.

(To learn more listen ‘The Key to Female Pleasure’)

Each orgasm may feel differently — this is normal.

Multi-orgasmic women describe making use of varied pleasure zones as well as forms of stimulation. So, while some people may be more prone than others to experience multiple orgasms, another factor that might come into play is one’s openness to what sex can look like. For example: oral stimulation; manual (self or partnered) stimulation; sensual touch and nipple play; penetration; pleasure techniques with penetration; stimulation to your G-spot, vibrators and changing of positions - all these variations are options for stimulating all the parts of the clitoris and other pleasure sensitive areas. Again, realistically it may take time for you to learn to recognize your response to various stimulation and what you enjoy and find pleasure in. Yes, that’s my encouragement for practice!

Be attentive to your most important sex organ!

Your brain is your most important sex organ. Mentally focus on pleasure and sensation rather than a goal of becoming multi-orgasmic. This is a healthy mindset that can help you in the allowing of climax. Intentionally engage your sensuality - what sparks or arouses sexual feelings or desire. Tune into your senses, this activates your sexual excitement system which you want to keep fired up to maintain arousal.

If having multiple orgasms is something you are curious about, and you are having partnered sex, talk about your desire together. You may also want to investigate these four techniques that women use to increase their pleasure with penetration. Communication is essential as you mutually explore.

* A note about males and multi-orgasm. While they may have the capacity to be multi-orgasmic, many don’t investigate this. For most men, climax usually involves ejaculation, (multi-orgasmic men often learn to experience orgasm without ejaculation). After ejaculation, the lowering of arousal phase (called refractory phase) is fast for men — much quicker than for women. Many men are unable to immediately become physically aroused again. From the research, we find that while males have the capacity to experience more than one orgasm in a sexual session, few have the desire to gain the needed self-control training required to experience it.
Curious? Listen to this episode: Can Men Be Mulit-orgasmic?

Answering your questions: Orgasm

Direct questions from my sex survey:

Q). Does every woman achieve orgasm from intercourse every time?

Fact: Every woman does not orgasm every sexual encounter and especially not with intercourse alone.

Q). Is there a way to make it more likely for a woman to achieve orgasm while having sexual intercourse?

Fact: About 20% of women reliably orgasm with intercourse alone.  

Fact: About 80% of women do not reliably orgasm with intercourse alone.

Fact: The overwhelming majority of women need manual or oral stimulation to the clitoris to reach orgasm. Clitoral stimulation is what makes it more likely a woman will orgasm. There are four techniques women describe using to increase pleasure and orgasm with penetration.

Q). How come I do not orgasm every time?

Fact: There are numerous reasons women may not orgasm every time. It may be the context, feelings about your partner, time of the month, not the right stimulation, disruption in stimulation, distractions, mental load, stress, fatigue - just to name a few. As well, many women say orgasm every time is not necessary for them to enjoy a satisfying sexual experience with their partner.

focus on pleasure not orgasm

Our goal driven society and culture does not translate well into our sexual lives. If you need a “goal” then make it pleasure and see if that helps you to switch up your mindset and anxiety about orgasm happening or not happening. The more anxiety around “will I” and the more pressure you feel to “get there” actually work against the process.

Orgasm is something you allow to happen, as opposed to make happen.

Orgasm is a series of rhythmic muscle contractions that are centered in the pelvic muscles and clitoral network. It is a reflex. It is definitely more subjective for women than for men. The experience of orgasm is unique to each individual. Orgasm also differs from experience to experience in the same woman. It can range from a pleasant wave of sensation to a mind-blowing intense whole body experience--and everything in between! Women also describe different kinds of orgasms, as well as experiencing multiple orgasms in a single sexual experience.

All of these variations are normal.

Many factors play into the process of orgasm, the most crucial being the need for clitoral stimulation. In answer to the question above; “is there a way to make it more likely to orgasm with intercourse?” the answer is to incorporate stimulation to the clitoris during intercourse. To spell it out, you or your partner needs to use your hands, or a toy or positions that directly stimulate the clitoris. Pleasure techniques such as pairing, shallowing, rocking and angling can help. Another necessary piece to the puzzle is to be aroused good and well before penetration of any kind. This means that your whole clitoral network is ready and wanting so that if it continues to get enough stimulation you will allow for orgasm.  

Another significant factor is sufficient time.

Time to increase arousal thus leading to orgasm (often referred to as foreplay). Women’s bodies require adequate time to allow the vagina and vulva to lubricate, increase in blood flow, and soften. All of this necessary warming up is part of the whole process that helps the body to allow for orgasm. The female arousal process takes more than 5 minutes! (More like 12-20min)

Lastly, use your brain and know yourself. Stay focused and tuned into experiencing all the pleasurable sensations. Going over your ‘to do’ list during sex is NOT staying focused. Sex and multi-tasking do not go well together! And most important of all, is to learn and know your own body and what feels good and brings you pleasure - and then to communicate that to your partner. Take a step toward opening the conversation. Your pleasure matters.

The Clitoris - It's a Network!

*Fun fact: The word clitoris is thought to come from the Greek word, kleis, a key.

It’s the key to unlocking pleasure

When asked to identify this 3-D picture model of the clitoris network, (pictured above), most people give answers like “I have no idea” or “a tulip emoji,” or even “a wishbone.”

This model provides some much needed insight into the shape and 10-centimeter size of the pleasure center for women.

Yes! It’s an entire NETWORK

Here are some facts about the clitoris to help you understand the entire network. As you read along, keep looking back to the 3-D model for reference; this will help you get a better understanding of where all the parts are as well as where they connect.

• The clitoris is actually composed of many parts, ALL of which can play a role in pleasure.

• The clitoris is a network of erectile tissue. It has as much internal erectile tissue as a penis does externally. Because it isn’t visible from the outside, many don’t know it is there! All of this erectile tissue can respond when aroused.

• Due to the design of the whole clitoris it takes time to warm up and become aroused. Studies are clear that most women require 12-20 minutes or more of arousal (warming up activities) to reach orgasm.

• The clitoris has thousands and thousands of nerve endings.

  The primary Function of the clitoris is PLEASURE

• The visible part of the clitoris on the vulva is called the glans or head. Sometimes it is referred to as the “love button,” because for many women it’s the most sensitive part of the clitoris. The glans is protected by the hood. The glans is attached to the clitoral shaft that runs just beneath the surface of the skin.

• The shaft is composed of erectile tissue and is extremely receptive to sensation. It forks and divides like a “wishbone” with branches. These legs of the clitoris extend deep within the tissue of the vulva, and split to straddle the urethra and the vagina. To be clear: The clitoris extends INTERNALLY all the way to the base of the vaginal opening, meaning you have sensation points from the tip-top to the very bottom (pun intended).

• The internal part of the clitoris is connected to the glans and shaft by two “spongy-like” bulbs of erectile tissue. These bulbs engorge with blood and increase in size when sexually aroused. The more aroused, the more increase of pleasure points internally with penetration or external pressure.

important keys to unlock ALL the pleasure

Every women is different. Every woman may desire different stimulation, and every woman is normal!

In other words, some women really love direct stimulation to the glans or head, while some women find that painful or too sensitive. Some women enjoy stimulation to the hood but not to the glans directly. And some enjoy penetration or massage/pressure to access all the internal nerve endings within the network.

This is all normal (Do you hear my theme here?)

There isn’t a right or wrong way -- or better or best. It is all about what each individual woman enjoys and what brings them pleasure.

I do think many women -- and most men -- simply do not understand how vast the network is. So often all the focus is on the glans or “love button.” If the glans brings you ALL the pleasure you desire, wonderful! However, what many women find as they explore stimulating other sensitive parts of the network is that there may be multiple ways to feel pleasure and different ways to orgasm.

I frequently get asked questions about the G-spot, so let’s use that as one example.

The G-spot is part of the clitoral network

It is not some spot on its own, it is a connected part of the network. This area is a clitoris cluster that attaches to the vaginal ceiling, Made up of spongy erectile tissue, it doesn’t have nearly the number of nerve endings as the clitoral head. Most often this area responds to massaging pressure that is persistent, (think: come hither motion) after a period of arousal has taken place. For some, this is a real focal point of pleasure; for others, not so much.

Again, different experiences and all normal

My encouragement to you is to get to know yourself and your body more and more. Help yourself and your partner figure out what brings you pleasure. Have fun in the process. Don’t be afraid to explore and experiment and laugh and moan along the way. This knowledge about the clitoris network may open up a whole new arousal world for you. Then again, it may not. Either way, you are normal.

Make pleasure the goal

Reels with demo’s on IG
Parts of the clitoris
Network under the surface

To learn more about these topics
Female arousal
Female anatomy
G-spot
The clitoris has a hood
Pleasure techniques with penetration
Cliteracy
Make some noise

The Shared Journal

As a mom raising three daughters, I was constantly trying to find ways to keep opening doors for conversation with my girls. So often in everyday life, the timing isn’t right or the issue is touchy or someones having a meltdown - and we can miss opportunities to connect and really hear what is going on inside our child’s mind and heart.

I’ve always been a journal keeper, and so I decided to keep a journal between each daughter and myself. Sort of like note-writing back and forth - but in a little book. A little book I left under their pillow to find.

With today’s technology, the idea of note-writing is a lost art, but honestly there is a lot of appeal in a personal and intimate journal. If you have a child that enjoys drawing more than writing, use a sketch book instead and draw pictures to replace words. Do what works for you and your child.

Pillow Talk: Kids edition

To start, purchase a journal/sketch book and write to your child on the first page explaining that this will be your special place to write to each other. Explain that anything is okay to write about: feelings, questions, fears, et cetera. Let them know you will both write in the book and then leave it secretly back and forth for each other.

Then, tuck the journal under your child’s pillow for them to find. Younger children may come running with it wanting clarification - great! Laugh with them and whisper that it is a secret between the two of you. Older children may not say a word, but hopefully the idea is initiated, and you find the journal under your pillow soon with a few words or a picture.

Key: If your child leaves the book for you - respond

Ideally, respond the same day and leave the book under their pillow for them to find.

Hopefully this starts the process of writing back and forth to one another about all sorts of feelings, concerns, questions and sometimes just silly fun.

Let me be honest, sometimes I would find the journal under my pillow three times in a day, or sometimes months would go by and I wouldn’t see it at all. Often, I initiated a conversation in the journal or asked a question and slipped it under my child’s pillow. Sometimes she responded. Sometimes she didn’t.

Do your best to keep the focus on your child’s feelings and not your own. Whether they respond each time or not, keep moving forward knowing that you are investing in your child. When an opportunity presents itself, initiate the back and forth conversation.

The point here is to have another form of communication with your child that feels safe and non-threatening. Try not to have a big agenda about it. This may work for you and your child, or it may not.

My encouragement to parents: keep trying different ways to open the doors to conversation. You lead the way. Show your child how to listen, talk and connect with you and with others.

(Hear me talk more about parenting in this Mother/daughter conversation on the podcast)

Book Review: The Period Book by: Karen + Jennifer Gravelle

Honestly, I have yet to find the “perfect” book for younger-aged girls. I am still looking, so stay tuned. I do think this little paperback has solid information, is easy to read and can be a worthwhile option in your family library.

With simple illustrations and easy to understand language, it covers puberty and periods. The author also covers the first gynecological visit and the very basics about sex and pregnancy. I especially like the question/answer chapter with questions many young girls ask concerning “Is this normal?” Parents, please understand how often that very question is what needs to be addressed from the get-go. Girls need to first understand what is normal. Secondly, girls need to be affirmed over and over that they are normal!

What I often hear from parents is that they don’t want their child to have ALL the information they see in one book. For example, you may not feel your third grader needs to hear about a first gynecological visit until later (as with this book). So I encourage you to check out my blog 6 tips for using sexual health themed books with your child before you move forward buying and sharing books with your child.

*Note: The Period Book has been around a long time. It was updated last year, and the newer edition includes some additional topics. The picture posted is the original book. It is available at most libraries, which allows you to look through it and decide if it is a good fit for you and your child.